October 26th 7:12 pm

This is gonna be a ranting, depressive type of entry so if you don't like those, fuck off. This is my fucking online journal and I'll write whatever I damn well please. If you hate these entries as much as the world and I hate eachother, then stop reading- now.    Decided to stay with me, huh? Well plenty has gone on in my life. Nothing good really, but plenty. I haven't felt like writing. I haven't had time actually. I'll try and connect to the last entry so that I can fill in holes.    In my last entry I was crying for other people a lot. Now I'm crying for me. Well I only really cried like once but I feel awful all the time. I feel selfish, sickenly selfish and attention seeking. I'm not trying to get attention. I'm just in a stage of pure depressiveness where I say 'FUCK THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT" I can't see anything happy. I can laugh, sure but really in a couple minutes my mind goes back to thinking about something that is bothering me. I feel like a brat, a brat that bitches about everything. Which - i guess- I am. But i'm sick of bein upset. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of all the damn shit.     I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I'm very anti-guys. [anti-people actually but that's another story, and I'm more anti-guys] I hate them. They are confusing, manipulative, and too much fucking work. I've seen too many girls get hurt by them. So I made a plan long ago. Never open yourself up to a guy, you don't get hurt. I have never told a guy I liked them [excluding Ryan S. who doesnt count because he'd go out with a parrot if it asked him and my subconscience knew that and that's why the desprate girl in me asked him out *shudders*] If you don't tell them you have feelings for them, they can never deny you the return of those feelings. There was a guy....I liked him (who am I kidding, take the d of that past-tense verb) well he asked me to hang out a couple of times. We did. The second time - we kissed. All that good stuff. Sweet things were said. I don't want to go into details because of a couple of reasons and I know that leaving out a few details (i'm obviously being vague in my story) will mess up the way some people will think but I don't give a shit. Well I asked a few people for advice on what I should do now, where to go from there. They all said talk to him. Finally a friend of mine - Kenny, who always gives me the guys POV -  convinced me to at least email him. He'd been trying to get me to talk to him for a while but I was too scared. Well I asked the guy if we were more than friends. I got a reply saying he never thought of us as more than that and that he's sorry if he made me think we were. After another email where he said he didn't like g/fs I sent one in which I said I understood and said that it was cool just being friends because he's like the funnest guy I know and I asked if we'd still hang out. He read the email, and never replied.    There were only a few people that knew that. I just never want to explain. There's loads more too it. So much more. But for some reasons, I'm not going into it. The few people that knew said he was an ass, a bad guy, etc. Some said they knew I knew from the start. Well, I knew he wasn't the society's image of a good guy, but I always thought of him as different, refreshingly different. The fact that he wasn't the typical good guy was what I liked.  I wish things wouldn't go weird, I wish guys liked staying friends, I wanted to still hang out....    There's other little things that bother me here and there. I miss my friends and it isn't fair. A lot of them are upset with me at the moment...they're sick of my crap mostly. I can't blame them. I don't even want to be around me right now. I still hate school. I told myself after I got my last report card that I would try a bit harder. Well I'm not. My brain doesnt allow more than 1 homework assignment a night. It just like shuts down. I decided to write a book though. It's gonna be called "How to be an Honor Student: Half-assed" It would be a best seller. Even i amaze myself that I can scrape by with my laziness and lack of intelligence. i dunno if I lost my intelligence or if it just refuses to work. Who knows. I don't really know how to explain how I feel right now. Bad, that's all. I guess it's the reasons I can't express. That's kinda what my poems do, but I don't suppose any one understand those either. I think only I know what's behind them a lot of the time.    Something nice happened last night. I saw B because she and I went to go see the play at north which Patrick was in! It was really good and Patrick was great. Andie and Breen were there too because they were on makeup crew. They hugged me loads of times. I had Patrick sign my program, I plan to scan it onto e-bay and start the bidding at 20 thou. Hehe. 20,000 for Patrick's autograph!    I was supposed to go to a football game at north tonight even though football games suck. I didn't though. It's freezing outside. I get cold really easily (my hands are ice right now) and I get sick even easier. 3 day cold is 3 week cold for me. (It's cuz I don't get my viatimins and stuff) But I don't have a winter coat yet (haven't bought one) I'd have NO warmness. Whitney and Andie were mad I wasn't going. Andie couldn't go either cuz she was sick from school today but she was still mad. Patrick called me from the game asking where everyone was. I feel bad.... It's only 7:50, but I want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep and sleep for fucking forever. When you sleep nothing touches you. No one can talk to you or be mad at you or hurt you. Sure, I have nightmares and they haunt me like a bitch and they are scary, tear bringing mother fuckers but in the end, I can still just sleep. But I always wake up,and when I go to bed early I wake up even EARLIER than I normally would. I don't want to wake up. Nothing can touch you when you sleep... *Selfish Tears*Anti-Guys*and*Let Me Sleep Forever* Teresa - The negative girl Home Journal