The Search For Dubya
"Damn it Jim, Im a doctor, not some Vulcan High Priestess."
*
"I recommend that we return to Earth and render a solution to the problem."
*
"You sure you dont mean the clown jewels there champ?"
*
"About the only thing I see as freaky is you falling out of the sky & sinking my ship."
*
"Well its the civilian version of the Armys Humvee if you really want to know."
*
The trio had less than a second to cringed before Rumsfelds face hit the windscreen whilst displaying an expression indicating a mixture of surprise coupled with excruciating pain.
*
"You can register as a candidate for your partys nomination for President if you like."
*
"But if Poppa was here, and Mom wasnt, hed agree with us about Moms cooking"
*
Poppa did not get too far. The police pulled him over whilst on the way to the bar.
"Ships Log; Star Date 2455.139. Mr Scotts repairs to the ship has ensured that we are at maximum efficiency. Mr Spock , likewise, had been at his efficient self assuring me that his modification to the scanners will allow us to identify the cause of the time anomaly once we arrive at Earth. Everything appears to be going as planned" Kirk concluded. But before he could log out, he was interrupted.
"Captain" announced Chekov.
"Yes?"
"Theres a Klingon Bird of Prey de-cloaking off our port bow!"
"Shields! Red Alert" demanded Kirk.
"Aye sir" said Chekov as he raised the defence shields. "Captain, I now read three Klingon ships to port."
"Have they charged their weapons?" Kirk asked.
"Yes sir, and they are ready to fire!" replied Chekov.
"Mr Sulu, evasive manoeuvres!" ordered Kirk.
"Captain, I have some strange readings from our sensors" said Spock.
"Explain" stated Kirk as the Klingon ships fired their first salvo.
"There are no life signs aboard these ships" Spock said as the Enterprise shook from an impact of weaponry.
"Return fire Mr Chekov" ordered Kirk.
At that point Bones walked onto the Bridge from the turbo lift. "Is someone shooting at us?"
"It looks that way Bones" replied Kirk.
"Captain, my scanners now report an unusually high concentration of Tachyon particles. Fascinating" concluded Spock.
"Could that be a cloaked ship?" asked Bones.
"Highly likely Bones" observed Kirk.
"You are correct Captain. There is a remnant trace of plasma energy. It appears to be of Romulan origin" Spock announced.
"So, you Klingon bastards arent after me at all!" Kirk realised. "Target that tachyon concentration Mr Chekov. I want a full spread of photon torpedoes."
"Torpedoes away!" said Chekov to no one in particular.
The Enterprise fired numerous photon torpedoes in a pattern to the starboard away from the three Klingon Birds of Prey. At first the torpedoes missed their target, but eventually one of them exploded upon impacting an invisible object.
"Target that explosion" Kirk ordered in frightful anger. "Fire!"
The Romulan vessel began to de-cloak. The enemy ships captain got on the communicator.
"Captain, I have a communication from the enemy commander" stated Uhura.
"Put it through, main viewer" said Kirk.
"Youll never take us alive, Kirk!" announced the evil producer Berman.
In the background, however, Bermans evil partner in crime, Braga, had other ideas. "We better go to warp now, you fool, while we can still escape!"
"No. We must kill Kirk so we can rule the Earth!" demanded Berman.
"I told you, Kirk was too good for us. Better to retreat & try again at another time & place!" Braga argued as the full weight of Enterprises weapons came to bare.
"Captain, the Romulan ship is suffering tremendous damage. Her warp core is about to explode" warned Spock.
"Berman! Braga! Beam yourselves and the crew across to Enterprise: your ship is about to be destroyed. Save yourselves" pleaded Kirk.
"Never!" shouted Berman as the Romulan vessel exploded. Braga did not get the chance to reply. Both died along with their ship.
"Captain!" shouted an excited Scotty over the intercom, "I dont know how much longer I can hold her together!"
"Do what you can Mr Scott. I need everything youve got!" Kirk ordered.
"Captain" announced a calm Spock, "The Klingon ships have powered down. It seems that they were under the direct control of Berman and Braga."
"So by destroying them we disabled the Klingon ships" Bones surmised.
"Correct doctor" confirmed a somewhat surprised
Spock.
Meanwhile
"Dubya is the Devil, Dubya is the Devil" a voice on the television announced. A few seconds later, once more through the static, the voice repeated "Dubya is the Devil, Dubya is the Devil". As if on cue, Dubya & Oli entered the living room a few seconds later.
"Hey bro, the TV just said that youre the Devil" claimed Jeb.
"How can it say anything when all there is is static" observed Dubya.
"I dont know, but a voice said Dubya is the Devil several times over" replied Jeb.
"Impossible Jeb. Dubya is too stupid to be the Devil" ventured Oli.
"Im not stupid Oli. As far as you know I could be the Devil" protested Dubya.
"I highly doubt both claims there moron. If youre not stupid then why is Poppa lingering in jail for something youve done?" asked Oli.
"Because the fuzz cant do their jobs properly" Dubya quickly replied. "Thats got nothing to do with me being stupid" continued Dubya.
"Well I dont know bro", Jeb cut in, "hey Oli, could there be a stupid Devil, because if so, then Id say Dubya was it" laughed Jeb
"Im not a stupid Devil! Im a smart Devil" demanded Dubya.
"Actually, Id say youre a smart ass, bro."
"Jeb! Why dont you get" Dubya started saying just as Mom Bush entered the room.
"Dubya! Wash youre mouth out with soap. Therell be none of that language here, especially with youre father in jail" shouted an angry Mom Bush. "I cant believe that you three are wasting time when you should be getting a good lawyer for Poppa."
"Weve already have done that Mom", protested Dubya. "In fact the lawyer is with Poppa right now preparing for his defence."
"I hope hes a good one for your sake Dubya" replied
a scolding mother.
Trail By Jury
"Clearly, the police collected evidence which refutes your testimony, Mr Rumsfeld!" claimed John Ashcroft, Poppas lawyer.
A sickly looking Rumsfeld, sitting in the witness box, replied "I saw his face, his unmistakable face, looking directly at me through the windscreen as I bounced off it! No one could forget that evil face."
"But police evidence clearly shows that three people were in the Humvee which hit you at the time! You dont mention that fact sir" Ashcroft inquired.
"Thats circumstantial evidence & you know it. When the car hit me, there was only one person in it. I understand, when the police finally pulled the car over, only one person was indeed in it. And that person was Poppa Bush!" Rumsfeld argued whilst pointing at the accused.
Tom Clancy, Rumsfelds lawyer called out, "Your Honour, how much longer can this court tolerate these fabrications being constructed by Mr Ashcroft?"
"Objection!" cried Ashcroft.
"Overruled!" stated Judge Kissinger. "Ive had enough of this circus act Mr Ashcroft. Youll drop this conspiracy theory nonsense at once or Ill expedite the trail."
"What does that mean judge?" Poppa called out.
"Sit down" ordered Kissinger as he slammed down the hammer getting everyones attention. "Because of your ignorance, Ill explain. It means Ill call upon the jury for their decision immediately without further trial."
"You cant do that!" yelled Jeb.
"You damned well sure I can. And youre in contempt! Bailiff take that man into custody" at which there was much shouting & protesting coming from the citizens watching the proceedings.
"Order, order in my court room!" Kissinger demanded.
"But my father didnt do it" shouted Jeb as he was dragged away. Many others started their protests again.
Kissinger was required to quieten down the court room once more before proceedings could continue. Thinking twice about Jebs sudden incarceration, he announced, "Clerk of the Court, considering the emotional circumstances, order the Bailiffs to release Jeb Bush at the end of this days business." Kissinger then turned to Ashcroft, "You may continue if you have anything further to ask."
"Thank you, your honour." After a second or two of deep thought, Ashcroft asked, "Can you, Mr Rumsfeld, confirm, whilst my client was President of the United States, that you stated, if you had the power, youd have him tried for treason, but because you couldnt at the time, you have now turned this situation to your advantage in order to fulfil your nefarious wish?"
"Objection! Dont answer that," cried Clancy.
"Yes, I agree Mr Clancy" confirmed Kissinger. "I warned you before Mr Ashcroft about this conspiracy nonsense. Im now expediting this trial to judgement by the Jury."
"But you cant," shouted Dubya, "I know who did it & it wasnt Poppa!"
"Sit down & shut-up, or Ill throw you into the same jail cell with your brother" Kissinger threatened as he hammered away demanding obedience. Then, when silence was eventually restored, Kissinger asked, "What say you Mr Foreman?"
"We, the jury, find the defendant, Poppa Bush, guilty as charged."
"Hang him judge!" yelled Clancy.
"Therell be no hangings" said Kissinger in reply.
"Fry his ass then!" pleaded Rumsfeld.
"Sit down Mr Rumsfeld. Therell be none of that either" declared Kissinger.
"Can you fry his ass then judge?" Dubya called out whilst pointing at Rumsfeld.
"Order! Ill have order in my court" Kissinger
demanded whilst once more hammering away.
A Man of the People
The news crews pounced on the Bush family, minus Poppa, as they descended down the front steps of the court house. Questions were being asked in random order without any concern for the answers. None of the members of the Bush family could deal with the chaos around them. That was until one of the television cameramen fell over backwards down the steps taking a number of his colleagues with him.
Now that there was some space created around them, & that the reporters had stopped with their questions for a few seconds, the Bush family was able to catch their breath. Oli, at this point, intervened between the two groups & managed to get some order from the madness swirling around. "One question at a time please, otherwise therell be nothing" Oli announced firmly.
Immediately the FOX-News reporter asked her question "Now that Poppa Bush has been found guilty, what is your reaction?" she said to Mom Bush.
Mom Bush could not take the pressure & simply burst into tears.
Dubya got in the way & assumed a tall & straight posture. "Please, leave my Mom alone. Shes had enough. Ill answer all of your questions."
Above the noise, Jeb could be heard, "Do you think thats a good idea bro?" to which Dubya did not reply.
The FOX-News reporter repeated her question.
"I know that there has been a great injustice done here today" Dubya said rather eloquently. "My father is thoroughly innocent. The judge would not allow evidence to show this fact. Not only do I demand a retrial, but I demand massive reforms to the entire judicial process in our country. We the People have been betrayed by a corrupt government & judicial system!"
Jeb & Oli stared in horror, with mouths wide open, at that last statement.
"Is the government out to get your family?" the FOX-News reporter asked.
"Its simple. My father was a President of this country. He was a Republican. It doesnt take too much brain power to link the Democrats with this persecution of this great American, my father" Dubya claimed.
Needless to say there were a flurry of questions which followed. One reporter asked "Is it true that youve registered for the Republican Presidential nomination?"
This caught Dubya out as he had forgotten all about signing up for the nomination. That was until Jeb remembered the day at the voter registration booth. "Yes, Dubya registered for the Republican nomination on the very day Poppa was arrested."
To this, Dubya further offered, "You see, not only are my fathers enemies out to destroy him, but theyre trying to smear my campaign for the Presidency before its even begun. We must stand up to these people. This is un-American behaviour. We must always be vigilant for the good of our country. We must ensure American democracy is equal & just for all!"
After this statement, Jeb turned to Oli & quietly said, "Do you think he has any idea what hes saying?"
"I dont know about you Jeb, but it sounds damn good to me. Im wanting to pull my gun out right now & start pluggin those Democrat bastards!" Oli replied too loudly.
On hearing Olis comment, a group of onlookers, in fact even some of the reporters, let out a loud cheer of support, which could be clearly heard on the television. Thinking the cheers were for Dubya, & not for Olis off the cuff remark, the FOX-News reporter turned to her cameraman & said, "There Rod, you heard it. Dubya Bush is standing for the Republican Presidential nomination with the full support of everyone here. In the face of much hardship & injustice, in defiance of the attacks upon his father & himself, these are truly the signs of a great leader. Clearly, & many believe its been a long time coming, legal reforms have become a major policy issue for the Presidential campaign. I believe that theres no one else, at this time, who is truly capable of making them happen other than Dubya Bush."
It was hardly an unbiased report. Obviously the
FOX Network had just endorsed Dubya for the Presidential campaign. By doing
so, it would also ensure that their ratings would increase by such a controversial
act, regardless whether it was ethical or not.
Pardons
"I got a strange phone call this morning Bill" said Hilary Clinton. "It was in relation to Poppa Bush."
"That old fart? I heard he tried to run over Rumsfeld. No loss for either of them, if you want my opinion" replied the President whilst he read the sports page of the Washington Times. On the front page, which the President did not bother with, the headline proclaimed Dubya Leads Crusade for American Justice.
"Well that may not be the case. Poppas son, Dubya, is getting good headlines. He could be a threat in 2000" Hilary reported.
"Who, that idiot?" asked Bill Clinton.
"Yes him. I think hes a lot more shrewd than many think. Even if he does come across as a moron" offered Hilary.
"Well, Ill agree with you there about the moron part" answered Bill. "So what was the phone call about?"
"Its hard to explain. I dont even know if I believe what I was told, but theres a chance Im a Bush" Hilary explained with some scepticism.
All the President could do was to laugh in a hardy fashion. When he eventually settled down, Bill inquired "I know its not April Fools Day, but honestly Hilary, I cant imagine you being part of that crazy hillbilly family."
"Nor can I, but its just strange that Dubya would make such a phone call. He even challenged me to have a DAA test."
"DNA test, honey" Bill cut in correcting his wife.
"Oh yeah, I cant believe I got that wrong" laughed Hilary, "Maybe I am related after all."
"I seriously hope not" said a somewhat concerned American President.
"But regardless, Bill, I do think you should look into this Poppa Bush business. If for no other reason, I know the trial was a sham. It appears that Rumsfeld took advantage of the situation to punish Poppa for whatever reason."
"Why should I care if two senior Republicans are out to kill each other? Better them doing that than having Republicans come after me" reasoned Bill.
"Bill, you must pardon him, for me, if not for America" Hilary pleaded. "Besides, it would make good sense politics wise. It takes away from Dubya his one major advantage come the election. Al may even have a chance!"
"You know, come to think of it, I dont know who would be worse for the country, having Al or Dubya as President. Any chance we can change the Constitution allowing me to remain in the White House for another term?" asked Bill Clinton.
"After Monica, youre lucky youve still got all
your amendments left, let alone any new ones for the Constitution, Bill"
threatened Hilary with an icy stare.
Primary Colours
Even though Dubya had gained the Republican nomination for the Presidency, there was still a chance that he may not win. Poppa had been set free, so Dubyas main cry about injustice was, all but, taken away. As a result, a new strategy had to be used to ensure that victory would be certain.
"Are you sure this is legal bro?" a dubious Jeb asked his brother.
"Yes. Everyone is entitled to vote, even you & me. Its in the Constitution" answered Dubya.
"I thought it meant you only voted once" offered Jeb.
"Nope. It doesnt say anything about that. I have read it you know" defended Dubya.
"Well you may have read it, but I doubt that you know what it means" reasoned Jeb.
"Very funny bro, very funny. Not!" replied Dubya.
Just then Oli stuck his head into the electoral ballot counting room "Have you two finished yet or what?"
"We havent started Oli. Keep guard & tell us if anyones coming" ordered Dubya.
"Man, if you werent really running for President Id shoot you right here & now" stated Oli as he went back to sentry duty.
"Quick Jeb. Grab those ones & start punching holes in them" said Dubya.
"Do you punch them or tick these ones?" asked Jeb.
"You use those punching machines over there", answered Dubya as he walked over to the machines. "Look, like this. Make sure you punch my hole."
"You mean your asshole?" a sarcastic Jeb inquired.
"Thats not funny bro, especially when youre talking to the next President" a somewhat disgruntled Dubya demanded.
"Youre only going to be President because weve been voting like this at hundreds of places up and down the east coast. Somehow I dont think this is legal bro, even in Florida" protested Jeb.
"Well it wasnt my idea, it was Poppas. This is exactly how he became President", Dubya explained. "And what worked for Poppa will work for me".
"So we can expect you to get thrown in jail for something you didnt do too, hey bro?"
"You know", Dubya said ignoring Jebs half baited question, "its funny. Life is, that is. Poppa gets thrown in jail, which gives me the chance to go on a human rights crusade against injustice, & then I become popular with the People. And now here we are righting that wrong done to Poppa by voting. Dont you just love democracy bro? Dont you just love America Jeb?"
"Knock it off moron. Im ya brother, not a mom
with a baby to kiss" Jeb said in a somewhat annoyed fashion. "And youll
love a jail cell too if someone catches us voting this much, regardless
of how much America loves democracy."
As Jeb finished speaking, Oli entered looking
rather concerned. "I just saw a light come on down the hall. Someones
coming!"
"Hell! I knew wed get caught sooner or later" said Jeb.
"How can we escape Oli?" asked a scared Dubya.
"Quick, out the window! Ill hold them off with my gun" replied Oil.
"Ah Oli, I dont think wasting the voting clerks is a good idea," suggested Jeb. "Someone may well ask questions about why is a friend of Dubyas shooting people counting votes. Besides, this isnt a post office you know."
"Jebs right Oli. No shooting people, especially if theres a chance that I could get caught. Youre coming with us."
"But you hit people with my Humvee! Thats what started all this in the first place" protested Oli.
"I only hit one person Oli, that Rumsfeld jerkoff, not people!" Dubya retorted defending himself.
"Whatever. That still doesnt mean that I cant I shoot people. Besides, Ive always wanted to make a last great stand. You know, like Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid?" dreamt Oli.
"Another time dude. Lets get out of here before they do to us what they did to your butch dude" ordered Dubya.
"You know Oli", Jeb said at the window, "there are times when you worry me man."
"I worry you? You do know you share his genes
dont you?" Oli replied as the three dove out the window to safety.
The Lord of DC
"Dubya, sit down will you" pleaded Hilary.
"No, I want to savoir this moment. Like how many times do you get to do this?" replied Dubya.
"Ive done it three times now. Twice when I was President & this time" stated Bill.
"Well this is my first time. Wow the people here love me," observed Dubya. "Hey Bill, any hints on what to do when they swear me in?"
"Dont fall over & say the lines you were given in the right order," advised the outgoing President.
"And dont, in your speech, say anything about me being your long lost sister," Hilary threatened more than suggested.
"Oh I wont. No one would believe me anyway."
"Yes, like I cant believe that youre going to be the President instead of Al," a cynical Bill cut in. "How did you do it anyway?"
"I guess Im a man of the People" answered Dubya knowing full well he rigged the election.
"Good, at last, we are here" observed Bill as Dubya jumped from the Presidential convertible & began jugging up the steps to his date with destiny. Awaiting at the location of the ceremony, Poppa, Mom & Jeb Bush, along with Dick Cheney, were already waiting, as was the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
"Hi Mom, Poppa, Jeb. Hi Mr Chief Justice" Dubya said with glee. "Ready to be my vice, Dick?" to which Cheney made an embarrassing chuckle in reply.
"Behave yourself Dubya or the Chief Justice will throw you in jail" was all Poppa could say.
"Now repeat after me," the Chief Justice requested to Dubya, "I, Dubya Bush."
"I, Dubya Bush."
"Do solemnly swear"
"Do solemnly swear," whereupon Dubya began to glow an off white colour whilst a strange high pitched sound could be heard. It took less than a second before he was transformed into nothing but bright light & sound. Just as the Presidential protection group got into action, though, the bright light had vanished along with Dubya. The President had disappeared into thin air!
Cheney could not believe what had just happened and that, combined with the realisation that he would become President, was far too much for his heart.
America was instantly transformed into a leaderless
country. Political crisis was at hand. What would the future thus behold?
Do The Time Warp
"I have him captain" Scotty announced over the intercom. "Hes now in the brig as ordered, sir"
"Good work Mr Scott" replied Kirk. "Bones, Mr Spock, youre with me. We need to have a chat with our guest."
"Let me out of here" demanded Dubya as three uniformed human looking characters entered the brig of the Enterprise. "Do you know who I am? Im the President of the United States!"
"Actually, sir, you are a time dimensional anomaly" Spock cut in correcting Dubya.
"Im a what?" a confused Dubya asked.
"A time dimensional anomaly" repeated Spock.
"Whatever, let me out of here at once. That an order!" decreed Dubya.
"Im afraid I cant do that just yet, Mr Dubya is it?" announced Kirk, "Not until weve had a chat first. Mr Spock would like to ask you a few questions."
At Kirks introduction, Spock placed a hand on Dubyas temple. "Hey, you dont need to touch my head to talk to me. Whats with the ears?" was Dubyas last words before the Vulcan mind-meld took over his consciousness.
"Are you connected to him, Mr Spock?" asked Kirk.
"Yes captain. It required little effort" reported Spock.
"What, already? Not much resistance there Spock" observed Bones.
"Actually doctor, not much intelligence" replied the Vulcan First Officer.
"So I trust your mind-meld was a total success Mr Spock?" inquired Kirk.
"Yes captain. He will not recall a thing about our intervention, whilst the rest of his experiences of late will be remembered like a dream" explained Spock.
"Spock, do your calculations for dimensional travel
immediately!" ordered Kirk. "We must take Mr Dubya back to his own time
& existence as soon as possible. Then things may get back to normal
around here."
Aftermath
Dubya woke up with a fright. His dream seemed all so real. But here he was, were he assumed he should have been, being woken by a phone ringing beside his bed.
"Can you get that Dubya? Itll be for you anyway" a womans voice said from the other side of the bed.
"What the?" a stunned Dubya muttered.
"Answer the phone hon" requested Laura Bush.
Still groggy, & somewhat confused, Dubya picked up the phone. "Dubya, its Jeb. I have hassles here. The Democrats want a recount of the Florida vote, not to mention the commencement of court action against the whole voting procedure. What do you want me to do Mr President Elect?"
Dubya was speechless. What alternate universe,
he asked himself, was he in this time?
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2003 David Mark Atwell
