(Continued from the story of James Randall)
Prologue
~EEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!
The screech of a woman’s voice can be heard. In terror she screams out at what she sees before her eyes. “Some guy lying on the ground with blood pooled behind his head” were the words thought by that dying little boy James. “Some Guy” had a name though, he was Geoffrey Butler, the head butler! What a convenient last name!
That’s right, no Wadsworth or Jeeves for you.
Elise the French Maid: *faints*
She was the one screaming, by the way. Lance Striker and James Randall are the first to arrive on the scene. The room wasn’t specifically stated before, but let’s say it’s the Kitchen. Lance pushes James away to prevent his young psyche from seeing his own near future – brutal, merciless death! Stan Daniels is the next one in right behind them. They see the clearly dead man laying there in the pool of blood.
Lance: It sounded like a girl’s scream to me.
Stan Daniels: Crikey! Over in the corner! Another body! The maid!
He points over to a side door to the kitchen that the house staff use, where the maid obviously entered from.
Lance: That’s no dead body, she’s breathing.
They go over to help her. Then James Bond jumps from an exploding plane, and his parachute opens up to reveal a giant Union Jack. He lands on the ground and starts making out with Pussy Galore. Thus this awesome pre-title sequence ends.
Part 1: Well I Guess the Butler Was Innocent
The female version of the Wilhelm Scream was so loud that it attracted everyone in the mansion to come forward. It’s not as many people as it used to be. Eight Wrasslers have been cleared to leave. After intense questioning and fact-checking by police, Amp, Belzovia, TheBMan187 (who isn’t as good as the 186 TheBMans before him), Virtue Knight, Demonica Vile, Hank Hooligan, Deadman Inc and Payton have all been eliminated as suspects and were allowed to leave.
Now everyone is accounted for. The police officers, remaining Wrasslers, house staff, and EC have all run to the kitchen after hearing the scream. Except for one of them. Someone is missing.
Stan Daniels: She’s coming to!
Elise: Ugh… Geoffrey! Geoffrey! Is he-
Police Officer Johnson: -Yes m’am, I’m afraid so. Dead.
Johnson is in charge here, by the way. I like to give people names, it makes them more human. He has a 14 year old daughter and 8 year old son and likes to play the violin. In college, he met his wife, Laura, and they courted for many years before finally tying the knot. None of these facts are relevant – but he totally sounds like a real dude with a deep, complex character now, huh?
Law Martin: Damnit… ANOTHER murder!
Stormtrooper: He wasn’t blasted with a blaster was he? Because if he was, I swear it wasn’t me.
Medical Examiner: Massive head trauma. Happened pretty recently.
Lance: Recently? Everyone saw I was talking to the police recently. I couldn’t have done it!
Officer Johnson: Yes, but as we’ve learned from that kid with you, this was planned out by more than one person. It’s quite easy for one of you still left to have been elsewhere when your collaborator snuck off and did the deed. Therefore everyone here is still a suspect!
Stan Daniels: Wait, we seem short on someone. Is some mate missing?
Martini: Yeah. Where is Dr. Abortion?
Where is Dr. Abortion indeed! Not wherever we last saw him in Round 1, as this is a new timeline. Since James didn’t specifically say, the doc could be involved in any possible situation, doing whatever he wants, and could have found any evidence whatsoever. In fact, I bet that’s what he’s doing right now – finding evidence. If there is any man out there with the skill and dedication to take his job seriously and get it done, it is James Babicila, MD!
Dr. Abortion: Oh, why hello there Katie Holmes, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears From 5 Years Ago When She Was Hot. Did you all strip down naked and get in this hottub just for me?Law Martin: The last time I saw Dr. A it was right after he, Deadman and Payton were told to look for clues in the Billiard Room. Remember?
Natalie Portman: Oh, you know we did, Dr. Abortion. You tease!
Katie Holmes: “Life and Style” magazine only got half of the story. Sure I broke up with Tom Cruise, but after I did that I aborted my baby. And it was all just to be with you!
Britney Spears From 5 Years Ago When She Was Hot: And look at me, Dr. Abortion. I am circa 2001 Britney Spears! I’m not at all fat and homely like modern-day 2006 Britney Spears.
Natalie Portman: Too bad soap bubbles and your head are blocking any nudity that would otherwise appear!
Dr. A: Well, to get my head out of the way of the good stuff, I guess I better jump inside it with you ladies then!
Katie Holmes: Oh please do, Dawson! I mean Dr. Abortion. *shifty eyes*
*SPLASH*
Britney Spears From 5 Years Ago When She Was Hot: My back is so sore from my large, still 19-year old bosom. Will you please rub it for me?
Dr. A: Yes, yes I shall.
Stormtrooper: Yeah! Instead of doing that, he grabbed a FHM Magazine and locked himself in the hall bathroom. Has anyone seen him since?
Officer Johnson: Hrm… come to think of it, I don’t think we ever eliminated him. Has nobody noticed he’s been missing this whole time? We gotta find him!
The group heads back into the hallway when-
*FLUSH*
The bathroom door opens and out walks Dr. Abortion.
Dr. A: Damn my wrist is tired!
Everyone Else: …
Dr. A: You know, from all that massaging of Britney Spears From 5 Years Ago When She Was Hot.
Everyone Else: *blinks*
Stan Daniels: OI!… well… it looks like he was doing SOMETHING ELSE at the time of the butler’s murder, so he can’t be responsible for that.
Dr. A: Yes, I was “making it” with non-pregnant Katie Holmes, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears From 5 Years Ago When She Was Hot in a Mr. Bubble-filled hottub.
Stan Daniels: Right… that. If you say so.
Officer Johnson: No! His time inbetween can’t be accounted for. He’s still a suspect. And even if he didn’t kill Geoffrey, he could still have done in Mr. Boddy.
Dr. A: Wait… Geoffrey? Geoffrey Butler the butler? DEAD?! NOOOOOO!!!!!
He falls to his knees.
Dr. A: *sniff*… I’ve only known him for the short time since I arrived at this house hours ago. But in those hours, we gained a bond of friendship and trust like no other. Geoffrey – this is for you.
He tips over and pours a 40-oz Milwaukee’s Best on the floor. Not actually in memory of Geoffrey – but because Milwaukee’s Best should absolutely never be consumed by human beings.
Martini: Where did he get that bottle from? It just popped out of nowhere!
Officer Johnson: LOOK EVERYONE. It’s clear that the people left here are all highly suspect, and now we have yet another cruel murder to deal with. I say it’s high time we all get back to work investigating this crime!
The Fat Doorman walks forward, the same doorman who we saw greet all the Wrasslers at the door when they were first led into this house, and the same one who TOTALLY OVERSOLD his weeping after learning that Mr. Boddy was dead. But “Fat Doorman” is such a nasty, un-likable term, so let’s call him Knobbert Gobbler. That sounds like a real good name.
Knobbert Gobbler: I agree! Let’s get to work. You, Mr. Green, work with Mrs. White here.
Law Martin: Were you pointing at me? I’m not White. I’m Peacock.
Dr. A: And I'm totally Ms. Scarlett.
Knobbert Gobbler: And Mrs. Peacock and Miss Scarlett – you work together.
Lance Striker: But I was Mr. Green.
Stormtrooper: And I was Mrs. White. But Law can have it though.
Knobbert Gobbler: Bah! It doesn’t matter. Just get back to work or the police will arrest you all!
Stan Daniels: Hrm, maybe it’d be best if you mates DO trade positions a bit. Maybe a fresh set of eyes will solve things quicker. The new Green can take over for the previous Green, and the new Scarlett for the old Scarlett, and so on.
Dr. A: Ugh. So which one of you bouchedags said you were Mr. Green again?
Lance Striker: That’s me. Or it was me.
Dr. A: I, COMMISSIONER OF NGPW, COMMAND THEE TO COME OVER FOR DISCUSSIONS!
Lance Striker: WHAT? You COMMAND me? I don’t think s-*oof*
Dr. A hits him on the head with a wrench. I wonder where that came from. He then drags Striker off with him to a corner to talk.
James Randall: Wait! Wait for me!
And the terminal kid runs after the two.