Title:  Captain
Rating:  PG
Author:  Nine - ninthsaturn@yahoo.com
Summary:  Captain Kirk's a little miffed that suddenly he's not the first historical captain of a Starfleet ship named Enterprise.
Note:  This little parody was inspired by someone's thread at www.trekbbs.com suggesting Captain Kirk was jealous that Captain Archer was the first captain of an Enterprise.  (My handle there is SlaveOfArcher, if you wanna say hey.)
Disclaimers:  I don't own any of these characters or people, but I would looooove to own Jonathan Archer.
Websites:  Ninth Saturn - http://oocities.com/ninthsaturn  Someone To Watch Over Me - http://oocities.com/docseven2000

**

Deep within the dark bowels of space, shadowed in the wake of an anomaly and back dropped by the calm starry beauty of the Milky Way, sat a ship and on board her captain, James Tiberious Kirk.  Upon the bridge, sat he, biting his knuckle in annoyance.  He raised his fist as if to break the silence with one majestic proclamation, and then settled again, only to be tormented in silence by the heavy thoughts that weighed on his mind.  "Captain," said the contemplative voice of his faithful friend Spock.  "May I ask what's bothering you?"

Kirk leaned forward and took a replying breath, only to sit back and slam his fist against his armrest.  "Damn it, Spock.  Just damn it!"  Spock raised a speculative eyebrow.

Witty and curious, Doctor McCoy bent down to examine his friend.  "Maybe if you explained whatever it is that's bothering you, we could do somethin' about it instead of you sitting here, wallowing like a baby."

Kirk gave his friend a withering look and spread his hands.  "What can I say, Bones?  Frankly, I'm annoyed."

Chekov turned from his place and gazed upon his long time friend, concern written in his warm eyes.  "Keptin, vhat is it you are annoyed vith, Sir?  Peerheps ve could assist you vith it?"

Kirk shifted his weight in his chair, looking over the faces of his close friends.  "It's just that damn Archer!" he spat, like the breath of hell had been wedged within his body.  He balled his fist and stared forth, fury in his eyes as he hissed, "I will make him pay for what he's done!"

Bones groaned, rolling his eyes and folding his arms.  He exchanged an annoyed glance with Spock.  "You know, you don't have to be quite so dramatic about all of this," he noted, shrugged.  "I know you're miffed that Picard went back in time, giving Cochran the idea of naming the first Starfleet vessel Enterprise, by which Captain Archer took your place as the first captain of an Enterprise, but damn it, Jim, it's just not that big a deal."

Kirk drew himself up and preened slightly.  "Thanks," he said dryly.  "Nice to know I've got support.  And who the hell is 'Picard'?"  Kirk looked around warily.

McCoy eyed his friend, then looked away for a second.  "And what would you have us do about this other captain?  Pull his pants down and spank him?"

Uhura perked up at this.  "What's this Archer look like, anyhow?"

Kirk raised a finger, grinning ever so devilishly.  "Why, Uhura," he breathed, staring ahead at the view screen.  "He looks like....this!"  Jamming his finger onto the button, the startling image of a smiling man holding a beagle appeared and the room gasped.

Everyone winced and blocked their ears.  "Damn it, Jim!" Bones shouted.  "Turn that damn music off!"  The room had been filled with loud slasher music.

Kirk pursed his lips.  "I thought it added effect," he sulked.  Taking a deep breath, he took the picture down.  He gazed at the screen that had bore the image of his hated enemy, trying to decide what he wanted to do about this little situation.  "My fame snatched away and at the height of my career of all times.  Damn luck."

Bones took in the sight of his friend, hurt and bothered.  "Dramatic."

Spock stepped forth, hands behind his back.  "Captain, if I may suggest, perhaps you would like to do something about this."

Kirk pouted a little.  "What?"

Uhura got excited.  "Let's petition Starfleet to change history!"

Spock coughed and eyed her.  "Close, but I was leaning towards altering history ourselves."

Widening his eyes, Bones sputtered, "Are you two of your minds?"

The Vulcan looked to the Doctor, his eyes keen.  "We are not above time travel as we've proven many times in the past.  As Jim's first officer and friend I feel it my duty to point out all courses of action when he is faced with a problem."

"Hee haw, Spock," McCoy hissed.  "And tell me, Great Friend, did you also inform him that he could just get over it?"

Spock remained calm.  "Knowing Captain Kirk as both you and I do, it would be illogical for me to figure that resolution into the possible courses of action."

Kirk shifted irritably in his seat.  Could they truly not see how important this was to him?  Still, Spock was onto something.  "All right, you two.  I've had enough of this.  Mr. Spock, your suggestion is well taken.  Mr. Chekov, get us to the twenty-second century."

Chekov turned and smiled.  "Any particular vey, Keptin?  Loop around the sun peerheps?  Maybe you vould like me to vhip up a tempeeral wortex?"

Getting annoyed again, Kirk waved him off.  "Any old way will do, Mouth."

Chekov's eyes filled with horror.  "Sir!  You cannot suggest leaving such a deceesion to me?!  You're the keptin!"

"Oh fine," Kirk drawled.  "Temporal vortex it is."

Chekov cracked his fingers.  "An exceelent choice, Sir.  It's vhat I vas hoping you'd say."

Shaking his head and groaning, Kirk sank into his chair in despair, his only hope being to find and annihilate this fiend, this jerk, this...this...Jonathan Archer.

**

Jonathan Archer sat upon his bridge, smiling dazedly and petting his little puppy.  "It's been a long roaaad," he sang softly, "gettin' from there to heeere.  It's been a looong time, but my time is finally heeere."

T'Pol wrung her hands out of his sight, irritated beyond sanity by his cheerful demeanor and moreso by that damned song.  "Humans," she hissed to herself.  She winced when his voice broke.  It always broke when he began the chorus, and he always, always went back to try it again.  "Sir!" she finally shouted.

Archer looked at her and smiled.  "What can I do you for?" he asked slyly.  He knew she despised human double talk.

She forced herself to relax a little.  "I was going to suggest that you perhaps would enjoy singing another one of Earth's time honored ballads."

He nodded.  "Good suggestion.  Noted."  He cleared his throat.  "'Cause I got faaaith....faaaith."  Archer rolled his eyes.  "I've got faaaith of the heaaart."

Reed chuckled, polishing a long barreled phaser rifle.  "You'll never get it right, Sir."

Archer turned, his eyes smiling.  "Of course I will, Malcolm.  I've got faith."  He scratched through his dog's fur.  "Porthos likes my song, don't you, Puppy?"

The dog whimpered and set his head down on his Daddy's knee, looking ahead in token sad doggie fashion.  Suddenly Hoshi gasped.  "Sir..."

Jonathan got up from his chair, leaving the dog in his seat.  "It's okay, Hoshi.  Just tell me.  It will probably feel better when you get it out."  He gazed at her with puppy dog eyes.

Hoshi swallowed.  "Captain, a ship is coming out of warp."  Her face then broke into a huge smile.  "Wow, Captain, you were right!  It is better once it's out in the open!"

Archer grinned knowingly and rubbed his hands together excitedly.  "Open a channel."

T'Pol stepped forward, her hands behind her back.  "Captain, I feel it necessary to point out to you that rash decisions such as these have almost always ended with tragic consequences.  For example, when you made first contact with the people of Betazed.  Six crewmen nearly bruised their knees.  I strongly urge you to simply back away slowly."

Jonathan looked at his first officer defiantly.  "T'Poooool.  You're always trying to ruuuiiiin myyyy fuuuun."  He crossed his arms.  "Well, you've got another thing coming if you think I'm going to back away from every adventure that awaits us.  No Ma'am.  Open that channel, Hoshi."

Hoshi smirked at the Vulcan.  "Channel open," she said, sticking her tongue out.  T'Pol returned the gesture.

Archer smiled warmly as the amused face appeared on screen.  Strange, he almost seemed Human.  "Hello.  I'm Captain Jonathan Archer of the Starship Enterprise.  We are on a mission of peace and exploration, sent out by a planet called Earth.  It is our fondest hope that by meeting you we could..."

The man turned to another on the bridge...a Vulcan!  "Do the history books say he talked this much?  Cut his audio until I say what needs to be said."  Archer closed his mouth, thoroughly wounded.  His eyes shone with hurt as he waited for this rude man to begin talking.  And what was that stuff about history books?  The Human looking man turned back, removing a pair of reading glasses.  He smiled as if to ask, 'You don't need me to tell you why I'm gonna blast you into oblivion, do you?'  He leaned forward dramatically, opened his mouth and paused a moment.  "I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise.  I've traveled back through time on a mission to, well to be frank with you, Johnny, I've come to blow your ass to Hell for taking my place in history as the first captain of a Starfleet ship named Enterprise."  Kirk leaned forward again, finally slipping off his chair.  "Damn," he muttered, pulling himself quite laboriously back up.  "So, do you have anything to say for yourself?"

Jonathan took a breath and placed his hands on his hips.  "I'd hoped that this would be a peaceful meeting, but I can see that it isn't."

"What?  What the hell are you saying?" Kirk asked, then shot a glance at a woman nearby.  "Get his audio back online stat!"

"Audio on, Captain," a soft voice said.

Archer rolled his eyes and swallowed.  "I said, it's a shame we can't get along, Captain Kirk.  I'd like to know why you're out to get me."

Kirk looked surprised and annoyed.  "Weren't you listening?  I said you took my place as the first captain of an Enterprise!"

"I heard you, Captain.  But," Archer shrugged.  "I just don't see what the big deal is.  Have I not always been the first captain of an Enterprise, if you are as you say, from the future?"

Kirk gaped.  "Big deal?  You...he doesn't see the big deal?"  James sat up quickly, looking cautiously at the floor first.  "There's a bit of question as to exactly where you came from, Archer, but I can assure you that you were most certainly not the first captain of an Enterprise.  I was!"  Kirk's anger flared and he pounded his fist on the arm rest of his chair.   "Me!  Me!  Me!  And you are going to suffer for this!  Get him off the screen!"

Archer gazed at the screen a moment, then, "I don't think that man likes me."

"Truly, you must be kidding," T'Pol replied dryly.

Archer turned on his heel and bit his cheek.  "So say it.  Tell me you told me so."

T'Pol gazed ahead calmly.  "Under the circumstances stating the obvious would be ineffective and crude."

"Uh huh." the Captain said, turning his back to her, then whirling around to make sure she were staying quiet.  True to her word, she did.

Until he turned around again.  "But I did tell you, Sir, and as usual you did not listen."

Archer sat down in his command chair, miffed and bothered.  "I listened," he muttered, pouting.  "I just didn't do what you wanted."  Suddenly the ship rocked.  "Mr. Reed lock onto that ship and fire."

"Aye," Reed replied as the ship violently lurched again.  "Firing."  He shook his head.  "Torpedoes are having little to no effect, Sir."

"Tucker to Cap'n Archer!" came a very distressed voice over the comm.  "Sir, we're takin' quite a beatin'.  I don't think Enterprise can handle much more of this.  Hull stress at 45%!"

"Cripes," Archer whispered, standing.  "Reed, keep firing.  T'Pol, take Porthos to an escape pod.  Hoshi, open a channel."

T'Pol stormed to Archer's chair and grabbed the dog, muttering, "Of all the demeaning and pointless..."

"Channel open.  Audio only," Hoshi announced.

Archer clasped his hands.  "Captain Kirk, can't we talk about this?"

"NO!" the voice boomed, making Enterprise NX-01's crew block their ears.  "You're starting to get scared, aren't you, Archer?"

"Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?" Jonathan yelled back.

Kirk took a long, deep breath.  "I AM JAMES T. KIRK!  I AM THE BEGINNING!  Whole societies have built their culture around ME, Archer, and I'm not gonna have all my efforts laid to waste because some silly ass hot shot decided to try and steal my thunder."

"What?!" Archer exclaimed, totally bewildered.  "Your thunder ?  You seriously need some sort of pill, Kirk."

Reed swallowed.  "Sir, I hate to tell you this at such a time, but Captain, Porthos' pod has been destroyed."

Archer turned, anger flared.  "What?!?  Porthos is...gone?"

"DEAD," Kirk yelled in triumph.  "I just barbecued his furry little ass!"

Captain Jonathan Archer stumbled back, sitting on his chair.  "Porthos," he whimpered, wiping his cheeks.  "My little doggie."

T'Pol returned and eyed her captain.  Reed calmly explained.  She went to him.  "Captain," she said softly.

"I can't take your mean words right now, T'Pol.  Please don't start," he answered.

She blinked a few times and crouched.  Drawing his hands away from his face, she looked into his eyes.  "I was merely going to tell you to kick Captain Kirk's ass, Sir."

Archer's eyes widened and he stumbled off his chair and crawled backwards.  "T'Pol?  What have you done with her?  What have you done with my first officer?!  Noooooooooo!"

She shook her head.  Folding her arms, she sighed.  "You will never listen to me, will you, Captain Archer?  This will be your undoing if you don't change."

He smiled and got to his feet.  "Welcome back, T'Pol.  Mr. Reed, any of those torpedoes hitting their target?"

Reed shook his head.  "Not a single one, Sir."

Jonathan smiled sadly.  "Well, if Enterprise is going down, she'll go down fighting at least.  Keep firing!  Work on repairs!  Evasive maneuvers!  Get me some cheese!"

**

James cackled madly, staring in blazing happiness as the Enterprise NX-01 exploded, killing her crew and especially Jonathan Archer.  Silence hung in the air heavily  as they watched the debris spread across the starry field.  James T. Kirk arose from his chair and made a fist, lifting his hand and valiantly saying, "Yes!"

Bones rolled his eyes.  Looking at his friend and then to Spock he said, "What did I say?  Dramatic.  Dra-ma-tic."

Chekov faced Kirk in joy.  "Enterprise is toast, Sir."

Spock stepped forward, his unequaled Vulcan calm still undisturbed.  "Mission successful, Captain.  Do you feel better?"

Sitting back down, Kirk rubbed the back of his neck and considered the conflicting emotions swirling within.  Shrugging, he replied, "Hell yeah.  Let's go home."

Suddenly, Chekov gasped.  "Sir!  There is some sort of wortex appearing and two wessels are emerging!  Sir, it's the Enterprise NX and some really really large ship!"

"On screen," Kirk hissed, thoroughly unamused that this was going to be harder than he'd imagined.  "What the...?" he said, staring at the larger of the ships.

"Sir," Uhura said softly, looking to her captain.  "We're being hailed by that really big ship.  They're asking for a joint session with Enterprise NX."

Rolling his eyes, Kirk waved his hand and nodded.  "Open the damn channel."

"Channel open, Sir."

**

"This better be damn good," Captain James T. Kirk said over the comm, his voice filling Enterprise E's bridge.  

Jean-Luc Picard pulled himself from his chair and straightened his uniform.  Sniffing boredly, he said, "Captain Kirk, Captain Archer, this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D."

"Yoooou," Kirk breathed with his vengeance hungry voice.  "You're the one responsible for this whole big mess.  If it hadn't been for you telling that damn Cochran the name of your ship then my place in history wouldn't have been disturbed."

Picard frowned at the black viewscreen.  "I didn't start it, the Borg did.  Blame them."  He pulled at his uniform.

"What's a Borg?" Archer asked, leaping into the conversation.

"Hush up, Archer," Kirk retorted meanly.  "Who cares?  The point is I am now gonna have to blast both of you to Hell."

Worf chuckled much at this.  "Highly unlikely."

All was silent a long and tense moment, then Kirk asked, "Why do you care, Picard?"

This was the question Picard had been waiting for.  He could barely wait to deliver the response.  "Because, Kirk," he said very gravely.  "I want to be the first captain for a while."

Everyone got silent yet again.  Picard smiled to himself as finally, Archer broke in with a query all his own.  "Does this mean you're going to kill me too?"

Kirk didn't give Picard time to answer.  "Why bother bringing Archer back at all?" he asked in exasperation.

A hand touched Jean-Luc's shoulder.  "Captain, I'm sensing much confusion and anger on Captain Kirk's end.  Captain Archer just wants this to be a peaceful meeting.  And he's sad about his doggie," Troi informed.  "Kill them both and be done with it.  Then you and I can..."

Riker gave her a sharp look.  "Can what, Deana?  You and Captain Picard can what?"  He leaned forward in his chair.

"Will," she said innocently, shrugging her shoulders.  Deana then leered at Picard.  "It's just sexy, him taking over like this."

"Damn," Kirk breathed into the comm.  "Uhura, you never said anything like that to me."

Rolling his eyes, Riker flung his arms up.  "It's all about having a ship of his own, isn't it?"

Troi smiled gently.  "Well, why should I settle for his shadow when I could have him?"  She winced at Riker's face.

Picard chortled at Riker's disgusted sigh.  "Back to the situation at hand.  Yes, Captain Archer," he answered.  "I'm going to kill you and I brought you back for that express purpose.  To enjoy myself.  To Hell with duty!  Ha ha!"  He turned, pulling at his uniform shirt.  "Mr. Worf, you may fire at will."

"It's a good day to die!" Worf gushed, grabbing a phaser and leaping from his console and to the command area.  He grinned, shooting madly at Riker.

"No!" Will yelled, running from the bridge.

Picard frowned and looked heavenward.  "Mr. Data, would you be so kind as to blast both Kirk and Archer to Hell?"

"Aye," Data answered, moving from the helm.  When he got there, he cocked his head in wonderment.  "Sir, there is another ship approaching.  It will be here in 5.33564573422 seconds."

Picard swallowed and looked towards the viewer.  "On screen."

**

"Petty, petty, petty," Kathryn Janeway said to herself, licking her lips and shaking her head at the little scene going on.  She looked at her shaking hand as a drop of hot coffee spilled over the edge of her cup and onto her lap.

"Captain, all three ships agree to join Voyager's comm channel," Harry Kim reported nervously.

Janeway took a breath and stretched.  "Audio on."

"On, Ma'am," Kim replied.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of Voyager.  I was meddling around with time again and noticed this.  What's going on?" she breathed.

"Finally," a voice said, clearly relieved.  "I'm Captain Jonathan Archer and these two nut heads are fighting over who is going to be the first captain of a Starfleet ship named Enterprise!  Can you please help before me and my crew get killed?"

"Quit whining and accept your fate," Kirk spat venomously.

Picard spoke next.  "Take your own medicine, Kirk.  I have the most powerful ship here and I will be the first after I take care of Rachel Garret and the others."

Janeway sighed.  "You know, all this talk of Enterprises annoys me.  I'm thoroughly sick of hearing of ships named Enterprise.  Voyager, now there is a name. Captain Kirk, I cannot allow you to murder Captain Archer.  Captain Picard, I cannot allow you to murder anyone either.  I know you guys are a little angry at the moment and frankly I don't care, so please just back off each other."

There was a pause before Kirk broke the silence.  "Are you gonna let her talk that way to us, Jean-Luc?"

"Absolutely not!" Picard replied, feathers ruffled.  "Data, fire!"

Janeway leaned back and grinned as Enterprise E fired.  "Captain," Tuvok said calmly.  "Shields remain intact."

Kathryn sipped her coffee.  "God, I love time travel.  Thank yooou, Admiral Janeway.  Janeway to Seven of Nine."

"Seven of Nine here," responded the aloof and annoyed voice.  "What the hell do you want?"

Janeway ignored her attitude.  "Are those nano-probe torpedoes ready?"

Seven sighed into the comm.  "Yes, Captain.  Loaded and ready to be fired."

Grinning like a school girl, Janeway rubbed her hands together.  "Good-bye, Enterprises," she said, motioning for the channel to be cut off...

**

"I can't believe you two changed my story like that," Bill said in annoyance.  He leaned against his couch.  "Just a little therapeutic fic and what do you people do?"

Patrick snorted, reading the little notebook.  "Totally unrealistic," he said with a glance at Kate.  "Nice jammies."

She smiled and hugged her pillow to herself.  "Backatcha, Pat."

Scott sighed and grabbed some popcorn from a nearby bowl.  "Why does everyone have to kill me off?  I mean did you guys go after Avery like this?"

Kate yawned.  "Take a Leap, Scott."  She winked, then looked around.  "Where is he, anyway?"

Suddenly someone entered Shatner's living room.  Throwing his sleeping bag down and grinning, Avery sat down.  "Sorry I'm late."  He eyed Bakula.  "Welcome to the 'Captain's Circle', Scott."  Looking at the paper in Stewart's hands, he nodded.  "What's that?"

Patrick handed it over, laying back and removing his glasses.  "Bill's idea of great literature."

Avery skimmed it over and started laughing.  "You guys have it all wrong.  Space stations are where the action's at."

Bill stuck his tongue out and wrinkled his nose.  "You don't even have a Vulcan in your command crew.  Everyone knows real captains have Vulcans in their crew."

Patrick smirked, ignoring the age old stab.  "I have a Klingon.  That must make me better than even you, Bill."

"I have a Borg," Kate countered Stewart smartly.  "Must make me better."

Patrick shook his head.  "I was a Borg and I have an android."

Brooks disagreed as always.  "Shape shifter takes the cake."

Shatner waved them off.  "You people," he said, then shrugged.  "I started it all."

Scott watched the little argument, wondering exactly what he'd gotten himself into by entering this franchise.  At Bill's comment, he felt the need to respond, though every instinct told him to keep quiet.  "Well, you know, Bill," he began, grinning slyly.  "I was the first captain of an Enterprise."

Bill grinned back, clapping Bakula on the shoulder.  "Welcome aboard, Scott."