Knowing You
© M. Jade
Chipmunk robots on ice. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean? I realize that Cordelia said this when she was half asleep, but it doesn’t make sense. Okay, so I admit that I said it too. I was half asleep myself, dammit! I can remember us talking about a college fund for Connor, paying our bills, a ski condo at Aspen, and Cordelia wanting to put a down payment on a boat. Now that I’m fully awake, I have to wonder when they became our bills, and when we started talking about down payments on anything. It didn’t feel like business talk. It felt like family talk.
When Darla staked herself, my first thought was not “whose going to be a mother to Connor now?” My first thought wasn’t even “How am I going to raise this kid on my own?” My first thought was “How am I going to hold my family together?” and I know that I hadn’t included Darla in my nice little family unit. I knew she had no intentions of having a place in Connor’s life. Last night I knew who my family was. Last night I was sure.
Since Connor was born, I have refused to think of myself as a single father, and it’s not because I have Wes, and Gunn, and Fred, and Lorne to help me with my son. I know that I’m Connor’s only blood family, and I will always protect him, always be there for him, I will always be his father, but I think in some unconscious way, I knew Connor would have a mother figure, even once Darla was dead., and I realized that last night. For a few brief moments, I saw Cordelia as Connor’s mother. For those few brief moments, I could have mistaken her and I for a happily married couple. That’s something I could have never done with Buffy, no matter how hard I tried. I loved Buffy, and there is a part of me that always will, but… even at our best, it wasn’t like last night. Buffy and I never had that moment, that moment when every piece seems to fit just right, and nothing can spoil that harmony.
We were falling asleep, laying on my bed together, Connor between us, Cordy feeding him a bottle. It was innocent and pure, it was the picture of a happy family, father, mother, child. God, we were talking about college funds and bills, our bills, and we were happy about it. It was all so simple, and it felt complete. It’s how I had always pictured a family should be. I never got the chance to have a family of my own when I was human. I know I can only blame myself for losing that chance, for being the disappointment I was then, but in some great cosmic irony, Darla, the very vampire that took that part of my humanity, gave it back to me. She gave me Connor, but even she knew she would never play the role of his mother. I guess in a way, that means Darla also gave me Cordy.
God, I know I’m not making sense. Darla didn’t do anything to change my relationship with Cordelia, but Connor has. Maybe it was instinct that made me search for a mother figure for my son, or maybe I had one in mind to begin with, but either way, I get the same result. When she was in a coma fighting for her life, I told the conduit that I was more afraid of Cordelia dying than she was. Does that mean that I love her? Isn’t that what love is? Caring about someone’s well being more than yourself? I think it is, and I know it’s not just for Connor’s sake. I want Connor to have someone he can look to as a mother, but I chose Cordelia because I love her. I can try as hard as I want, but I can’t mistake that for friendship.
Not that Cordy isn’t my friend, but it goes beyond that. Last night was the perfect moment between us, and not as friends. As family. As two people in love. Of course, I don’t know how she feels. I don’t care to assume anything when it comes to my Seer, I know better than that, but there’s a dynamic between us, and I don’t want to fight that, but I may have to. I dread what may happen if we act upon the dynamic we have as a couple, but I know it’s there. I can’t risk going back to Angelus. I have so much to lose if that should ever happen, more now than I ever had. I can’t let her know. But have I already?
Wes and Gunn haven’t see it, but I gave Cordy a present for her birthday. The one they don’t know about. I… I gave Cordelia a mother’s ring. It’s a small gold band with a single birthstone it. Connor’s birthstone. She didn’t say anything when she opened it, after she woke up from her birthday coma, but the look in her eyes… It’s like she knew. In some small way, I was acknowledging her as his mother. I argued that it was something fathers do for their kids, just so I wouldn’t feel awkward about buying it. They get mother’s rings, and give them to the closest thing their child has to a mother, so I gave it to auntie Cordelia, only I’m not so sure I was thinking auntie at the time. She put the ring on a small chain around her neck. It seemed kind of awkward for her to just put it on her finger, and maybe she will some day, but she is wearing it. I know because I can see a hint of the band peaking out from under her blouse.
She looks so peaceful, laying there asleep next to Connor. There’s a calm about the two of them together, the kind that you’d like to last forever. The kind of moment you could lose yourself in. He’s so small, but they look utterly perfect together when she’s holding him. I don’t know if Cordelia being part demon now will change things. Maybe it can, or maybe it won’t. Maybe things can never change between us. I’ve had perfect happiness before, I’ve tasted it, and I paid the price for it. Perhaps it’s time I paid enough. This may be the shot I’ve waited so long for. I’ll be Cordelia’s friend, at least until I’m sure of how she feels, but knowing her…knowing that I love her. That changes everything. It’s what makes those special moments. The feeling of peace, the calm, the bliss. That’s what I knew last night. That’s what I want for my son. To know that feeling, to be able to see it, know what’s supposed to be like. That’s what I want for all of us. That’s what I want for my family.
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Angel broke away from his pensive thoughts, looked over across the bed, reached out, and lightly brushed a strand of her hair away from Cordelia’s face, being careful as to not wake her from her sleep. “I love you, Cordelia,” he whispered, brushing her hand. He waited a moment to see if he would get a response, and was satisfied that he had not roused her from her slumber. He looked into his son’s bright eyes. “Is someone ready for a new bottle,” he said in a low voice. He gently rose from the bed and took Connor in his arms. “Why don’t you and Daddy get a new bottle while we let Mommy sleep? Would you like that, Connor? Yeah, let‘s get you a new bottle.” The baby gave a small coo as they left the room.
Once they were out of sight, Cordelia opened her eyes and sighed, running her hands over the spot Connor had just occupied, letting it rest there for a few lingering moments, silently mouthing the words “I love you, Angel.” She looked back to the doorway, sighed again, and went back to feigning sleep, at least until after Angel got back. Just long enough for him to believe she had been asleep the whole time.