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Birth to Age 9...
At the time of Carolynn's birth, I was not
married to her Biological Father. In fact he was still
involved not only with myself, but with another woman,
whom he was 'engaged' too at the time we met. As I said,
he misrepresented himself in many different ways...
I will stop here and explain where
Carolynn's name comes from. My Sister Marguerite had a
Sister In Law named Carolyn. (I use the word 'had'
because Carolyn and Marguerite's Brother have been
divorced for some time now) Carolyn is a breast cancer
survivor. Marguerite had, just a few years prior, been
diagnosed and treated successfully for cervical cancer.
These are two of the strongest women I know and I wanted
my little daughter to have a name of power. A name that
would give her a real, fighting chance to survive the
terrible circumstances of her birth. The most powerful
name I could think of was Carolyn Marguerite. This would
have been her name if her Biological Father had not felt
the need to add his own twist to it. Thus my daughter was
now 'Carolynn' instead of the commonly accepted
'Carolyn'. It isn't that big an issue until you try to
find personalized items with her name on them...
So here we are, May25, 1994. I was back in
my room now and Carolynn was in the N.I.C.U. hooked up to
more machines than any Borg I'd ever seen on Star Trek. I
was not able to go see her however as a C-Section is
major surgery and you don't just hop out of bed and go
running around the hospital afterwards. I was unable to
get out of bed at all in fact. My ex (as I will refer to
him from here on) went down to see Carolynn and brought
me back a polaroid of her. That polaroid is on the
preceeding page. That was my first real glimpse of my
daughter. Talk about scary... Of course, being just as
worried about Carolynn as I was, my ex stayed by my side
all day and all night while we waited for every bit of
information we could get on her condition... Oh wait...
no he didn't. Nope, this 'man' left me, unable to get out
of bed and in more pain physically and emotionally than
I'd ever been in in my life, in the hospital and left to
go back to his apartment over an hour away with his
Mother and the woman he was still 'engaged' to. Oh, and
yes, he and that woman did indeed do what all of you are
thinking there is no way any decent human being would do
considering what had transpired that day...
I spent the rest of that day and the
entire night alternately in tears, asleep, or on the
phone to the NICU checking on my daughter's progress. My
ex did not call to check on either of us the entire
night. As I found out later, he had been 'busy' all night
apparently. At one point during the night I remember
getting up to use the restroom and almost passing out
from the pain. I had to call a nurse to help me get back
to my bed. This was literally the worst point and at the
same time the most wonderful time in my life. Wonderful
because I had my beautiful daughter who was fighting
every minute to live and grow and become the wonderful
kid she is today. I didn't realize just how blessed I
truly was.
I will gloss over the next few years
because I don't much care to relive the hell I was put
through by my ex. I married him in October of 1994 in
what has been officially dubbed the dumbest thing I've
ever done. He was an abusive monster. He neglected
Carolynn to such extremes that had he been turned in, I
know I would have lost my daughter because of it. One
incident that stands out clearly in my mind was a morning
that I got up and got ready for work. I put Carolynn in
her highchair and gave her breakfast while my ex was in
the living room watching TV. I then went to work for my 8
hour shift. When I got home from work, Carolynn was STILL
in her highchair, with the nasty dregs of her breakfast
on her tray while my ex was asleep on the sofa. He had
literally slept ALL DAY. Anything could have happened to
Carolynn in that time and he would have been completely
oblivious. This is the sort of person he is. His needs
and his wants and his feelings are the ONLY thing that
matter to him. Now you are all thinking, 'Oh my god...
how could you stay with someone like that?' The answer
is, I was afraid to be on my own. I was stupid and I put
my daughter in harms' way because of my actions. I regret
that more than anyone will ever know.
Finally in October of 2000, for my
birthday, I gave myself the best gift anyone has ever
gotten me. I filed for Divorce from the monster I had
been married to for 6 years. This was the second best
thing that had ever happened to me. The first of course
being the birth of my daughter. My ex left a few days
later to move to Indiana with a woman he met in an
'adult' chatroom on Yahoo. As far as I know, they are
still living together. She supports him financially as
she lives on disability payments that she gets for
herself and her two brothers. My ex is ordered to pay $13
per week in Child Support which is being paid by his Mom
because he is not responsible enough to even do that much
for my daughter.
My ex has had no contact with Carolynn for
over 2 years now and has not sent her either Christmas or
Birthday cards or even an email in that time as well. He
professes to love Carolynn, yet he is the textbook
example of a Deadbeat Dad to the point of not even
spelling her name correctly on his website.
Ok, so we are jumping ahead to post
October 2000. Life without the ex around was better than
I could have imagined. Yes we were financially
struggling, but the main stress producing factor in our
lives was finally gone. We were broke but happier than we
had ever been. My Divorce was final in April of 2001 and
I was finally free to find happiness in my personal life
as well as being happy in my role as Carolynn's Mom.
I was an active poster in a newsgroup
devoted to, of all things, Professional Wrestling. Yes, I
admit it, I love Pro Wrestling. Not the WWE stuff that
they shove at us now, but the old WCW wrestling. The
Pre-Vince Russo era WCW... Russo came in and ruined
everything that was enjoyable about the programming and
in short order, WCW folded and was bought by the WWF/WWE.
That was the day that Pro Wrestling in America died.
Anyway, to get away from my Anti-McMahon ramblings, I had
developed some close friendships with several of the
posters in the newsgroup. We decided to splinter off into
our own Yahoo Egroup. In this group I had the opportunity
to meet one of the most creative, intelligent, wonderful
guys in the world...
His screen name was Varjay and that is the
only way I knew him for a long time. Then, during the
Summer of 2001, he decided to take a roadtrip and visit
some of us from the group in real-life. He headed out
from his home in Southern Alabama and made a stop in
Nashville to visit a couple of our people. From there it
was on to the U.P. to stay with Carolynn and I for a
week. That week was awesome. And short... MUCH too short.
He headed back to Alabama after a week, stopping in
Southern Michigan to visit another member of our group
and then back to Nashville to see our other friends again
before getting home. He was home for approximately a
month and a half before he had packed up his belongings
and moved to the Upper Peninsula to be with Carolynn and
I full time.
Varjay (or Dan as we all know him now) and
I were married on August 16, 2002 in a small ceremony at
the Courthouse. Carolynn picked the wedding day and it
was sort of funny that she chose the Anniversary of Elvis
Presley's death. Now a day that was so sad for so many
people across the world, was about to become the next
happiest day of my life! :)
Dan and I have been married now for almost
a year and a half as of this writing. We've gone through
some rough spots, but not once have I ever considered
life without being beside him. I think he must be a saint
to put up with me sometimes though. I'm sick a lot with
my kidney troubles and arthiritis and headaches. Some
days I'm in so much pain that the thought of getting up
in the morning just doesn't seem possible. I get really
grumpy with him but I love him with my whole heart.
Dan isn't just the greatest husband in the
world... he is the most wonderful Father a child could
want. He loves Carolynn as though she were his own, and
the sentiment is reciprocated 1000x's over. You can see
it in her face when she looks at Dan. He IS her Father
and she doesn't even think about my ex at all.
Those times she does mention him, it is to
say things like, 'Remember the time Micheal (yes that is
the way his name is spelled... I suppose it is no wonder
he messed up the spelling of Carolynn's name) made you
cry?' or 'Remember when Micheal made me go all day with
no food and water because I didn't clean my room?' (Yes,
that did happen... She was FOUR at the time. I was in
school all day and when I got home Carolynn told me she
hadn't had breakfast or lunch and my ex proudly
proclaimed that she was not going to eat or drink
anything until her room was clean... Nice Father material
eh?).
Carolynn finally has the Dad that she
deserves and has desperately needed her whole life. Our
lives are going to be just fine now no matter what
financial difficulties, health issues, or grumpiness crop
up. We have each other and that is what is important. :)
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