A Guide to France

Overview

France is a medium-sized country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks it is. It is bounded by Germany, Spain and some smaller nations of no particular note. Among its contributions to western civilization are Champagne, Camembert and the guillotine. Its principal preoccupation is with testing atomic bombs in the south Pacific and then acting indignant when other countries complain. Local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak in English if shouted at loudly enough.

The People

France has a population of 56 million people, 52 million of whom drink and smoke; the other 4 million are small children. All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Men often have girls' names like Marie or Michel and kiss each other whenever they meet.

Safety

France is generally a safe country to visit, although travellers should be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Don't worry, however, as the French traditionally surrender immediately and in any case, a tunnel connecting it to England has now been built so that it is easier to escape.

History

France is a very old country with many ancient treasures such as the Louvre and Euro Disney. French historical figures include King Louis, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years, but is now an airport. The French were never very imaginative and so all their kings were called Louis.

Government

For administrational purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafés and telephone kiosks; each of these has it's own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, although somewhat confusingly, both are located on the ground floor. According to the latest intelligence report, the current President is someone named Jacques.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a film that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is still a snail.

Economy

France has a large and diverse economy, which is somewhat surprising considering that the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other country in the world. Among its 261 national holidays are 157 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 5 Charles de Gaulle Days, 3 Napoleon Days and 2 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it wasn't inhabited by French people. The best thing about France is that it's not Germany.