Orion Pax kicks Nakedman, who is inside of the dumpster, zipped up in a dufflebag.
Naked: HELLLPPP!!!!
Pax: There is no escape, Megatron. But since you are the leader of the Decepticons – and you hang out with the “Army of Darkness” – that means the AoD must really stand for ARMY OF DECEPTICONS! And I know just who to strike next!
He looks at a picture of a guy with a rainbow afro.
Pax: BLITZWINGnut!
There is a villainous Decepticon named Blitzwing. And Orion Pax thinks Blitzwing is Wingnut. He thinks this because he is crazy.
Pax: But first, I must get help. I must find – SKY LYNX!
Hrmm… I wonder who Orion Pax is looking for When he’s looking for sky LYNX. Hrmm… Hrmm…
Pax: Autobots, Transform and Roll Out!
He makes the Transformers transforming noise with his mouth and runs away.
Naked: Hello? Hello? Where did you go? Orion? This place smells. Are you posting on the weekend with my character? DON’T DO THAT! Don’t post on the weekend with my character! It’s sacrilege! I’m inactive on weekends!
I am an Awesome Autobot with the stick! (Cokeheads)
Orion Pax walks into Johnny XS’s locker room. He’s sweeping the floor, because he’s a janitor.
Orion Pax: *Sweep*Sweep*… notice how my name is spelled Pax and not Paxs, because I’m not that talentless dude Paxs from CSlam.
Johnny XS: YOU!
Pax: Me?
Johnny XS: I drafted you… err… Nakedman… er… something like that.
Pax: The villainous NakedMegatron shall haunt us no more. He has been taken care of. When last I heard of him, Static was trying to make some NPC have homoerotic gay sex with him.
Johnny XS: Heh. You're a Janitor I see. Pretty good with that stick there?
Pax: Oh, you mean this mop? Sure. I trained for hours and hours back on Wheeljack’s lab on Cybertron.
He pulls up the mop and starts to swirl it around suavly and dramatically, doing all sorts of fancy things that totally insane guys can do with sticks.
*WHACK*
XS: OW!
Pax: Oh, sorry. My mistake. I thought I saw Rumble stealing race cars to create the Stunticons, just like he did in “The Key to Vector Sigma: Part I.”
XS: Are you just as good with a stick if it were… say… flat and curved at the bottom instead of just being a mop?
Pax: Oh yeah, I can kick some Deceptichops with it! YEAH!
XS: Decepti-wha? No… wait…
Johnny starts thinking.
XS: Say, you know the team we are facing, the one led by Adam Gravel?
Pax: Nope!
XS: Well, they are all “Decepticons.” You should help us defeat them!
He patronizes the insane guy.
Pax: OF COURSE! Autobots ALWAYS defeat Decepticons at the end of an episode. Unless, of course, it is a multi-part episode. In which case the Decepticons may be victorious in one of the particular parts of the episode – but the Autobots always triumph in the last episode.
XS: Ermm… yes. Indeed. Great to have you on the team.
Meanwhile… Gentleman and Homeless Inactive J are somewhere doing coke…
Gent: Ahh man, this is the stuff here. I don’t see how I can get drafted by the recovering cokeheads if I’m not even recovering at all.
Homeless J: I wasn’t even drafted.
Gent: Dude! You’re not even in the Wrassle[dot]Net roster any more! You’ve been totally deleted!
Homeless J: *hehehehe*… Man, I’m so high I don’t even know what's going on.
McBain will throw! Sideswipe is Awesome! (Hockey!)
Static and Jesus – the Lord and Savior, not a Mexican Gardener – are talking to each other.
Static: Thanks for solving my debt problems, Jesus.
Jesus: No problem, my brutha. Just keeping it real for my homies.
Static is suddenly confused by why Jesus is talking like a horrible Ryan McBain. The confusion ends when Johnny XS crashes into them.
*CRASH*
XS: AGH!!!!!
They all tumble over. XS is still having difficulty getting the hand of the skates and such. Really. Static said so last post. Remember the cheap hooker thing?
XS: Sorry. I think I’ve almost mastered it though. So, did you guys hear about McBain?
Static: Nope.
Jesus: He’s my dawg.
XS: He ate the watermelon I gave him. It was the bribe. He should be helping us to win the game in the third period.
He now whispers.
XS: *It’s all fixed!*
Orion Pax, who is crazy, runs up.
Pax: IEEEEEEE!!!!!! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY AUTOBOTS! LOOK! Our uniforms are going to be red – like the Autbots! I am just like Sideswipe.
Static: Cool, Static was talking about Sideswipe earlier. He was also talking in third person.
XS: Rodimus Prime was the cool one.
Pax: YES! YES! I agree with both of you. They are both cool. And Sideswipe has a brother, who is Sunstreaker. They are both Lamborghinis, only Sunstreaker is yellow. Transformers are all real you know.
They stare at him for a second.
Jesus: HAHAHAHAHAHA… it’s a good thing Barrister wasn’t there, or else he would have given me to the Romans. I JUST GOT IT! THAT’S HILARIOUS! HAHAHAHA… you guys!
Static: Dude, you weren’t even in the room when we were talking about that.
Jesus: I know and see all. It just takes me a while to figure out the jokes. I’m friggin 2002 years old, give me a break.
Pax: I like transformers.
Hahahaha… YES YOU DO, PAX! Hahaha…
Meanwhile, other people like Wingnut and Gentleman are hanging around. I’m just too lazy to include any more people in this post.
Orion is benched because he sucks.
The ref blows his whistle after… uhh… something. There are whistles blown in hockey, right? Screw you whiteys, I’m from the hood, I don’t know anything about hockey. This one time my high school gym teacher said, “okay, lets play hockey.” So then she took out the basketballs and everyone started playing hockey by dribbling basketballs and throwing them into nets. That was how we did track and football and weightlifting too… by throwing basketballs at nets.
XS: Okay Pax, you’re benched.
Pax: WHAT?! BENCHED?! But how will I defeat the Decepticons on the bench?
XS: Look, you suck. Sorry to say. You do some nice stuff with the stick, but you just don’t know how to make a shot.
Pax: DAMN YOU! You must be a spy! Like one of the Spychangers! You’re really a Decepticon, aren’t you? Trying to stop the Autobots from defeating the Decepticons?!
XS: Umm…
Orion Pax takes a swing at XS, not because he dislikes him or thinks he is a better player… but because he’s crazy and not all the screws are working right in the head.
XS grabs and twists his arm.
Pax: IIEEEE! Sorry! Sorry! I don’t know what came over me? I think it must have been the red hate plague from The Return of Optimus Prime!
The ref see’s it and skates over.
Ref: That’s enough punch throwing there! You’re going to the penalty box.
XS: Please, there is no need. We’re teammates. He was just having some friendly-
Ref: NO EXCEPTIONS!
Pax: Who, me?
The ref looks at Orion scornfully, who skates to the penalty box.
Pax: Damn that ref. He must be with the Decepticons too!
Jesus Scores! Pax Penalized Again!
After Manowar goes to the ice, with Orion Pax’s blade slashes all over his back, Pax yells and encourages his team on.
Orion Pax: OPTIMUS!!!
XS: Bah, what are you talking about now?!
*skate* skate*
I add this to prove to you they are all skating while they are talking, and not just talking.
Pax: YOU!
He points at Jesus.
Jesus: Me?
The game freezes. Jesus can do this. It’s like those commercials with Catherine Zeta Jones.
Wonder what Jesus looks like playing hockey? Like this…
Jesus: What is up, Crazy Orion Pax?
XS: Oh wait… I get it now. He thinks Optimus Prime is Jesus. Because he’s crazy!
Pax: Was not Optimus Prime killed in the movie? Was he not resurrected in the show? He is truly the Lord.
Gent: Say, Jesus. Can you do something else for me? Like change the score?
Jesus: Oh sure, that’s nothing.
He points at the scoreboard and snaps.
Recovering Cokeheads: 3276Adam Gravel: HEY!!!
Losers: -6
Jesus: SILENCE! You are supposed to be freezed. Oh, you wuss. Here, I’ll change it back.
He does.
XS: Wait, I’ve got an idea. Quick while you’re Zach Morrised time. Sub Pax in for Mano.
Mano: HEY!!!!!!!! I just got in.
XS: No, no, no… don’t worry about it Mano. You’ll be back in a minute from now. Hey Orion, deck him.
Pax: Huh?
XS: He’s Starscream. Deck him.
Pax: YESS!!!
Jesus unfreezes time.
Gravel: NO!!!
*WHAMMO*
The ref blows his whistle.
Jesus: What did we do that for?
XS: He sucks anyway. We’re better off with him in the box.
Gent: Not the Kodiac Bear box, I hope. *snicker*
Pax & Puckticus Omega: True Friends
Orion Pax is on the bench again. On the bench because he is not that good of a player.
Pax: Booo! Not being a good player is not cool. I feel like Bumblebee when all the Autobots go off to fight the Decepticons. “NO! Not you Bumbleebee,” says Optimus, “You stay here and guard the base. Because you’re a wuss.” Psshaa… like that doesn’t just mean, “don’t get in our way, oh yeah… and you and Ratchet better have Energon drinks ready for us when we get back, or else we’ll let the Decepticons take you.”
Tubbs: Shut up. Who are you talking to?
Pax: Puckticus Omega here.
Tubbs: Who?! Hahaha… crazy white boy. You’re taling to a puck that- AGH! HOLY SH-
Puckticus Omega: Does he question my abilities? Is he a Decepticon?
Pax: No, he’s on our side. But watch out for him. He’s not to be trusted.
Puckticus: Well, I and the rest of the Sporticons are to be trusted. I already told you about Footbalior, but you must know about Bator, the corked Barry Bonds bat, Dunkur, the bouncin’ hip-hop basketball-bot… and, of course, Racketbot, who turns into a tennis racket. Together we the Sporticons merge into – JOCKATRON!
Pax: Yeah, that’s so cool and I… HEY… wait a minute!
Puckticus: What?
Pax: Your group name is the Sporticons… CON is a Decepticon sub name. If you were good guys you would be named BOTS… SportiBOTS… not SportiCONS! Arielbots… good. Stunticons… bad. Protectobots… good. Constructicons… bad. Technobots… good. Combaticons… bad!
Puckticus: Well, I… uh… damn. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! YES, YES WE ARE EVIL! And you Autobots shall be destroyed! For the Sporticons have allied with the people at Hasbro… and from now on, all Transformers shows will be like POKEMON! MWAHAHA!
Pax: NOOO!!!!
Puckticus: Yes… gotta catch us all! HAHAHAHA!
Pax: DIE, YOU!!!!
Pax starts choking the hockey puck to death.
Yep, I’m Naked (Damn you, Pax!)
After the hockey game, in which the team I was on – the better team – won by the way, Orion Pax heads back to his lair, which is a dumpster outside of the arena where some guy named Bob, but not that Bob, is trying to proposition a tied up Nakedman to get it on with him.
Naked: Agh! Quit it! That Static post was like 4 days ago… leave me alone! Haven’t you gone yet?
Bob, No not that Bob: No, come on, I had a dream about you. A dream where little black children and little white children play together.
Naked: Aww… that’s so moving.
Bob: And after that part of the dream, I sodimized you-
Naked: ALL RIGHT! KNOCK IT OFF!
Orion Pax skips up.
Orion Pax: What the heck are you two doing at my secret lair?
Naked: Uhh… you locked me up here.
Bob: And Static just made me up. But I’m not Bob that is the guy named Bob on the roster, I’m some other Bob because that Bob is in the BRB.
Naked: Look… Orion, buddy… can I borrow that mop you have there.
Pax: Uhh… sure.
Naked takes the mop and bludgeons this Bob fellow with it. Now, I’m not saying he bludgeons him to death or anything… because that would be against policy… but it is quite a nasty hit.
Pax: Ouch.
Naked: He’s an… umm… Decepticon.
Pax: Yeah, he looked like one. It’s all in the sweater-vest.
Naked: Correct, that is how you can tell.
Pax: That and any purple insignias on his body anywhere.
Naked: I’m naked, I don’t have any insignias anywhere.
Pax: Look, sorry about that whole kidnapping you and calling you Megatron thing, I forgot to take my pills, and I get a little nutsy after that.
Naked: Well, I’d try to relate with you, crazy boy… but I can’t because I’m not insane like you. I’m just a standard, normal sane guy who doesn’t wear no pants.
Pax: Ooo… lets talk about Transformers. I think that we should really discuss some of the social ramifications of…
Naked: WHAT WAS THAT?! A limited edition blue-colored Bluestreak Datsun Sportscar Transformer in the garbage bin?
Pax: WHAT?! But there were so few blue Bluestreak toys… most of them are silver! Do you know how rare that is?
Naked: And to think, some one threw it away. Who would do that?
Pax: I dunno!
Naked: You better climb in there and get it!
Pax: RIGHT!
As Orion climbs in, Nakedman punches the latch which closes the lid of the steel dumpster, trapping Orion Pax in there.
Naked: Hahahahaha!
Pax: HEY! There’s no… I’M TRAPPED! GET ME OUT OF HERE! GET ME OUT! OPTIMUS!!!
Naked: Heh… silly you. But still, you’re safe in there. You won’t get hurt. I’ll come back out in an hour and you’ll have learned your lesson. It’s important to note that-
Backing Up Garbage Truck: *BEEP* … *BEEP* … *BEEP*… *BEEP*…
The giant forks of the garbage truck hook into and lift up the dumpster, and then the hatch releases, so that all the contents within fall into the truck.
Pax: AGHH!!!!!
Trash Compactor of Garbage Truck: *CRUNCH*cruch*… *squueeeall*… *CRUNCH* *crack* *shatter* *CRUNCH* *crunch*
Pax: AGHHHhhh-*~* (muffle)
Nakedman looks on worriedly.
Naked: Aww smack, I ain’t see nothing.
He runs away from the scene like Ray Lewis.