Age: 27
Height: 6’3”
Weight: 235 lbs
Slamming Style: Naked
From: Oakland, CA Nudist Colony
Finishing Move:
“The Bare Bottom”
Also: “The New Degree” (pronounced “nude-igree”, like the Pedigree), Sapper is a Homo Suplex, Lateral Press
Entrance Music: “The Ballad of Naked Man” by the Butthole Surfers
Stables: Army of Darkness, Fleshie Junior Liberation Front, BobbyBob’s Allstars
Activation Date: 02/01/00
Feds: iAPWF (Feb – April 2000), CWO (May – Sept 2000), CWFe (Oct 2000 – CSlam Shutdown, March 2001?), UCE (Sept 2002), CWA (Sept – November 2002; May 2003- current), HCW (Dec 2002 – April 2003).
Nakedman is naked. This means that he does not wear any clothes. When he first came out in the iAPWF, fans were shocked and horrified, they turned their heads in disgust. Except for the chicks and gay guys. The announcers were nauseated, and desperately called for security. Apparently commish Maxx Justice wasn’t a fan either – because he immediately suspended Nakedman! But all was cleared as new commish Ghiacci0 came to power and full frontal male nudity was given it’s proper place in Cyberslam. Nakedman preached the value of nudity, which frees one from the oppressive bondage of clothing. He is also Naked.
Psychomantis, head of the iAPWF faction of the Army of Darkness, was impressed by the nudist’s young vitality. Nakedman, along with fellow recruit Stormfire began a new generation of the Army of Darkness that would lead to inane wackiness. Nakedman teamed with the Lady Winter for a short time, who was not naked like Nakedman. After this, Nakedman was bonked on the head and thought he was from the 12th century – how stupid! He called himself, Virtue Knude, after retired AoD member Virtue Knight. Nakedman soon returned to normal, but not Nakedman normal – he became regular normal! GASP! He worse clothes – a full tux in fact and dropped the Naked, becoming just “Man.”
Man chilled on Midway island with his AoD homies for a special card event. There man was attacked by a vicious tiger and had his clothed ripped off, becoming Nakedman again! Nakedman was back, but had a bit of a kleptomaniac problem. He especially liked robbing the dead bodies of inactive slammers, such as Mista_Brown! Nakedman and Stormfire tagged up for a short time to form the “Nude Kids on the Block” – the single greatest tag team of all time! Alas, Nakedman’s time with his iAPWF was cut short with his promotion to the CWO.
Nakedman banded with Holyevil, the only AoD member in the CWO. The contrasting serious and goofy personalities made or an eclectic mix. Diabolique (suck-my-dique) set up a special card in the middle of Siberia where Nakedman nearly froze his balls off! Here, Naked also introduced his sister, Clothedchic, who wears clothes. Nakdeman, who is naked, became the CWO Bar Room Brawl rep and almost beat that jerkface Vulcan Raven to get to the finals! Naked took two months in the summer off to chill… actually he was thrown in jail for the MURDER of Tony Twist! (A crime Holyevil actually committed). In time, almost all the iAPWF AoD members reunited in the CWO and helped bust Nakedman out of jail. Nakedman would continue under the new CWO regimes of Maddness (who spelled his name wrong) and The Limit.
Yet with Holyevil gone to the CCWe, a squabble over fed leadership occurred. Nakedman and Psychomantis both wanted to lead the CWO AoD, splitting the AoD into two factions. Recruiting occurred on both sides, until the big swerve happened! Yes, with any other swerve a stable would have swerved all the recruits it just got and rejoin together to show that it was all a plot. Only with the AoD, we rejoined together and KEPT everyone! That’s right, it was all just a big recruiting plot that turned almost every talented slammer in the fed to AoD. The AoD achieved total CWO Domination!
Content with his work in the CWO, and being actively recruited, Nakedman landed a job with Judge’s CWFe. Nakedman tagged with Living Dead Girl, who was not naked. Nakedman made quick friends with < begin name dropping > Whitelight, Canadian Kid, Fleshbasher, Chokehold, Killall, Pestilence and Wingnut < end name dropping >. He totally won the Great White Canadian Invitational Tournament for CK’s Gold Medal in Australia. Naked teamed with Wingnut to form the Naked Wings… he was also Naked! He then killed Speedjoey, don’t ask. In a strange alliance with CK, Stache, Chokey and Killall, Nakedman was part of the “Fleshie Junior Liberation Front,” a Stable of Fleshbasher worship, celebration of the letter X, Knight hatred and such. There was a more bitter, angry side to Nakedman though, which got out when he feuded with untalented douchebags like Honus Jackson and Offensive!
All turned totally over like clover in December though, when Nakedman, who is Naked, announced his allegiance to the newly reformed “BobbyBob’s Allstars!” This overness was to over that Whitelight rose from the dead to become his new tag parter and form “Illuminating Nakedness – the greatest tag team of all time! The Allstars and Nakedman continued their wacky antics until the fall of Cyberslam. On the 1-year anniversary of his joining CSlam, Nakedman was already the CWFe World Champ. But on that fateful anniversary, the first CSlam shutdown notice occurred. CSlam came back, but only temporarily.
Nakedman became a lackey for Arsenic in the UCE in Wrassle[dot]Net, before finally becoming a wrassler. He was in the UCE for a bit, and then the CWA. He totally kicked ass in the Fed Wars 4-Man RP team, but unfortunately got his balls shot like 1,000 times by Homeless J. Gentleman and Bush the Idiot just laughed. Nakedman then tagged with Mikey Ripper (Jesus) in “Clothing Optional.” Nakedman also had his mind erased by the evil EC and couldn’t remember how to do things, like pee or breath or not fly through the air magically. Then Nakedman was so bad that he personally got the CWA contracted! In the contraction draft, he was the only man not drafted, and was demoted to the HCW. Gentleman and Emp may claim to be the fed killers, but everyone knows it was Nakedman.
In the HCW, Nakedman tagged with Mittens, the AoD cat. He also became friends with the most super man around, Super Dave. Super Dave rules like crazy. You wouldn’t believe how super Super Dave is if I told you. Anyway, he accidentally killed him – but that was only the beginning of a beautiful friendship! In the HCW, Nakedman also hung out with Hentaiman, Bukkake Bandit and Seppuke (who spelled his name wrong). They were a trio of Asian sterotypes. that were about the most racist thing I’ve ever thing – and they all begged for sweet suspension! Fortunately, commish Into the Breach is no tightass. Well, he was when he suspended Jailbait for the statutory rape post. The same non-tightassness cannot be said for the next commish, who was Captain Tightass, aka: Fate. Captain Tightass fined Nakedman like crazy and he became the poorest man in Wrassle until that homo Brutal came along.
Good things cannot last forever though, and Nakedman’s HCW adventure waned. It’s a good thing the CWA magically came back and Nakedman went back there. Huzzah! Where is Nakedman headed next? Who knows!
Other Things:
- Sisters Clothed Chic, Robed Girl and Half-Naked Honey. Twin brother Scuzzy McGee (have never been seen together at same time)
- Was Masked Slammer: El Encuerado
- Clothed Chic has illegitimate child with Snoop Dogg, who may or may not also be Mordred.
- Is Naked.
- Does not wear clothes.
Age: 22
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “The Touch” by Stan Bush
Orion Pax is the first character I ever created, hence the excessive lameness. He was insane and believed that the cartoon show “Transformers” was real. He worshiped them as Gods. When he went heel he “went Decepticon.”
Pax joined the New Lead stable. Yeah, embarrassing, I know. I shouldn’t even mention it. Anyways, he always ended up second best in the iRWF and could never get that phat CBF promo… at least not for about 7 months. His first ever feud was with Krotch. Then he got into fights with Pestilence and Marshall Law. Pax’s main buddy was The Mike, who stole every wrestling character’s catchphrase to intentionally be lame – hence ironic. Pax served under the Kronus and The Law regimes of the fed and spent time with Jenocide (no, not the more famous one with a G), Oldman River, Pimpbot, Massadonious, and Slipperyone.
In the CBF, Orion did nothing really notable, except for a feud with Vulcan Raven that involved Triumph the Insult Comic and the Pets.Com dog. Orion faded to oblivion and was never wrestled again. He did, however, become a RWF janitor. You can still see him sweeping there today! Haha… not really, the RWF doesn’t exist any more, idiot! GOTCHA!
Wait. Did I say he never wrestled again? I take that back. On October 19, 2002 – the third anniversary of his joining CSLAM, Orion Pax took over the Characters of Jailbait, Charon and Nakedman in Wrassle[dot]Net for about a week. Charon turned into Good Orion, Jailbait into Bad Orion, and Nakedman into Crazy Orion. They were all killed. It’s kind of sad, really.
Age: Unknown
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “Unholy” by Kiss
I took control of the Dark Jedi character from Pestilence in February of 2000 and figured out what I needed to know most about this Sci-Fi fed badass alien was that he had a drinking problem – sounded cool to me! When I took him over, Dark Jedi had some feud involving a match against this guy named “Whitelight,” and if he lost he would have to come to my home planet with me on some crazy mission for an airship. I –emailed this Whitey fellow and told him what was up. We agreed on it and it and all was cool. Little did I know this would be the begging of a great friendship… the greatest friendship of all time… and ILLUMINANT DARKNKESS: the greatest tag team of all time!!! They were totally undefeated.
Anyways, DJ liked his alcohol, and was quite an adventurer. He and Whitey headed to his home planet of O’Dells to steal a space ship. Because Space Fed CGW was helluva crazy. In order for them to be able to both wrassle their card matches and go back to DJ’s home in a multi-week plotline, DJ and Whitey decided to clone themselves. And I’d be damned if I forgot to mention that something went terrible wrong with these clones and they both turned uber evil. Also, if the cloning machine (the duplex-o-matter) was used improperly… it created the horrible “boy wonder effect,” which generated a plethora of Shane McMahon clones. WOW!
Anyway. Dark Jedi and Whitey had a zany adventure involving deserts, an invisible Fairy, the people of Sleinadkcaj, a beautiful lady named Natasha, and the villainous King Green Robert Downey Junior (don’t ask). Whitey and Jedi stole the shuttle and named it the Natasha. It was so cool. Too bad no one knew how to control it. Anyway, they got back to the CGW home fed, Tashta 7. Then they did other stuff, like fighting their evil clones. Only DJ’s evil clone won, and pretended to be the real Dark Jedi. Zany!
DJ and Whitey swerved the most craptacular stable, FUBAR – DJ by smashing Hellspawn upside the head, and joined the Underground. Then a day later DJ mysteriously disappeared. Odd. Some say he died. Others say that he didn’t move an inch and is exactly where he was before and grew a long beard. But in actuality, he just got really drunk. He showed up later in Cyberbrawls with Whitelight and Deathwish. DJ totally served Whitey for Deathwish – but Whitey retired first. So there was really no swerve. Bah, it was Cyberbrawls. Gimmie a break. It doesn’t even count. I was just there as a joke to mock Deathwish. It wasn’t worth the fucking pop-ups and viruses though.
Age: Born in 1100s… so I guess he’s like 900 years old!
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “The Final Countdown” by Europe. Or “Charge of the Knights”
No tale of Count Justice is complete without the story of Virtue Knight as well. These two knights began their quest to make things like the good old days in the iAPWF. Everyone suspected that Count Justice and Virtue Knight, the Gothic Warriors, may just have been two crazy Renaissance Festival workers who thought that life would be better if we all acted like we did in the simpler times. I mean, that explanation would make sense, wouldn’t it? But it is far from the truth. Mwahahaha!
In actuality, Count Justice and Virtue Knight are two brave knights and crusaders from around 1200 AD. Some mysterious force teleported them to the future. Perhaps is was the evil MORDRED! The Gothic Warriors hate him! At any rate, the GWs became stuck in a time unknown to them, with confusing things like lightbulbs, televisions, microphones and other mysterious devices of sorcery. Eventually they came to understand most of technology… so they no longer always fear airplanes are dragons trying to eat them. Sometimes they forget though. They’re both kind of dumb. I mean come on. They’re from the past.
The Gothic Warriors are very noble and chivalrous. This caused people to really, really like them at first and think they were the purest form of good guys in the world. The Gothic Warriors refused to wrestle “hardcore” matches because they were not honorable. But when push came to shove, it became pretty noticeable that the “chivalry” of the 12th and 13th centuries clashes with modern morals. While being noble and honorable, the Gothic Warriors are great men FOR THEIR TIME. In our time, some of their ideals seem a bit antiquated. These ideals include women being simple devices for sex, Moors being inferior, etc. Some of their values hold strong to this very day though. For instance, their hatred of the French echoes throughout time and is agreeable to society today. Sometimes, the Gothic Warriors have a bit of a killing problem. It’s looked down on today – but dueling and slaying was at the core of chivalry.
The Gothic Warriors enjoyed their iAPWF stay, but when many of their countrymen (the AoD) went to the CWO, they as well moved to the kingdom of the CWO. There, the Gothic Warriors’ slaying and misbehavior just got even worse… or better as many believed. Count Justice and his best friend Virtue had a period of hostility in the CWO though, and they split apart as the Amy of Darkness split into two factions. But their desire to slay each other could not last forever and the two continued their merriment together until the Nothing Saga.
Following this, the Gothic Warriors mysteriously disappeared for a time. It is rumored that maybe they went back in time – but no one knows. Eventually, they resurfaced in Wrassle[dot]Net’s CWA, which they mistakenly continued to call the CWO. The slaying antics seemed greater than ever now, and their hatred of Moors increased to quite humorous levels. When not trying to siege Maximum Michael Gold’s locker room, Count Justice would enjoy recreational pillaging and rape. Oh that Count Justice! Then Count Justice got a baseball contract with the Dodgers… but it was discovered that he couldn’t play baseball, and he was murdered. Aww. The end. T’was a well tale of merriment, nay?
Age: 30s?
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “Sympathy for the Devil” by Guns N’ Roses. Later: “Wicked Garden” by STP
In August of 2002, a mysterious masked man appeared on the scene of a regional fed known as the UCE. Unlike your standard masked man – this dude wore a gasmask. Zany, I know. The man’s name was Arsenic and his goal was straight forward from the beginning: he wanted to use a powerful and valuable giant diamond called the “Ice Princess” in a specially constructed machine (not an EZ Bake Oven) to generate a substance called Carbonic Snow, which he would use to freeze the world. And no, this is not a General Hospital plotline. Shut up. Arsenic is a weird mix of a guy – part mad scientist, part insane leftist paramilitary wannabe, part struggling wrestler, but all total loser. Arsenic cannot, for the life of him, get laid. His valet is an attractive, slutty Jiggly Room stripper/escort named Old Lace (Bertha McSnagglesworth). She can’t stand Arsenic and hates being around his creepiness, but sticks with him for the money. And no – she never has sex with him, she refused that.
Quickly, the UCE was elevated to national status and Arsenic used the opportunity to become a bigger name. Under the reign of Dr. Kiebler, Arsenic became the Universal Carnage Champion after totally kicking ass in upstate New York, fighting a mad geneticist named Simon, who was totally gay. At the same time, Arsenic met the love of his life – himself. A genetic clone that is – a perfect female clone of himself, that was everything like him, except female. They did it – was it sex or masturbation: you decide!
In Arsenic’s zany antics he made many friends and enemies. He totally won the first ever UCE BMF event – now a UCE tradition. One time he even froze the entire UCE arena, making it an icy cage for an entire card! Arsenic first fought Wingnut in a memorable Retirement Home match, where they pissed off a lot of old people. The two would later team up to become the ARSENUTS! They even had a cool flash video. Arsenic and Wingnut were also associated for a short time with the Deadly Seven (D7). Along with Violent Jack (Pride), El Jefe (Sloth), Kronik (Gluttony), Hairy (Greed), and Mr. Peak (Wrath), Arsenic and Wingnut were Envy and Lust. Souls were sold and such, and the wrasslers took on the personality of their sin. Eventually, Wingy and Hairy got all gay with each other, which kind of wierded everyone out and Violent Jack brought an end to the D7.
Arsenic continued his evil and dastardly plans into 2002, being involved in all sorts of other stuff that I can’t remember. There was a Medieval Faire, some sort of haunted house with a bunch of people named Holmes, (Katie, Sherlock, Priest, etc.). Eventually, with the EC’s vast and evil Extreme Membership conspiracy, Arsenic joined Team Non-Extreme to fight the oppression of evil Extreme Members everywhere. For his valiant egalitarian fight, Arsenic was secretly murdered by the EC and replaced with a shitty robot that was programmed poorly (kind of like their wrassling engine). He was murdered. Really.
After several NPC cameos, Arsenic magically undeaded himself in April of 2003. He can do that because he’s a mad scientist. Back with Old Lace again, Arsenic decided to reek havoc on his UCE home. With a plan to use Wingnut’s corpse to blow up the arena, a plan to spread SARS throughout the UCE, a plan to freeze the arena in carbonic snow (yeah, again), a plan to mock Mortality OOC, and several other plans – Arsenic accidently won himself an award as the funniest guy in the fed when he was trying to kill everyone. Arsenic almost picked up a second BMF win at the end of April too. Going into May… Arsenic vowed to again become a dominant UCE force.
Age: 30s
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “Spanish National Anthem”
In the year of our Lord 1514, the great Nation of Spain sent conquistador Juan de Alvarado and a crew of 100 on a quest to find gold in New Spain (the Americas). Their ship was lost at sea however, and the few survivors crashed on a very small island. So small that for 500 years it was never seen. I’m talking about one of those islands with one coconut tree. Descendents of the original explorers dwindled again and again until finally there were no females left for reproduction and three men lived – Eduardo de Alvarado, descendant of the original Expedition leader. Father Pedro Navarez, descendant of the original priest (yes… the priest had sex and descendents, fucking hypocrite Catholics) and Esteban the Moor, descendant of the original Moorish slaves on the expedition. Though their blood was all highly intermixed, Alvarado falsely claims no relation to the foolish Moor.
Finally, in 2001 the three had enough wood to make a ship to sail away from the island. They had to wait for that one coconut tree to grow, cut it down, and plant a new one. That’s why it took 500 years, dude. They set sail on their ship – but not back for Spain – for the new world! Their goal was to claim it in the name of Spain, conquor it, and return to Spain with it’s riches and be heroes. Finally, they landed in the new world and proclaimed it New Spain on 7 February 2001. Unfortunately, they were 500 years too late.
Alvarado attempted to plant the Spanish flag into the concrete of the seaside highway in Florida, but had a hard time. He looked all around and saw a strange world – skyscrapers, tall buildings, people off all kinds speaking a strange language (English). Indeed, they realized… this was a PRIMITIVE LAND! Immediately they realized that the chief of this primitives was the strange cheiftian Heww-dee-nee (Houdini) and attempted to conquer him and take all of his gold. Indeed, the three attempted to take all the gold from this new world, and send it back to Spain in a Galleon. Mistakenly, Houdini thought they were luchadors and gave Alvarado a contract.
Alvarado soon met the female wrestler Ashlira and took her to be a savage princess. He continually tried to rape and marry her. Occasionally, when not pillaging for gold or raping “savage” girls, Alvarado found time to attempt to covert these heathens to the ways of Catholicism. But he didn’t waste too much time on it. He wanted the gold! Alvarado and his crew moved along with Ashlira and her savage tribe (Taco Bell Guerilla Ninjas) to the CWA. There Alvarado continued the same actions until he plot twisted himself out of anything interesting to do and mysteriously disappeared for well over a year.
Alvarado resurfaced in November of 2002, but just for a month. In the “Ashamed of My Son” stable, led by Chevalier’s Dad, Alvarado found another savage princess by the name of Lexy. He wanted her to be his concubine bride now, and tried to marry her. He even succeeded, but the courts let her divorce and she took half of everything he ever owned, including Esteban the Moor. Why a 21st century court would rule a Moor as property is beyond me! Alas, Alvarado feel into feuding with his own allies, including Son of Regional Man, and eventually had to flee the SHOW’s wilderness again. It is rumored that he has attempted to sail back to Spain with the few things he did gain from his new world “conquest.” But it’s more likely his shitty boat capsized and he just drowned.
Esteban, the Foolish Moor, is now a world famous minority business entrepreneur and is on the Board of Regents at BET. Sike! He probably drowned too.
Age: Manufactured 2001
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: None
Toaster is a toaster. Toaster makes toast. You take bread and put it in him. Press down the lever on toaster. Make sure he is plugged in. If so, in a few minutes your bread will come out as toast. Smear butter, jelly or whatever else you may like on the toast.* One time Prototype found Toaster and wanted to eat some toast. Toaster has this power over people. They want to eat toast when they see him. I dunno what it is, but Proto stuck a sticker that said “Trenchcoat Mafia” on him afterwards, thus making Toaster part of the stable. Later it was peeled off. Genocide and others also enjoyed the deliciousness of toast. Holyevil, however, became insanely jealous of Toaster’s popularity and tied him to a brick and sent him to the bottom of the ocean. Man I want some toast.
*Disclaimer: Toaster’s darkness control button is broken. So likely your Toast will come out burnt (like the former CEO of wrassle) or blackened (like SPX).
Age: Immortal and Eternal
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “Blitzkrieg Bop” by The Ramones.
Charon is the mythological ferryman of the dead in Greek mythology. Not so mythological after all though, is he? Boring of ferrying dead losers across the River Acheron (not Styx… that is a common mistake) for eternity, Charon abandoned his post and went to the upper world to have fun in his skeletal body. As a skeleton carrying around a ferryman’s paddle, he sure did scare the shit out of everyone. When a skeleton walks up to you, it would scare you, no? Yes it would! Not to mention the fact that he whacked people with his paddle all the time.
Charon quickly noticed a stable called “The Flood.” And he was like “Whoa man, that stable sounds like it has something to do with water. Awesome. I’ll join it.” Charon likes water, he’s a ferryman. So he joined the Flood. There he whacked guys like Violent Jack and Vile on the head. A lot of times. A whole lot. But Charon moved out of the HCW and to the UCE when commissioner Head was promoted. In the UCE, Charon continued to whack people on the head with his paddle. This is because I am uncreative and do the same thing over and over again.
Not being able to keep up with the others in the UCE, Charon took a demotion to the HCW, where he chilled with Stryfe’s girlfriend Kyra for a bit. He loved Kyra’s titties, even though usually flesh totally grosses him out. You see, because he’s a skeleton. In the end, Charon joined a boy band group of skeletons including Bones Jackson from Mutant League, some Aztec Skeleton god that I can’t remember, and the Grim Reaper. Eventually he got tired of puny flesh creatures though, and returned to ferrying duties in Hades.
Yet Charon couldn’t stay gone forever. In the “Ye Renn Fest” Bar Room Brawl, Charon disguised himself as a ghost in an attempt to scare Nakedman and make him lose the Bar Room Brawl. He was able to do so – and Nakedman’s final round opponent, Neoprene, finally got the better of him. The ironic thing was that he is actually a whole hell of a lot scarier as a skeleton then he is with a semen-stained bed sheet on his head pretending to be a ghost. Oh, and one more thing -
Nicknames: Orion, Pax, OP, Janitor
Quote: “The Vision is the Gold” and “Transform and Roll Out!”
Height: 7 Friggin Feet TALL!
Weight: 280 lbs
Slamming Style: Muscle
From: Cybertron
“The Matrix Bomb”
Also: The Magnetic Inducer, The Null Ray, the Metroplex
Stables: *shame* The New Lead *shame*
Activation Date: 10/19/1999
Feds: iRWF (Oct 99 – April 2000), CBF (May – June 00)
Nicknames: DJ, Deejay, Jedi.
Quote: *hiccup*
Height: 6’7” …In the Darth Vader Costume
Weight: 300 lbs… In the Darth Vader Costume
Slamming Style: High-Flyer
From: Planet O’Dells, expatriated to Tashta 7.
“ The Possessor”
Stables: FUBAR, The Underground (for 1 day)
Activation Date: ? …I had him 2/17/2000 – 4/21/2000 (4/25/2000)
Feds: CGW, Cyberbrawls (as a joke)
(Sir Nigel Hack, the Count of Justice)
Nicknames: CJ, Justice
Quote: “Fie!”… “Huzzah!”
Height: He never takes the armor off for me to find out.
Weight: Again, the armor.
Wrassler Type: Muscle
From: England, c. 1200.
“Excalibur’s Blade”
Stables: AoD
Activation Date: The Dark Ages
Feds: iAWPF (May - December 1999, ?March - July 2000), CWO (July 2000 – CSlam Shutdown), CWA (Dec 2001- May 2002)
Tag Partner and Constant Hetero Life Partner: Virtue Knight
Nicknames: Arse, Arsey, Arse-hole
Quote: “Mwahaha!”
Height: 6’0”
Weight: 235 lbs
Wrassler Type: Muscle
From: Coney Island, I guess.
“Element 33” (Top Rope Armdrag)
Stables: The Deadly Seven (D7), Army of Darkness Jr, Army of Darkness, Team Non-Extreme
Activation Date: August 2001
Feds: UCE (Aug 2001 – May 2002; April 2003-current)
Valet: Old Lace, Arsena, Arsenic Clones
Nicknames: Viceroy, Lordship, Master (by Esteban)
Quote: “SILENCE, FOOLISH MOOR!!!”
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 180 lbs
Wrassler Type: Didn’t know how to Wrassle
From: Spain
“The City of Gold”
Stables: Taco Bell Guerilla Ninjas, Ashamed of My Son
Associates: Father Navarez and Esteban the Foolish Moor
Activation Date: Feb 7, 2001.
Feds: SHOW (Feb – April 2001) CWA (April – June 2001). SHOW (again, November 2002)
Nicknames: Toaster
Quote: …
Height: 1 foot
Weight: 7 lbs
Wrassler Type: Toaster
From: Japan, where all quality Electronics Come
“Warming Bread”
Stables: Trench Coat Mafia
Activation Date: September 2001.
Feds: SHOW (September 2001)
Quote: *WHACK*
Height: Probably like 5’5”
Weight: 20 lbs
Wrassler Type: Skeleton
From: Hades, the River Acheron
“The River of Woe”
Stables: The Flood
Activation Date: August 2002.
Feds: HCW (Aug-September 2002), UCE (October 2002), UWF (Nov-Dec? 2002).
Skeletor
Closely resembling Charon is “Skeletor,” The Overlord of Evil and true master of Eternia. He came to the UCE in March of 2003 along with the rest of the Evil Empire in order to wreak havoc, kick ass, take names, kill Funaki and bone hot cartoon chicks. Skeletor loves singing scat and did so constantly. About the only thing he likes to do more is get head from Evil-Lyn. This occurred so frequently that it started to be called “getting an Evil-Lyn.” Like the original Evil Empire, this version was just too intense to last for long. It’s quality… not quantity… and Skeletor left the UCE and returned to Eternia in order to bend Teela over and do her in the ass or something like that.
Age: 15… errm… 18, I mean. Really.
Finishing Move:
Entrance Music: “Jailbait” by Aerosmith
Young Jailbait (real name unknown, and not really that important) is a 15 year old girl. Uhh… no wait, girl of indeterminate age, I mean. She started hanging out in the HCW, carrying books around, and dropping them so that she could get guys to pick them up and look up her skirt. Or sometimes so that she could bend down herself and show off her ass. She really, really, really likes having sex with guys. Her age is a bit of a problem… but most guys are able to ignore that. Moving from the HCW to the NGPW after Into the Breach disapproved of her constant statutory rape, she found consent age laws more favorable in Japan.
Jailbait soon became friends with Ileya, who reminded her of her younger self. Ileya taught Jailbait how to become a bit of a klepto and take the wallets of the many, many, many men that she slept with. MANY. And I mean a lot of men. She banged at LEAST one guy a post. But as an exodus from the NGPW occurred, Jailbait went to the UCE where she met Divinity, who served as her new mentor. Unlike Ileya, Divinity would not turn her eye and smile to Jailbait’s slutty antics. Divinity wanted to shape Jailbait into a proper, non-slutty woman. Jailbait resisted, but in the end kind of conformed. Divinity would not dare say the vulgar “Jailbait,” and instead renamed Jb “Jane Bonnie.” But to undermine all the devious lesbians in the UCE, Jailbait and Divinity had to dress up as “Dixie” and “Virginity,” a pair of slutty hot lesbians who loved to have lesbian sex all the time. Together they wreaked havoc on the UCE lesbian crew.
Yet when a plan to befriend Priestess and swerve her failed because Jailbait actually became Priestess’s friend, Divinity left the UCE. Jailbait then started to hang out with Priestess and train to become a better wrestler. But more importantly, her sluttier ways started to come back and she started boning the hell out of every man she could see. Though friends and tag partners, Jailbait constantly is sometimes around Priestess, afraid that the latter will try to have hot lesbian sex with her. Jailbait doesn’t like lesbian sex, because she’s straight. Like, the only fuckin’ straight female ever in E-wrestling. At least it feels like it sometimes.
Actually, Jailbait is not a real female character… but a parody female characters. It is because female characters are very annoying. I take the primary female wrassler character of promiscuousness, endlessly done my masturbating losers, and bring it to such an extreme to make it a mockery of the whole institution. That’s right. She has sex EVERY SINGLE DAMN POST. By overdoing it and running it into the ground, I was actually mocking female characters all around for sucking.
Or maybe I just did it because it got me off. Oh yeah Hilary Duff. Oh yeah.
Dixie END.
Nicknames: Jailbait, Jb, “Jane Bonnie,” Dixie
Quote: “ Wanna have sex? *giggle*”
Height: 5’6”
Weight: 105 lbs
Wrassler Type: Slut
From: High School
“Fellatio”
Tag Partners: Ileya, Divinity, Priestess
Activation Date: Late September 2002.
Feds: HCW (A few days), NGPW (October 2002), UCE (Nov 2002 – March 2003)
Dixie was the alter-ego of Jailbait who premiered in the UCE and later went to Ring-Wars along with Virginity. Instead of simply parodying female characters in general, Dixie functioned to mock the institution of the incredibly inaccurately depicted slim, hot, model/actress looking lesbian that has promiscuous lesbian sex with multiple partners and loves taunting men with what they can’t have. Just kidding. That’s what real lesbians are like. You didn’t know?