Coffee Discussions
© 2001 Kylie
There are certain things that life doesn't prepare you for.
Parenthood for one thing.
Marriage for another.
Also having to figure out the god-awful tax forms that the IRS insists that you fill out every year. Headache much?
It's the part that the romance books tend not to go into. What comes after happy-ever-after?
Not that I'm comparing our relationship to a romance book. I don't think that there's a writer on the planet who has covered falling in love with a 250+ year old vampire while being busy saving the world, killing demons and trying to keep my sanity while receiving regular mind-numbing-skull-crunching-scratch-and-sniff visions. No sireee.
In some ways, nothing changed when we took that first leap into coupledom. He still brooded, still went out to fight whatever it was I saw in my visions, still felt guilty about dragging me into his redemption -- no matter how often I pointed out that it was Doyle who did that, and that I wouldn't want to change anything, purpose being a wonderful feeling. He still went into overprotectiveAngel mode with annoying regularity, still caught me when the visions hit. He was still Angel. And I was still Cordelia.
Which is where the comparison to the romance novels comes in. See, in the novels, the two characters each make a couple of concessions, and *boom*, suddenly they're able to live in perfect harmony, only having to deal with the obstacles that the outside world throws at them.
*Pfft* Yeah right.
Reality isn't like that. Not by a long shot. Not even when your lives mostly revolve around each other anyway.
I have faults, he has faults. And when you go from friends to friends-and-lovers, those faults take on a new annoyance factor.
For instance neither of us has a very good track record with relationships. Xander and Wilson Christopher for me, Darla and Buffy for him.
We're both used to being on our own. Both used to pushing people away rather than letting them in. The first time I pushed him away after an argument -- rather than just walk away until we'd both calmed down -- I had to be the one to catch myself doing it. I'm proud of that. I'm not so proud of the fact that it took me three days to realize what I was doing though. That first time I had to be the one to call Angel on letting me do that. Which was my first big clue that this relationship thing was going to be even more complicated that I'd thought. Somewhere along the line -- and I'm guessing from Buffy -- he'd gotten the impression that that was how things were supposed to work.
I'd like to point out here that being a grown-up and doing the adult thing in confronting problems head on is a hell of a lot scarier than fighting demons. I've never been very good at facing personal or emotional problems. That's something that Angel had to teach me.
The better part of a year later and we were getting better at the relationship thing. Wesley and Gunn no longer asked Fred first what kind of mood we were in before they'd enter the Hyperion and Lorne no longer groaned when he saw us coming.
Then Spike showed up.
This is memorable for a couple of reasons. The first being that he was so drunk that he spent two days passed out on the couch in Angel's suite. The second being that somehow over the two days following Spike regaining consciousness, I managed to make a friend out of him. How, I don't know because I was doing my best to make him miserable and leave.
The third reason... well that led to me now being married.
Prior to Spike's visit things with Angel were...nice. Really, really nice. We were in love, happy... and more than a little frustrated. Do you realize that frustration is something that accumulates? There were moments that I actually cursed the fact that he loved me, because then we could actually do something about the gnawing feeling in our stomachs -- and lower areas. Those moments didn't last long though, and we got to be masters at ignoring the frustration.
Then came 'The Vision'.
Wolfram & Hart. Demons. And LA's hospitals being overrun with patients suffering from a mystery illness.
It took three days to deal with the problem. Spike helped. Angel even called Kate for help. All while I was curled up into a little ball in Angel's bed, the curtains drawn, a bowl beside the bed for when I threw up.
You bet the PTB's rewarded us for that. If they hadn't done *something* they would have wound up with two angry warriors and one extremely pissed off seer turning up on their doorstep to beat them senseless. All backed up by two worried friends and a concerned...Fred. Everyone should have a Fred. The fact that we don't know where the PTB's doorstep is wouldn't have mattered. Spike was pissed off enough to do twice the damage that he normally did. He'd discovered amid dealing with the disease crisis, that somewhere along the line the PTB's had taken an interest in him and tapped him as a warrior. He doesn't have a seer, but in Sunnydale who needs one? They have portents and an extremely stupid demon population.
Less than a month later I found myself married.
Let me tell you that despite what the romance books tell you, marriage is hard work. If it wasn't, it wouldn't work. But there are compensations that *more* than make up for it. Frustration *isn't* a problem anymore.
A little under two and a half years later, I fainted in the doctor's office. He had just informed me that I was pregnant to a vampire, I think I had just cause. Angel was stunned mute for a full five minutes when I told him. Then he went into overprotectiveAngel mode, and didn't let up until after Moira was born. I managed to get him crying at the birth, and he refused to touch me for three months after. "Never again! I'm not risking putting you through that again!". That's my honey, torture him and he's fine, put me through pain and he crumbles. How sweet is that? I introduced him to comdoms and solved the problem.
Parenthood. The biggie that life doesn't prepare you for.
Before Moira, lack of sleep was an inconvenience -- like a hangover, it'll pass. Now, lack of sleep is a perpetual state. She's been sleeping through the night... uh day... uh... getting 8 solid hours for three weeks now, and I still wake up every three to four hours. I thank god that she wasn't twins like the doctor originally thought or I'd never get any sleep. As it is I'm dreading when she learns to walk -- she's already showing signs of hyperactivity. Thankfully her father moves a hell of a lot faster than I do, he'll be able to keep up with her.
I don't know exactly what it is that woke me. It had only been two hours since I'd last drifted off. It wasn't Moira, she was still fast asleep in her crib. It wasn't until after I had checked Moira that I realized that there was somebody downstairs. It was the bell over the door that had woken me up.
That told me a bit. The bell was only turned on when there was only going to be one person in the hotel, in this instance me. Which meant that it was later than I'd thought and that Fred had gone to her appointment with her Physics professor. Seeing as how Wesley had been given the day off, Gunn hadn't come in and Angel had gone to attend to a vision that left her to see who it was. I grabbed a coat out of the closet -- greeting potential customers in a robe and dressing gown doesn't make a good impression -- and padded downstairs.
To find Buffy standing in the Lobby a large box at her feet.
*******
I'm not really sure why I'm here. I guess if pushed I would say that I'm closing a chapter of my life I'd thought already closed.
I guess I've still got to work out things I thought I'd worked out a long time ago.
It wasn't until I saw those photographs that I realized that I'd held onto an unrealistic dream. I hadn't realized just how much things had changed. For some reason I always thought that Angel would always be unchanging. Still single and still in love with me.
Strange.
I've had a while to get used to the idea of Angel and Cordelia, and it doesn't hurt like it first did. What hurt more? That he'd moved on, or that he hadn't told me? That he wasn't in love with me anymore, or the death of an unrealistic dream that I couldn't have accepted -- probably wouldn't have wanted to accept -- even if offered.
What is it that that song says? You strive for what you want only to find that what you want is what you left behind?
I guess this is a good thing. This whole situation has forced me to realize that I should looking to the future and working on making myself happy rather than looking to the past and depending on other people to do it for me.
I think I've finally taken that last step into adulthood.
God adulthood is scary.
It takes me a moment to recognize the woman on the stairs. Cordelia? Whoa...she looks a little like she's been hit by a bus. Or not slept in a month. Or both.
"Hey Cordy."
"Buffy." Cordelia seemed wary, and I couldn't really blame her. We weren't exactly friends. Whose fault was that? Mine? Hers? Both?
"I'm returning your box. You sent us the wrong one."
Cordelia frowned at the box puzzled, then her expression cleared and blush crept up her cheeks. "Ooops."
I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face. I don't think I've ever seen Cordelia blush before. "Just a bit." I agreed.
There was silence between us for a few moments, and I noticed that Cordelia was looking at me as if she could see through to my soul. Maybe she could. Maybe that was a part of the visions that Spike had finally told me about. Or maybe it was pure Cordelia. In retrospect I would have to say that Cordelia always did seem to see the situation clearer than the rest of us. It was something she and Anya had in common.
"Coffee?"
The sudden offer surprised me and I nodded before thinking about it. As she led me to the kitchen I realized that it was a peace offering. This is what adults do. They confront problems rather than running away. They resolve issues rather than ignore them.
It was then that I knew that everything was going to be all right. I was finally working things out, Angel was happy with Cordelia and she with him. As for Cordelia and I? We were never going to be best friends, but friends we could do.
Things were going to be fine.
This was what adults do. And we were finally all adults.
******
End