It is a Dark Time for the Rebellion.
Although the Death Star has been destroyed,
it doesn´t mean they´re badasses yet, and
Imperial forces have driven them from
their (not-so-) hidden (-anymore-is-it?) base.
Evading (running like weenies from)
the dreaded Imperial Starfleet,
a group of freedom fighters led by Luke
Skywalker (who the hell put him in charge?)
has established a new secret base on the
remote ice world of Hoth. The Rebel base location
planning committee is scheduled for execution.
The asthmatic lord Darth Vader, obsessed
with finding young Skywalker, has dispatched
thousands of remote probes into the far reaches
of space. More importantly, I have a million
dollar reward up for Darth Vader´s head-
I´m positive I did NOT put Obi-Wan´s
death in the script for Episode IV....
If you can still read this, you don´t need glasses....
Scene drifts down to the icy planet of Hoth. Cut scene to the surface of the planet. Luke rides in on a tauntaun. Let me take a minute here to discuss the subject of tauntauns.
Tauntauns are often described as “ice lizards.” I don´t get this. If you are an ameba swimming along in primordial soup, and it´s time to evolve, and all your friends are going to go off and evolve into giant, bloodthirsty monsters, you don´t go off and evolve into a giant lizard! First off, you´ll be eaten by your old buddies from the primordial soup, and second off, it´s COLD! HELLO! Lizards are cold blooded! That does NOT mean they LIKE the cold, it means that if IT´S cold, you´re gonna BE cold! I mean, really, how stupid can an ameba get? It doesn´t take much cerebrum to figure that out, Einstein! Sheesh! Well, I´ve finished my ranting and raving for now. Let´s get on with the movie.
So Luke rides in on a tauntaun. He stops and pulls out a communicator.
LUKE: Luke to Enterprise, Luke to Enterprise, come in Enterprise.
HAN: Luke, that´s enough! No more watching old “Star Trek” reruns for you!
LUKE: Spock, I´m going…to check out…an asteroid…that hit the ground near…here.
HAN: Luke, I´m not Spock, and if you´d quit with the Kirk impression, we could keep this movie the intended length.
LUKE: Luke…out.
Han sighs, turns around, and heads back to base. Luke speeds off on his tauntaun. After a few minutes he stops and looks around. Suddenly his tauntaun makes a funny tauntaun noise.
LUKE: What is it girl?
The tauntaun makes another funny noise. Suddenly a roar is heard behind Luke and he is whacked in the face by a giant hairy hand puppet.
Cut scene to the Rebel Base. Han rides in on his tauntaun and leaps down. He walks into the command center. Princess Leia is there. Cue orchestra. The rest of the bridge crew roll their eyes, and go back to what they were doing. Han walks up to Commander Rieekan.
HAN: Commander, I finished my rounds, so I´m getting my ass outta here.
COMMANDER: Oh. Well, see ya.
HAN: See ya.
Han starts walking away, but stops to talk to Leia. The orchestra, which is still standing behind her, stops playing her theme song and switches to some sappy love song. Leia and Han shoot them a nasty look and they stop playing.
HAN: Well, Princess, I guess this is goodbye.
LEIA: Yeah.
HAN: Well, see ya.
Han walks out and Leia runs after him. The orchestra follows.
LEIA: Han, I thought you decided to stay.
HAN: Well, that bounty hunter we ran into on Ord Mandell changed my mind.
LEIA: Who was that?
HAN: Dunno. Just reading the script.
LEIA: Script?
HAN: Yeah, that Obi-Wan guy gave me one in the last episode. It´s really pretty useful.
Han pulls out a copy of the script and Leia starts to flip through the pages.
LEIA: Oooooooooo…
HAN: Well, glad I could be of use. See ya.
Leia nods, still staring in awe at the script.
Cut scene to the hangar. Han walks in. He walks up to the deck officer.
HAN: Has Commander Skywalker reported in yet?
DECK OFFICER: You mean the looney toon that thinks he´s Captain Kirk?
Han rubs the bridge of his nose and sighs.
HAN: Yeah, that´s him.
DECK OFFICER: No, haven´t seen him.
HAN: Well whadda ya know. Our whining protagonist needs saving again, and looks like I´m once again the one who needs to do it. I wish I had my script with me.
DECK OFFICER: Script?
HAN: Yeah, it´s this book that has all the things that are gonna happen to us in it. I gave a copy to Princess Leia, I´m sure she´d let you look at it.
DECK OFFICER: Sweet.
The deck officer runs off to find Leia.
Cut scene to the wampa´s cave. Luke is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The wampa is heard roaring in the background, and Luke wakes up and looks around.
LUKE: Aaaaw, shit… this is nooot good… this is worse to the time I got my tongue stuck to that speeder on that bet…
He notices his lightsaber stuck in the snow nearby and reaches out with the Force in an attempt to grab it. This goes on for about 30 seconds, but he still can´t get it. A exasperated-looking stagehand walks on, sighs, and hands it to him.
LUKE: Thanks.
Luke ignites his lightsaber and cuts himself down just as the wampa walks in and roars.
LUKE: Ahh!
Luke wets his pants. He looks down and the color drains from his face. The wampa makes a sound equivalent to a laugh. Luke slits his eyes at him, swings his saber, and the wampa is one limb short. He runs out of the cave.
Cut scene to outside the cave. Luke stumbles through the snow, and falls down. He doesn´t get back up. Suddenly a blue, transparent figure materializes in front of him. Luke looks up.
OBI-WAN: Luke! What do you think you´re doing?! (Gestures toward the camera) We don´t have a theater full of people out there paying 5 bucks to see you sit on your arse in the snow! Get up!
LUKE: I´m coooold!
OBI-WAN: Yeah, well I´m DEAD! So stop complaining about YOUR problems and get up! Do something useful! Go see Yoda!
LUKE: Yoda?
OBI-WAN: Yes, Yoda!
Obi-Wan throws him an extra copy of the script (which just happens to hit him in the head), rolls his eyes, and walks away muttering to himself.
OBI-WAN: Good-for-nothing whiner. If that kid´s the last hope for the galaxy, we´re all in a lot of trouble. Why couldn´t that Solo guy be the Force-sensitive one? It HAD to be the Skywalker kid…
Suddenly Han comes riding up on a tauntaun.
HAN: Yeah, I get frozen and I come back for another sequel. This kid is a little chilly and he sits on his ass whining at dead people and waiting for someone to rescue him.
Han climbs off his tauntaun grumbling to himself and the tauntaun falls over and dies. Han looks back at it and grumbles to himself some more. He grabs Luke´s lightsaber and slices open the tauntaun.
HAN: Oh, that´s NASTY!
Han drags Luke over to the tauntaun and shoves him inside. Luke is deliriously babbling on in his sleep.
LUKE: Beeen… Yoda… Dagobah… I see dead people…
Cut scene to the next morning. A bunch of speeders are racing along low above the ground. One of them flies over a ridge and spots Han and Luke.
WEDGE: Echo Base, I´ve found them, repeat, I´ve found them.
Cut scene back to Echo Base. Luke is in a bacta tank wearing a diaper. (?) Han walks in, looks at Luke, and turns to Leia.
HAN: I hope they´re not making an action figure for this scene.
Leia nods. Just then Luke wakes up, looks around, and swims up toward the top of the tank.
Cut scene to the sick bay. Luke is sitting on a cot in a robe. Han and Leia walk in.
LUKE: (deliriously, to Han) Dr. McCoy? (Turns to Leia) Nurse Chapel?
Han and Leia look at each other and roll their eyes.
HAN: Luke, this is not Star Trek. This is Star Wars.
LEIA: We´re Han and Leia.
LUKE: Yeah, right.
Han and Leia stare at him.
LUKE: No, no, no, don´t try any of your cow hypnosis on me!
Han and Leia look at each other again.
HAN: All right, no more South Park either. In fact, no more watching TV with the director at all.
Luke sticks out his tongue at them. Han and Leia sigh and walk out.
Cut scene to the control room, Echo Base. Han and Leia walk in and approach a sound station. As they arrive, an audio clip starts up. It´s some kind of messed up mumbo-jumbo.
LEIA: What is it?
HAN: Sounds like some kind of code.
LEIA: Yeah.
The woman operating the machine pauses and takes out a CD from the console.
OPERATOR: No wait, the CD just has some dust on it.
She rubs it with her sleeve and puts it back in.
AUDIO SAMPLE: Attention Empire. The Rebels are on Hoth. Come immediately.
Han and Leia look at each other. Leia turns to Commander Rieekan.
LEIA: Alert all troops. Prepare for battle.
Cut scene to the bridge of the Executor. Darth Vader strolls onto the bridge. He walks up to Admiral Ozzel.
VADER: You´ve found something, Admiral?
OZZEL: No, sir, it´s probably nothing.
VADER: No, Admiral, that´s it. The Rebels are there.
Just then the PA comes on.
PA: Attention all Executor personnel. Lord Vader is an asthmatic walking kitchen appliance. Thank you.
VADER: Damn stormtroopers!
The bridge crew starts to snicker and Vader storms off the bridge.
Cut scene to outside Echo Base. The Rebel troops are setting up big guns, etc. Suddenly there is a rumbling sound and some large, bulky shapes lumber over the horizon.
SOME OFFICER: Prepare the guns for ground assault!
The other soldiers break into action.
Cut scene to inside the base hangar. A bunch of the pilots are running for their ships. Luke runs up the ladder to his and tries to leap into the cockpit, but his foot gets caught on the side and he flips over the cockpit and makes a satisfying crunching sound as he hits the ground on the other side.
Cut scene back to outside. The AT-AT´s are still not very close and the Rebel troops are standing there shifting their weight and whistling to themselves as they wait for the bad guys to get within firing range. The speeders all fly out of the hangar and make for the walkers. The first shot is taken by a speeder. One of the AT-AT´s is hit… with a snowball.
Cut scene to inside the AT-AT. General Veers´ jaw drops.
VEERS: So THAT´S the way they want to play, is it? Return fire! And dispatch ground troops!
Cut scene back to the battle. The battle is going full swing now, engaged in the biggest snowball fight in galactic recorded history. There´s snow flying all over the place. A few of the Rebel troops are standing near a snowman they had built earlier that day, which is suddenly hit with a snowball, knocking it´s head off. The troops look at the snowman, look at the stormtroopers that threw the coup de grace, and scrunch up their faces in looks of pure hatred. They break into an inhuman battle cry as they charge the troops, leaping over the edge of the trench, and tackling the stormtroopers. Meanwhile, the speeders are busy trying to tie up the AT-AT´s.
Cut scene to inside the base. Princess Leia is still sitting in the control room looking over people´s shoulders and sounding official. Her orchestra has already left. The PA system comes on.
PA: Imperial troops have entered the base, Imperial troops have… hey, wait a minute!
There is a rustle of papers and the sound of a chair being knocked over followed by mad footsteps and then static and the PA goes dead. The operators sitting at the computer consoles look at each other and make a mad dash for the door. Leia looks at them and a frustrated look crosses her face. Han runs in through a bunch of falling chunks of snow. He grabs the Princess.
HAN: Don´t just stand there like an idiot! Let´s get going!
He pulls her out the door by the arm.
Cut scene to the battle outside. It´s still going full power. Both sides have grown tired of packing snowballs and have resorted to kicking, biting, and pulling hair. A polar bear in a scarf rumbles across the foreground with a bottle of Coke in its hand. The director sits there toying with the idea of a cameo by the South Park boys here, but decides to save it.
Cut scene to inside the base. The camera follows Han and Leia as they come charging down a hallway, Threepio in tow. Suddenly a big pile of snow inconveniently comes crashing from the ceiling. Impeccable timing, don´t you think? Han pulls out a comlink.
HAN: Transport, this is Solo. I was gonna try and get the Princess to you, but this big pile of snow blocking the hallway seems to have other plans. I´ll get her out on the Falcon.
They glare at the snow for a second before turning around, heading down a few more hallways, and reaching the Falcon. The run up the boarding ramp and into the cockpit. Han starts up the Falcon, but the engine dies down again. An exasperated look crosses everyone´s faces, but just then the Fonze strolls in and hits the computer console with his fist. The engines start up again.
FONZE: Eeeeyyyyyy! (Gives thumbs up sign)
The Fonze walks back out again and everyone looks at each other. They shrug and Han pulls a lever and the Falcon turns and blasts out of the hangar just as Darth Vader strolls in, surrounded by a squad of stormtroopers.
VADER: Dammit! Foiled again! Being a bad guy sucks!
The stormtroopers suddenly form rows and music is cued from off-camera. (Cue choreography.)
STORMTROOPERS: It´s the hard-knock life for us! It´s the hard-knock life for us! Chances are your ass´ll be kicked, if against the good guys you´re pit! It´s the hard-knock life!
VADER: Shut up!
Cut scene to a snow ridge outside. The battle is over and the Rebel troops are trudging to their X-wings. Luke climbs into his.
LUKE: Artoo…set the…coordinates for…Vulcan…
ARTOO: Bleep blippity blop? (Don´t you mean Dagobah?)
LUKE: Uh…yeah.
Artoo whistles in exasperation as he lowers the hatch and they take off.
Cut scene to the Falcon´s cockpit. Two Star Destroyers come into view directly ahead of them.
HAN: Aw, crap. I think we´re in trouble.
Leia gives him a look smothered in sarcasm. The Falcon goes into a dive, continually narrowly escaping the oncoming Star Destroyers. Several squadrons of TIE fighters are released, and proceed to chase the Falcon around. As expected, something goes wrong with part of the ship that we will not attempt to put a logical function to. Han and Chewie leave the cockpit to fix the ship, expecting that either the ship will fly it´s own arse outta there, or Leia will, out of nowhere, figure out how to work it. Han is in a pit that seems to have mysteriously appeared in the floor crawling around either fixing or making bigger messes out of random pieces of equipment.
HAN: Chewie, bring me a monkey wrench! And a hydro-spanner!
Chewie sets the tools precariously on the edge of the pit and Han reaches for something, hoping that maybe it´ll do some good. The ship jolts suddenly and the tools fall on Han´s head. Chewie laughs.
HAN: CHEWIE! (&^$)%#()*@#_!*#*#$^@(*#^@_rt#($&@^(#*^@(*&#&(@!!!
STAN: Wendy, what´s an (@#&@!^#@*?
The ship rocks back and forth again. Han runs up to the cockpit. Leia leaps out of the pilot´s chair.
HAN: Asteroids?
LEIA: No…well, look for yourself!
Han looks up at the windshield. On it… is a message
“Error #110967432. This starship has performed
an illegal operation and will be shut down.”
Han´s jaw hits the deck. He sits down and slams his head into the dashboard a few times, running through his mind every way he can think of to give Bill Gates a slow, painful death. He suddenly look up.
HAN: Hey, Goldenrod, can you override the system?
THREEPIO: Sir, I take it you have never tried to fix a Microsoft.
HAN: Good point.
Han presses a key, the blue screen disappears, and the starship makes a few not-too-good sounding noises before slowly whirring to a stop and shutting down completely. Han slams his face into the dashboard and Leia slumps into the navigator´s chair.
Cut scene to the bridge of the Executor. Darth Vader and Captain… er… Admiral Piett are standing in front of a big window. The Falcon stops.
PIETT: What are they doing?! Are they MAD?!
VADER: Only mad enough to outfit their ship with Windows98.
Piett grins and turns to one of the low-ranking officers.
PIETT: Activate the tractor beam.
Vader raises his hand.
VADER: No, wait. Cancel that order.
PIETT: Excuse me, sir? You aren´t going to capture them?
VADER: Oh, under any other circumstances, I would by all means. But this is Windows98 we´re dealing with. It just wouldn´t be right. Bill Gates promised us that Windows98 would be better and faster, instead it only crashes more. Every day millions of people are at the mercy of this diabolical software. No…not only would it be unethical, but it would also be sad and cruel to take advantage of this situation. Send over a team of computer programmers. I want that ship up and running and that dogfight going again in 20 minutes. You hear me, Admiral? 20 minutes.
PIETT: Y…yes, sir.
LOWER-RANKING OFFICER: You know… that… that was beautiful, man. (Wipes away a tear.)
Vader struts out and Piett walks away. Cut scene to the Falcon´s cockpit. Han and Leia are sitting in their seats glancing at each other and shooting confused looks at the friendly-looking computer technicians hard at work on various components.
LEIA: Tell me again…where did all these computer programmers come from?
HAN: To my understanding, the Empire sent them over with a note stating their condolences and recommending that we get a… Macintosh.
Leia raises her eyebrows. Suddenly, the ship starts up again and the programmers file out. Han pulls a few levers and the Falcon races off again, headed for the asteroid field.
Cut scene to TIE fighter cockpit. The pilot is preoccupied with a newspaper and cup of coffee and doesn´t notice that the Falcon is up and running again. He looks at his watch, then over the top of his newspaper, and, realizing that the chase is on again, throws the newspaper and coffee behind him and zooms off, followed by the other TIE fighters.
Cut scene back to the Falcon´s cockpit. Han speeds up a little and swerves to the left, headed right smack in to the middle of the asteroid field.
LEIA: Are you crazy?! You´re not actually going INTO an asteroid field?!
HAN: They´d be crazy to follow us.
LEIA: And you think they aren´t?!
HAN: Ahh… good point. Oh well.
Han continues on his happy way, narrowly avoiding asteroids repeatedly. Four TIE fighters (yeah, if this was so important to Vader, it´s not like he couldn´t have sent more…) follow him in. Two of them obviously never played much Mario Kart as children and don´t know how to steer, and go exploding into asteroids. (The other two, as youngsters, were exceptionally good at the game and preferred the characters Yoshi and Bowser.)
Cut scene to back inside the cockpit of the Falcon.
HAN: I´m gonna move in closer to one of the big ones.
LEIA: What?!
HAN: Hey, you got a better plan? I´m playing it by ear, here; I gave you my only copy of the script.
LEIA: (looks at the script) Well, it says the same thing anyway.
HAN: Damn.
Han spots a really big one and flies up closer to it, skimming the surface. The two Mario Kart-playing TIE pilots follow him. Han leads them into a canyon, where even their Mario Kart experience cannot help them as they explode into the canyon walls. The Falcon, now being pursued by the Executor and a bunch of TIE bombers, reaches the end of the canyon where there seems to be a giant hole in the asteroid. Seeing no better course of action, oh what the hell, they fly into it. Apparently, on the way down, nobody notices the fact that they are swallowed by a giant space slug.
Cut scene to the cockpit of the Falcon, now landed and resting in the digestive track of an extremely large worm. All the systems are shut down but the emergency backup and Mr. Coffee. (It´s dark.) Han walks in.
HAN: Hey, getting kinda romantic in here.
Leia slaps him. Han walks back out to make repairs to the ship, and Chewie follows him.
Cut scene back to Luke. He´s approaching Dagobah in his X-wing. The X-wing crashes through a large cloud that surrounds the planet. Visibility forecast for today: 8 millimeters.
LUKE: I know, R2, I can´t see a thing!
ARTOO: Bleepity blip blip. (Open your damn eyes, you wimp!)
Luke cautiously opens his eyes.
LUKE: Hey, wait a minute, I still can´t see and now I´m scareder!
ARTOO: Bleep blip bloppity bleep bleep. (You´re gonna get us both killed, kid! Geez, even your dad was a better pilot then you!)
LUKE: You knew my father?
ARTOO: Blip blip bleep… (Well, no, not reallyyy… Just… uhh… speculating…)
LUKE: Oh.
ARTOO: Blop blop blippity blip! (Watch your driving!…)
Luke looks up and notices that they are now crashing through the trees. Before he can do anything (anything meaning whine at Artoo), they crash straight into a swamp.
ARTOO: Blip blop blippity bloop blop. (Even more proof that it is not a good idea to listen to dead guys who appear to you when you´re frozen and half-unconscious crawling around on an alien planet just after surviving an attack from the abominable snowman.)
LUKE: Shut up.
Artoo starts to get out of the droid socket.
LUKE: No, Artoo, you stay put. I´ll have a look around.
[I´m sick of writing “blippity bloop blop,” etc. so from now on we´re just going to translate.]
ARTOO: (Actually, I think I´d stand a better chance out there than you, and I don´t have any weapons, or even any means of manipulating them if I did.)
Cut scene back to the Millennium Falcon. Threepio is trying to repair the ship. Han enters.
THREEPIO: Sir, I don't know where your ship learned to communicate, but it has the most peculiar dialect. I believe, sir, it says that the power coupling on the negative axis has been polarized. I'm afraid you'll have to replace it.
TOM SERVO: Or just take a magnet to it, but hey. Whatever works for you.
HAN: Well of course we´ll have to replace it.
Han turns away and walks towards the camera.
HAN: Chewie?
Chewie pops his head out from a hole in the ceiling.
HAN: I´m not even going to ASK what you are doing up there, Chewie. Here, take this, and replace the negative power coupling.
Chewie growls something.
HAN: No, I don´t know what that is either, but just go by the script.
Chewie growls something again. Han hands him a copy of the script he seems to have acquired.
HAN: That.
Chewie growls.
HAN: That Obi-Wan guy gave me one. No, I don´t know where he got it. It´s like a horoscope. It tells you everything that´s going to happen in the movie.
Chewie gives an inquisitive grunt.
HAN: Yeah, actually it´s been pretty accurate so far. I´m beginning to think our lives would make a whole lot more sense to the audience if everyone had one of these. (Chewie growls.) …No, I´m not sure what the audience is or what it wants from us, but the director says they´re making us all a lot of money, so I´m not complaining. (Growl.) The director is that person over there.
Han points over past the camera. The camera pans over to a view of the soundstage, where the cast is standing around chatting and eating doughnuts. Obi-Wan and I are talking.
ME: No, of course I didn´t write your death into the script! Would I do that to you? I HAVE a bounty on Darth Vader!
I look up at the camera.
ME: (waving in the general direction of the set) Keep filming! Keep filming!
The camera pans back over to the Falcon where Han is still explaining to Chewie.
HAN: …no, I don´t know what exactly a (finger wiggle) “soundstage” is, but it seems to follow the (finger wiggle) “director” around a lot, and the director gives me a nice check every week and tells me I´m doing a good job and am probably going to be the only one with a career after this. No, I don´t know what she MEANS by that, but as long as I get my check every week, I really don´t care… Oh, just fix the ship!
Han throws his hands in the air and walks off.
Cut scene to some other room on the Falcon. Leia is trying in vain to open a vault or something. Truth is, I don´t know what she´s doing. Apparently, she´s trying to turn something around that is not meant to be turned around. Han walks in and reaches around her to help. No, he doesn´t know what they´re trying to accomplish either, but any excuse to feel her up, umm, any way he can help. Leia shrugs him off.
HAN: Hey, your worship, only trying to help.
LEIA: Would you please stop calling me that?
Leia finally gives up on it and rubs her hand.
LEIA: You make it so difficult sometimes…
HAN: I do, I really do. You could be a little nicer though. Come on, sometimes you think I´m alright.
LEIA: Maybe, occasionally, when you aren´t acting like a scoundrel.
HAN: Scoundrel?
LEIA: Yeah, like that time you went out with Lando drinking Colt 45 and came back to the base smashed.
HAN: Well, it was just that one time… Hey, this isn´t in the script! Where was I? Oh yeah… Scoundrel? Scoundrel… I like the sound of that…
LEIA: I happen to like nice men…
HAN: I am a nice man.
LEIA: No you´re not you´re…
She´s cut off. Han leans over and kisses her. There´s a bunch of whistling sounds from behind the camera, which again pans over to backstage where the rest of the cast is having a great time teasing them. The camera is suddenly knocked over by an angry director trying to push it back toward the set. It goes blank.
Cut scene to Dagobah, evening. Luke has moved all his stuff from his X-wing to an empty patch of ground in the swamp. What good this all has accomplished is unknown. Luke picks up a box and opens it. He takes a fish stick out and begins to munch on it. He ignites what is described in the original script as a “fusion furnace.” (It is suspected that this is another one of Wedge´s practical jokes, put there in the hopes that the radiation will cause Luke to mutate into a frog. While this would be nothing short of hilarious, it´d do murder to the plot.)
OBI-WAN´S VOICE OFF-CAMERA: Wedge! They´re onto us!
WEDGE´S VOICE OFF-CAMERA: Dammit! Foiled again!
Artoo beeps.
LUKE: If you´re saying that coming here was a bad idea, I´m beginning to agree with you.
ARTOO: (No, I called you a moron, but whatever you want to think.)
LUKE: Oh, I don´t know Artoo. What are we doing here?
ARTOO: (I kept repeating the same question the whole way here, and now you´re asking ME?)
LUKE: Still, there´s something familiar about this place… I feel like… I don´t know…
STRANGE VOICE: Feel like what?
Luke spins around, blaster drawn, and points it at the blue creature who is now sitting on a log. A look of confusion crosses Luke´s face.
LUKE: Wha…? What are you?
CREATURE: Hrmm, supposed to be here am I… Been reading this book I have. Hrmm, good book, yes!
The creature tosses Luke a copy of The Empire Strikes Back original novel. Luke flips through it and stops.
[Footnote: In the original novel, Yoda is described as being blue. I don´t know why.]
LUKE: Well I don´t know what´s wrong with this, but in this script you´re supposed to be green.
YODA: (slowly changing to a light-greenish color) Hrmm? Script? What script is this you speak of?
Luke pulls a copy out and hands it to Yoda.
YODA: Accurate it seems to be… give this to you who did?
LUKE: This Obi-Wan guy during the shooting of the last Episode…
YODA: Obi-Wan? Give you one he did? Never mention it to me did he!
(Obi-Wan is heard snickering off-camera. Yoda shoots an angry look at him)
LUKE: What?
YODA: Ermm… nothing… Heh heh... Do what the script says we should, hrmm?
LUKE: Er… yeah…
Yoda runs up to Luke´s box and starts digging through the stuff, throwing it all over the camp.
LUKE: No, wait, come on, don´t do that… No, don´t touch that, you´re going to break it! Hmm… (gives the object a look of confusion) Well, whatever it is, it probably cost a lot of money!
Yoda turns to Artoo, giggling like an idiot, and shines a little lamp at his photoreceptor.
ARTOO: (Come on, Yoda, you spent 800 years as a Jedi Master on Coruscant, and you´re amazed by a flashlight?)
LUKE: Oh, come on now, that´s mine.
Luke reaches over and tries to grab the lamp.
YODA: Mine, or I will help you not!
LUKE: I don´t want your help! Now give me my lamp back! I´m going to need it to get out of this slimy mudhole!
YODA: Mudhole? Slimey? My home this is!
LUKE: Look, I´m really very sorry but…
YODA: Hrmm, too late it is! Made an ass out of yourself you already have.
LUKE: Look, I´m not here to play games with little green men, I´m here to find a Jedi Master.
YODA: Jedi Master? Yoda, you seek Yoda!
LUKE: You know him?!
ARTOO: (“Hrmm, only other person on this planet is he!”)
YODA: Yes! Take you to him I will! But first, we eat! Good food, yes, good food! Come!
Yoda walks off into the forest. Luke rolls his eyes.
LUKE: Artoo, you stay and look after the camp.
Luke gets up and walks off after Yoda. Artoo looks around.
ARTOO: (Oh, sure, leave the electronic one to look after the camp. What am I going to do if somebody attacks? Beat him over the head with my computer outlet plug-in extension? As if the whiner, the Muppet, and me aren´t the only three people ON the planet…)
Cut scene to Yoda´s hut. Luke is sitting on the floor ducking his head under the ceiling, looking at a Burger King bag.
LUKE: When you said “good food,” I didn´t know you meant stopping for a burger and fries.
YODA: (in the other room) Hrmm, have it your way you can, yes! Heh, heh heh!
LUKE: I just don´t see why we can´t see Yoda NOW!
YODA: (walks in) Hmm, be with him soon you will. Now, eat. For Jedi there is time to eat too, hmm?
Luke sighs and tastes some of the food. Grimacing, he turns around and spits it out the window. It lands on Artoo who has been sitting outside for the past 20 minutes and who beeps a few swear words.
YODA: Why wish you become Jedi?
LUKE: Mostly because of the script, I guess. Partially my father, though.
YODA: Father, yes, powerful Jedi was he.
LUKE: How could you know my father? You don´t even know who I am!
Luke angrily tries to get up, only to hit his head on the ceiling.
YODA: Would not be talking if I were you. Not even know where the ceiling is do you.
LUKE: Oh, come on, we´re wasting our time! YODA: (turns and talks to the wall) I cannot train him… the boy has no patience.
LUKE: Yoda? Damn, what is WITH you Jedi? You, Ben… you guys can never just come out and say, “Yeah, I´m Obi-Wan,” or, “Yeah, I´m Yoda!”
OBI-WAN´S VOICE: (ignoring Luke) Yeah, you´re probably right.
LUKE: Wait… Ben?
OBI-WAN: No, it´s the ghost of Christmas Past.
LUKE: Ben, tell him I´m ready!
OBI-WAN: (in a fake taken-aback tone) Why, Luke, you wouldn´t want me to LIE, would you?
LUKE: But Beeeen!
Yoda cuts in.
YODA: Watched Episode IV a long time have I. Always looking away to the future, the horizon. Never his mind on where he was, what he was whining about. Power converters, heh. Wasting time with friends, heh. A Jedi craves not these things! You are ANNOYING!
LUKE: But Master Yoda…
YODA: He is too whiney. Yes, too whiney to begin the training.
LUKE: (with resolution) I won´t get on your nerves.
Yoda sighs.
YODA: Will he finish what he begins?
OBI-WAN: Probably not.
Yoda sighs again.
YODA: Obi-Wan, why leave me to train him did you?
OBI-WAN: Hey, don´t tell me you wouldn´t have done the same thing in my position.
Yoda slits his eyes at the air in front of him and shakes his head.
Cut scene back to the asteroid field. Leia is sitting in the cockpit staring at the lights on the dashboard. Suddenly something flies by the window. Leia looks up with a start, and a creature appears from over the top of the windshield. Leia screams and runs from the cabin.
Cut scene to the Falcon´s main hold. Han is welding something when Leia runs in. Han looks up.
HAN: What?
LEIA: There´s something out there!
HAN: What?
LEIA: I saw something out there!
HAN: Let´s get this bucket of bolts out of here.
Leia does a double take and holds up a breath mask.
HAN: What? What´s that for?
LEIA: Well aren´t you going to go out there and investigate?!
HAN: Oh, sure, what was I thinking? Of course that little mask will keep the low pressure of space from boiling my blood and sucking my eyes out of their sockets.
Han walks out and Leia rolls her eyes and follows him to the cockpit.
Cut scene to the cockpit. Han sits down and starts up the ship. Chewie and Leia follow him in and sit down. The ship lifts off and starts zooming toward the end of the cave, which appears be closing.
LEIA: The cave is collapsing!
HAN: Leia, obviously you do not know much about the laws of physics. According to them, in a zero-gravity atmosphere, the cave could not collapse in an up-down direction, because it is perpendicular to the source of gravity, which is the asteroid. An actual cave, in this instance, would collapse inwards. Conclusion? This is no cave, sweetheart!
LEIA: Huh?
The Falcon races through the slit of an opening at the last second. As it emerges from the cave, a giant space slug reaches out after it but misses.
LEIA: What was it?
HAN: Well, it looked like a giant, carnivorous hand puppet from the props department.
Leia rolls her eyes. Han pilots the Falcon towards the edge of the asteroid field.
Cut scene to the bridge of the Executor. An Imperial Officer walks across the bridge and almost runs into Bossk, standing on a platform above him.
OFFICER: Oh, excuse me s-
He does a double take.
OFFICER: Uhh, whoa, dude, I think you have the wrong set.
Bossk growls at him, and the officer immediately walks away. Another officer leans down next to some lower-ranking officer´s ear.
OFFICER: Bounty hunters… we don´t need their scum here.
OTHER OFFICER: Yes, sir.
The higher-ranking officer walks away.
OTHER OFFICER: (under his breath) …why you needed to mention that is lost to me, but…
Darth Vader struts onto the bridge and walks up to the row of bounty hunters.
DARTH VADER: ...there will be a substantial reward for the one who finds
the Millennium Falcon. You are free to use any methods necessary, but
I want them alive. No disintegrations. (Shakes a finger at Boba Fett)
FETT: As you wish.
OFFICER: Lord Vader, we have a priority signal from the Avenger. We have them.
Vader walks away and Boba Fett turns to the other bounty hunters.
FETT: Did you see that? (Points to himself) *I* got a line! (Boba Fett starts to dance his way off the bridge) I got a li-ine, and yooooouuuu didn´t! I got a li-ine, and yooooouuuu didn´t!
Cut scene back to the asteroid belt. The Falcon, hyperdrive still broken, is being pursued by the Avenger. A blast shakes the ship.
HAN: Okay, Chewie, ready for lightspeed? Uno, dos, tres!
The ship does nothing. Han slams his head into the dashboard.
HAN: It´s not fair… it´s just not fair…
Suddenly Han looks up.
HAN: I got an idea! Chewie, turn her around!
LEIA AND THREEPIO: What?!
Chewie swings the Falcon around 180 degrees and they head back for the Star Destroyer.
Cut scene to the Star Destroyer bridge. Captain Needa is talking with one of the officers.
OFFICER: Heh heh, this is fun, sir.
NEEDA: Yeah. It´s really great when you have a big ship. We have those rebels running like…
Suddenly the Falcon flies over the bridge window about a yard away from taking it out completely. As it flies by, a hand can be seen through the cockpit windshield… flipping them off. The captain just stands there shocked for a couple of seconds…
NEEDA: I uhh… hey! Listen to me! FIND THEM!
OFFICER: Yes sir, I got it! Listen to them! Find you!
The captain does a double take.
OFFICER: Captain, they no longer appear on any of our scopes.
NEEDA: What? No ship that small has a cloaking device!
OFFICER: Do you think Lord Vader´s gonna buy that?
Needa gulps.
NEEDA: I will take full responsibility for losing them and apologize to Lord Vader… Prepare my shuttle.
As he walks off the bridge a stormtrooper runs up to him.
STORMTROOPER: Whadda you want on your tombstone?
VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA: Can I have your CD player?!
VOICE FROM OFF CAMERA: Alas poor Needa, I knew him well…
The bridge crew breaks into hysterical fits of laughter as Needa walks off. Through the door a voice can be heard.
FIRST OFFICER: Well, guys, looks like this leaves me in charge! As my first order of business, I declare tonight 70´s night!…
Cut scene back to the Millennium Falcon. It is docked on the outside of the Star Destroyer. Inside, Han, Leia, Chewie, and Threepio are still sitting in the cockpit.
THREEPIO: Oh, my, Captain Solo, this time you have gone TOO FAR!
HAN: Hey, I just saved you´re ass so I wouldn´t be complaining if I wanted to keep all my diodes.
Threepio shuts up.
LEIA: So what´s next?
HAN: Well if they follow standard Imperial procedure, they should dump their garbage before they go into lightspeed. Then we just detach and float away…
LEIA: And how do you know that?
HAN: Well, okay, I´m really just making a bunch of guesses here, but it does sound like a good plan, doesn´t it?
Leia rolls her eyes and sits back down.
LEIA: And, if this theory of yours works, where do we go after that?
HAN: Hmm.
Han pulls up a screen on the computer and runs a search for a planet near where they are.
HAN: Well this is interesting… Lando.
LEIA: Lando system?
HAN: Lando´s not a system, he´s a man. Well, in theory. Bespin´s pretty far, but I think we can make it.
LEIA: A mining colony?
HAN: Yeah, Colt 45 mine. Just like Lando to con somebody out of that.
Suddenly there is a noise from below them and the garbage is released. Han detaches the ship and they start to float away in the garbage. The Imperial fleet goes into lightspeed and Han starts up the ship. They fly off in the opposite direction. Suddenly, another ship appears from behind them and starts after them. Inside the Slave I, Boba Fett snickers.
BOBA FETT: I know this guy SO well…
Cut scene to Dagobah. Luke is standing on one hand upside down, levitating Artoo and stacking rocks with the Force while balancing Yoda on his foot.
ARTOO: (Luke, Luke, put me down, you´re making me sick. I wasn´t built for this!)
YODA: Yesss… good, good!
ARTOO: (Oh, sure, anybody comes at him upside down on one hand, he´s pumped!)
Suddenly Luke wavers a little bit.
LUKE: Han… Leia!
Luke falls over, Yoda and Artoo crash to the ground.
YODA: Control, control, you must learn control!
ARTOO: (On the ground, trying to right himself.) (Oh, you should be talking! I don´t even have any hands! How am I supposed to get back up?!)
LUKE: I saw a city in the clouds!
YODA: Hmm… friends you have there…
LUKE: How did you know that?
YODA: Call out their names you did… learn common sense a Jedi must.
LUKE: But they were in pain!
YODA: It is the future you see.
LUKE: I have to go help them.
YODA: (Turns and talks to thin air) Hmm. Told you I did. Hopeless is he. An embarrassment to his midichlorians. Why bring me his sister did you not?
OBI-WAN´S VOICE: Well, she´s been a little busy. This was the best I could do under the circumstances.
YODA: Admit it you should. Like to see me suffer you do. Think this is funny.
OBI-WAN: Well… no, not as such…
YODA: Hmph. (Turns back to Luke) Luke, you must complete your training.
LUKE: But Han and Leia will die if I don´t!
YODA: Glass always half empty, is it? Know that you do not.
LUKE: Look, I´m just making a few assumptions to move the plot along.
Yoda rolls his eyes.
Cut scene to Cloud City. The Falcon is coming in on the city, flanked by a Cloud City patrol car.
HAN: Look, I´m trying to reach Lando Calrissian.
CLOUD CAR PILOT: Do you have a landing permit?
HAN: No, I don´t have a landing permit.
PILOT: Then I´m afraid I can´t let you land and we´ll have to blow up your ship, sending you to a burning, painful death. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Han shoots a mournful look at nothing in particular. Suddenly the com comes back on and another cloud car pulls up beside the Falcon.
CLOUD CAR PILOT #2: Millennium Falcon, you have permission to land on platform 4. Have a pleasant day.
HAN: What? How come this other guy over here said we were going to be blown up?
PILOT #2: Oh, that´s Carl, he´s new.
HAN: Oh.
Han pulls the Falcon ahead of the cloud cars but can still hear the conversation over the com.
PILOT #2: How many times have I told you it is NOT our job to blow up everyone who tries to land here?! You can´t do that!…
The Falcon touches down on the landing platform and Han deposits a quarter in the parking meter.
THREEPIO: Oh, no one to greet us?
They just kinda stand there awkwardly for a moment. Just then Lando walks out, flanked by Lobot and a bunch of guards, and wearing a cape.
LEIA: (whispers to Han) Does he always walk around dressed up like a superhero or only on special occasions?
Han rolls his eyes and walks up to Lando.
LANDO: You got a lot of nerve coming here after what you pulled.
HAN: Me?
Lando stares at him for a minute and suddenly hugs him.
LANDO: How ya doin´ ya old pirate?!
Han just gives him a weird look.
LANDO: Ha, had you going for a minute there.
HAN: Uhhh… yeahhhh…
Lando grins. Lobot signals to the guards and turns and walks off.
HAN: Well, looks like you´ve done pretty good conning somebody out of this place… except for Mr. Clean over there. (Motions to Lobot, who stands there expressionless.) He´s starting to scare me.
They walk off towards the city. As they pass Lobot, Han pats him on the shoulder.
HAN: Take it easy, Captain Picard.
Cut scene to inside the city corridor. Lando leads Han, Leia, Chewie, and Threepio down the hallway. He´s going on about problems he´s been having running the city. Suddenly, Threepio stops and turns toward a silver 3PO unit as everybody walks on, either not noticing, not caring, or feeling extreme relief about the whole matter.
THREEPIO: Why, TC-14, what are you doing here?! How long has it been? 40 years? My goodness, this is…
SILVER DROID: E chanoota!
The silver unit walks on as Threepio abruptly stops talking, and then turns and yells after her.
THREEPIO: Why, don´t you remember?! We met on the set of The Phantom Menace! (To himself) Why, how rude!
There are a few beepings from an open doorway he is standing near.
THREEPIO: Why, that sounds like an R2 unit in there!
He walks in the door but immediately starts to back out again.
THREEPIO: Oh, no, please, don´t get up, I´m just going to leave about now…
The door closes. There is an explosion sound from the other side.
Cut scene to Dagobah. Luke is loading up his X-wing. Yoda sits on a log nearby.
YODA: Luke, you must complete the training!
LUKE: Han and Leia will die if I don´t go.
YODA: Know that you do NOT!
Suddenly, a shimmering figure walks in.
OBI-WAN: Listen to Yoda. He sure as hell knows more what he´s talking about than you do.
LUKE: Ooooh, is EVERYONE against me?
OBI-WAN AND YODA IN UNISON: Yes!
LUKE: But I can help them! (Obi-Wan and Yoda roll their eyes) I can feel the Force!
OBI-WAN: But you cannot control it… not that I can really blame it for not listening to you, but that´s not the point.
YODA: Yes, yes, to Obi-Wan you listen.
LUKE: Master Yoda, I promise to come back and finish the training.
OBI-WAN: It is you and your abilities the Emperor wants.
Yoda raises an eyebrow at him. Obi-Wan pulls out a copy of the script and points to a page. They both shrug.
YODA: Stopped, the Emperor and Vader must be. Only a fully trained Jedi Knight with the Force as his ally will succeed. If you stop your training now, if you choose the quick and easy path, as Vader did, become an agent of evil you will.
OBI-WAN: (muttering) That is if the Dark Side even wants him.
YODA: (muttering) Probably right are you. Just trying to scare him a little am I.
Obi-Wan nods and looks at his watch.
YODA: You must have patience!
LUKE: And sacrifice Han and Leia?
YODA: If you honor what they fight for… yes.
Obi-Wan and Luke both shoot him confused looks.
IN UNISON: What?
Yoda shrugs.
LUKE: I have to go…
OBI-WAN: Luke, if you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone.
LUKE: I understand. I don´t expect you to interfere.
OBI-WAN: No, I probably could if I wanted to, but I have plans later.
Luke furrows his eyebrows a little and shakes his head, climbing into his X-wing. He starts to close the cockpit.
LUKE: I´ll remember what you taught me. And I will return. I promise.
He takes off.
YODA: Oh, joy.
OBI-WAN: I can´t wait.
Obi-Wan plops down on the log and sets his head on his hands. He looks at Yoda out of the corner of his eye.
OBI-WAN: So, what´s your outlook on the situation?
Yoda looks at him, and they both nod.
IN UNISON: We´re screwed.
Cut scene to Cloud City. Leia is pacing back and forth in a sparkling white room. Han walks in.
HAN: Well, Lando has his people working on the Falcon.
LEIA: Han, where´s Threepio? He´s been gone too long to have just gotten lost.
HAN: Well, actually, knowing Threepio…
Leia shoots him an annoyed look.
Cut scene to the Cloud City junk room. Four ugnaughts are feeding metal parts into a furnace. Suddenly Chewie walks in and looks around. He growls something.
CHEWIE: (Hey, what´s going on here? Whoa, dude, it´s that droid that´s been following us around for four years now… what´s his name? Oh, well, no matter. I probably better find the parts to him.)
Chewie grabs Threepio´s head away from an ugnaught.
CHEWIE: (holds up the head) (Alas, poor Threepio, I knew him well.)
Chewie starts to grab the rest of Threepio´s components from the ugnaughts.
Cut scene back to Han and Leia´s room. Chewie walks through the door and dumps the parts on a couch.
LEIA: Aw, dammit. Chewie, you think you can repair him?
HAN: Okay, now, let´s not make any rash decisions here, let´s prioritize. If we DON´T put him back together…
Leia shoots him another look. Before Han can say anything, Lando walks in.
LANDO: Oh, am I interrupting anything?
LEIA: No, not really.
LANDO: Having trouble with your droid?
HAN: I don´t know if you would really call it “trouble”…
LANDO: Oh… Well, would anyone care to join me for some refreshments?
Everyone follows Lando out. He leads them through the corridors until he stops at a door. He presses a button on the wall and the door opens, revealing the imposing figure of Darth Vader, contrasting sharply with the white whiteness of the dining room and table he is standing at the head of. Boba Fett steps out from behind him and stands to his side. Han gasps and draws his blaster. He shoots once, but Vader just calmly raises his hand and the blast hits it and bounces off, striking the wall. Vader looks at his smoking hand, stomps his foot, and shakes his bionic arm back and forth.
VADER: OoOoWwWw!
He quickly recovers however, regains his posture, and calls Han´s blaster with the Force.
VADER: We would be honored if you would join us.
Han and Leia shoot derisive looks at Lando.
LANDO: I had no choice, they arrived just before you did. (Silence) Well, you are going to sit down, aren´t you?
Han, Leia, and Chewie turn to the table, shrug, and take their seats. Lando follows and sits down. The door whooshes shut. Boba Fett produces a notepad and pencil from his pocket.
BOBA FETT: Can I take your appetizer orders?
Cut scene to Luke´s X-wing. Luke is piloting toward Cloud City, which is seen off in the distance. Artoo beeps.
LUKE: No, Threepio´s with them.
ARTOO: (What? Is your translator broken? I asked if we were there yet. I have to go the bathroom)
LUKE: Yes, I´m sure he´s all right.
ARTOO: (Testing, testing one, two, three…)
Cut scene back to the dining room. An uneasy silence fills the air. Chewie, Han, and Leia shoot nervous glances at each other. Vader tries different ways of getting some salad inside his helmet. Lando experiments with ways to make the pile of empty Colt 45 cans in front of him look smaller so the others won´t know that he´s smashed. Boba Fett looks at his watch. After a couple of seconds, Vader stands up.
VADER: Oh, this isn´t working! Let´s just do the usual bad guy thing and torture them for a while!
Cut scene to the Cloud City carbon freezing chamber. Ugnaughts are running around preparing the chamber for use. Boba Fett leads a group of stormtroopers in, who are guarding Han, Leia, and Chewie, who has a half-finished Threepio strapped to his back. Lando and Vader are standing by the edge of the chamber.
LANDO: Lord Vader, if you put him in there, it might kill him!
The rest of the cast, on and off set, begins to cheer.
VADER: Well, yes, but one way we get him to join the Dark Side, the other way he dies. Either way, he stops his whining, right?
More cheers. Lando shrugs and walks off.
VADER: (speaking to everyone) However, if he does die, the Emperor will probably cancel my Christmas bonus. So we are going to test the effectiveness of the chamber on…
Multicolored lights play on Vader as he dramatically points around the room. He stops suddenly, pointing at Han. A spotlight follows his finger. Han looks nervous.
VADER: Han Solo, come on down! You´re the next contestant on “Make Sure Lord Vader Gets His Christmas Bonus!”
Han uneasily walks toward the chamber. Fett edges his way towards Vader.
FETT: What if he doesn´t survive? He´s worth a lot to me.
VADER: The Empire will compensate you if we screw up.
Fett shrugs.
VADER: Put Captain Solo in!
Chewie suddenly begins to throw a fit.
VADER: (to the stormtroopers) Restrain it!
The stormtroopers look at Vader, look at the wookiee, look at each other, and make a run for the door. Han steps forward.
HAN: Chewie! Chewie! Shut up, you big lug! The Princess! You have to take care of her!
Chewie grumbles something. Han turns to Leia and…
THE REST OF THE CAST: Oooooooooooooooooo…
Han turns and walks towards the platform.
LEIA: I love you.
HAN: I know.
LEIA: Hey, what?
The platform drops. The freezing process commences and a huge mechanical claw drops from the ceiling.
(Intercut footage from Toy Story.)
SQUEAKY ALIENS: The claaaaw…
The claw lifts the carbonite block out of the pit and drops it on the floor. It lands with a loud “thud.” Lando walks over to it and kneels down to look at a panel embedded in the side.
VADER: Well, Calrissian, is he alive?
LANDO: Yes… and in perfect hibernation.
VADER: (does a little dance) Christmas bonus, here I come! Reset the chamber for Skywalker.
Cut scene to a Cloud City corridor. Luke and Artoo peer around the corner. Boba Fett walks by, with a floating Han-shaped block of carbonite pushed by two stormtroopers in tow.
LUKE: Hey, whadda ya know, Artoo, that rock kinda looks like Han…
Artoo beeps a few sarcastic notes. Suddenly Boba Fett turns around and starts shooting at Luke. Luke jumps up and down narrowly avoiding the blasts, until the door suddenly slides shut.
Cut scene to the side hall. Boba Fett calmly turns around and continues leading the stormtroopers down the hallway.
STORMTROOPER: Uh, so, do you normally blast complete strangers at random, or just on occasion?
Cut scene back to Luke. There is the sound of footsteps, and he turns to face another side corridor. Leia, Chewie, Lando, and Threepio are being escorted by another bunch of troops. Leia turns and sees Luke.
LEIA: Luke, no, it´s a trap, it´s a trap!
Leia is dragged out of view. Luke turns to Artoo.
LUKE: Gee, you don´t suppose she meant it´s an ambush by that, do you?
ARTOO: (Hmm, well I don´t know. It doesn´t sound like it. Maybe you should go snooping around for trouble, eh?)
Luke runs after the group. Artoo follows but the door slams in his face.
ARTOO: (Oh, darn. Looks like I´ll just have to go off without Luke. Too bad.)
Cut scene to the anteroom. Luke looks around, but the group is nowhere to be found. A few more doors slam shut, leaving only one route out.
LUKE: (in all seriousness) Geez, what a coincidence. It´s almost like somebody wants me to go in a specific direction. Oh well.
Luke runs off down the hallway.
Cut scene to the carbon freezing chamber. Luke wanders in. He looks around the room, and his eyes fall on the carbon chamber. His eyes open wide. In the middle of the carbon freezing platform is a sign reading
“Free Cookies!
(This is not a carbon freezing chamber)”
Next to it sits a table with a plate full of chocolate chip cookies.
LUKE: (throws his hands in the air, Homer Simpson voice) Woohoo!
Luke walks over to the platform, which drops immediately. The room begins to fill with smoke. Suddenly, the voice of Darth Vader is heard from above.
VADER: Muahahaha! Psych!
LUKE: Uh, oh…
Luke leaps out of the chamber and clutches onto a bunch of pipes hanging above the pit. Vader turns around and notices Luke.
VADER (AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE SET): Dammit!
Luke drops back down to the floor and they both ignite their sabers and go at it.
Cut scene to the corridor. The stormtrooper squadron leads Leia, Chewie, Lando, and Threepio to a corner. As they turn it, they see that Lobot and a squadron of city guards are waiting for them. The stormtroopers, startled, immediately drop their weapons.
LEAD STORMTROOPER: We give up, we give up.
The guards take their weapons and hand one each to Lando, Leia, and Chewie. Lando turns to Lobot.
LANDO: Good work. Put them in the security tower, and keep it quiet.
LEIA: What are you doing?
LANDO: We´re getting out of here.
Lando finishes untying Chewie, who immediately starts to choke him.
LEIA: You think after what you did to Han we´re going to trust you?
LANDO: We can… still… save…
LEIA: Oh, sure, awe us with your Captain Kirk impression.
LANDO: We can… still save… Han!
LEIA: What? Chewie, let him go!
Chewie reluctantly releases Lando´s neck and Lando collapses to the floor, gasping for breath.
LEIA: (grabs him by the collar) Well don´t just lie there, let´s go! (Pulls him off.)
Cut scene to the East Platform. Two stormtroopers are loading Han onto the Slave I. Boba Fett stands by and watches.
BOBA FETT: Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.
Boba Fett pulls out a notepad and pen and checks off another box on his list of lines. Seeing that the last line on the list is “What the… AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!,” he looks off to the distance at nothing in particular, tilts his head to one side, and then shakes it.
BOBA FETT: Nahhh…
Boba Fett climbs in the ship and powers up, just as Leia and Co. run onto the platform heroically to save Han. Our heroes look very proud as they blast away at the Slave I. Just then it goes into hyperspace and their expressions drop. A bunch of stormtroopers just then appear behind them at the door, and start blasting at them. Leia and Chewie stand there blasting away at them, while Lando makes a mad dash with Artoo for the elevator.
LANDO: Hey, morons, get the hell in here!
Cut scene to the carbon freezing chamber. Luke and Vader are locked in combat at the top of a flight of stairs. Vader slices with his weapon and knocks Luke´s lightsaber out of his hand. It flies across the room. He then slices at Luke´s feet, sending him jumping backwards. At the last second, Vader reaches out his foot and trips him, sending him sprawling down the stairs. Luke recovers only to find Vader flying through the air straight at him. Luke stares at him in awe.
VADER: (lands) Stairs are for wimps.
Luke makes a grab for his lightsaber.
VADER: Your destiny lies with me, Skywalker. Obi-Wan knew this be true.
LUKE: No!
The camera cuts to off-set where Obi-Wan is sitting around with Wedge, me, and some other cast members playing poker.
OBI-WAN: Hey, speak for yourself kid!
Luke gives a helpless look at him before calling his lightsaber and throwing a few blows at Vader, who blocks them.
VADER: Obi-Wan has taught you well.
OBI-WAN: (off camera, shouting) I take that as an insult!
Vader gives an annoyed glance at him before going back to fighting. He and Luke engage in fighting for a moment, before Vader leaps into the carbon freezing pit and disappears. Luke follows. He finds himself in the reactor control room. He cautiously makes his way through a glowing tunnel to the reactor room. Vader emerges from the shadows and they ignite their sabers. Suddenly a piece of machinery detaches itself from the wall behind Luke and hits him in the back of the head. He goes flying through a large window, headfirst.
VADER: Whoops… didn´t mean to do that…
Various debris fly out the window as the suction from outside creates a vacuum in the room. As Vader leans over the edge of the broken window to see what happened to Luke, an airborne toaster hits him in the back of the head and sends him reeling out the window. The janitor walks in dragging a vacuum behind him. He looks around at the now suction-clean room and throws his hands in the air.
JANITOR: Woohoo!
Cut scene to the corridor. Lando is trying to get the door to the Falcon´s landing platform.
LANDO: The security codes have been changed!
THREEPIO: Artoo, Artoo, you can override the security systems!
Artoo rolls over to the panel and Lando activates the speaker system.
LANDO: Paging Mr. Herman, paging Mr. Herman…
Leia shoots him an icy glare.
LANDO: Sorry. Attention! This is Lando Calrissian. The Empire has taken over the city and I advise everyone to leave before more Imperial troops arrive. Run away! Run away!
Artoo plugs his arm into the terminal and immediately starts screaming and his head starts spinning around.
THREEPIO: Artoo, this is no time for your Exorcist impersonation!
Chewie pulls Artoo away from the socket. They all take off down the hallway. Threepio starts yelling at Artoo.
THREEPIO: Well, it isn´t my fault! I´m an interpreter, I´m not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal!
ARTOO: (Ass.)
THREEPIO: Artoo, you´ve been spending far too much time around that Obi-Wan Kenobi character…
They round the corner and Threepio´s voice dies out. Cut scene to the corridor outside the Falcon´s landing platform. Artoo is plugged into the computer terminal trying to negotiate with the city´s central computer. Cloud City residents are running their asses out of there, in no particular direction. Apparently, some of them are running in the wrong direction and are going to be shot and killed. Oh well, morons. Shoulda left as soon as the Falcon arrived anyway.
THREEPIO: No, we´re not interested in the hyperdrive on the Millennium Falcon, just open the damn door!
ARTOO: (Whatever you say. [beeps quietly] Moron.)
The door slides open and everybody runs through. They run up to the Falcon and start to get on board. Leia notices a piece of paper on the windshield and reaches up and grabs it.
LEIA: Lando, you idiot! You and you´re stupid carbon freezing ceremony! I forgot to come out and put another quarter in the parking meter!
Suddenly a squad of stormtroopers runs through the door and start blasting them. They run up the ramp to the ship.
Cut scene back to Luke and Vader. They are now dueling on a catwalk above, well, whadda ya know, another one of those infamous Star Wars bottomless pits. Vader swings hard at Luke.
VADER: You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be
destroyed as Obi-Wan did.
LUKE: WHAT is your preoccupation with Obi-Wan?! Just SHUT UP already!
They go back to fighting. Vader slowly backs Luke down the gantry. They pass several Cloud City residents in lawn chairs waving flags and munching hotdogs. Vader backs Luke onto a thin beam. Luke swings himself around but Vader´s lightsaber comes slashing down and cuts off his hand. His hand and his lightsaber fly off into oblivion.
LUKE: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Luke looks and his hand and stuffs it under his arm.
VADER: Luke… Shake my hand.
Luke gives him an “are you INSANE?” look.
VADER: Ha! Can´t do it can you? Gimme a high five! Ha, can´t do that either!
Vader does a stupid little mocking dance.
LUKE: Oh, come on, you´re acting like a five-year old!
VADER: Oh, fine. There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power.
(Snickers from off-camera) Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.
LUKE: I will never join you!
VADER: Well, okay. I can rule the galaxy alone. At least I can go back and tell Palpatine I tried.
Luke throws his copy of the script and it hits Vader in the back of the head.
VADER: What the? Oh, okay. If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
LUKE: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
VADER: No, Luke. I am your mother.
Luke shakes his head.
VADER: Er… No, Luke. I am your father´s brother´s nephew´s cousin´s former roommate.
Luke shakes his head no again.
VADER: Okay… Simba, I am your father. No? Austin, I am your father. That´s not it either? Okay… Luke, this is CNN.
Luke throws another script at Vader.
VADER: Oh… oh! Luke. I AM your father.
LUKE: No! That´s not true! That´s impossible! VADER: Search your feelings. You know it be true.
LUKE: Ben! You lied to me?!
OBI-WAN (OFF CAMERA): Oh, sure, blame the dead guy.
In despair, Luke throws himself off the support beam, and falls for a really, really long time. Vader looks down after him.
VADER: Oooohhh… goodbye, Christmas bonus.
Farther down in the bottomless pit, Luke is sucked into an exhaust pipe. He tumbles down it, head over heels.
LUKE: Oh, ah, ow, oh, ooh, ah,
He reaches the bottom and gets his bearings, just in time for a trap door to open up beneath him, dropping him into thin air. Luke grabs a hold of an antennae attached to the underside of the building. He starts to cry.
LUKE: This is quite possibly the worst day I have had in a long, long time.
Luke looks around. He exhales sharply in exasperation. Then he looks down.
LUKE: Aaaaaahhhhhh! I´m afraid of hiiiiieeeeghts!
Luke stops screaming and thinks for a minute. He starts to lose consciousness.
LUKE: Ben… Ben, please! OBI-WAN: First off, stop calling me Ben. And second off, you friggin got yourself into this one so stop whining at me.
LUKE: Leia… hear me, Leia!
OBI-WAN: No, no, when I said stop whining at me, I didn´t mean telepathically whine at your sister!
LUKE: Huh?
OBI-WAN: Uhh… Never mind. Whine away…
Cut scene to the Millennium Falcon. Leia´s head suddenly jerks up. Lando looks at her. Leia throws her hands up to cover her ears.
LEIA: Stop… whining at me!
Lando gives her another look.
LEIA: Even when I´m miles away, he finds SOME WAY to whine at me! We have to go back for Luke! At least when he´s nearby I can shut him UP!
LANDO: Are you nuts?!
LEIA: I will be if I can´t keep Luke quiet! I will go insane and I will TAKE YOU WITH ME!
Lando shuts up, nods, and turns the ship around. The fighters that were pursuing them are startled. They look back, roll their heads in exasperation, and bank around to follow them back toward the city. They think about how much they hate their jobs and should have been doctors like their mothers always told them to. Leia looks out the cockpit window as they near the city once more. She spots Luke.
LEIA: Look, there he is. On that antennae.
LANDO: How the hell did he end up there?
Leia shrugs. Lando runs out of the cockpit and appears out the top hatch as the ship slows to a halt under Luke. Luke drops and Lando reaches out to catch him but misses.
LANDO: Oops.
Lando picks up Luke and they ride the elevator back into the ship. Lando´s voice sounds from over the intercom in the cockpit.
LANDO: Okay, let´s go.
Luke, supported by Lando, stumbles into the cockpit and looks out the window. Leia and Chewie look at him.
LEIA: Have a nice ass-kicking?
Luke slits his eyes at her.
LANDO: If you don´t mind, maybe we should LEAVE?!
Lando sits down in the pilots chair and they turn around and head away from the city.
Cut scene to the sick bay. Luke sits on a cot, his arm bandaged. Leia is yelling at him.
LEIA: All right, I want to know what your problem is! Even when I´m miles away, trying to evade certain death, and you´re hanging upside down from a weather vane thousands of miles high, you find time to whine at me! Is that your sole purpose in life?!
LUKE: But Leeeeiiiiiiaaaaaa…
LEIA: There you go again! Stop it! I can´t take it anymore!
The ship rocks again.
LEIA: I´ll be right back. I´m not finished with you!
Leia storms out toward the cockpit. Luke looks after her.
LUKE: Waaaaaaaiiiiiiit…
LEIA: AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
Cut scene to the cockpit. Lando and Chewie are intensely watching the little lights flash on and off on the dashboard.
LANDO: All the pretty colors…
Chewie growls an agreement, entranced. Leia walks in. She looks at Lando, looks at Chewie, looks at the dashboard, and throws her hands in the air.
LEIA: You numbskulls! Watch your driving!
Lando and Chewie snap back to attention and shake their heads back and forth a few times, blinking. A muffled alarm goes off.
LEIA: Star destroyer. We better go to lightspeed. All the coordinates are set. It´s now or never.
Lando mutters something under his breath.
LANDO: Oh, a disciple of Ric Olie.
LEIA: What?
LANDO: Nothing.
LEIA: Oh.
LANDO: Punch it!
Chewie pulls down the lightspeed throttle. The engines make the sounds of starting up. Everybody´s face is expectant. Nothing happens.
LANDO: They told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It´s not my fault!
Leia turns around and smashes her head into the wall repeatedly. Chewie throws his head into the dashboard. Lando pulls out a Colt 45 and holds it up to the camera.
LANDO: It works every time.
Lando flashes the camera a big, cheesy grin before sinking back into depression and downing the whole thing.
Cut scene to the star destroy bridge. Darth Vader is looking out a bay window, his hands held behind his back. He is swaying back and forth a bit and humming some unintelligible tune. Admiral Piett walks up behind him.
PIETT: They´ll be in range of our tractor beams in a minute, lord.
Vader turns to face him.
VADER: Who?
PIETT: Why, the Millennium Falcon, lord.
VADER: Who?
PIETT: Lord Vader, we have been chasing the Millennium Falcon across the galaxy for the past 3 years.
VADER: Oh, that Millennium Falcon. Oh, well, that´s nice.
PIETT: Sir, are you… feeling all right?
VADER: I´ve never felt better, Admiral. What makes you say dat? (Hiccup)
Piett turns and leans over close to another officer.
PIETT: What happened to him?
OFFICER: Uh, well, before we left Cloud City, Lord Vader ordered us to pillage the City´s central storage area.
He hands Piett a can of Colt 45. Piett looks at it.
OFFICER: This is all we found, but we weren´t about to obey a direct order. One thing led to another, and, well, just look at him…
Piett turns and looks around.
PIETT: Where´d he go?
Suddenly, Vader dances back onto the bridge, leading a conga line of stormtroopers. Piett takes out a bottle of aspirin, takes two, and then looks at it and downs the whole thing.
PIETT: It´s going to be a long, long day.
OFFICER: I just don´t want to be the one to bring Emperor Palpatine an update on the situation.
Cut scene back to the Millennium Falcon. Artoo is busy attaching Threepio´s leg.
THREEPIO: What is taking so long? Why don´t we just go to lightspeed?
Artoo beeps at him.
THREEPIO: We can´t? How do you know?
Artoo beeps at him again.
THREEPIO: The city´s central computer told you? Artoo, you know better than to… hey, come back here, I´m not finished.
Artoo rolls over to the computer terminal and sticks his computer hookup into the terminal. He beeps a few commands at the computer and the ship immediately speeds up.
Back in the cockpit, everyone is suddenly thrown against the back wall as the ship goes to lightspeed.
Cut scene back to the star destroyer bridge. All the officers look on as the Falcon disappears from view.
EVERYONE: Ohhhhh, nooooo…
VADER: (Throws hands in the air) After them! (Hiccup) Bonsai!
Vader makes a mad rush forward, smashes into the wall, and falls over unconscious.
PIETT: All right, somebody get Lord Vader a pillow or something… Oh, man, is he going to have one hell of a hangover when he wakes up. (Turns to an officer) You! Go take all the pillaged Colt 45 and dump it out airlock #4. And you!
A Star Trek ensign in a red shirt turns and points to himself.
ENSIGN: Me, sir?
PIETT: Yes! You go and phone Emperor Palpatine! He´ll want an update on the current situation.
ENSIGN: (gulp) Yes… sir…
Cut scene to the Rebel fleet. The Millennium Falcon is attached via docking tube to a large cruiser.
LANDO: (over comlink) We´ll find Han, I promise.
LUKE: May the Force be with you.
Luke switches the comlink off and looks at the mechanical hand that has just been attached by 2-1B. He wiggles his fingers, and gets up and walks over to Leia, who is standing next to Artoo and Threepio, looking out a large bay window. He puts his arm around her.
LEIA: (looking out window) Is it just me or is the galaxy looking really small?
LUKE: No, I think you´re right.
Luke reaches out to touch the window. To his surprise, there is none there. He waves his hand around outside the window, and sticks his head out.
LUKE: Hey, wait a minute, this isn´t real!
He touches the galaxy.
LUKE: This is a painting! Hey, what´s behind this thing?
He tries to pull it aside, but leans over too far and falls out the window, dragging the galaxy painting down with him. Behind the painting, much of the cast is standing off-set, talking. They turn and look at Leia, who is standing there stunned. They wave uneasily.
SPEEDER PILOT: Uh… hi.
Cue ending credits. Cue “Yoda” by Weird Al.
STORMTROOPER: Hold it! Wait, wait, wait! (Credits stop) I am the chairman of the Campaign for Stormtrooper´s Rights! We demand that the portrayal of us as bumbling idiots who can´t shoot stops RIGHT THIS MINUTE! We are in fact very cultured.
Snickers off-camera.
RANDOM OFF-CAMERA VOICE: And, uh, well now, what evidence do you have to support this?
STORMTROOPER: We have formed a dance troop.
VOICE: What?
STORMTROOPER: A dance troop. And now we are going to sing and dance to prove to you that we are cultured and refined.
VOICE: (nervously) Uh… you… are?
STORMTROOPER: Yes. All right, boys, come on in!
A bunch of other stormtroopers run on and form rows. The head stormtrooper holds up a hand and counts to three with his fingers. Cue music and choreography. (To the tune of “Men in Tights” from “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.”)
STORMTROOPERS: We´re men, we´re men in white
We roam around Star Wars getting in fights
We´re men, we´re men in white
We protect the Empire and kill the Rebels, that´s right
Sure we can´t shoot
But if we could the movies would probably bite
We´re men, we´re men in white
Always on guard, defending the Empire´s rights
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…
We´re men, (incompetent men), we´re men in white (yeah!)
We roam around Star Wars getting in fights
We´re men, we´re men in white
We killed Aunt Beru, and Owen too, that´s right
Sure we´re all morons
But this job has good pay, and benefits too, all right
We´re men, we´re men in white, sparkling white
Always on guard defending the Empire´s rights
But if you´re in a fix, don´t call on the men in white!
We´re butch!
Hesitant claps are heard from off camera as the stormtroopers hold their ending poses expectantly. Cue credits before they have a chance to sing anything else.