It is a period of extreme boredom.
A lone author, writing from her
hidden computer, has written her first
story lampooning George Lucas´ vision.
After she finished, it was recommended
to her by friends and colleagues that she
write a sequel to her story making fun of
Episode Four. So she wrote STAR WARS:
A NEW SPOOF, a story with enough stupid
stuff in it to at least get a chuckle from
some people, somewhere.
So anyhow, pursued by the Empire´s stupid,
yet incompetent agents, Princess Leia races
home aboard her spaceshit, er, ship,
custodian of the stolen plans that can provide a
good story and an amazingly convenient plot device…
Scene floats down to empty space. The Tantive IV races into view, followed closely by a Star Destroyer.
Cut Scene to inside the Tantive IV. C-3PO and R2-D2 are coming down the hall. A bunch of guards with funny hats race into the hallway and kneel down pointing their guns at the door.
THREEPIO: I have a bad feeling about this.
ARTOO: Bleep bloopity beep. (Translation: Stop foreshadowing.)
Behind them, the door bursts open and a bunch of stormtroopers run through. In their midst is the tall, dark silhouette of Darth Vader. He emerges from the smoke. The funny-hat patrol look at each other, shift their weight nervously, and start shooting. Within 30 seconds they, and pretty much all of the stormtroopers, are dead. Threepio and Artoo run down a side hall as Vader and his shock troops pass.
Cut scene to a side hall. Threepio is running down it looking for Artoo.
Cut scene to another hall. Princess Leia is leaning over Artoo. Her hair is done up in her famous cinabun do.
CROW: Hey, look, the hair is hereditary.
MIKE NELSON: I suddenly have the strangest craving for cinnamon buns…
There are several violinists and such standing behind her playing the ever-so-sappy “Princess Leia´s Theme.” Suddenly there is a noise and Leia runs off. The orchestra runs off after her, still playing. Threepio wanders in.
THREEPIO: Artoo, we´re under attack! We have to get out of here.
ARTOO: Bloop blip bleep. (Ladies and gentlemen, the Ric Olie of the original trilogy!)
THREEPIO: Shut up.
Artoo and Threepio run down the hallway and climb into an escape pod. As the door shuts, Dark Helmet, Colonel Sanders, and President Screw run into the door and simultaneously fall over.
Cut Scene back to the hallway. Princess Leia is hiding behind a wall support. The orchestra is still playing sappy music. A bunch of stormtroopers run down the side hallway, and one of them stops.
TJ-387: Commander, listen!
The commander stops. Keep playing sappy music.
TJ-387: It´s coming from this hallway!
COMMANDER: Good work.
The trooper squad runs down the hallway, phasers drawn.
COMMANDER: Lord Vader wants all prisoners alive! Set phasers to “stun!”
Leia leaps out from behind the beam and starts shooting the stormtroopers, but is hit by one extremely lucky shot. Don´t expect any stormtrooper to hit anything for the rest of the trilogy. The orchestra follows her off, still playing despite the phasers in their backs.
Cut scene to the bridge. Darth Vader is holding up Wedge Antilles by the neck.
VADER: What have you done with those plans?!
Wedge shoots a confused look around the room. One of the stormtroopers taps Vader on the shoulder.
STORMTROOPER: Lord Vader, you, ah, have the wrong Antilles.
VADER: Huh? Well, ah… Yes, I know! Ha. Ha ha ha!
All the stormtroopers look at each other and they start to laugh stiffly. A squadron of stormtroopers drags in Senator Bail Antilles in, takes Wedge down, and lifts Bail into Vader´s fist.
VADER: What have you done with those plans?
BAIL: What?
The stormtrooper steps forward.
STORMTROOPER: Ah, sir, that´s SENATOR Antilles.
VADER: Huh? Well, shit, how many Antilleses can they possibly fit in one movie?
STORMTROOPER: You´d be surprised, sir.
Another squadron of stormtroopers drags Captain Antilles into the room, take Wedge down, and lift Captain Antilles into Vader´s fist. They drag Wedge out.
VADER: What have YOU done with those plans?!
ANTILLES: We intercepted no transmission! We´re on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan!
VADER: Than what are you doing on the outer rim?!
ANTILLES: Uh…er…
Vader crunches his neck, making a really sick squishy sound. Another stormtrooper squadron drags Princess Leia, her orchestra in tow, into the room.
VADER: Silence!
The orchestra stops.
VADER: Ah, Princess Leia. I should have known it was you. I smelled your foul hairspray when I blasted my way on board.
LEIA: We´re on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan! When the senate hears about this…
VADER: Don´t worry about the senate. They will be taken care of shortly…
Right now, you will tell us what you have done with those plans!
LEIA: I will never tell!
VADER: We have ways of making you talk… Commander! Search the ship´s main computer!
The stormtroopers drag Leia and the orchestra out, and Vader and the others walk away.
Cut scene to the middle of the desert. Threepio and Artoo´s escape pod crashes into view and slides to a halt in the sand. The 2 droids step out. Cue the theme song from Dune.
THREEPIO: Artoo! Do you hear that?
ARTOO: Blippity blip blop. (Yeah…this place doesn´t SOUND like Tatooine…)
Threepio trips over something in the sand. He gets back up and scraps some sand away to reveal the fallen sign he seems to have tripped over.
THREEPIO: (Picks the sign up) Welcome…to… Arrakis? Artoo, you fool, you´ve landed us in the wrong movie! I knew I shouldn´t have let you drive! Well come on, you stupid piece of tin! We´re just going to have to try again, aren´t we?!
They climb back into the pod and take off again.
Cut scene to the desert planet of Tatooine. The escape pod once again crashes into the ground and slides to a stop. Threepio and Artoo climb out and begin to trudge away.
THREEPIO: Ugh. We seem to be made to suffer. It´s our lot in life.
ARTOO: Blip bloop blop. (Stop whining.)
Cut to scene of them walking along, with other scenes of them walking along superimposed over each other.
THREEPIO: Are we there yet?
Cut scene to the Tantive IV. (BTW, what exactly does “Tantive” mean?)
COMMANDER: Lord Vader, we could not find the plans in the main computer. We booted it up and it immediately crashed. It seems to be outfitted with Microsoft Windows 95q.
VADER: Dammit. I want you to capture Bill Gates. He will suffer for this.
COMMANDER: (A little too happily) Yes, sir!
Cut scene back to the desert. Threepio and Artoo are still walking along.
THREEPIO: Look! Over there!
There is something glinting up on the next sand dune.
THREEPIO: A transport! (He waves his hands in the air) OVER HERE!
Cut scene to inside the Jawa sandcrawler. Threepio and Artoo are sitting dejectedly in the corner.
ARTOO: Bloppity bleep bleep bloop. (Another fine mess you´ve gotten us into, moron.)
The sandcrawler jolts to a stop and the door opens. The Jawas start herding the droids out into a row in front of a shack. There is a landspeeder propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard. An angry looking man comes up to them and inspects each droid. A blonde-haired kid runs up behind him.
THREEPIO: (looks at Luke and turns to Artoo) I have a bad feeling about this.
ARTOO: Blop blip bloop bloop. (Why do I get the sense we´ve picked up another pathetic life-form?)
LUKE: Uncle Owen! Uncle Owen! Aunt Beru wants you to get a droid that speaks Bocce!
Owen looks at one of the droids, a small red astromech.
OWEN: I´ll take this one.
He walks down the rest of the row to Threepio.
OWEN: Do you speak Bocce?
THREEPIO: Yes sir, it´s like a second language to me, in fact…
OWEN: Do you understand the binary language of moisture vaporators?
THREEPIO: My first job was programming binary loadlifters, very similar to your vaporators in most respects.
OWEN: I´ll take this one, too. Luke, I want you to take these two into the garage and get them cleaned up.
LUKE: But I was going into Toschi Station to pick up some power converteeeers!
OWEN: You can waste time with your friends later.
LUKE: But Uncle Owen!
Luke starts whining and screaming and throwing a hissy fit like a 2-year old. Owen rolls his eyes and forks out some money for a waiting Jawa. He then picks up Luke by the collar and starts dragging him back to the house, droids in tow. Suddenly the red astromech´s top blows off. Owen turns back to the Jawa.
OWEN: Hey, what are you trying to pull?
JAWA: Ootini!
OWEN: Ootini my ass, you little…
Owen kicks the Jawa into the air, then starts pounding the crap out of it. The Jawa ends up lying on the ground half-dead. (The guy shares a gene pool with Obi-Wan, what can I say?) He turns to the other frightened-looking Jawas.
OWEN: I´ll take this blue one instead.
They walk back to the house. Cut scene to the garage. Luke is sitting on a box trying to clean Artoo, and Threepio is in an oil bath.
LUKE: Well, my little friend, looks like you have something jammed in here real good.
Suddenly something pops off Artoo and flies across the room, hitting Threepio in the head.
LUKE: Uhh, well, hope that wasn´t too important there… heh…
He goes on cleaning and suddenly a tiny hologram appears on the table. It´s Princess Leia.
LEIA: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you´re my only hope. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you´re my only hope. Help me…
Artoo swivels his motion detector at Luke, who is staring at the hologram and drooling. Artoo beeps at him.
LUKE: Huh? Oh, uh, hehe…
Artoo beeps at him a few more times in a sarcastic tone.
LUKE: It looks like there´s more to this message. Play back the whole thing.
ARTOO: Bleepity bloop blip bleep! (No!)
Luke´s face starts to redden and his eyes tear up.
LUKE: I wanna hear the whole message! I wanna hear the WHOLE MESSAGE!
ARTOO: Bleepity bloop blip bleep!
Luke throws himself on the floor and starts kicking and pounding at it.
LUKE: I WANNA HEAR THE WHOLE MESSAGE! I WANNA HEAR THE WHOLE…
BERU: Luuuke! Diiiiner!
LUKE: I don´t WANNA eat dinner!
BERU: Luke, GET IN HERE NOW!
LUKE: I don´t wanna!
BERU: Either get in here, or you get a TIME OUT!
Luke gets up and storms off, stomping his feet as hard as he can the whole way there. Artoo starts to wheel himself out the door.
THREEPIO: Where do you think you´re going?
ARTOO: Blippity bleep bleep blipit! (I´m getting outta here! I´m not spending three movies with that guy if I can help it!)
Cut scene to the dining room. Luke sits down heavily in his chair and crosses his arms.
OWEN: Luke, I want you to have those droids cleaned up in time for the harvest.
LUKE: But Uncle OWEN, I wanna go to the Academy this year!
OWEN: I´m not paying 20,000 credits a year for you to go off and learn how to miss the broad side of a barn!
LUKE: But I wanna I wanna I wanna!
OWEN: No!
Luke knocks his chair over and storms out.
Cut scene to the garage. Luke comes back in and gets out his droid caller, but only Threepio appears.
THREEPIO: I tried to stop him! OK, I didn´t but please don´t hurt me!
LUKE: Aw, shit. Let´s go look for him. He couldn´t have gone far.
Luke and Threepio run out and Luke pulls out a pair of binoculars and starts to scan the horizon for Artoo. He is nowhere in sight.
LUKE: Or, by some twist of a plot device, maybe he could. Well we can´t go look for him now.
Cut scene to the next morning. Luke and Threepio are racing along in a beat-up old speeder through Beggar´s Canyon. They finally catch up with Artoo.
LUKE: Where the hell do you think you´re going?
ARTOO: Bleepity bloop blip bloppity blop.
LUKE: (Turns to Threepio) What´d he say?
THREEPIO: I´m afraid, sir, that none of those words are in my vocabulary.
Suddenly there is a sound from off-camera.
LUKE: What was that? We´d better go check it out.
Luke pulls a shotgun out of his speeder and runs up the ridge. He gets down and is looking through a pair of binoculars down the other side.
LUKE: Well I don´t see any Tusken Raiders down there but… WHOA!
Cut scene to the view through the binoculars. There is a house down the other side and a girl is getting dressed in the window.
ME: What the… HEY!
Luke is drooling all over himself as I run in and hit him over the head with a copy of the script a couple of times.
STAGEHAND: Uhh, Ms. Mechi-Kenobi?
ME: (Stops) What?
STAGEHAND: Mr. Hamill´s stunt double just called us. He´s come down with a severe case of Kukabunga fever and won´t be able to make it in today.
ME: Is that all? (Turns to Luke.) Mark, you´re on your own. Sorry.
The blood drains from Luke´s face as an angry mob of Tusken Raiders leaps over the ridge and tackles him.
Cut scene back to Beggar´s Canyon. A few (rather bloody) Tusken Raiders drag (a rather bloody) Luke in (thumping his head on rocks and such every couple of feet) and drop him on the ground. His head hits with a rather sickening (yet strangely satisfactory) thud and he groans. There is a sound from off-camera and the Tusken Raiders run off. A mysterious figure appears from over a hill and walks up to Luke.
ARTOO: Blippity bloop bloop bleep! (For Zarquon´s sake, it´s a Giant Jawa!)
Artoo beeps a couple of times from his hiding place and the figure turns and pulls back it´s hood revealing the face of a young Obi-Wan Kenobi. Girls, once again, start your drooling. Artoo emerges from his hiding spot and Luke groans and wakes up.
OBI-WAN: Hey, what´s the spawn of Satan doing out here in the middle of the desert?
LUKE: (deliriously) Ben? Ben Kenobi? Wait a minute, you´re not Old Ben!
I raise my hand.
ME: Sorry, my idea.
LUKE: Figures.
ME: Shut up. And keep going.
LUKE: Are you Ben Kenobi?
OBI-WAN: Yeah.
LUKE: Boy, am I glad to see you!
OBI-WAN: It isn´t mutual.
LUKE: What?
OBI-WAN: Same here.
LUKE: Oh.
OBI-WAN: So what brings you all the way out here anyway?
LUKE: This droid. It says it´s owned by “Obi-Wan Kenobi.” Is he related to you?
OBI-WAN: He IS me.
LUKE: Really?
OBI-WAN: Didn´t you see Episode I?
There is (yet another) sound from off-camera.
OBI-WAN: We´d better get going. Tusken Raiders scare easily but they´ll soon be back, and in greater numbers.
LUKE: Wait, where´s Threepio?
Threepio is laying in several pieces about 10 yards away. They begin to gather up the pieces, but it´s too late. The Tusken Raiders are back, and in greater numbers. Obi-Wan ignites his saber and Force-jumps at them, slicing them down one by one. This goes on for about 5 minutes. Luke stands there and does nothing. Obi-Wan finishes them off.
OBI-WAN: All right, get in the speeder NOW, dammit.
The climb in and, well, speed off.
Cut scene to Obi-Wan´s hut. Obi-Wan is fiddling with some gadget on Artoo and Luke is trying to fix Threepio.
OBI-WAN: Well one of the message playback components is missing here… Looks like somebody snapped it off…
LUKE: (Grins sheepishly) Oops.
Obi-Wan rolls his eyes and pulls a spare out of a junk drawer. A little hologram once again flickers onto the middle of the table.
NUTE RAYGUN: Dey should be dead by now. Distroy what is left of them! Dey should be dead by now. Distroy what is left of them!
Dey should be dead by now. Distroy what is left of them!
Obi-Wan gives it a weird look and fiddles with a switch. The hologram flickers again and Princess Leia appears. Luke´s drool factory starts up.
LEIA: General Kenobi, years ago you kicked ass in Episode I. Now the plot devices demand that you help us. Inside this R2 unit are plans that are vital to the survival of the Rebellion. You must see that they reach my father on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you´re my only hope.
The message flickers off.
OBI-WAN: Here we go again. Well, Luke, we must start your training, if you are to come with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: Alderaan? Yippee!
OBI-WAN: Aw man, it´s hereditary!
Cut scene to out in the desert. Obi-Wan, Luke, Artoo and Threepio are zooming along in their speeder. They arrive at a stopped Jawa sandcrawler. Slaughtered Jawas are lying all over the place.
LUKE: Uh…uh…gore makes me…queasy.
Luke leans out the side of the speeder and blows it. Obi-Wan closes his eyes and counts to ten for sake of his own sanity. Luke finishes and they climb out.
LUKE: Looks like Tusken Raiders did it.
OBI-WAN: No… I really can´t think of anybody who could have done it.
A couple of stormtroopers run out of the sandcrawler, look around, and run out of the shot. Obi-Wan looks at them and gives an annoyed glance at the camera.
OBI-WAN: We´re supposed to believe that those sharpshooters hit these blast marks?
ME: For plot´s sake, just go along with it!
LUKE: These are the same Jawa-a-aggghhh! (Puke)… …that sold us Artoo and Threepio. And if the Empire tracked them here, that would lead them… home!
Luke runs and attempts to jump over the side of the speeder, but fails miserably, slipping on the cushion and falling on his face. Obi-Wan snickers.
Cut scene to Luke speeding alone through the desert. He arrives back at his homestead to find the smoking remains of his aunt and uncle on the ground.
LUKE: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Owen and Beru emerge from the side of the house.
BERU: Oh, Luke, you´re back. We were just cleaning out the garage and found these old Halloween props.
Luke faints. George Clooney as Dr. Ross and a few others from the “ER” medical team run in with a couple of electroshock pads.
DR. ROSS: CLEAR!
Thud!
ROSS: CLEAR!
Thud! Luke groans, wakes up, and looks around.
LUKE: I had the strangest dream! You were there! And you, and you!
Cut scene back to the desert. Luke is speeding along the other way. He arrives back at the sandcrawler. Obi-Wan and the droids are piling Jawas onto a bonfire.
LUKE: What in the world are you guys doing?
OBI-WAN: Lunch.
Luke keels over and hurls again. Obi-Wan snickers.
Cut scene to the Death Star. Leia is sitting alone in her cell. The door opens and Darth Vader enters. He is followed by several stormtroopers.
VADER: And now, Princess, you will tell us the location of your secret rebel base.
LEIA: If I went around telling just any Dark Lord of the Sith, it wouldn´t be secret anymore, would it?
VADER: Well, no, not a such, but… Ohh, no! Don´t you try any of your “princess logic” on me!
Vader gives the signal and one of the stormtroopers dives at the princess and begins tickling her ferociously in the stomach. She goes into fits of laughter.
VADER: WHERE IS THE REBEL BASE?!
LEIA: I will NEVER tell!
The stormtrooper continues tickling her.
Cut scene back to the desert. Luke, Obi-Wan, Threepio and Artoo are speeding along in their…speeder. They arrive at a cliff overlooking Mos Eisley and climb out.
OBI-WAN: Mos Eisley. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. So watch your arse kid, I can´t be bothered to do it for you.
Cut scene to the Mos Eisley Cantina. Obi-Wan, Luke, and the two droids walk in. An alarm goes off as they do.
WUHER: Hey! We don´t serve their kind here! The kid! He´ll have to wait outside!
They turn and look at the detector on the wall.
OBI-WAN: “Acme Brat Detector?”
Obi-Wan rolls his eyes and motions for Luke to follow him.
Luke walks up to the bar as Obi-Wan goes off to find a pilot. There is a guy sitting next to him with a glazed look in his eyes bumbling to some other drunk guy about the physics of the Heart of Gold. Luke looks at him, looks at his script, and shrugs. He taps Wuher on the shoulder.
LUKE: I´ll ah… (points to the drunk guy) have what… he´s having.
WUHER: No, kid, you do NOT want a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
LUKE: Dammit, I´LL decide what I want and what I don´t! Or rather the script will, but…
Wuher shrugs and hands him the drink. Luke downs it and orders another. And another. And…
OBI-WAN: Luke! I think we´ve found a pilot! Come on.
LUKE: Just drink more please, one!
Obi-Wan grabs Luke by the neck as Luke grabs his drink and drunkenly follows after him. They sit down at a table.
HARRISON FORD: (In Indiana Jones getup) Indiana Jones, archeologist. So, Chewie here tells me you have some holy relics that need to be found.
LUKE: Yeah, dat´s it! (Hiccup).
Obi-Wan whacks him on the back of the head.
OBI-WAN: No.
INDIANA: No?
OBI-WAN: We need a pilot.
INDIANA: Oh.
Indiana takes off his leather jacket and fedora and puts on a black vest.
HAN: Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you´re looking for a pilot.
OBI-WAN: Uh, yeah. We need to get to the Alderaan system.
HAN: What´s the cargo?
OBI-WAN: Me, the drunk kid over there harassing the band…
Luke grins from across the room in the middle of a failed attempt to follow along with Figrin D´an and the modal nodes on a kazoo.
OBI-WAN: …2 droids, and no questions asked.
Han grins.
HAN: You got yourselves a ship. Be in docking bay 34. Ready when you are.
Obi-Wan gets up and walks over to where Luke is engaged in argument with a stormtrooper.
LUKE: Honestly, ociffer, I´m not as think as you drunk I am!
Obi-Wan grabs Luke by the back of the neck and drags him out.
Cut scene to the docking bay. Luke and Obi-Wan walk in with the 2 droids.
LUKE: What a piece of junk!
HAN: I suppose you can do better?
LUKE: No, not as such, but…
Suddenly blaster fire erupts from behind them. Luke gets on the ground and cries for his mommy, Obi-Wan ignites his saber, and Han starts to fire back. They make their way toward the ship and board it. They take off.
Cut scene to the Death Star bridge. Princess Leia is dragged in.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Princess Leia, glad you could join us.
LEIA: Grand Moff Tarkin, I should have known I´d find you holding Vader´s leash. I smelled your foul stench when I was brought on board.
VADER: Princess Leia, you will be our special guest at a ceremony that will make this battlestation fully operational.
As soon as Leia turns to hear Vader, Tarkin sticks his tongue out at her and wiggles his fingers in his ears.
VADER: In a way, you have chosen the first target for our battlestation´s new super-destructive, super-expensive, super-laser. Since you will not tell us the location of your hidden rebel base, we will test this station´s destructive power on your home world of Alderaan.
LEIA: No! Alderaan is peaceful, we have no weapons!
VADER: Exactly.
LEIA: Please?
VADER: No.
LEIA: Pretty please?
VADER: No.
LEIA: Pretty please with sugar on top?
VADER: OK, call off the attack.
Leia starts breathing again.
VADER: Gotcha!
(Intercut footage from “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.”
FRAU FORBISSIMA: Fire the LASER!
LEIA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Alderaan explodes in a shower of pretty colors.
BRIDGE CREW: Oooooooooooo…
Cut scene to the Millennium Falcon´s cockpit. The come out of hyperspace in the middle of a meteor shower.
HAN: What the…?
LUKE: What? Where´s Alderaan?!
HAN: It isn´t here, kid! We´ll have to land on that small moon up ahead.
OBI-WAN: That´s no moon! That´s a spacestation!
HAN: It´s too big to be a spacestation.
OBI-WAN: No it isn´t. (Holds up a copy of the script.)
HAN: What´s that?
OBI-WAN: A script.
HAN: Ooooohhhhhh…
He takes it and begins to flip through it, his eyes widening and the blood draining from his face every so often. Suddenly there is a jolt and Han looks up.
HAN: Uh-oh.
LUKE: What?
HAN: We´re caught in the tractor beam…
Cut scene to the main Death Star hangar bay. A bunch of stormtroopers drag a heavy box up the ramp of the Falcon. There are several muffled thuds and 2 stormtroopers walk back out. They walk up to Vader.
TK-421: There was no one aboard, and the escape pods have been jettisoned.
Vader nods.
VADER: I still feel a presence I have not felt sinccce….
TK-421: Wait a tick, James Earl Jones?! Oh man I´ve seen The Lion King like a million times! Can I have your autograph?
VADER: No. Now leave before I crush your puny windpipe!
TK-421: Then I can tell all my friends that James Earl Jones crushed my windpipe!
VADER: Not if you're lying in a heap on the floor.
TK-421: Well if you put it that way… bye!
They run off. The rest of the Imperials exit.
Cut scene to a small computer database room. Everyone enters and Luke begins to hack into the central system with Artoo. Han sits down and Obi-Wan heads for the door.
LUKE: Wait a second, where are you going?
OBI-WAN: If you wanna get outta here it looks like it´s up to me to make sure you can. I gotta go disable the tractor beam or die or something…
Obi-Wan shakes his head and exits. Artoo starts beeping frantically.
LUKE: She´s here!
HAN: Who?
LUKE: The princess!
HAN: Princess?
LUKE: Yeah!
HAN: So?
A stormtrooper on his way to get some coffee strolls in and Han pulls his blaster, shoots him, and goes on talking.
LUKE: So we gotta go rescue her!
HAN: What?
LUKE: Come on!
HAN: No way!
LUKE: They´re gonna kill her!
HAN: Better her than me!
LUKE: But Haaaan!
Luke´s face gets all red and he starts screaming and whining. He throws himself on the floor and kicks it repeatedly. Han rolls his eyes and swears under his breath.
HAN: All RIGHT, let´s GO.
LUKE: Yippee!
HAN: How exactly are we supposed to get INTO the detention area?
_ _
Let me take a minute here to discuss the term “detention area.” Leia is on death row for betraying her government and joining a band of insurgents, not spending 20 minutes after math class for throwing an eraser. There is a difference between being a political prisoner and going to the principal´s office. She does not, in fact, have a detention. I hope this clears things up a bit.
LUKE: Well…here, I just happen to have some handcuffs on me…
He walks up to Chewie and attempts to put them on him. Chewie roars and kicks Luke where it hurts.
LUKE: (In a high, squeaky voice, holding out the handcuffs) OK, (gasp), Han, you put these on him…
Han reaches out and puts the handcuffs on Chewie. They put their helmets on and walk out.
Cut scene to the corridor. Luke and Han are leading Chewie down it.
LUKE: I can´t see a thing in this helmet!
They arrive at an elevator. Han and Chewie step on and Luke runs into the wall directly to the right of the door.
Cut scene to the Death Star “Detention Area.” Han and Chewie step off an elevator. Luke runs into the door again, falls over, and gets back up. The only inhabitants of the room are a couple of stormtroopers who are sitting around a card table playing poker. Han pulls out his gun and shoots them before they can say anything, which is a pity because knowing stormtroopers and their shooting abilities, they really didn´t pose much of a threat at all and would most likely have gone happily on with their poker game anyway. Han runs up to the computer console, leaps over it, and starts searching the computer database. Luke attempts the same, trips over the console, and falls flat on his face.
HAN: Got her! She´s in cell number 47-A.
Luke runs down the hall looking for the cell. A phone rings and Han picks it up.
HAN: Hello? What? No, of course that wasn´t shooting you heard. No, I am not one of the good guys. What do you mean it says I am in the script? Of course not, the script must be mistaken. No, no, I assure you. What? No, don´t send a squad up! Huh? Pretty please? With sugar on top? (Flips the com off) Luke, we´re gonna have company!
LUKE: Aw, Han, now you made me lose count!
Luke eventually finds the cell and attempts to heroically run through the door, but fails and trips on the step.
LEIA: Aren´t you a little stupid for a stormtrooper?
LUKE: Huh?
LEIA: Nothing.
Luke gets the helmet off and looks at the princess. He starts drooling again. Leia shoots him a look that screams “you touch me and you get a fist in your face.”
LUKE: Ah, hi, I´m Sky Lukewalker and I´m here to hit on you! Er, I mean, ah, wait…
Leia gets up and walks out. Han and Chewie are fending off some stormtroopers but can´t figure a way out. (Leia´s orchestra is in the background) After engaging in argument for a minute with Han, Leia blasts open a garbage chute and jumps in. The rest follow her; Luke hits his head on the way in.
Cut scene to the garbage chute. They land in the garbage with a not very pleasant “squish.” They stand up.
HAN: What a wonderful smell you´ve discovered, princess!
LEIA: Well, hotshot…
Suddenly Luke is pulled under the water by, if you have played “Shadows of the Empire,” a game for N64 which is second only to Zelda64 and that I highly recommend, a dianoga, if you have not, it´s doesn´t matter, we´ll just call it a “thing.”
HAN AND LEIA: Eat him, eat him!
But a couple of seconds later, the thing (dianoga) lets go and swims away.
HAN AND LEIA: Dammit!
Before Luke has a chance to whine, trip, or run into anything, the compactor is activated and the walls start closing in.
EVERYONE: Ah, shit!
LUKE: We´re all gonna die!
HAN: Hey, wait, what´s this button over here?!
LEIA AND LUKE: Where?
HAN: No, just kidding, we are going to die after all.
(Do you sass that Hoopy Han Solo? Now there´s a frood who really knows where his towel is.)
Suddenly, Luke remembers his droids and activates his comlink.
LUKE: Threepio?! Come in Threepio! Threepio, we have a problem!
THREEPIO: Yes, Master Luke?
LUKE: Have Artoo turn off all the garbage compactors on the detention level!
THREEPIO: Are there other people in there with you?
LUKE: Uh, yeah…
THREEPIO: So if I didn´t, they would die too?
LUKE: Uh, yeah…
THREEPIO: Dammit. Artoo, turn off the trash compactors.
The walls stop closing in. The door in the back opens suddenly and Han looks at it.
HAN: Uh, guys, I hate to tell you this, but this door wasn´t locked in the first place.
Cut scene to out in the hall. They all walk in. Though Leia has just dived into a trash compactor, her dress is still perfectly clean. They all run off towards where they suppose the ship might be.
Cut scene back to the hangar bay. They are all standing outside the door hoping that sometime soon the 50 stormtroopers guarding the ship might look away all at once, when they all run off to the other side of the room.
LUKE: Well, that was a lucky break.
Everyone else rolls their eyes and they head for the ship. Just then about half way to the ship they notice that Obi-Wan is fighting Darth Vader.
LUKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
OBI-WAN: Hey, that´s my line!
The stormtroopers all turn around and start blasting at Luke.
Cut scene to over by Obi-Wan and Darth Vader. They throw a few swings at each other before stopping for a minute.
OBI-WAN: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Obi-Wan gives Vader a ratty little smirk, like he knows something Vader doesn´t, and if there is one thing a Sith lord can´t stand, it´s being made an ass of.
OBI-WAN: And you know what else? Darth Maul was MUCH cooler than you´ll ever be! I mean, the guy had cool tattoos, a double-bladed lightsaber, and put up a MUCH better fight than you ever could. I mean, compared to him, you´re a friggin ewok!
Vader lowers his head, scrunches up his shoulders, balls up his fists, and quivers a little bit, giving us all the impression that he´s very, very pissed.
OBI-WAN: Come on, whatcha gonna do, cry about it-ANI?!
That gets the stormtrooper´s attention.
STORMTROOPERS: ANI?! His name is ANI?!
They fall over laughing. Obi-Wan bows to Vader, who by now is really, really pissed. Vader swings, but Obi-Wan just smirks, spreads his arms, and de-ignites his saber. (That last part really unsettles Vader, cause normally if you´re gonna die, you don´t do that.) Obi-Wan disappears as he is hit.
LUKE: Oh, my Force, he killed Kenobi!
HAN: You b@$t@rd!
ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Vader just leans forward, his disbelief evident, and stares at the empty robe and lightsaber lying on the ground. His thoughts are interrupted as a Xena battle-cry is heard from off camera and he is suddenly tackled by an extremely pissed director. We will not go into the gory details because these movies are probably as violent as they need to be.
Cut back to Luke, Han, and Leia. Once they recover from the shock of Obi-Wan´s death and seeing the director spontaneously kick the shit out of their arch-enemy, they run for the ship and take off.
Cut scene to the space directly above Yavin. There is a giant sign floating just in front of the camera reading “Welcome to Yavin. (The Rebels are not here.)”
The Falcon zooms by toward the planet.
Cut scene to the Yavin base. The Falcon has landed (hehe) and Han, Leia, and Luke walk into the scene. A bunch of Rebel officials walk up to them.
GENERAL DUDE: You assholes! What were you thinking coming here with a tracking device on your ship?!
LEIA: Plot devices.
GENERAL DUDE: (sighs) Agh. Well, we´re gonna have to find a weakness and blow it up, in that case, aren´t we?
LEIA: Well, yeah, I suppose…
GENERAL DUDE: All right, I want these plans she got analyzed now!
Cut scene to the briefing room. The rebel pilots are sitting around listening to the General talk about how to blow up the spacestation. He is using a pointer to explain a diagram on the overhead projector.
GENERAL: Thanks to the plans provided by Princess Leia, we have found that…
A shadow puppet appears on the projector screen. It looks like a doggy.
GENERAL: HAWKINS!
Hawkins puts his hand down and everyone snickers.
GENERAL: That´s enough out of you! So anyway, all we have to do is…
WEDGE: Duck and cover!
Another shadow puppet appears in the form of a duck.
GENERAL: ANTILLES! Think you´re funny, eh?!
The pilots all snicker.
GENERAL: Now if we can get a well-placed torpedo to…
A third shadow puppet appears. It´s a birdie.
GENERAL: All right, that´s it, I´m outta here!
The general exits. The pilots all snicker.
Cut scene to the hangar bay. The pilots are all boarding their X-wings. Luke is about to get into his X-wing (who´s idea was it to give LUKE an X-wing anyway?) when a funny-looking guy with a mustache runs up behind him.
BIGGS: Luke! How ya doin´?!
LUKE: Do I know you?
BIGGS: I dunno. Never met you before in my life. Just going by the script.
They both pull out a copy of the script and flip through it.
LUKE: Well, look at that, I guess I do.
BIGGS: Hmm, I don´t remember doing that scene.
LUKE: Me neither.
BIGGS: Well, in that case, good to see you again for the first time, old buddy!
LUKE: You too!
They both climb in their X-wings.
Cut scene to the war room. A bunch of Rebel leaders are standing around a table-thingy.
REBEL 1: All right… F-5.
REBEL 2: Miss.
Princess Leia walks in.
GUY IN THE BACKGROUND: Princess on the bridge…cue sappy music!
The orchestra runs in and starts to play. Everyone glares at him.
Cut scene to the space battle. The X-wings come up on the Death Star, and a bunch of TIE fighters come at them. You know, there really isn´t much to do with this scene. So anyway, they fly around for a while shooting each other for a while. Most of the pilots are shot. There is a brief death scene of Porkins. He is just flying along innocently in his fighter when…
PORKINS: (Looks at the floor) Hey, a hairpin!
Porkins leans over to pick it up, and is hit by a TIE fighter. (In loving memory of Maude Flanders, 1989-2000.)
And so the battle goes on, etcetera, etcetera… Anyway, after a while Luke is getting pretty close to the thermal exhaust port they have to hit. Just then a couple of TIE fighters come up on his ass. He can´t hit them, and there´s no one else left. Just then, they both explode and the Millennium Falcon flies into view behind him. And Luke delivers the coup de grace.
LUKE: Now THIS is podracing!
Everyone on the set rolls their eyes and groans.
Cut scene to inside the Death Star. The bridge is in a frenzy of panicked Imperials. Darth Vader runs by and the camera follows him to the escape pod area. He runs to pod after pod only to be cut off by a stormtrooper or officer who leaps in first. When he gets to the last one, he is almost cut off by Grand Moff Tarkin, but instead grabs him by the collar and punches him in the face. He leaps in the escape pod and takes off.
Cut scene to exterior of the Death Star. The escape pods and (unfortunately) Luke´s ship clear the area just before the Death Star kicks the bucket. There is a giant KABOOM and a very well-done explosion. The audience all goes, “Ooooooooo…”
Cut scene back to the Rebel Base. Luke and Han run into the scene and are greeted by Princess Leia.
LUKE: Carrie!
Leia runs up and hugs… passes up Luke and hugs Han. Han gives Luke a mocking grin. Luke´s face turns unbelievably red.
Cut scene to the Yavin Temple Throne Room. Luke and Han and Chewie walk in. They march down the aisle, blahdy blahdy blah… So finally they get to the end of the aisle, and walk up the stairs. Princess Leia ceremoniously places a medal around the neck of Han and Luke. Chewie roars.
LEIA: What´s his problem?
HAN: He wants to know why he didn´t get a medal.
LEIA: Uh, well…
Chewie roars again and lunges for Leia, who screams, throws her arms in the air, and runs for it. Her orchestra follows. Luke and Han shrug, turn around, and bow as Chewie chases Leia around in the background. A red flashing “Applause” sign goes on above their heads, and the rest of the Rebels start to clap. Just then, Chewie chases Leia into the foreground and knocks over the camera. As it falls, Han can be seen to slap Luke on the back. Luke falls down the stairs, the music squeaks and stops as if somebody dropped a brick on the record player, and the film goes black and melts. Roll credits. Cue “We Are the Champions” by Queen. (Soundtrack available on Modal Nodes Records, Inc.)