Stop Time

"I can't hear you, I can't HEAR you!"       I remember saying that. I used to say that a lot when I was young. I'd just cover my ears, sing a loud song and nothing anyone said could hurt me. I just closed my eyes and they couldn't see me because I was invisible. But that was then. When I was young, I never had to fight my own thoughts or my own actions. I never built a sheild strong enough to handle thhe intensity of my own mind.    Have you ever just laid in bed late at night trying to go to sleep, and then the voices take over. They remind you of your failures, of all the problems, of all the hatred. They make you feel so angry. The talking continues, until you feel miserable. You think to yourself, I was fine, but now...I can't even think of a single happy thought. I'll sit there with the voices telling me why I should cry and that anger won't help me but I should be angry anyway because it's more helpful than ignorant bliss. There's more important things to think about than happiness. I want to find something happy, something to smile about, I want to be happy. There's no time to think of good memories though, only time for what's bothering me at that moment.  There's only so much room for thought and the evils whisper through my mind, travel through my veins until I want to scream because I feel them there. They are the demons that remind me of what I should be or what I could have accomplished or people that hurt me. I want to claw at my arms and rip them from my body. Just leave me alone. I want to be happy. They seem to whisper to me "You can't be happy, there's things to worry about. Nothing's ever perfect, nothing's ever wonderful" Shut up, Shut up. I cover my ears but they carry on. A movie plays before my eyes, scenes of things I'd rather not remember, ficticious scenes that I wish were more than that. I feel the demons in my body. I can't think straight and I can't see clearly.  As I search my mind for anything but the thoughts being  delivered to me and my body tenses all I want to plead is Stop time. Squeezing my eyes shut, holding my hands so tightly over my ears, I want to be a little kid again. I don't want to hear these things or watch it all through blurry tears. I want to be invisible. All I want is to lay in my bed, with nothing running through me, no thoughts rushing through my mind. I just want to lay here...Freeze...and stop time.