A Father's Grief Story:

He is MY Baby too!

A Father's Grief Story:

WHERE IS HE?

The two people that helped me the most immediately after my son's death were 2 other clergymen. COLIN spoke to me at length and shared some insights into "dealing" with the loss of our child. I KNEW that he understood as 2 of his 3 girls had died of a rare heriditary disease and his 3rd girl was also dying. TOM and I had been through Theological Seminary together and were very close. He didn't say a word to me at first. Just hugged me tight. Then he said, "I am sorry that your baby has died. I just want you to know that I am here for you." Then he pushed a wad of banknotes into my hand on parting and said, "This is to help with the Funeral expenses."
The Funeral. I must do something about the Funeral. Then I remembered that the Doctor had advised me to leave the Funeral to the Hospital authorities. "They have a program to help young parents at times like this. Just sign the papers at the front office and they will take care of everything. The Funeral home will send you an account afterwards. It's for the best"
In hindsight I know that they meant well. They thought that they were saving us from "the Pain" of having to arrange our sons's funeral. We were too numb at the time to think things through, besides, if the Doctor advised this, then it must be right, surely?
Sometime later, when I began to be able to think and concentrate clearly, I began to wonder where my son was buried. When I contacted the Funeral Home and asked, "Where is my son?" they were able to tell me the address of the Cemetery, but NOT where he was buried. It was the custom in those days to bury stillborn babies in small spaces in the Cemetery grounds and NO records were ever kept of those burial sites.

This well-meaning but misguided practice meant that it took a long while for us to begin a good Grief Resolution. Many years later I found myself in a position Professionally, where I was able to bring about a change in the baby burial system.