Dr. Abortion, aka the Doc from DC, aka the Physician on a Mission, aka the Prime Minister of Canada, aka new NGPW Commissioner (really – honest!) was chilling in Japan when he got the awesome invite to the February 2006 Bar Room Brawl. He was glad to get the invite, as he clearly knew that he would win based on his awesome BRB performance against the Disciple and Rude Girl exactly four years ago.

Dr. Abortion: Oh man, this is going to be so sweet. Total victory will be mine just like I won the last Bar Room Brawl I was involved in. Ah man. Wasn’t that viciously cool when I beat the Disciple and Rude Girl in the first round?

Charlize Theron: Uhm. I don’t remember THAT happening, Dr. Abortion. I seem to recall The Disciple actually winning the match and moving on to Round 2 instead of you. In fact, if I remember correctly, The Monk from SNS won the Barroom Brawl that month.

Dr. A: *hibbily-jibbily* WHAT?!?!

Dr. Abortion punches Charlize Theron right in the face. Jessica Alba walks up and drags her out of the room and continues the conversation in her place. Or maybe this doesn’t happen because Dr. Abortion’s brain is being ravaged by syphilis given to him in the July 2002 Evil vs. Evil event at Wrasslepalooza, where Prototype tainted lollypops with a super strain of weaponized syphilis engineered by Libyan Biological Warfare plants. Dr. Abortion tends to imagine a lot of things because of his advanced-stage neurosyphilis. Some would even call him bat**** insane.

Dr. A: Well, Dark Angel. I guess it’s time to head off to the Bar Room Brawl. What’s the theme this time around?

The theme, of course, is not a murder mystery. At least not yet. As stated by Stan Daniels, “In order to have the competitors in top condition, the EC decided to let the BRB participants take a little R&R with a generous (rich) fan in his mansion.”

Being in the mansion of the rich Mr. Boddy was not the initial BRB theme itself. Some other event was supposed to take place, and this was merely meant as some R&R beforehand.

Jessica Alba: Well, Doc. The BRB event is going to be me and you on a cruise boat making sweet love. Also on the cruise boat will be Kristin Kreuk, Eliza Dushku, Josie Maran, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson, Keira Knightly, Angelia Jolie, Anna Kournikova, Alyssa Milano, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Rachel Bilson, and Kate Beckinsale. Maybe they’ll join in!

Dr. A: Awesome! That’s the best ever.

Jessica Alba: I know. I bet you can’t wait for that gangbang!

Dr. A: Who cares about that? I was talking about Angelina Jolie. I can TOTALLY kick her in her pregnant stomach!!! Ahahaha.

Jessica Alba: Hrm… but before that it says we’re going to go to the mansion of some rich old guy named “Mr. Boddy” for some R&R.

Dr. A: That’s cool too. At least we know absolutely nothing could occur at that mansion, say a murder, which would change the BRB event from that ludicrously impossible and highly unlikely sex with famous actresses scenario that I had an imaginary woman that I am not really talking to explain to me, into some other type of less cool event like a murder mystery.

Dr. Abortion is leaning against a wall in the giant hallway of a mansion, surrounded by a mob of police, 11 other Wrassle stars, several distraught house servants, and a very, very dead corpse.

Officer Irish O’Stereotype: Faith and begorra! Nobody is leaving this house until we find the murderer!

Law Martin: We’re never going to get to the BRB event now!
(Easter Egg: Law Martin likes sex with underage girls)
Dr. A: I know. How am I going to have time to have sex with all those Hollywood starlets on the cruise ship if I’m late for boarding?!

Amp: What are you talking about, Dr. Abortion? That’s not the BRB event. The BRB event is-

Just then, a senior detective in an awesome brown trench coat walks up and interrupts the scene. The detective looks kind of familiar to Dr. Abortion, but he can’t quite place who he is. Almost as if he won’t remember until the last round of the BRB in an attempt to build an arching storyarc through all his rewrites and a mystery guaranteed to be revealed in the final round as part of a strategy to blackmail the judges into letting him advance so they can see the mystery unfold.

Detective Mystery Man: Officer O’Stereotype is right. Nobody here can leave until we figure out who the murderer is. Now we’re sure that this group accounts for all the people who were here before the police arrived?

Demonica Vile: Yeah, it was just us twelve Wrasslers with Stan Daniels. And we’re still all here.

Jeeves the Head Butler: And all staff of the house are accounted for as well. I can guarantee you that nobody else was in this house.

Detective: Well then, the officers and I just got done questioning all of the staff and Stan Daniels. They all have rock-solid alibis and none of them could have done it. Which means it had to have been one of you twelve wrasslers that is the murderer!

Wrasslers: *GASP*

Just then, the detective gets an urgent phone call.

Detective: What’s that sir? …Hrm. …Okay. …Right. …Go on. …Yes. …Well then! …Thank you!

Hank Hooligan: Oi! Whut was t’at?

Detective: The Police Union. Apparently we’re going on strike because our dental plan isn’t good enough. I guess that means you wrasslers are just going to have to investigate and solve the crime yourself.

Belzovia: WHAT?! We can’t do that!

Detective: Sure you can. You could, like, initially spit up into four convenient groups of three, venture into separate parts of the house, and search for clues. Then you can slowly start using evidence to eliminate wrassler suspects, and they’ll get sent out of the mansion as free men. Meanwhile, those of you that cannot eliminate yourselves as suspects will regroup and continue to investigate together until there are just two of you left.

TheBMan187: Oh come on, yo! We’re not trained police. We need help. At least help us by telling us what he was murdered with and where.
(Easter Egg: He says "yo" because he is a crappy character with numbers in his name)
Detective: Well, I’m afraid our investigation didn’t get that far yet. You guys are just going to have to figure out that stuff on your own.

Officer Irish O’Stereotype: He’s right. I’m sure you’ll do fine by yourselves. Besides, you can have the staff of the mansion and Stan Daniels to help coordinate all of your efforts. They’ve been cleared of guilt so I’m sure they can act as a fair neutral party!

Detective: Indeed. Don’t worry folks. I’ll check back on you all occasionally to see how you’re doing. Maybe. Toodles!

And thus all the policemen and detectives leave the house and the Wrasslers are left to solve this mystery by themselves. The cops slam the door shut behind them.

Everyone looks at each others and stares blankly. One of them is a murderer!

The silence is finally broken by…

Stan Daniels: Crikey mates, I’m sorry about this whole ordeal. The EC thought this would be a great reward for you guys in appreciation for your upcoming work at the BRB. But since we’re all going to be stuck here until this murder is solved, I guess we can’t go to it.

But then, a spark flickers in his eyes.

Stan Daniels: No wait! We can make THIS the Barroom Brawl. YES! Let’s solve this murder!

Dr. A: Awesome. I’m all for taking tragic and senseless brutal murders and transforming them into fun games.

Jeeves: And that Irish Cop guy said we could help organize things!

Hot Maid Chick: Ooo! And I always figured that if Mr. Boddy eventually got murdered we could conveniently solve his murder according to a color-coordinated name assignment system. Let’s do that.

Dr. A: Fantastic! YOU AND YOU… come with me!

He points at Deadman Inc and Payton. They gesture movements that imply “Who, us?!”

Dr. A: Yes, you two. I officially declare us to be “Team Awesome.” Let us swoosh off away from the rest of these losers and solve this mystery. TO THE BILLIARD ROOM!

Payton: But the body wasn’t anywhere near the Billiard Room. In fact, the Billiard Room is totally on the other side of the mansion. Why would there be clues there?

Dr. A: Because that’s exactly where the murderer wouldn’t expect us to look!

Deadman Inc: Are you sure? Because it sounds to me like you just want to play Billiards.

Dr. A: Of course not.

*shifty eyes*