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I HAD TO GO PICK UP THE PICTURES THAT THE HOSPITAL TOOK OF MICHAEL AT THE HOSPITAL. THE COMPANY WOULDN'T SEND THEM TO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I HAD LOST HIM. IT WAS UP TO THE HOSPITAL AS TO WHETHER THEY THOUGHT I SHOULD GET THEM OR NOT. DWAYNE WAITED IN THE CAR FOR ME, BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD JUST RUN IN GET THEM AND BE RIGHT BACK OUT. IT DIDN'T WORK OUT THAT WAY. I WAS TOLD INSIDE THAT I HAD TO GET THEM AT THE NURSERY. I THOUGHT OKAY, I CAN DO THIS. IT WON'T BE THAT HARD. I WENT TO THE NURSERY, RANG THE BELL AND IT SEEMED ALL AT ONCE, I HEARD ALL THE BABY'S CRYING. I STOOD AND WAITING FOR A LITTLE WHILE, CRYING . THEN I LEFT, I WENT TO THE CAR AND TOLD DWAYNE WHAT HAPPENED AND HE GOT THEM FOR ME. I ALSO HAD A HARD TIME GETTING A BIRTH AND DEATH CERTIFICATE. FOR SOME REASON THE STATE COULDN'T FIND IT AND THE HOSPITAL SAID THEY SUBMITTED IT. THE STATE KEPT SAYING NO BIRTH CERTIFICATE WAS SUBMITTED, MEANING HE WASN'T BORN ALIVE. I KEPTT TELLING THEM THAT HE WAS ALIVE, THAT HE JUST DIED SHORTLY AFTER. FINALLY I GOT IT STRAIGHTENED OUT. SOMEHOW IT HAD BEEN MISPLACED. I READ A LOT ABOUT LOSING A BABY AND THEY SAY THAT LOSING A CHILD, CAN EITHER BRING A COUPLE CLOSER OR TEAR THEM APART. IT HAS DEFINATLEY BROUGHT DWAYNE AND I CLOSER. HE IS MY BEST FRIEND. THERE WERE MANY OF DAYS, THAT I WOULD JUST CRY AND CRY AND CRY AND THAT WAS PERFECTLY OKAY WITH HIM. ALTHOUGH HE HASN'T CRIED LIKE I HAVE, HE'S HAD HIS MOMENTS WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT MICHAEL AND LETS THINGS OUT. I KNOW I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THIS WITHOUT HIM. THERE WERE DAY'S WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD HAVE ENDED MY LIFE. I WOULD GET UP IN THE MORNING, GO TO THE SHOWER AND CRY. THAT WAS MY ROUTINE FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS. THEN THE DAY WOULD JUST GET WORSE FROM THERE. I HAD A 45 MINUTE COMMUTE TO WORK EVERYDAY, THE WHOLE WAY THERE AND HOME, HE WAS ALL THAT WAS ON MY MIND. IT REALLY TOOK OVER AND CONSUMED MY LIFE. THERE WERE MY REALLY BAD DAYS WHEN I THOUGHT IF I JUST DRIVE MY CAR OVER THIS CLIFF, I CAN END ALL THIS PAIN AND BE WITH MICHAEL. I HAD THOSE KIND OF DAYS QUITE A BIT FOR A WHILE. I NEVER GOT HELP FOR IT. MAYBE I WAS ACTUALLY TO BIG OF A CHICKEN TO DO IT; BUT I SURE THOUGHT OF IT A LOT . DWAYNE WOULD TALK TO ME ABOUT IT; BUT NEVER PRESSURED ME TO GET HELP OR DO ANYTHING I DIDN'T WANT TO. HE JUST KEEP TELLING ME HOW MANY PEOPLE I WOULD HURT IF SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAPPEN. HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME. WE TALKED A LOT. I DON'T HAVE THOSE KINDS OF DAYS ANYMORE. I STILL HAVE BAD DAYS, WHERE SOMETHING WILL REMIND ME OF HIM AND I'LL CRY; BUT THEY ARE GETTING FEWER AND FARTHER BETWEEN. I NEVER JOINDED ANY SUPPORT GROUP, ALTHOUGH I WISH I HAD. WE LIVE IN SUCH A REMOTE AREA, THAT THE CLOSEST ONE WAS ALMOST AN HOUR AWAY. I DID A LOT OF PRAYING, FOR HELP IN GETTING STRONGER AND DEALING WITH MY LOSS. I HAD NEVER VIEWED MYSELF AS BEING VERY RELIGOUS. I BELIEVED IN GOD AND TRIED TO LIVED A DECENT LIFE; BUT NEVER TOOK IT TO EXTREMES. SOMEHOW, I FEEL MORE FAITHFUL NOW THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE. I CAN ONLY TRUST THAT THERE WAS A REASON FOR MICHAEL GETTING AN EARLY TICKET TO HEAVEN. A REASON I DON'T KNOW OR UNDERSTAND, SO I HAVE TO LEAVE IN SOMEONE ELSES HANDS. AROUND THE ANNIVERSARY OF MICHAELS FIRST BIRTHDAY AND DEATH DAY, I GOT REAL NERVOUS AND ANXIOUS. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT OR HOW I WAS GOING TO REACT. I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO MAKE A BIG FUSS OVER MY BIRTHDAY. IT WILL JUST NEVER BE THE SAME FOR ME . WE HAD A DINNER AT OUR HOUSE FOR THE FAMILY AND A CANDLELIGHTING AT THE CEMETARY. MY MOM FLEW IN FROM TEXAS AND MY DAD AND SISTER CAME DOWN FROM OHIO. IT WASN'T AS BAD AS I HAD ANTICIPATED. THE WORSE PART WAS THE NOT KNOWING HOW I WAS GOING TO REACT. THE NIGHT I HAD MICHAEL, WAS THE NIGHT OUR TOWN HAD THEIR TRICK OR TREAT NIGHT. DWAYNE'S NEPHEW, TODD, WHO IS TEN, DIDN'T GET TO GO THAT NIGHT, BECAUSE HE WAS AT THE HOSPITAL. WELL, THE NEXT YEAR, I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN. HE SAID HE COULDN'T GO TRICK OR TREATING BECAUSE IT WAS MICHAELS BIRTHDAY. MY HEART WAS BOTH BROKEN AND HAPPY ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I WAS SAD THAT HE THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE TO MISS TRICK OR TREATING(IT WAS ON ANOTHER NIGHT, SO HE WAS ABLE TO GO ANYHOW); BUT I WAS HAPPY THAT HE GOT TO SHARE THOSE MOMENTS IN THE HOSPITAL WITH MICHAEL AND THAT HE REMEMBERED HIM. THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR. I FEAR THAT EVERYONE WILL FORGET HIM. I KNOW I NEVER WILL; BUT I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO EITHER. I HAVE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF THIS YEAR AND A HALF. I LOVE MY SON AND WISH I COULD BE WITH HIM EVERYDAY; BUT IF THERE IS SOME GOOD THAT COMES OUT OF BAD, THEN IT IS I HAVE REALIZED WHO I AM, I AM NOT AS STRONG AS I THOUGHT I WAS OR WOULD LIKE TO BE. BEING A STRONGER PERSON IS SOMETHING I KNOW I NEED TO WORK ON. I NOW FEEL MY LIFE HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER. I STRIVED EVERYDAY NOW TO TRY AND LIVE A GOOD LIFE, BECAUSE ONE DAY I WANT BE WITH HIM AGAIN. FOR NOW, HIS GREATGRANDPA PAYNE, ROGERS, AND STAMPER; AND GREATGRANDMA RADER, ROGERS, AND STAMPER WILL HAVE TO WATCH OVER HIM FOR ME. FOR A LONG TIME AFTER LOSING MICHAEL, I WOULDN'T EVEN DARE THINK ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD. I FELT SOMEHOW, I WOULD BE BETRAYING HIM. I NOW LOOK FORWARD TO HAVING ANOTHER BABY....SOMEDAY. IT WON'T BE IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE. DWAYNE AND I HAVE SET A DATE TO GET MARRIED NOW, WE WILL FIRST GET THROUGHH THAT AND THEN THINK ABOUT IT. THINGS ARE VERY DIFFERNT NOW. I MISS MICHAEL MORE THAN ANYTHING; BUT I AM AT PEACE WITH THINGS. I CRY WHEN I NEED TO AND THINK ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY. I STILL CAN'T BE REAL CLOSE TO LITTLE ONE'S WITHOUT HURTING INSIDE; BUT I AM GETTING BETTER. I JUST TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. |
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