nov13

I just got back from the visitation for Ben Daniels. He turned out to be the guy I was afraid he was. You see, after I saw Kaos 342, I noticed that I walked by 2 of the members daily and occasionally a third. I thought that Ben was the one I never saw. Just today I wondered if this guy that I saw between a certain class everyday was Ben, and I suddenly was really hoping it wasn't, when I didn't see him. But it was. It was him. Everyone was a bit looser today. Some had totally erased it from their memory, and I couldn't see how. I was angry at my school, they did 15 seconds of silence and that was it. I had to find out from a teacher about the visitation. 16 years, Ben Daniels was around for 16 years and they gave him 15 fucking seconds. I was in the strangest mood today. I was half there, half gone. Half normal (can't say happy, I'm the negative girl, so as cheery as I would normally be) and half totally lost and depressed. I walked up to Christal before lunch and she immediatly said "You're still sad" and I didn't want to depress people so I was like "No...No I'm okay" but when I'm really really upset but voice gets extremely scratchy and quiet and it was like that. She kind of gave me a look that said she didn't believe me. So I started talking about something everyday but she said I wasn't smiling. So I smiled this half smiled and she said "You're a great actress Teresa, but everyone's right- you eyes give you away every time" She's right, and I know that but...I dunno.
I went to the visitation. I just got back a little while ago. Oh God, my eyes burned and I couldn't take it. It was open casket. He was heavely made-up, to cover the car crash wounds. They had his guitar there, on a stand by the coffin with his amp. That guitar- it was his life, his passion. It was so hard looking at it. Thinking of how he'll never play it again. Never do the thing he loved. I honestly think it should be buried with him, something special done with it at least. They also played the video of Kaos 342's last perfomance. The performance 2 weeks ago, the one I was at. I tried so hard not to cry. I'm a compulsive when I cry. I tend to go into hyseterics. It was even harder as I looked around. So many big, badass, deathmetal type of guys with faces so solemn. And AJ, I looked up at him near the time I left. We seemed to be the only ones that could barely break smiles. The other guys sort of chuckled stiffly at memories. But when I looked at AJ, his eyes were floody and I had to look away before I cried too.
And now I sit here, just finished with a conversation about him. Ben, that is. How, he's definitely in Heaven. The person I;m talking to, he said it's irony that causes it, irony is why the people who die are the ones who deserve it least. He signed off before I could tell him why I think may be the reason God takes the wonderful people. I think, maybe, that the good people, they're meant to rest. They deserve the utmost peace. While the others, they still have debts to pay before they will be at peace. I don't know. It's only a thought. I might even change my opinion by tomorrow, I just thought that may be it, at this moment. Who knows...

*And in the midst of all that's wonderful lives like yours -the good -are gone*
*The others see all that's horrible and all that's ever wrong*
*Yet I hope that you will smile down, from your place beside the sun*
*Forever strum the fresh tuned strings, applause awaits you're done*

I just kind of wrote that out, for Ben. I hope he heard it, even though it's no where near worthy of his kindness and talent.
I never knew you Ben, not really. We never shared our names. But I know, in my heart, that you were great. I saw you with the others, people you'd never seen, but you accepted them, with your friendly nature. When I stood near you, as a last goodbye, I felt your loving air, and I knew you were in Heaven.