A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" He yelled with surprising force. No one answered. "ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A man had 2 horses, but could not tell them apart so he went to the horse whisperer and asked, "Is there a way I can tell my 2 horses apart??" The horse Whisperer replied, "Cut their tails different lengths."

The man did just that, but the tail grew out again and he couldn't tell them apart. So he went back and the Horse Whisperer said, "What gender are they?" The man replied, "Both female." "Oh, do they have any markings that would help?" asked the Horse Whisperer. "One is black and one is white," said the man.

Q: A man rode into town on Thursday, stayed for two days, and left on Thursday. How is this possible?
A: Thursday is the man's horse!

There were two girls who owned a ranch. One was blonde and the other was brunette. The brunette went into town to pick up a bull and told the blonde that when she got it, she'd send a message for her to come for them. After the brunette bought the bull, she only had $1 left. She went to the man and asked how much it would cost to send her sister a message to pick her up. He said it was $1 per word. She thought for a minute and said "comfortable". He didn't understand why she picked that word. She explained: "My sister is a slow reader!"

comfortable = com for ta ble = "come for the bull"

When Horses Brag
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

A HORSE'S GOOD MANNERS
Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first.

Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

Q: What's a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis

Dare to Compare
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."

Those Eastern Folk
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

WHO CAN OPEN THE GATE?
Lipizzan: No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred: I don't want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint: Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino: Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian: You'll have to get somebody else to do it. I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse: Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred: Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony: Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few whacks
Shetland: Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face
Mule: Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred: Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Friesian: I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang: Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian: Step back! You-all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan: There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa: Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron: I have already opened the gate while you-all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!

Car Savvy
A man's car breaks down on a country road. When he gets out to fix it, a horse in a nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans over.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," says the horse. Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He tells the farmer his story.

"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.

"Yes- yes!" the man replies excitedly.

"Oh, don't listen to him," says the farmer. "He doesn't know a thing about cars."