DSP -- About Jessie

Hi All,

I delurked a couple months back with just a line or two, and a story. I've added a few comments here and there since, but I guess I haven't really done a proper delurk.

It doesn't come as easily for me as it seems to for some others, who seem to open their whole heart and soul in a single first post. I've found it easier to reveal myself with fiction - it's safer, more controlled. I was burned pretty badly, the last time I really opened myself up to someone new. I know that lots of people can say the same thing and I only mention it as a way of letting you know how difficult I find this, and why, sometimes, if I'm approached, I back off. It's nothing personal, just me taking a few deep breaths and trying to figure out what to do next.

I grew up in an east coast city and I was never spanked as a child; I was neglected and rejected for the most part. At our Catholic school, I never heard of anyone being spanked. The nuns and teachers preferred to pull hair and beat knuckles with stacks of rulers and tell the kids how worthless they were. Being fairly quiet, I didn't have much direct abuse hurled at me except for my second grade teacher, who took a real disliking to me and dragged me down the hall by the hair once and slammed my head against the blackboard. They got away with it because kids didn't tell back then. I'm forty.

I never fantasized about being disciplined by parents or teachers or anyone I knew, but always by imaginary characters and characters from books. I've been a voracious reader since the day I learned how. Spanking scenes in childhood books drew me in right away. When I was around eleven or so, I fantasized about being dominated by this boy I had a crush on. I knew nothing of sex, so it never went that way, but I imagined myself obeying his orders, kneeling at his feet, and other boys envying him and wanting me for themselves. I grew up feeling like nobody wanted me and in my fantasies, everyone wanted me and I was the center of attention.

In real life, I was spanked for the first time at nineteen. In the front seat of a cop car by a uniformed cop while I...er...performed a sexual act on him. It started suddenly and without my expecting it and I was hooked. But I was too shy about such things and too embarrassed by the urge to ever ask anyone to spank me again. So, it's only happened a few times since. I'm over that 'shyness' now, by the way, and wouldn't have a relationship which didn't satisfy that side of myself. But my fantasies have always been rampant, and have run the gamut from age play to serious domination and pain.

The age play stuff doesn't interest me as much any more. (Only sometimes.) Nor do I imagine that I could ever give anyone the right to punish me for real. I've just been through and overcome too damn much to think that anyone else could make that kind of judgement for me. I want to be spanked, not because someone else has decided I deserve it, but because I need that sensation. I want to feel the control temporarily ripped away from me. I want to feel the vulnerability. I want to feel that someone is that focused on me. I want to feel. Know what I mean? I want to really, really feel.

I wouldn't want serious pain. But I want enough so that my reaction to it is not colored by thoughts or worries or anything but pure feeling. A kind of physical reaching into the storehouse of emotion. A kind of cleansing.

I'm a very sense-driven person. I can sit and watch leaves fall for hours, losing all desire for anything else. I once ate smoked salmon beside a woodfire and could taste the fire in the salmon and it almost made me weep. Beethoven's music leaves me wiped out, sprawled on the couch, unable to do anything or think about anything. And, sexually, I seek the same sort of experience: to be so stirred by a lulling voice, a soft touch followed by a fierce grasp I can't escape, soft hair on a hard chest, a symphony of sensations that knocks me to my knees, my mouth watering, my cheek soft against a slowly wakening cock, my breath coming in small whimpers, acting on my impulses, the yearnings of my senses, doing what comes naturally, under the masterful orchestration of someone who knows who I am and what I need and who needs his part of the experience just as much.

I also fantasize about other people being spanked, which is a fairly new thing for me. Not putting myself in their place. Maybe even being the spanker, but I'm not sure if I want that to be anything more than fantasy. If I see a young man with a real boyish look, I sometimes imagine him being spanked. Also imagine spanking or being spanked by females, which is also fairly new.

Anyhow, I guess that's as much as I want to say just now. I'll try to have some more stories out soon. Thanks for the open forum.

Jessie