October 28th 5:54 pm

OMG I hate myself. I just can't even begin to speak to myself. I'm so angry. I've been ruining friendships with 2 of my best friends without even noticing. Well, sorta noticing.    I've had some rifts (i dunno what else to call them) with Breen and Andie lately. Really to put it in short, I was jealous of their new friends, new school, new found happiness. They were irritated that I had changed. I found new music, new hatred, new negativity. You all know of my depressive bullshit going on. Well Andie can't stand it, and neither can Breen. Frankly, neither can I. Today Andie and I kinda poured some salt in open wounds in a chat with me, her, and Breen. I was joking around saying that I was gonna check the local bands playing at these venues here called The Creepy Crawl and Sally T's. Then I went, oh never mind cuz you just don't like Heavy metal (Punk and Heavy metal bands play at the venues) and she said her mom wouldn't let her go where the local druggies hung out anyway. We kinda started argueing about my 'new cool friends' (I've only met like 2, but I guess she thought I had more) She was saying she didn't want to lose me as a friend but I talked to much about these new peope and that new guy (I don't think she knows that that guy rejected me...) and how much highschool sucks. She said I was changing. I guess I have changed. But I only hate high school because people like her and breen and all my good friends aren't there. We got into how I never want to go out with her anymore (I bailed on going to the mall when I was broke, I bailed on a football game) She said it hurt her that I wouldn't do something for her that she'd do for me. I started like, crying, here. Finding out that she thought that...thought I didn't love her like the sister I never had, that I didn't want to be around her. It hurt so bad. She doesn't want to ask me to go anywhere anymore. I told her sometimes I think if I go out with her and her North friends I'll end up feeling left out, like I have before. It was then that Breen begged we change the subject. The subject was totally changed and they both had to go seconds after. I miss my friends....I miss myself.... *New everything*Tears*and*Hating Myself* Teresa Home Journal