Date: 5 February 2003
Title: Gone
Author: Das Jessy
Archive: Yeah. But tell me.
Summary: Hey, the summary thing  does not only suck when I'm writing the Sunnydale Series. Big surprise.
Rating: PG-13
Category: I have no idea.
Disclaimer: Mine *mad grin*
Spoilers: The Gift
Feedback: As if I'd get feedback. jessy_84@t-online.de
Author's Note: I got the idea while listening to 'Sacrifice' from 'The Gift.'
Well, English isn't my first language, so... Hope you'll like it.
My other stories can be found at www.spiritofx.com
 
 
 
Gone
 
 
Dawn, listen to me. Listen." Dawn could still hear her sister's words. The words she had said moments before she'd jumped off the tower, jumped into death. "I love you. I will always love you." Dawn knew all along that Buffy loved her, even after they both had known that she wasn't real, and now she'd given her life for Dawn. "But this is the work that I have to do." Dawn would have to live the rest of her life knowing that Buffy died for her, that if she hadn't been the key Buffy wouldn't have had to close the portal. "Tell Giles...tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay." Giles, who she could now see standing near Buffy's lifeless body, grieving for the daughter he never had. Giles who'd have given his life in an instant for hers. "And give my love to my friends." Her friends who were all there. Looking at the body that once had been their friend. That once had laughed with them. Anya in Xander's arms. Willow and Tara, supporting each other. And Spike. All alone lying on the ground, crying, too battered to even move. Seemingly not noticing or not caring about the upcoming sun. "You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong." They would take care of each other, that much Dawn knew. They'd all be there for her and she'd be there for them as well. But Spike...Buffy'd told her to take care of them, and for her that included Spike. "Dawn, the hardest thing in this world...is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me." Dawn broke down on the tower. Xander had to drag Spike into his car to get him away, otherwise he just would have stayed there waiting for the sun to come up and end his existence. As much as Xander himself hurt, he felt sorry for Spike, who he knew loved Buffy against all odds. Who changed against his very nature. Giles transported Buffy. Dawn woke up in her own bed, not knowing how she'd gotten there. At first she thought it had all been a dream, but as she made her way to the living room she could hear hushed voices talking and somebody crying. Tara and Willow were on the couch, Willow weeping on Tara's shoulder. Xander was sitting on the floor in front of them, eyes red. Giles was at the phone talking, but Dawn couldn't hear to whom or what about. The thing that broke Dawn's heart all over was Spike. He was sitting in an armchair with Anya leaning over him, trying to tend one of his many wounds. He was staring, just sitting there and staring into space. Tears were running down his cheeks and he seemed to be totally zoned out. Dawn went over to him, motioning for Anya to step aside. As Spike recognized her he looked into her eyes and pulled her into his embrace. They cried together for some minutes until he pulled away and tried to get a better look at her. "I'm sorry." He mumbled. "It's all my fault." Dawn was aware of the fact that there was nothing she could say that would make him feel less guilty and so she just hugged him closer. "If I had held Doc back, he couldn't have opened the portal. It's all my fault." She petted his head trying to console him. "No, Spike, it isn't your fault. I know you won't believe me, but it isn't. We'll both have to live with the guilt, but Buffy told me to go on. To live. And I know she'd want you to go on as well."
 
Dawn didn't know much of anything that happened during the days after Buffy's death. Giles took care of the funeral and she was aware that Tara and Willow must have moved in with her. Willow had been gone for some days and Dawn assumed she'd been to L.A to tell Angel. She didn't really care, she just hoped Angel wouldn't come to Buffy's funeral, she wasn't sure if she could stand him. She couldn't eat nor sleep. Everybody tried to help her. They asked her about a thousand times a day how she was and she wouldn't answer. Couldn't. Buffy was gone. She was alone. Everyone she loved was gone.  Her mother, her father didn't care about her anymore, and now the last part of her family had died for her.
 
The funeral was held shortly after sundown. Dawn drove with Giles but didn't say a word. They had asked her if she wanted something special on Buffy's headstone but she just had started crying, not able to make that kind of decision; it had been hard enough to pick out a coffin after her mother had died.
 
When they arrived at the cemetery the others were already there. She hadn't seen Spike since the night Buffy had made the sacrifice for her and was relieved to see him standing at a small distance from the group; she had been frightened he might have watched the sunrise after all. While Giles was saying some words her gaze fell to the headstone.
 
Buffy Anne Summers
1981-2001
Beloved sister devoted friend
She saved the world a lot.
 
Dawn walked over to Spike and took his hand, squeezing it a little. He looked down at her and gave her a weak smile. Neither of them heard anything of what was said, both lost in their own thoughts, Dawn's being about the time when they both had still been little kids. Knowing that these memories weren't true, while Spike remembered the first time he had seen her, dancing with her friends. An innocent young girl. How he'd told her she'd die, that he'd kill her. And their good times together. Fighting side by side. How they'd actually become friends and how she'd trusted him with her sister on that last evening and at last how he'd failed her.
 
They both were surprised as Giles came over and asked Dawn if she was coming. She told him Spike would take her home, looking hopefully at him. He just nodded. When everybody was gone. Spike fell on his knees touching the headstone and tracing the inscription he whispered "Buffy." Dawn kneeled down next to him and laid her hand on his shoulder, grieving with him.
 
Buffy had been dead for one year. Dawn was coping as were all the others. Anya and Xander had moved on and gotten married. Willow and Giles had gotten the guardianship for Dawn, since Hank Summers had made up some kind of excuse for not taking her to him. Everybody had gotten a perspective, everybody  but one. Spike couldn't get over it. When Buffy'd been dead for some months, he'd had a talk with the Watcher. "Does it ever stop hurting?", he'd asked him."I don't want to sound all cliché, but it won't stop or even get less painful, you'll just learn to live with it. It will get easier."
 
And it had, for Giles that was true, but for Spike it just wasn't. Everyday without her the pain grew stronger.
It was exactly one year after her sister's death that Dawn found a letter on the doorstep.
Dearest Dawn,
I promised your sister I'd take care of you, that I'd keep you save.
As you of course know, I failed. The last year I stuck around because I promised her and, of course, because I love you. But I have got eternity ahead of me, I won't die if not some guy gets lucky and puts a stake through my heart.
I can't do this anymore, Nibblet. It just hurts too much, so I've made my decision. I know you'll feel like I'm just leaving you as well, and probably you are right. I know I'm one selfish bastard but you have to go on living. Buffy told you to be brave and that's what I tell you now, too. Take care of yourself.
I love you, William.
Dawn knew where he'd be. He'd wait for the sunup at her grave. She just had to make it in time. The sun would be up in ten minutes, but there was a slight chance. She couldn't lose him as well.
Spike hoped that Dawn wouldn't find the letter before sunup so she wouldn't try to stop him. He was sitting on Buffy's grave, gliding his hands through the grass. "I can't go on, Luv. It hurts too bloody much. I know you'd want me to try, but I'm not strong enough, I'm weak. I'm also aware that I'm leaving Dawn behind and I could tell you now that I'm doing this for her own good but it would be a lie. I'm doing this out of selfish reasons. I just want it to stop. I'm evil, ya know?! I know you have to be in heaven, after all you were the best human being I've ever met. Your guide was right, you know?! You *are* full of love. You forgave me what I did and treated me like a man. You were the only one that ever has, you and the Lil Bit, and your mom. One hell of a woman she was. I hope you've found her wherever you are now. I hope you feel save and loved, because you are. Maybe we'll see us there."
As the sun came up and took Spike's unlife away, he was well aware that he'd never get were she was, that he'd made too many mistakes. But nevertheless he felt at peace.
Dawn arrived at the cemetery to see her best friend, the only one who felt remotely like her, turn to dust.
 
~The End~
Comment: Thanks to my beta mel and well, that's it.