Rexus Awards - 2001
© Raziel
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Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for this year's greatest event! For only one night, all the stars of video gaming will appear like you haven't seen them before in the Rexus Awards 2001! Take a taste! There will be guest appearances by: Lara Croft, Abe, Squall Lionheart, Michael Schumacher, David Beckham, Spiderman, Gordon Freeman and many more. Not only that! There will be live performances by U2, The Offspring, Gorillaz, Linkin Park, Moby and many more! And your host for this night will be no one else but E-Cyas.How to see all these? If you don't belong to the lucky ones who won the competition to be there, just open your internet browser at internet time @666and type www.rexus.com/live and live all the glamour! Don't miss it!
The Rexus Awards 2001 is sponsored by Intel, Microsoft, Sony, Vodafone, Interscope Records, Bud and Burger King
Outside the awards.
Ananova: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is the breaking news of GVN(Global Virtual Network). I'm Ananova and I'm outside the Opera House in Sydney, where the Rexus Awards 2001 will take place.
As you can see many fans have gathered outside just to see their favorite stars from close. As I was informed in a little time the stars will arrive. Oh, but here's one, let's go and see!
A black limo stops outside th building and Squall Lionheart, Rinoa Heartily, Quistis Trepe and Seifer Almasy step out.
Ananova: Mr Lionheart, how are?
Squall: Well, it's great being invited in an event like this and.
Rinoa: Okay, honey, let's go in.
Squall, But, Rinoa, I haven't finished and...
Rinoa: I said, move it, Angelo will get upset.
The camera shows Rinoa's dog, showing it's teeth. Squall gulps.
Squall: Okay time to go in!
Seifer: Well it's a great night tonight and.
Quistis: Okay, Seifer, move it!
Seifer: What's wrong with you tonight?
Quistis: What's wrong? The fact that before we come here you spilled X-Potion on my dress I was going to wear and I spent one hour to choose another because of you remind you something? That's what wrong!
Seifer: Okay, then let's go inside( he turns to the camera). Oh, and don't forget, Final Fantasy X will be at the stores on...
Quistis grabs him from his scarf.
Quistis: Move it!
After them others are arriving like Mario, Baz with Yan, worms, Guybrush Threepwood, Sigourney Weaver, U2, Linkin Park and other.
Then the camera shows the inside. The room has decorated almost the same with the decoration of MTV Europe Awards 2000.
E-Cyas: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, in Sydney, in the Opera House, the Rexus Awards of the year 2001 will take place. But, anyway, I'm E-Cyas I'll be your host for tonight. So, let's begin this night with the live performance of U2! Ladies and gentlemen welcome the men from Ireland, U2!
In the room a part of the wall opens and a stage appears with the U2. They are dressed with black leather clothes and perform the song Elevation. After the performance Ash goes near them and talks to Bono.
E-Cyas: Good evening guys, how do you feel?
Bono: Just great, it's the first time we're performing for video games awards.
The Edge: Yeah, and it's also the first time we're pixelised!
E-Cyas: Don't worry about that. In the backstage there are two guys with suits and black glasses who'll lead you to a portal which leads to the real world.
The Edge: Okay then bye!
Bono: So long Ash, we'll watch the rest of the awards in my computer(the awards are being transmitted via the Internet).
E-Cyas: Okay, bye. So, after the great U2, let's welcome our first guest. Please welcome a great action woman, who also played in a movie. Ladies and gentlemen welcome miss Lara Croft!!!
Lara comes down from the stairs wearing a long blue dress.
Lara: Good evening everyone! So, let's see the nominees for the best action game!
A giant screen shows a video in which a chinese man(someone like Jackie Chan but uglier) beats up with karate moves some guys and suddenly a machine gun is heard. Then a muscular man kills the rest of the opponents and says to the karate guy:
Machinegunner: This is how we deal with bastards these days, almond-eye!
And then a logo that says "BEST ACTION GAME FOR PC" appears and shows trailers of these games:
Narrator: Giants: Citizen Kabuto by Interplay Undying by EA Games Resident Evil 3: Nemesis by Capcom Mech Warrior 4: Vengeance by Microsoft Hitman: Codename 47 by Eidos No One Lives For Ever by Fox
Lara: Okay, and the winner is...Giants: Citizen Kabuto by Interplay!
The screen shows animation of the game and Baz with Yan stand up, go towards the stand and other people greet them. Baz is wearing a suit and Yan is wearing one too.
Baz: Thanks guys, I really enjoyed playing in this game, it was great.
Lara: Where's Delphi?
Baz: Oh, she's home cooking my favorite: Vimp Stew. I told her to come but she just wanted to stay home, cooking for her husband, watching and being proud for the man she married.
Suddenly his cellular phones rings.
Baz: Oh, just a second.Hello? Ah, Delphi how are you?
Delphi(with a loud voice): You vicious, daft bastard! Not only you tied in the bed so that I won't come, but also telling all these fu***ng bull**** about me! Just try to get home! I'll cast on you a shrink spell and feed you to my cat!
Baz: Yes, yes, yes honey I love you too, see you home!(closing the phone) My wife! She loves me and cares for me so much! What is it Yan? Want to say something? Okay!
Yan: Good evening mortal ones. I'm so happy that you honored me for the fine and smart act in this game. For that I would like to thank Baz, Tel, Reg, Gordon, Bennet, Delphi,...
Baz: Yan, our time is over, we have to sit down!
Yan: Just a minute Baz I'm almost done. I would also like to thank Borjoyzee, Timmy, Borjoyzee's daughter, the filthy animal that Borjoyzee's daughter married, the director, the script writer, the animator, the booman, the programmer,...
After 2 hours everyone is sleeping but Yan still goes on.
Yan:...my uncle, my aunt, the milkman, the postman, and last but not least my pet iguana, Kasot! That's what I had to say. Hmmm...they're all so fascinated by my speech so they're all petrified! Come on Baz, let's sit down.
Yan goes down holding in one hand the prize and with the other he's dragging Baz who's sleeping. Suddenly the host wakes up.
E-Cyas: Hmmm.Yes after the fascinating speech of the winner let's carry on(the others are starting to wake up). Let's welcome our second host. Two of the most remarkabe guys who had ever appeard in a strategy game. Let's welcome with a big applause...Jim Raynor and Sir Anduin Lothar!!!
(I don't want to come back on the clothes matter: all men are wearing suits and all women are wearing dresses)
Lothar: Hey, Jim, I wonder how this year's strategy dudes went so far.
Raynor: Well all we have to do is to check it out!
The screen shows a war between ants and the narrator says:
Narrator: This isn't the way to fight. You need strategy so that you can beat the opponent saving as many soldiers you can.
The logo "BEST STRATEGY GAME FOR PC" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Civilization: Call to Power II by Activision Commandos 2: Men of Courage by Eidos Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel by Interplay Warlords Battlecry by SSG Worms World Party by Team 17 Software Z: Steel Soldiers by The Butmap Bros.
Lothar: So...the Rexus goes to...Worms World Party by Team 17 Software!
Three worms come crawling to the stand.
Worm 1: Thank you everyone. It was great!
Worm 2: Yeah, especially when I kicked your ass on a mission!
Worm 1: Hey, it wasn't my fault, it was the player's!
Worm 2: It doesn't matter who controls you, you're a looser!
Worm 1: Oh yeah, what about to feed you a Super Banan Bomb?
Worm 2: What about turning you into a emendall cheese with a minigun?
Worm 1: Oh f**k you!
Worm 2: F**k you!
Worm 1: NO, F**K YOU!
Worm 2: F**K YOU!
Worm 1: F**K YOU TOO!
Worm 2: F**K YOY MAN!
Worm 1: NO, F**K YOU TOO!
Worm 2: F**K YOU!
Worm 1: F**K YOU!
Worm 3: Hey guys, what about the Rexus?
Worms 1&2: F**K YOU!
The two worms take out two shotguns and kill him.
Worm 1: Hey, nice shot!
Worm 2: Thanks!
Worm 1: So the prize belong to the two of us. They take the prize and going down to sit.
Worm 1: Fancy for a pint?
Worm 2: Thought you'd never ask.
E-Cyas: These are not worms but horns with all these beeps! So after this small misunderstanding, let's welcome a punk group who also wrote the soundtrack for "Crazy Taxi". Ladies and gentlemen let's welcome the great, the gigantic, the titanic, the awesome...
Narrator: Hey E-Cyas.
E-Cyas: What?
Narrator: Don't push it so far, this isn't the MTV Eupore Music Awards.
E-Cyas: Ah, okay. So let's welcome The Offspring!
In the same place where U2 performed, The Offspring with Redman appear and perform the song Original Prankster.
After the performance:
E-Cyas: Okay guys, thanks a lot, you were awesome. You know where the exit is. Make sure you see the rest of the show! Okay ladies and gentlemen let's welcome two smart and wize guys. Yes, you're right they're Abe and Klaymen!
From the stairs Abe and Klaymen go down. Suddenly Klaymen slips and goes down the stairs bumping and rolling. In the bottom Klaymen gets his head twisted. After that, he turns it to the right position and he and Abe go to the stand.
Abe: So Klaymen isn't it a good night tonight?
Klaymen: Yeah, it was so nice for them to step by to see me. I'd like to thank you for that. You didn't get anything for me but that's alright, although I would like a car or a DVD set.
Abe: Hey Klaymen.
Klaymen: What?
Abe(whispering): Cut this bull**** out. This isn't your house and they're not here especially for you. You're here to present the awards.
Klaymen: Oh yes, you're right. So let's take a look at the nominees for the Best Adventure Game for PC. The screen shows a guy tied on a column and a bunch of guys beat him. The guy tries to get free, but he doesn't make it. So the narrator says:
Narrator: This isn't a way to solve a riddle that tortures you. You must think to solve it.
Then the logo "BEST ADVENTURE GAME FOR PC" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Escape from Monkey Island by LucasArts Stupid Invaders by Ubi Soft Riddle of the Spinx by Dreamcatcher Schizm: Mysterious Journey by Project Two Road to India by Microids Myst III Exile by UbiSoft
Abe: Okay, inside this envelope there is name the winner. Klaymen, open it.
Klaymen: No, it wouldn't be fair. You open it.
Abe: No, you were in an adventure game, you are more experienced. You open it.
Klaymen: No, I insist. You open it.
Abe: No, you open it.
Klaymen: You open it!
Abe: YOU OPEN IT!
Klaymen: NO, YOU OPEN IT!
Abe: YOU OPEN IT!
Klaymen: NO, YOU OPEN IT!
Then Abe strikes Klaymen.
Klaymen:Okay then, we decided that I'll open the envelope. So, the Rexus goes to...the very intelligent Stupid Invaders by Ubi Soft!
Five aliens stand up and go the stand.
Etno: Thank you, thank you, it was great to receive this prize. It's really cool.
Bud: Yeah, it's even cooler when we landed on a planet in which the inhabitants could suck someone's brain from his head!
Candy: Yeah, you were the only one who could save us because there wasn't a reason that these things could threaten you.
Bud: Thanks Candy.Hey, what do you mean?
Stereo(a two headed alien): We thank you for your prize. It was something really unexpectable. It came out of the blue. It was.
Gorgious: Okay you two, that's enough, let's sit down.
Stereo: Hey, that's not fair! Why do you always cut us off when we say something?
Gorgious: Because, knowing your character you'll make us be like the short guy with the big head did with his speech, that's why!
Stereo: Ah, okay.Hey, what do you mean?
Etno: Okay guys, thank you again and bye!
E-Cyas: Okay, let's get on with our next hosts, three remarkable persons who gave a lot with their career the last 4 years. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have a big applause for Squall Lionheart, Cloud Strife and Avatar!
They're going down the stairs(normally).
Cloud: Wow, it's the first time I'm giving awards in my life! What about you guys?
Squall: Okay, I weren't in a position like this before before but I'm not jumping around from joy.
Cloud: What do you mean, that I'm a happy and stupid guy?
Squall: Yeah, got any problem with that?
Cloud: Yeah, I do actually and if you don't get get it back I'll chop you off with my sword!
Squall: Just try and I'll break with mine your sword and chop you off!
Avatar: Hey guys, cut it out, this isn't the time to solve your differences! Let's get this over with.
Squall: You're lucky this time.
Cloud: Oh yeah and I was petrified from fear!
The screen shows a dungeon where a troll and a human fight. The human is a knight with a sword and the troll is fighting with an axe.
Narrator: Now, you'll enter a world that you've never experienced. Enter the mythical, secret world of RPGs.
The logo "BEST ROLE PLAYING GAME FOR PC" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn by Interplay Diablo II by Blizzard Evil Islands: Curse of the Lost Soul by Nival Interactive Nox by Westwood Studios Arcanum: Of Steamworks & Magic Obscura by Troika Games Deus Ex by Eidos
Cloud: Okay now, let's see who the winner is.
Squall: The winner is...
Cloud: Hey, I was about to say that!
Squall: So what if I'll say it?
Cloud: I'm holding the envelope, so I'll be the one who'll say who the winner is!
Squall: That's not fair, I want to say it too!
Cloud: Oh, come on now you're doing like a baby!
Squall Hey, what do you mean, that I'm a happy and stupid guy?
Cloud: Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?
Avatar: GUYS!!!!
Cloud: Okay, sorry. So, the winner is...Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn by Interplay!
Korgan, Minsc and Imoen get up and go to the stand.
Korgan: Ah, about time we got that!
Minsc: Yes, me and Boo are honored to have won a prize like this. Boo would like to say something.
Minsc puts a hamster in front of the microphone.
Minsc: Come on Boo, all these people came here tonight for you, say something. Ah, he's not in a mood right now to talk. Okay, goodnight everyone! Boo is also saying goodnight to all of you!
While they were going down to sit, Imoen says to Koregan:
Imoen: It's scary down here. I really want out of here.
Korgan: Shut yer trap!
E-Cyas: Okay, and now let's move to the guest who'll present the last award for PC game. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome one of the most risky man there is, mister Gordon Freeman!
Gordon goes down from the stairs normally(again?).
Gordon: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight many games were presented. But it's time to honor the thing that hides behind all these games. And this thing is what we call "company". All of them worked hard this year, and in my opinion, all of them should get a prize. But, here rules the rule of jungle which is "The strongest survives". So, let's see which game company was the best this year!
The screen shows a man that his face is under shadow.
Man: There a lot of games that you play each day, but you have no idea who made them. So, (he steps front and his face is revealed) let's see who did the best job this year.
The logo "GAME PC COMPANY OF THE YEAR" appears. The trailers at each company are a mix of the company games.
Narrator: Eidos Interactive Blizzard Entertainment Interplay Entertainment Corporation Microsoft Corporation Eidos Interactive EA Games
Gordon: So, let's see. And the winner is...(a waiter gives him a glass of water)oh, thanks Bob. He drinks the water.
Gordon: And the Rexus goes to...(Bob comes again to him with a beer)oh thanks, that was good. He drinks the beer.
Gordon: And the company of the year is...(Bob comes yet again to him with a hamburger with fries)ah, thanks Bob, I'm really hungry.
Guybrush: Hey, get that as***le out of here, we wanna hear who won!
Gordon: Okay Bob go now, we pushed the joke too far. Okay now, and the Rexus goes to...Interplay Entertainment Corporation!
Baz goes again to the stand.
Baz: Boy, this night is getting even better and better!
Gordon: Hey Baz, where's the short guy with the big head who was with you?
Baz: Oh, he just wanted to go home. He couldn't afford being so proud.
The camera shows Yan who's in the restroom, tied and gagged.
E-Cyas: The first part of the Rexus Awards 2001 has ended. Don't go away cause we hadn't finished yet! For now enjoy another live performance by the cartoonists Gorillaz! We'll be back soon!
The Gorillaz appear and they perform the song Clint Eastwood.
Then a gold logo that says "REXUS AWARDS 2001" appears and the narrator says:
Narrator: The Rexus Awards 2001 is sponsored by Intel, Microsoft, Sony, Vodafone, Interscope Records, Bud and Burger King.
After the commercials. E-Cyas: Welcome back. I'm E-Cyas and you're watching Rexus Awards 2001. We'll now present the awards for console games. Let's welcome the guests who'll present the first category. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Heihachi, Rayden and Fulgore!
They're coming down the stairs(doesn't it getting a little monotonus?).
Rayden: Wow, isn't it a great night tonight!
Fulgore: Beep, beep...kill alien, you get 3000 points...alien kills you, you're screwed.
Heihachi: Oh, damn, he's stuck again! Give him a shock.
Rayden: OK!
Rayden puts his hand in Fulgore's back and he gives him an electroshock. Fulgore starts jerkling and after the shock is done he's back to normal.
Fulgore: (scritch)(scratch)(he's moving around his neck) Ammm...yes, I'm here to present the Rexus Awards. So, let's see the nominees for the best fighting game.
The screen shows a karate guy(we have no information that he might be the guy who appeared earlier, but it must be him) who's fighting with a guy who's using a sword. The logo "BEST FIGHTING GAME FOR CONSOLE" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Ready 2 Rumble Boxing: Round 2 for Playstation 2 by Midway WWF No Mercy for Nintendo 64 by THQ Capcom VS SNK for Dreamcast by Capcom Kengo: Master of Bushido for Playstation 2 by Crave Tom & Jerry in Fists of Furry for Nintendo 64 by Mattel WWF SmackDown! 2 for Playstation by THQ
Rayden: Okay Fulgore, read the winner's name.
Fulgore: And the winner is...beep, beep...Odie you idiot dog, stop drooling on me.
Rayden: Oh, damn, he opened the Garfield file, here we go again!
Heihachi: Let me handle this!
Heihachi strikes Fulgore with a bolt kick and
Fulgore falls down. He then gets up, moves around his neck.
Fulgore: Sorry, the last time I got checked was a year ago. So, the winner is...Tom & Jerry in Fists of Furry for Nintendo 64 by Mattel!
Tom & Jerry get up and walk towards the stand.
Fulgore: Excuse me, that's wrong. It seems that I also need to change my eye filters.
Tom: Oh, damn we'll never get a prize!
Jerry: Yeah, if you keep acting with me!
Tom: What do you mean, you rodent, that it was my fault?
Jerry: In a matter of fact...yes!
Tom: That's it! I'm gonna get you for sure!
Jerry: You must get me first!
Tom starts chasing Jerry and they get out of the room.
Fulgore: So, the winner is...
Heihachi grabs the envelope
Heihachi: Oh, no you don't! That's enough of the mistakes you make!
Fulgore: Hey, I was given the envelope to read!
Heihachi: I don't know how you got to be a guest for tonight, but I'll make sure you won't cause any more problems!
Fulgore: Oh, yeah? Maybe my sight is not so well, but I put new weapons yesterday, so hand over the envelope or you'll get toasted!
Rayden: Guys, cut it out, you can kick each other's ass later! Fulgore, let Heihachi read the envelope so that there won't be any troubles tonight.
Fulgore: Okay, you're lucky this time!
Heihachi: Yeah, yeah.So, the winner is...Best Fighting Game for Console!
Rayden: You moron! You're supposed to read the paper INSIDE the envelope and not the letters ON the envelope!
Heihachi: Oh, really?
Rayden grabs the envelope.
Rayden: Yeah, really! Now, I'll read the envelope! God, you can't count on no one these days!
Heihachi: But, you're a god!
Rayden: I know. So, the Rexus goes to...Ready 2 Rumble: Round 2 for Playstation 2 by Midway!
Butchcer Brown, Afro Thunder and Shaquille O'Neal get up.
Butcher: Wow, it's great to win a prize like this.
Afro: Yeah, it seems that kicking your ass on a fight was great!
Butcher: Watch it out bush-head, or after I'm done with you I'll plant your head in my garden and water your hair!
Afro: You call yourself "butcher" but you weren't so tough in the game!
Butcher: That's because I would get fired if I'd show all of my violence in the game, but after we get this over with, I'll tell you a lullaby you'll never forget! Let's sit down now!
Saquille: Hey guys, I didn't say anything!
Butcher: You don't have to!
Afro: Yeah, you're already famous being a basketball player!
E-Cyas: Okay then, let's move on to the next console games category. Let's give a big applause for an unforgettable shooter, Mr Duke Nukem!
From the upper place of the stairs where the guest were coming down, voices and a machinegun is heard. Suddenly, guts are thrown from there and Duke Nukem appears.
Duke: This fu***ng aliens never leave me alone! Ladies and gentlemen good evening and I wish this night will stay unforgetable to all of you. So, let's what this year's shooters have done. The screen shows a guy(maybe he's the machinegunner who appeared earlier) who shoots creatures(aliens, animals, monsters, humans, whatever you can imagine).
Narrator: This kind of games don't require brain or intelligence. Just grab a weapon and slaughter as many as you can!
The logo "BEST SHOOTING GAME FOR CONSOLE" appear and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Silent Scope for Playstation 2 by Konami The World is not Enough for Nintendo 64 by EA Games Unreal Tournament for Playstation 2 by Infogrames TimeSplitters for Playstation 2 by Eidos Quake III Arena For Dreamcast by Sega Half-Life: Blue Shift for Dreamcast by Gearbox
Duke: So, the Rexus goes to...The World is not Enough for Nintendo 64 by EA Games!
James Bond gets up and go towards the stand.
James: Thank you very much, it was a great honor to receive a prize like this. And I thought that only GoldenEye 007 made me famous in the video game world!
As he was going to sit down, and was still walking, he turned around his head and said:
James: Thank you once again for this, it was reallyyyyy..!
Duke: Hey James, watch out your st.
James fell off as we going down from the stand stairs.
Duke: ...ep!
Two doctors come into the room with a stretcher, come near James and put the Rexus on the stretcher.
James: Hey guys, I'm the star here and I'm the one who's hurt!
Doctor 1: I don't give a f**k about you, we were told to watch over the Rexus if something happens to it.
Doctor 2: Yeah, you're human, you can heal yourself, but this prize needs to be repaired.
James: I don't believe this! The medical care here is even worse than Greece's!
E-Cyas: So, after the award of this famous person, let's move on. Our next hosts are three guys who are very famous in the console world. Let's welcome a real web crawler and a very alive person, Spiderman and Raziel!
Spiderman appears from the ceiling hanging from his web and Raziel comes out of green portal that appeared.
Spiderman: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I was from the beginning in this room, I was just hanging around.
Raziel: Yeah, and I was around here too, I was just in the Spectral Realm...But anyway, let's see the action heroes of this year.
The screen show a man who is inside a temple. He puts a key in a hole and a part of the wall opens revealing a treasure chest. He goes to take and then a crowd of wolves appear.
Narrator: In these games there is adventure mystery and hardcore action!
The logo "BEST ACTION/ADVENTURE GAME FOR CONSOLE" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Oni for Playstation 2 by Rockstar Fear Effect 2: Retro Helix for Playstation by Eidos Spawn: In the Demon's Hand for Dreamcast by Capcom C-12: Final Resistance for Playstation by Sony Resident Evil 3: Nemesis for Dreamcast by Capcom Batman of the Future: Return of the Joker for Nintendo 64 by UbiSoft
Spiderman: So, this little golden statue goes to...C-12: Final Resistance for Playstation by Sony!
Vice Liuetenant Vaughan goes towards the sand.
Vaughan: Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, it was really great to receive this prize.
Spiderman: By the way Vaughan, could you tell us how you got this red cyborg eye?
Vaughan: It got red from anger 'cause a guy like you asked me the same question!
Raziel: I can't say that what you said feared me 'cause you can't kill a dead man!
Spiderman: Take it back!
Vaughan: Why should I?
Then Spiderman grabs the Rexus with his web, moves it around and Vaughan chases him.
Vaughan: Give it back!
Spiderman: First take back what you said!
Vaughan: Okay, okay I'm taking it back. Now give me th fu***ng statue!
Spiderman: Sure!
Spiderman drops the Rexus on Vaughan's head.
Vaughan: Ouch!
Spiderman: Okay, got to go now!
Vaughan: Hey, web-crawler!
Spiderman: What?
Vaughan takes out a weapon and shoots Spiderman who's pushed by the weapons wave and lands on the wall. The wall breaks and a human-shaped hole with open arms and legs is on the wall.
Vaughan: The insect who'll defeat Vice Liuetenant Vaughan wasn't born yet!
Raziel: Hey, Spidey man, are you still there?
As Vaughan was going to sit down, Spiderman comes in the room by the hole with his costume teared up and says:
Spiderman: Hey, Vaughan.
Vaughan: What?
Spiderman: First of all.
Spiderman jumps in front of him and kicks him.
Spiderman: .I'm really pissed off when someone tears off my clothes, and second...
Then he shoots him with his web and Vaughan is tied on the ceiling with web.
Spiderman: .I'M NOT AN INSECT!!!
Raziel: Because spiders are not insects?
Spiderman: Exaclty.
Then the web tears off and Vaughan lands on his seat with the head down.
E-Cyas: So, after that let's move on to another live performance. Let's welcome a famous band who has many fans! Yes, you're right they're...
Squall: What, you managed to get here The Beatles?
E-Cyas: No, not that famous. But, anyway, let's welcome Linkin Park!
In the stage Linkin Park appear and they perform the song Crawling.
E-Cyas: So, after the tramendeous Linkin Park let's move with our next guests, three of the most remarkable characters in the history of video games. Ladies and gentlemen, hold your breath 'cause tonight we have just for you, Mario, Sonic and Crash Bandicoot!
Near the stand, a green pipe appears and Mario jumps out of it. Then Sonic comes from the stairs with the usual great speed. Then a grey sphere appears, Crash is thrown out of it and the sphere disappears.
Crash: Damn, I should have come from the stairs!
Mario: Wow, it's about time that a video games awards took place.
Sonic: Yeah, you're right, they should have organised something like this 5-10 years ago.
Crash: Hey, guys, we'll talk about this later, let's see first how the platformers have gone this year.
The screen shows a guy who jumps on platforms that go up and down.
Narrator: These were ye old days.
Then the character is transported into a valley with enemys and various things to collect.
Narrator: Yeah, that's more like it!
Then the logo "BEST PLATFORM GAME FOR CONSOLE" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Donkey Kong Country for Gameboy Color by Nintendo Rayman Advance for Gameboy Advance by UbiSoft Sonic Adventure 2 for Dreamcast by Sega Sheep Dog n' Wolf for Playstation by Infogrames The Emperor's New Groove for Playstation by Disney Banjo-Tooie for Nintendo 64 by Nintendo
Mario: So, the winner is.
Sonic: Hey, I want to say the winner's name!
Crash: Me too!
Mario: Hey, guys, the envelope is only one and we are three! How are we going to say it the three of us at the same time?
Crash: Let's flip a coin.
Sonic: I've got a better idea. We'll say it one by one.
Mario: Okay.
Crash: Fine from me.
Mario: So,...
Sonic: ...the winner is.
Crash:...Sonic Adventure 2 for Dreamcast by Sega!
Sonic: Yeah, I won!
Crash: Hah! Gotcha! I was just kidding!
Sonic: Oh, damn!
Crash: What did you expect? Your foolish console can't do anything any more.
Sonic: Take that back!
Crash: Oh, what's the matter, can't you take over the truth? Playstation 2 games are made every day. It's pure luck if a Dreamcast game appears once in a month!
Sonic: Maybe the console isn't as big as it was when it first made out, but there were cool games in it!
Crash: Maybe, but you were so desperate that you let us Crazy Taxi to be in PS2. And it was good, because the game now is more popular.
Sonic: Listen here you rodent, maybe I belong now to a software house and not a console company, but that doesn't mean that you'll make fun of me or say the dark ages of my company!
Crash: Oh, yeah, why?
Then Sonic attacks him with a spin attack.
Sonic: That's why!
Crash: Let's see you now!
Crash takes out his bazooka and fires at Sonic, who eats the Gumba fruits that the bazooka fires.
Sonic: Gnum, gnum...you're not a great warrior, but you can sure make great food!
Crash: Enough of this!
Three Aku Aku boxes apper, Crash breaks them and becomes invulnerable.
Sonic: You must do something better than this!
A Chaos Emerald appears, Sonic touches it and becomes Super Sonic.
Crash: I won't give up that easy!
Super Sonic: We'll see that!
Then they fight with punches, kicks and swear words.
Mario: So, the winner is...
Super Sonic: You fu***ng rodent!
Crash: You a****le hedgehog!
Mario: It seems that these two are causing trouble. I have to get rid of them.
He takes out a cellular phone, dials a number the phone rings a few times and a voice answers.
Wario: Yes?
Mario: Hey, Wario, whassup, it's me Mario!
Wario: Hey, ya old buddie what's the matter? I'm watching from my computer the awards and two boneheads are fighting!
Mario: Could you take'em outta here?
Wario: Sure!
After 10 seconds a gyrocopter appears from the awards' ceiling and the pilot is Wario. Then he throws a metal ball on Super Sonic and Crash. When the ball lands on them, smokes appear and Super Sonic and Crash find themselves in a metal cage!
Super Sonic: What the f**k happened here?
Mario: Sorry guys but you have to leave!
As Wario lifts them up they say:
Crash: You moron, it's you're fault!
Super Sonic: Well, I wasn't the one who started doing bull****!
Mario: So, the winner is...Banjo-Tooie for Nintendo 64 by Nintendo!
Banjo stands up and go to the stand.
Mario: Congradulations man!
Banjo: Thanks Mario. Good evening guys, it was great to receive this prize and...
Then Kazooie's head appears from Banjo's bag.
Kazooie: I would like to thak you also for the...
Mumbo Jumbo appers from the bag too.
Mumbo: And I would also like to thank...
Banjo: When the f**k did you two got into my bag?
Kazooie: When you put it down in the backstage.
Mumbo: Yeah, and it wasn't fair not to let us say anything!
Banjo: But... hey, look, it's Elvis!
Kazooie and Mumbo: (turning around their heads)Where?
Then Banjo puts their heads in the bag, close the zip and puts chains and locks around the bag.
Kazooie and Mumbo: Hey, that wasn't fair, let us outta here!
Banjo: When we get home and IF I remember you. Anyway, bye!
E-Cyas: Well, it seems that this night will be very long! Now, our next guests belong to a very remarkable category. Let's welcome Tifa Lockheart, King Edgar and Ryu!
From the ceiling a metal platform carrying the three guys is coming down.
Ryu: Okay, now, let's seeeeee.!
Ruy falls down on the stand.
Edgar: You moron, the elevator didn't come down yet!
Ryu: I noticed it.
Edgar: So, Tifa, when all this is done, how about giving you a night you'll never forget?
Tifa kicks him at his face and he lies down.
Tifa: Is that answering your question?
Ryu: Hey, Edgar, you're all right?
Edgar: Ah, she's obvious nuts about me!
Tifa: So, let's take a look at this year's RPG nominees.
The screen shows a knight, a mage and an elf who walk in a dungeon. Suddenly a monster(imagine something between a dragon, a troll and an orc) appears. Then the knight draws his sword and shield, a blue aura appears in the mage's left hand(in the other he's holding his staff) and the elf draws his bow.
Narrator: Enter the mythical, epic world of RPGs. The logo "BEST ROLE PLAYING GAME FOR CONSOLE" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: The Legend of Dragoon for Playstation by Sony Final Fantasy IX for Playstation by Square Pokemon Gold/Silver for Gameboy Color by Nintendo Summoner for Playstation 2 by THQ Grandia II for Dreamcast by UbiSoft The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for Nintendo 64 by Nintendo
Edgar: Now, may I see who won?
Tifa: First of all, I'll read the winner's name and second...
Tifa punches him.
Tifa: ...what you were holding wasn't the envelope!
Ryu: Man, won't you ever give up?
Edgar: Not until this night is done!
Tifa: So, the winner is...Final Fantasy IX for Playstation by Square!
Zidane Tribal, Adelbert Steiner, Vivi Ornintier and Quina Quen stand up and go towards the stand.
Ryu: Congratulations, dudes!
Edgar : Yeah, you were great!
Zidane: Thank you very much, it was great to receive this prize.
Steiner: I swear to the Royal Army's oath that I'll protect this statue with my life!
Zidane: Hey, Steiner, relax for a sec, you don't have to be that formal all the time!
Steiner: Never when I'm on duty!
Vivi: Whatever. Hey, this little golden thing looks good. May I have a closer look?
Zidane: Sure!
Then Vivi points the Rexus and he transforms it into a pumkin.
Steiner: Hey, what the f**k?.
Quina: Me had very long time since ate pumkin.
Zidane: Vivi, cut this bull**** out and return the Rexus in its true morph before Quina eats it!
Vivi: Ah, okay!
In the same time Vivi returned the Rexus to its true form, Quina grabbed it with his tongue.
Steiner: Tongues off the statue, or I'll cut your tongue in half!
Quina: Ah, okay.
Zidane: Yuck, look what you did now, you filled it with slime!
Quina: Me sorry.
Vivi : Okay, but you'll clean it!
Steiner: Once again, thank you for everything. Good night!
Zidane: Okay, Steiner, you're dismissed.
The camera shows E-Cyas who's picking his nose.
E-Cyas: Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Okay, now, let's move up the next console category. Let's welcome with a big applause two of the best racers in the world, Michael Schumacher Tommi Hakkinen!
Suddenly everine see two F1 cars running in the stage and the crash. Then some guys with white costumes and fire fighters and cool down the fire. Michael and Tommi get out of the cars and go towards the stand.
Michael: Hey, man, you're all right?
Tommi: Yeah, this job is getting really dangerous! Were're not only F1 drivers but stand masters as well!
Michael: Okay, let's leave this. So, let's see how other drivers made it out.
The screen shows a race of touring cars(what else did you expect?).
Narrator: Fasten your seat belts, put on your helmets and get ready for some racing action! The logo "BEST RACING GAME FOR CONSOLE" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Gran Tourismo 3 for Playstation 2 by Sony Big SSX for Playstation 2 by EA Games Looney Tunes Space Race for Dreamcast by Infogrames Mickey's Speedway USA for Nintendo 64 by Nintendo F1 Championship Season 2000 for Playstation 2 by EA Sports San Francisco Rush 2049 for Nintendo 64 by Midway
Michael: So, and the Rexus goes to...
Tommi: ...Looney Tunes Space Race for Dreamcast by Infogrames!
Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Sylvester and Porky Pig stand up and go towards the stand.
Bugs: Hey, what's up docs? It was really cool to win this prize and.
Daffy: That's enough! Let the real star speak! Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank everyone who supported me and...
All the applause that heard when they stood up suddenly stops when Daffy speaks and in the room nothing else is heard except Daffy.
Daffy: Very funny! Laugh all at the duck!
Sylvester: Now, I'll like to thpeak. Ladieth and dthentlemen, I'm very happy to rethieve thith prithe and...
As long as Sylvester speaks everyone take out an umbrella.
Sylvester: ...but motht important, my colleagueth, who helped me tho mutth and...
Tweety: Hey, how are you people doing?
Sylvester: Thupper thuckatath! What are you doing here?
Tweety: I though I saw a pussycat! Yes, I did, I did saw a pussycat!
Sylvester: Thtupid bird! Can't you find a better line?
Tweety: Oh, yeah, I see how you're going here!
Sylvster: What do you mean?
Tweety: I mean that everyone must carry an umbrella with him whenever you talk!
Sylvester: Thath's it! Now I'll get you for thure!
Tweety: We'll see that!
Sylvester starts chasing Tweety and they get out of the room.
Bugs: Okay docs, that's enough. Thank you once again for this and have everyone a good night!
As they were about to leave, something spinning comes into the room and stops in front of them.
Daffy: Oh, not him!
Taz: Wow, grough, groan, strough!
Porky: Wha-wha-wha-wha-what did you say?
Taz: Taz want prize! Taz want prize!
Bugs: Hey, Daffy, you take the prize.
Bugs gives the Rexus to Daffy and he(Daffy) gulps.
Taz: Taz want prize!
Daffy: Momma.
Then Taz swallows Daffy and after a couple of seconds he spits him.
Daffy: Yuck! I've seen places and places but...hey, I found it!
Then a DJ with his console appears, Daffy puts on hip hop clothes and the DJ plays the music of Purple Hills while Daffy sings:
Daffy: I've been so many places, I've seen so many faces, but nothing compares to the big and slimy stomach of Taz!
Taz: Daffy good.
Bugs: Okay, doc, that's enough, let's go.
Daffy: Hey, Bugs.
Bugs: What?
Daffy: You know, you're...you're.you're dispickable!
Porky: Okay, guys! And th-th-th-th-th-that's all folks!
E-Cyas: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, let's move on to the last console games category. Let's welcome our guests, David Beckham and Diego Maradona!
David and Diego are coming from the stairs.
David: So, Diego, isn't it a great night tonight?
Diego takes out something and snifs it.
David: Hey, Diego..!
Diego: What..? Umm...yes, it's a great night and it will be better when it finishes!
David: What?
Diego: AhI mean, let's take a look at this year's sports nominees.
The screen shows a football. Then a foot kicks the ball and a football match is shown. After some seconds the camera zooms on the ball and it becomes a basketball. Then a basketball match is shown.
After some other seconds the camera zooms once again on the ball and it becomes a rugby ball. Then a rugby match is shown. Then a video mix of all these games is shown.
Narrator: Get ready to sweat, get ready to run, get ready to grab the ball!
The logo "BEST SPORTS GAME FOR CONSOLE" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Madden NFL 2001 for Playstation 2 by EA Sports ESPN International Track & Field for Playstation 2 by Konami Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX for Dreamcast by Acclaim NBA 2K1 for Dreamcast by Sega Sports NHL 2001 for Playstation by EA Sports International Superstar Soccer for Playstation 2 by Konami
David: Okay, so, the winner is...ISS for Playstation 2 by Konami!
Ronaldo and Kahn get up and go towards the stand.
Ronaldo: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, thank you for this. It's really good to know that I have many fans and...
Kahn: Ah, the good old known Ronaldo! Always dies for publicity!
Ronaldo: Hey, it's not my fault that I'm the best football player in the world!
Kahn: What do you think? Because you appeared in a Pepsi commercial you're a star?
Ronaldo: Yeah, got any problem with that?
Kahn: Yeah, I do and if you don't.
Suddenly a football lands between them.
Ronaldo: What's that for?
Kahn: Remember the Nike commercial?
Ronaldo: Yeah!
Kahn: Shall we?
Ronaldo: Sure!
Then most lights are shut off and Ronaldo, Kahn, Beckham and Maradona start kicking the ball, breakdancing in the floor and the make something like music.
Kahn: Wow, that's great!
Ronaldo: Hey, what about going for a beer after all this?
Beckham, Maradona & Kahn: Sure!
As Beckham and Maradona were going on the backstage and Ronaldo with Kahn were going to sit a touching tune is played and a voice says:
Narrator: Whenever you disagree, whenever you feel angry, whenever there is hate, play footbal. Football make us get closer, it warms up relationships, it...
Then the camera shows a young couple who's kissing each other.
Narrator: I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIPS!!! Anyway, whenever you don't feel good, just play football. That was a social message by Nike.
The camer shows E-Cyas who's whiping his tears.
E-Cyas: Snif. Ladies and gentlemen that was very touching. It made people with eternal hate to get closer. This shows us that love and frienship always survives in this cruel world.
Then suddenly the music stops.
E-Cyas: But, anyway, let's move on to the last console category. Let's welcome the last guest of this part, miss Jill Valentine!
Jill comes down from the stairs.
Jill: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're all having a good time and hope you'll be even better later. So, let's see this year's best console companies.
The screen shows the man that appeared in the best pc company.
Man: What? Do I have to tell everything for you? What do you think? That I'm here to say something special? I'm just here to make a video and then I'm outta here! Bad night!
As he leaves the logo "CONSOLE COMPANY OF THE YEAR" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Sony Computer Entertainment Nintendo Sega Enterprises EA Games & Sports Infogrames Capcom
Jill: So, the winner is.
Suddenly Tom & Jerry burst into the room.
Tom: You fu***ng mouse, what I'm gonna do with you it'll be nothing compared to what I'm doing you in the series!
Jerry: It seems that you're too sure for yourself!
Tom: Why, you think that you're gonna get away from me?
Jerry: You never know! Hey isn't that Fred Durst over there?
Tom(turning his head): Where?
Then he slips on the stand stairs and falls down.
Tom That's it! NOW I'M REALLY PISSED OFF!!!
Jerry: Whenever you say that you never manage anything!
Tom: We'll see you now!
He then takes out a hammer(don't ask from where, they're cartoons and can do anything they want) and starts chasing Jerry.
Jill: So, the winner is...
Then Jerry passes over Jill and Tom hits her by mistake.
Tom: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Jill: That't it! I faced zombies who sweated me and made me feel very uncomfortable, BUT I'M REALLY PISSED OFF WHEN SOMEONE HITS MY VALENTINO DRESS!!!
Then she takes out an uzi and starts shooting at Tom and Jerry.
Jerry: Look what you did now!
Tom: Just shut the f**k up and let's get the f**k outta here before she turns us into emendall cheeses!
As they were running to the exit.
Jerry: Look what you did now! You said "cheese" and you made me feel hungry!
Jill: So, as I was saying, the winner is...Sony Computer Entertainment!
The music and the video are played, but the one who's supposed to get up doesn't.
Jill: Hey, I can't keep this! Who's the one who has to take it?
Then a scream is heared, the ceiling breaks and Crash lands near her.
Jill: Where have you been?
Crash: I was trying to get away from that a****le,
Wario. In a moment he and Sonic weren't looking,so I created a portal to get here. But I didn't compute the location well and I apperead over the awards, not inside! But, anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who helped me and especially...
???: Hey!
Crash: Who's that.
A short man with a big head and an "N" on his face goes towards the stand.
Neo: Yes, it's me! Dr. Neo Kortex and I want to complain about the fact you didn't let me go up for the prize!
Crash: Well, you know how it goes. The hero takes the prize and...
Neo: I don't give a f**k! I didn't hummiliate myself acting as the villain who's a mad scientist for nothing! I want some of the glory! I want to...
Crash: Okay, you can have it!
Neo: What?
Crash: Yes, I mean it. You can have this prize as long as you want.
Neo: Wow, I don't what to say.
Crash: You don't have to. Just take it.
Neo: Thanks!
As Neo was going to sit, Crash whispers to Jill.
Crash: He was fine first, but it seems that his role in this game made him a madman anyway!
Jill: I see.
E-Cyas: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the second part of the Rexus Awards 2001 has come to an end. Don't go away 'cause after the break the third and final part of this event will take place! For now enjoy a great British band who came here just for you! Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy Travis!
In the stage Travis appear with a special effect(the one that the Predator in the movie used) and perform the song Side. As they were in the end of the song, a big flying saucer appears above the audience. Then it shoots four blue rays to each band member and the aura lifts'em up to the saucer.
Ronaldo: Wow, nice trick!
Vaughan: Yeah, these guys really know how to impress!
E-Cyas: Hey, is this great or what!
Then he takes out a cellular phone and dials a number.
E-Cyas: Hey, guys, this saucer effect is great! How's that you didn't tell it to me? What? What do you mean you've got no idea how this thing got inside?! Then saucer was ready to take off.
Squall: Oh, s**t, that's a real kidnapping by aliens!
Cloud: Damn, whenever these guys perform this song, the aliens are grabbing them!
Mario: It seems that I have to make another phone call.
He takes out his cellular phone, dials another number and a voice is heard.
???: Yeah?
Mario: Hey, Fox, whassup?
Fox McCloud: Yo, Mario, how are you?
Mario: Fine, how are you?
Fox: Oh, I'm just in my base in Corneria watching the awards.
Mario: Listen, Fox, I need a favor.
Fox: What?
Mario: You know, Travis have been kidnapped!
Fox: Again?!
Mario: Yeah, and I was wondering if could you...
In the other line a voice is heard.
Slippy: Hey, Fox.
Fox: Not now Slippy.
Slippy: Fox...
Fox: Can't now.
Slippy: FOX!!!
Fox: Sorry, Mario...What?
Slippy: Can you help me with this crossword, I'm trying all day to solve it and I can't.
Fox: I'm busy now!
Slippy: Just a moment, help with a word. It's something with 6 letters, it's green and it's annoying, what is it?
Fox: S-L-I-P-P-Y.
Slippy: Thanks...oh, very funny!
Fox: Mario, what were you saying?
Mario: Could bring'em back?
Fox: Sure, we're heading right away!
After Fox closes the communication, he gathers the rest of the team.
Fox: Okay, guys, come here I have something to tell you.
Falco: Let me guess.we have to kill Andross again?
Fox: Nope.
Peppy: We're going on holiday to Aquas?
Fox: No.
Falco: Wait, is it the Travis case?
Fox: Yap.
Peppy: Oh, man, why can't they protect themselves?
Fox: Well, you know how it goes.we're the heroes and we have to rescue everyone who's in trouble. Now, everyone get at the hangar in 10 minutes to take off.
After half an hour, when they gathered there and got into the airwings, Fox asks the others.
Fox: Okay, guys...main engines?
Falco: Check.
Peppy: Check.
Slippy: Check.
Fox: Rear thrusters?
Falco: Check.
Peppy: Check.
Slippy: Check.
Fox: Laser guns?
Falco: Check.
Peppy: Check.
Slippy: Check.
Fox: Nova Bombs?
Falco: Check.
Peppy: Check.
Slippy: Check.
Fox: Picnic basket?
Falco: Um...check.
Peppy: It's right here!
Slippy: Same here!
Fox: Okay, boys, let's go!
Slippy: Yeah, let's go!
Because of Slippy's rush, he flies to the wrong direction and gets out the hangar's ceiling.
Falco: You moron!
Peppy: Damn, it's the third time he does it in this month!
Falco: Yeah, and in the same spot!
Fox: Anyway, we'll fix it when we'll return.
Falco: Yeah, we hardly get any action these days.
Peppy: Okay, let's go!
Then the three airwings get out by the hangar's exit(not the one that Slippy did).
Back to the awards.
E-Cyas: Well, this night is full of surprises! What will we see next? Anyway, be back or you'll miss!
Then a gold logo that says "REXUS AWARDS 2001" appears and the narrator says:
Narrator: The Rexus Awards 2001 is sponsored by Intel, Microsoft, Sony, Vodafone, Interscope Records, Bud and Burger King.
After the commercials.
E-Cyas: For once again, welcome back! I'm E-Cyas and you're watching the Rexus Awards of the year 2001. Welcome to the final part of this great event. Let's begin with a guy that survived until today from the 80's. Yes, you're right, it's that yellow ball-eater, Pacman!
Pacman comes down from the stairs in a 3D morph.
Pacman: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy to be here and.
???: Stop!
Suddenly 3 ghosts enter the room.
Pacman: Where the f**k did you came from?!
Pinky: Non of your business, yellow ball!
Blinky: Yeah, now beat it!
Grumpy: Yeah, we will present the awards!
Blinky: Unless you want to get eaten!
Pacman: I don't think so!
Then he puts his hand in his pocket.
Pacman: I knew that you'll come so...hey, where is it?
Blinky: And we knew that you'll use an energy ball...
Pinky: ...so we stole it!
Then Grumpy takes out the energy ball.
Grumpy: So, we hid it in a place you'll never find it!
Blinky & Pinky: You moron, why you're showing it?!
Then Pacman grabs the ball.
Pacman: Thanks!
He eats it he starts blinking. Then he eats Blinky and his eyes are running to the exit. Grumpy and Pinky follow them.
Pinky: Next time we'll set a plan againist him, you won't be count!
Grumpy: Sorry.
Pacman: So, after this misunderstanding, let's check out this year's best consoles.
The screen shows a guy playing a console game. Then the camera zooms into the console and the console's hardware is shown.
Narrator: Inside every console its technical power hides.
Then the logo "CONSOLE OF THE YEAR" is shown and trailers of the consoles begin.
Narrator: Sega Dreamcast Sony Playstation Sony Playstation 2 Nintendo 64 Nintendo Game Boy Color Nintendo Game Boy Advance
Pacman: So, the Rexus goes to...Sony Playstation 2!
Crash stands up and goes towards the stand.
Crash: Thank you, thank you, it's been a big pleasure working for this great company. It was very funny acting in my games and...
???: Hold it right there!
Crash: Oh no, not you again!
Wario: Yup, it's me!
Crash: How the hell did you know I was here?
Wario: First of all, it was obvious that you'll return here to take the awards of your company. And second, I watched the awards from my notebook and I saw you there.
Crash: Oh come on, give me a break, I need to be here to receive the awards. I promise I won't cause any more trouble!
Wario: Okay then, but take this with you!
Crash: What?
Then Wario drops from his gyrocopter Sonic who lands on Crash.
Sonic & Crash: YOU!!!
Sonic: I didn't forgot what you've done before, so this time I'll show you!
Crash: Oh yeah, what are you gonna do, you blue freak?
Wario: Crash.
Crash: Okay now, here's the deal: we'll try to get this over with peacefully and then we'll kick each other's ass!
Sonic: Okay!
E-Cyas: Okay now, let's move to our next guest who's also a guy who survived through the ages. Let's welcome with a big applause, Sir Simon Belmont!
Simont comes down the stairs. Then a large bat appears, it flies towards Simon and he takes out a whip and kills it.
Simon: It seems that my job is never done! But, anyway, let's see who made us fear most this year.
The screen shows a guy who enters an old house. Then the doors locks and ghosts, gouls, vampires, mummies and zombies appear to the character.
Narrator: These kind of games really know how to give you the creeps.
The logo "BEST HORROR GAME" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Alone in the Dark IV: The New Nightmare for Playstation by Infogrames Resident Evil 3: Nemesis for Dreamcast by Capcom Silent Hill 2 for Playstation 2 by Konami Evil Dead: Hail to the King for PC by THQ Spawn: In the Demon's Hand for Dreamcast by Capcom Undying for PC by EA Games
Simon: So, the winner is...Undying for PC by EA Games!
Patrick Galloway gets up and walks towards the stand.
Patrick: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for this prize. It was really great acting in this game. Many unusual things appeared there, but, we all know that these kind of things never appear.
Suddenly 4 persons, 2 men and 2 women, enter the room. All of them wear old-fashioned clothes, of the Victorian age. One man has long black hair, the other one has red hair and a moustashe, one has blond hair and wears a white dress and the other woman has red hair and wears a blue dress.
Ambrose(black-haired man): Stop right there where you are!
Patrick: Where the f**k did you guys know about these awards?
Aaron(red-haired man): Hey, listen, just because we live in an old mansion, we're dressed in old-fashionable clothes and live like the old days, that doesn't mean we don't have a computer and internet connection!
Lizbeth(blonde woman): Yeah, and it wasn't fair you didn't let us present the awards!
Patrick: But you would scare everyone!
Bethany(red-haired woman): But we're not in our supernatural morph.
Patrick: You look scary anyway!
Aaron: Enough of this! Step aside that we'll take the prize!
Patrick: Or what?
Ambrose: Or what?
Then all the lights turn off and only in the place where Ambrose, Aaron, Lizbeth and Bethany has some light. Then Ambrose takes off his clothes and under them he wear Indian-style clothes. After we ties a red string on his head and takes out a big axe.
After that, Aaron explodes and in his place a zombie with scissors in the hands appears. Then blood comes out of Lizbeth's mouth. And then she kisses in the camera and a creature, something between a wolf and a zombie comes next to her. Finally Bethany explodes and in her place a creature with blue and white face with witch clothes appears. Then she raises her hands and from the ground two big snakes appear.
Ambrose, Aaron, Lizbeth and Bethany: THAT'S WHAT!!!
Patrick: Don't think that I came unprepared.
Patrick takes out if his pocket a green shiny stone.
Lizbeth: The Scrye? Hah! This thing cannot hurt us anymore!
Patrick: Yeah, but this is the new ZX-57482920 model which has anti-shock protection, lighter, internet connection, wap services, MP3 player, it can make coffee and is equiped with a new spell!
Bethany: Which is?
Then Patrick points the stone towards them and a big green aura shoots them and they're surrounded by a green cloud(imagine something like the Ultima spell in Final Fantasy VII, but in a smaller scale). After that they cloud explodes and they're gone like they've never arrived.
Simon: Where did they go?
Patrick: Don't ask.
Simon: Why?
Patrick: Just trust me.
The camera zooms on the Scrye and the 4 guys are inside and they talk to Patrick with a squicky voice.
Ambrose: What the f**k happened?
Aaron: Hey, let us outta here!
Patrick: Nope, you're too dangerous. I'll leave you in the Scrye for a couple of centuries and then my incestors will decide.
Lizbeth: Hey, let us outta here, I...er...have an important meeting!
Bethany: Um...yeah, and I have to go to the hairdresser!
Patrick: Yeah, right, and I am the script writer of the Final Fantasy movie.
E-Cyas: Man, this is a cool night or what! Let's check out our next guest, who's no one else but Croc!
From the ceiling a platform comes down with Croc on it.
Croc: Good evening everyone, so leeee.!
As he was going to fall, asmall, red and hairy thing that was on the platform grabs him from his tail.
Gobbo: Hey, watch it!
Croc: Phew! Thanks a lot man!
Gobbo: Nothing. But the irony is that, although I am the brave and courageous guy and you're the dumb and the cloumsy guy, you were the protagonist of the game. What did you expext, just because...
Then Croc closes Gobbo's mouth with his hand.
Croc(whispering): Shhhhh! What are you doing? What you said was confidential information of the company!
Gobbo: Oops, sorry.
Croc: Okay, now beat it before you say something else!
Gobbo: Like what? Do you think that I'll tell that you're hiding from the income tax information the mansion you inherited or...
Croc: Shut the f**k up and get the f**k outta here!
Gobbo: Okay.
Croc: So, let's take a look at the ones who represented their company this year.
The screen shows a football match where in the seats two persons dressed in their team's colors they're encouraging their teams.
Narrator: You cannot always count on your fans, so there must be something stabilised.
The logo "BEST MASCOT" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Rayman of UbiSoft Sonic of Sega Mario of Nintendo Crash Bandicoot of Sony Mog of Square Croc of Fox
Croc: So, the winner is...Mog!
A small, flying and white creature whith red leather wings flies over the audience and lands near Croc.
Mog: Thanks, kupo! Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm very happy to win this prize and...
Artemicion: Me too!
Kupek: Of course, me too!
Nazna: Ask me too!
Then about 50 moogles fly over Mog.
Mog: Hey, guys, didn't I tell you to stay home?
Grimo: Hey, it wasn't nice just you to receive the prize!
Kumool: Yeah, we are moogles too and we want to have the prize too!
Mog: Okay, just a second.
Mog turns his back to them and throws the Rexus out of the room and all the moogles are running after it until they're out of the room.
Croc: Hey, that was good!
Mog: Thanks, kupo! The good old magic trick of illusion always works! See ya!
E-Cyas: I think it's time to have another small music break. And it's time to rock! Let's welcome a great American rock band which will give us a real rock show, Blink 182!
In the stage Blink 182 and the Blink 182 dwarves appear and perform the song The Rock Show.
After the performance, as they were about to leave, Travis says to his dwarf clone:
Travis: Hey man, we're leaving!
Travis dwarf: Just a minute man, I'm coming! So, see ya at the spot with my dudes, okay!
Gorwan: Sure man, I'll bring some buddies of mine too!
E-Cyas: So, after the gorgeous Blink 182, let's move to the next category! Let's welcome with a big applause a great actress who fascinated everyone this year. Yes, you're right, it's Dr. Aki Ross!
Aki comes down from the stairs and she's applaused mostly by the men audience.
Aki: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're all having a good time. Let's take a look at the guys and girls who did the heroes this year.
The screen shows a man who's shooting with a machinegun aliens. Then his machingun empties and he throws a rope to the ceiling. At the moment he gets to the upper floor, five ninjas are waiting for. He looks around and he sees a gas tank. He then throws a knife at it, smokes a cigarette and says: Action Hero: To be or not to be? Not to be.
He throws his cigarette at the tanker. And jumps out of the building from a window. As he was falling, he grabs the side of a chopper, where inside his partner is piloting. As they were going away, the building explodes.
Then the logo "BEST ACTION HERO" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Konoko in Oni Lara Croft in Tomb Raider V James Bond in The World is not Enough Hitman in Hitman: Codename 47 David Llewelyn Jones in Project IGI Lieutenant Vaughan in C-12: Final Resistance
Aki: So, the Rexus goes to...Konoko!
Suddenly, a window on the ceiling breaks from someone who jumped into. Then Konoko(who else you thought it was?) shoots something on the ground, which becomes something like a big and green jelly. When Konoko falls into it, it slows down her speed and after a few seconds, it disappears.
Aki: Wow, it seems that you really deserve the prize of best action woman!
Konoko: Thanks doc. Of course, you could lend me an improved model of this thing, 'cause it stuck on my clothes! Anyway, I'm very happy to be here and much more for winning this prize. I would like to thank everyone who helped me and...
A man from the fan audience: Hey, babe, why don't you thank me for the night I gave you yesterday?
Then Konoko takes out a gun and shoots the guy who, after the shot faints.
Konoko: Disguisting pig.
Aki: Oh, my God, what have you done?
Konoko: Relax sis, it didn't kill him. It was just a tranquiliser with sleeping drug. He will wake up after a while with a temporary loss of memory, if we suppose that pig has any brain in his empty head. Anyway, goodnight!
E-Cyas: Well, it seems that all this is coming to and end. So, let's tolerate this event and let's welcome one of our final guests, a courageous man, who risked his life many times and solved many difficult riddles and puzzles. Let's welcome Gabriel Knight!
As Gabriel comes down from the stairs, many paniced young women from the fan audience are running towards him.
Girl 1: Gabriel, my baby!
Girl 2: I love you Gabriel!
Girl 3: Give me an autograph, Gabriel!
Girl 4: Give me yourself, Gabriel!
Girl 5: Make me a baby, Gabriel!
At the moment before they reach him, a rope comes down in front of him, he grabs it, the rope is lifting it and the girls fall into a pit that opens in the spot they are.
Gabriel: Phew, that was close.
The rope is putting him down and Gabriel looks upwards.
Gabriel: Hey, what the...Grace, thanks babe!
Grace: You can thank me later cowboy, go now to present the awards.
Gabriel: Thanks, Grace, you always know how to get me out of troube. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. So, let's take a look at this year's best actors.
The screen shows a movie in black and white were two guys in the Chicago of the '30's with guns.
Man 1: Hmmm, you arrived in time.
Man 2: That's me, I work like a swiss watch.
Man 1: Let's see if your watch will work after you die!
Man 2: Well, if you ask, the heart has many tubes, which put in and out blood in it and...
Man 1: Hey,...
Man 2: ...and from the valves the blood goes to the lungs, brain, in the whole body and...
Man 1: I said, ENOUGH!!!
Then the movie becomes colored.
Man 1: Hey, Tim, what is all these bull**** he says, I'm supposed to be the protagonist so I'm supposed to say the most words!
Tim Burton: Sorry, Jack, but you know, the script writer put something educational in the movie for the kids.
Jack: Oh, come on, what kind of parent will let his kid watch a movie with violence and swear words?
Tim: You.
Jack: Maybe, but that doesn't change what I said. I AM THE PROTAGONIST! I MAKE THE MOST TALKING!
Tim: Relax Jack, we will correct it. Okay guys, move it we go to the next scene.
Jack: WHY DOESN'T ANY MOTHER F****ER LISTENS TO ME? AM I ALONE IN THIS UNIVERSE? I SAID I AM THE PROTAGONIST!
Tim: Take it easy man.
Jack: I WON'T TAKE ANY BULL**** EASY OR HARD! I SAID.
Cameraman: Sir.
Tim: F**k him, let's go.
Everyone is leaving and Jack is left screaming.
Jack: WHY DOES NO ONE LISTENS TO ME? I AM THE PROTAGONIST! FOR ME EVERYONE WATCH THIS F****ING MOVIE! I AM THE STAR HERE! DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM!!!!
Then the logo "BEST PROTAGONIST" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: James Bond in The World is not Enough Zidane Tribal in Final Fantasy IX Lara Croft in Tomb Raider V Guybrush Threepwood in Escape from Monkey Island Kabuto in Giants: Citizen Kabuto Hitman in Hitman: Codename 47
Gabriel: So, the Rexus goes to...
Suddenly Sylvester and Tweety bust into the room.
Sylvester: You thtupid bir, why can't you thtop?
Tweety: At least I'm not idiot!
Sylvester: NOW YOU REALLY PITHED ME OFF!
Gabriel: What a noise, hey, Grace, can you take care of them?
Grace: Sure!
Then a pit opens in the spot where Sylvster is and he falls down.
Tweety: Thanks Mr Gabriel, I finally got rid of that big, bad pussycat! But I wonder where he went.
The camera shows an alley where Sylvester is thrown out of a door.
Sylvester: Thtupid bird...now I was kicked out of the awardth 'cauthe of him.
In the background 5 girls fight with each other.
Girl 1: Gabriel is mine don't you never touch him!
Girl 2: You don't even think about him! He wants me!
Girl 3: You're ugly and stupid! He wants me 'cause I'm the most beautiful!
Girl 4 & 5: No, I am!
Back in the awards.
Gabriel: So, as I was saying, the Rexus goes to...Guybrush Threepwood!
Guybrush stands up and go towards the stand.
Guybrush: Thank you ladies and gentlemen for this. I hope you all know that I appreciate it very much and...
Suddenly the cealing opens and Kabuto looks inside.
Kabuto: GROAR!
Guybrush: Wh-wh-wh-wh-what does this beast want?
Baz: I think he's mad because earlier he didn't take the prize and now he lost.
Kabuto: Grrrr.
Then Gabriel grabs the Rexus from Guybrush.
Gabriel: On a second thought, what I said was wrong. The winner is...Kabuto!
Guybrush: What are you doing?
Gabriel: What do you want? To be eaten by a monster or to get outta here in safe?
Guybrush: I guess the second.
After that Kabuto reaches with his long arm(the other one is shorter) and takes the prize and lifts it up.
Kabuto: Daboo, daboo, daboo.
E-Cyas: What did he say?
Baz: He's just happy.
E-Cyas: Anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to welcome our last guest for tonight, who'll make the finale for this great event. Ladies and gentlemen welcome a real mister bad guy, Silver!
An old man with silver hair comes down from the stairs.
Silver: Bad evening, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you'll all have a terrible night. So let's see who tried to reach me this year.
The screen shows a castle in a night with storm. The camera zooms on a window, where inside a mad scientist talks.
M.S.: Yes, yes, yes! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hack-cough-cough! Damn, I really have to quit this laugh.Yes, my plan will work perfectly. I spent many nights to assemble this machine. When I press this button, a real chaos will happen in all over the world. The monuments will fall down, mountains will open, rivers and lakes will be poisoned, the twin towers in New York will collapse.
Igor(his servant): Sir.
M.S.: What?
Igor: The twin towers have already collapsed.
M.S.: What? Why I wasn't informed?
Igor: Because the TV is broken for 2 years, you don't go out for newspapers and the internet connection wasn't updated for 3 months.
M.S.: What about the mail pigeons?
Igor: Your cat ate them.
M.S.: And what about the cat?
Igor: It was choked with all these feathers.
M.S.: Damn, I hate it when a plan spoils.
He drinks a beer.
M.S.: Anyway, in New York nothing will happen. But in all the rest of the world anarchy, chaos and sickness will appear in a great number! Igor, are you ready?
Igor: Yes, master.
M.S.: Here we go!
At the moment he push the button, the whole castle explodes and a crater appears in its place, where the mad scientist is covered with powder and Igor is hanged from a tube.
M.S.: It seems that I connected wrong some wires. Then the beer can falls on his head and he faints. Then the logo "BEST VILLAIN" appears and the trailers begin.
Narrator: Kuja in Final Fantasy IX Queen Sappho in Giants: Citizen Kabuto Nemesis in Resident Evil 3: Nemesis Gruntilda in Banjo-Tooie Jon Irenicus in Baldur's Gate II Cruella De Ville in 102 Dalmatians
Silver: So, and the one who tries to reach me for this year is...Jon Irenicus!
From his seat, Irenicus teleports near Silver.
Sivler: I hate giving you this prize and I wish I had got it.
Irenicus: Thanks! Good evening, humble people. I enjoyed very much slaughtering so many innocent people in the game, and I wish I could do the same thing now. But anyway, I.
???: STOP!!!
Silver: Now, who the f**k are you?
Kefka: Who am I? I am the best villain that walked the face of this world. I was supposed to have this prize and now a guy that jumped from no where grabbed it from me!
He go towards the stand and tries to take the Rexus away from Irenicus.
Kefka: Give it, give it, it's mine, mine, mine, mine!!!
Silver: Forget it, Kefka, you weren't in a game this year anyway.
Kefka: I don't give a f**k! I am the best villain, I am the one who must take the prize!
Irenicus: Just try to take it and after I'm done with, not even your mother will recognise you!
Kefka: Don't remind that to me! My mother didn't recognise me even when I was born!
Irenicus: That explains why everyone think you as a looser and madman!
Kefka: Oh yeah? I'll show who's the madman here! As the both of them were ready to draw their weapons, a deep and loud voice is heard.
???: Kefka..
Kefka: S**t! Quick hide me!
Irenicus: Who's that?
Kefka hides behind Irenicus.
Kefka: Don't ask, just hide me!
In the room a big and fat nurse, in the age of 50. Then the nurse hits the camera.
Nurse: I'm 20 and if someone doubts about it I'll smack his face!
Okay, okay...so the young and fat nurse, with blond hair, six moles in each cheek, a big nose, which reminded more a rotten tomato than a nose, 200 kilos and a german accent entered the room.
Bertha: Kefka, where are you, you little escaper?
Kefka: He's not here!
Bertha: There you are, I see you behind the handsome man with the black cape. Now, get out of there, the doctor said that you must stay in the bed for 3 more years.
Irenicus: From what he suffers?
Bertha: Madness and me.
Kefka: Mostly you!
Bertha: Enough of this! Let's go!
Kefka: I'm not going anywhere! I'M NOT MAD!!! I'M NOT EPILEPTIC!!! I DON'T SUFFER FROM ANYTHING!!!
Bertha: Hey look, it's Jerry Lee Lewis!
Kefka(turning his head): Where?
Then Bertha needles him with an injection.
Kefka: You b***h!
After that he runs towards the exit.
Bertha: Hey, wait!
Kefka: Wait, she says! Do.I look.like.a.waiter.to.you.
He faints and Bertha picks him up.
Bertha: Okay, I'm done with him. You can carry on your show.
E-Cyas: Ladies and gentlemen, what I'm about to say, it's something that I wished I'd never tell it. But I must. The Rexus Awards 2001 had come to an end. I hope you all had a great time watching it. The music finale will be maid by a very special artist that everyone love his songs, along with a video game star. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the one and only, Moby in a very special recording of one of his greatest songs along with a great star! Good fight, good night!
Then Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond come from the stairs.
Johnny: Hey, that's our line!
Nick: Yeah, and only we have a contract with MTV to use that phrase!
E-Cyas: Oh, shut up!
In the stage Moby appears and the performance of the song Porcelain begins. After a while a tune like a flute that follows the song is heard. And then Link, playing with his Ocarina appears.
After the audience's applause, the screen(not the one near the stand, but the whole) shows the ending badge of Warner Bros with the colored cirlces appear and in the middle Baz appears.
Baz: Hey mates, whassup? So, that's all.
Then Porky Pig appears.
Porky: H-h-h-h-h-hey, I'm saying that! And th-th-th-th-th-th.
Crash: Enough! Let the real star say it! Well, that's all.
The the two worms appear, they draw two uzis and kill them.
Worm 1& 2: That's all folks!
Michael: Hey, do you know how will I get home?
Ronaldo: Yeah, and my wife waits for me!
David: I don't know about you, but if I'll be late, Victoria will kill me!
Diego: Why you're all worried? It's okay here! No wives, no lawyers, no police! It's heaven here! Sniff.
The morons who participated in this bull****
Host
E-Cyas
Best Female Presenter
Aki Ross
Best Male Presenter
Um...was there anyone?
The suckers who sponsored us
Intel
Microsoft
Bill Gates
Bill Clinton
Bufallo Bill
My uncle Bill
The telephone bill
Vodafone
Interscope Records
Bud Beer Company
Bavaria
Heineken
Serkova
The two genes that played in the advertisement
Burger King
Special Thanks To:
The cow's horn I found in my burger
Mary and her home-made cookies
My friend, Bob, who pissed off the audience
Sadam Housein
In Memory Of:
Jaws, my pet shark
My dad's car, which I borrowed yesterday
Jimmy Hendrix
Pong
Amiga
Atari
MARK 1
That was something that should never happen again.
--POW-
-BAM-
-OUCH!-
On a second thought, I'll consider it.
Director
My grandpa (who passed away a year ago)
Executive Producer
My uncle
Lunatic Productions 2001 (B.C.)
See you next year! (I hope.)