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| Connor sleeps with one of his teddies, the other one is next to his mummy's bed. The message on the pillows reads: |
| I go to bed at night and imagine that you're there. I hope you dream of me tonight, and know how much I care. |
| A now good friend of mine, a very special guy called Jim whose daughter Jessica is on the angel pages, gave me some very good advice. He told me all the fun things he and his wife Amy had done with Jessica while she was still in the womb. I decided to become a mummy then , rather than wait till I had my baby in my arms. |
| Connor's medical stuff was all really hard, as every day I had to face more tests and there were more decisions to make. After a while I made a Birth Plan, with the help of a lovely lady Karen who runs the TrisomyOnline support group. I did this to make sure that Connor had the best possible chance if he was born alive. In this country they do not offer surgical procedures and certain forms of care to children with T18, so it was hard to know that even if he was born, I may not be able to do anything for him. He didnt show any problems with his major organs, as far as we could see, so we were hoping for the best outcome. I had a doppler at home and I checked for his heartbeat every day. I loved listening to it, in fact its one of the things I miss most. I used to listen to him for hours. |
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| I loved going to all the scans and seeing him wriggling around. He really was SUPER naughty; whatever the doctors were trying to look at, he was always wriggling in the wrong direction. I always got a lot of movement, right up until the final weeks. I was so happy whenever I felt his little wriggles and kicks. Even at 5am every morning! Every time we had a hospital visit he got a treat afterwards. It was usually ice cream and a movie because he liked the pictures a lot. The first time he ever kicked properly was during Hannibal, I nearly jumped a foot off the seat in shock. I could see his little foot sticking out, I was SO happy. He was such a funny little thing. Whenever I was on the internet talking to people he knew he would always give a little kick. I think it was his way of saying hello. I was happy staying awake all night just playing with him. I used to prod my tummy and see if he could kick my hand. Once or twice his little hand prodded out from where my belly button should have been. I could even feel his little fingers. There are so many memories to share, but they are all cherished deeply within my heart and the hearts of others that knew him, so I dont have to type them all here. Im sure you can tell what a special little guy he was. |
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| The first week in June we went for his usual checkup, but something wasnt right. His heartbeat was slow and even skipped a little. We could also see a cyst on the umbilical cord, but the doctor checked the blood flow and said Connor wasnt in any danger just yet. We scheduled the caesarian section for the 19th of June, about 10 days away. Somehow I knew this was the end for us. He wasnt moving as much and I just had a bad feeling, a really bad one which I cant explain. I was due for a checkup on the 13th and thought I would probably be admitted then. But on the 11th June, just before midnight I went to listen to his beautiful heart before bed and it just wasnt there. I knew he was gone, I had listened to him for months and I knew. This wil forever be the worst day of my life. I have never felt so empty and sad. |
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| I went home that night and typed a letter to all his friends to let them know that Connor had left for heaven. I was induced the next day. I asked Connor to give me strength and watch over me through my labour as it was very hard, but I wanted to see him so much. Connor was born at 15.56pm on the 13th June 2001. Although his spirit was already gone, his little body was so beautiful. As I hugged and held him, I hoped he was receiving all this love elsewhere. |
| He was so beautiful, I was smiling straight away. He was so warm and so HEAVY. He was a long skinny baby, he was 42 cms long but weighed only 4 lbs. But he felt heavy to me. And he smelled just great; he woulda thought I was crazy sniffing away at him. He had a mop of dark hair, all curly and sticking to his head. He had long blonde eyelashes that rested on his cheeks, framing his lovely blue eyes. His tiny fists werent clenched any more,so I could hold his little hands. He had perfect little fingers, with little nails. His third finger sat a little under the rest. He had perfect little feet too. Perfect little baby feet. The fact he had a club foot was barely even noticeable. His face was just WOW! Id been so worried about his cleft, but it was just gorgeous, so individual. I finally saw the cute button nose I had cherished on those scans. A precious perfect ickle baby face. My angel on Earth. |
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| I held him for hours. He was dressed in a Winnie the Pooh babygro my sister had bought. We took pictures and is handprints and footprints and a lock of his little baby hair. It was the happiest day of my life. I knew somehow he could see how much he was being cuddled and loved by his mummy. I never cried that day, because I was with my baby. I was so proud of him and so damn happy. I never wanted to say goodbye. |
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| We buried Connor on the day he was due to be born, the 19th June. Some of the poems from his service are on the Memorial pages. I held him and rocked him all the way through the service. Many friends and family attended and some read poems.It was a lovely day. The least I could do for my little boy was to lay him to rest with love, dignity and peace. |