TOP TEN TIPS FOR CLUB CUNTS AND FIRST TIMERS You know who you are. Yes, you! Popping your clubbing cherry and getting on everyone’s nerves in the process. Adhere to these handy tips and you’ll never be scowled at again. Keep it tidy! 10.) Make an effort If you go out looking (and smelling) like you put your outfit together at your local pound shop then people will be wary. Likewise, just because you’re wearing the latest Cyber Dog outfit will not instantly make you cool and popular. A little time, effort and thought goes a long way. 9.) Watch your elbows Everyone likes to dance and have a good time, but no-one likes the clown who turns the dance-floor into a mosh pit. There’s no need to swing for everyone around you. Bumping into people at regular intervals will not make you friends. 8.) Don’t talk about drugs Yes, we are all aware that pills are great (‘maaaaaaan’), but nobody likes a drugs bore. It’s not big, and it’s not clever. Keep your cheekies to yourself and enjoy conversations about the more important things in life: The Hoobs and vacuum attachments, for example. 7.) Know where the toilets are Nothing is more unsightly or repulsive than the sight of a first timer fillings his pale cheeks with vomit, only to look around frantically for somewhere to empty their contents. All you have to do when you begin feeling peaky is go to the nearest toilet and wait until you either throw your guts up or feel better. Throwing up on people’s feet, on the dance-floor or in the chill out area are big no-nos. 6.) Keep calm Clubbing is exciting, but nothing is more annoying than seeing club cunts running round like lunatics molesting everyone in their path. Just a simple smile will do. We’ll be more pleased to chat to you if your friendly and chirpy, not racing around like you’ve bombed 2 grams of speed. 5.) Learn to dance If you’re going to invest in a pair of glow sticks, the least you could do is at least vaguely learn how to use them. Otherwise you’ll look like a complete moffet, and we’ll come and take them off you until you can do a better job. It’s best not to purchase glow sticks or rave rings until you’re fairly competent at twirling your hands round each other. 4.) Keep it down We all like to see and hear someone with a whistle or horn every now and then, but if you run round all night blasting them at full volume in our ears we’ll confiscate them and give you a clip round the ear. You have been warned. 3.) Control you gurn Watching anyone contort their face into a variety of comic positions is not especially pleasant, so learn to deal with it. Chew gum, suck a popsicle, use a pacifier, or just don’t take shed-loads drugs. 2.) Let the conversation flow Time after time clubbers will be happily engaged in conversation when out of nowhere will come a bizarre one liner. Classics such as ‘have you ever been spanked’ and ‘I bought a mask at the zoo today’ will only make us walk away. 1.) Don’t overdo it There’s simply no need. We’re all there to have fun and enjoy ourselves. Don’t shovel pills down your throat or hoof ketamine up your nose. Whilst you’re sitting in the corner, pale faced, looking scared to death, eyes rolling up into your head, we’ll be stomping as far away as possible, smiling at each other. Home > Features > ^top