Orion Pax and Captain All That get into an impromtu discussion over who is cooler – Megatron or Starscream.
Orion Pax: BLASHEMER! Starscream is the future of the Decepticons. Megatron is the past. He’s old and weak. When he gets killed, does he turn into an AWESOME ghost like Starscream? No.
CAT: That’s because he turns into Galvatr-
Orion Pax: SILENCE!!! Megatron is a big wuss! Starscream is where it is at, baby!
Perhaps Orion Pax is just bitter, because in Season 2 (episode 59: “War Dawn”), The Arielbots go back in time to see Megatron kill Orion Pax.
Orion Pax: Either way – it doesn’t matter. Whether Starscream or Megatron be my leader, the Decepticons shall crush the pathetic flesh creatures of this world, and then rob all it’s energy! MWAHAHAHA! There is not a thing you, Optimus Prime, Jazz, Alpha Trion, The Plasma Energy Chamber or Vector Sigma can do about it.
CAT: Oh yeah? Well how about this?!
Captain All That throws one punch at Orion Pax, which kind of hits him in the shoulder and hurts a tiny bit.
Orion Pax: AGH!!! I HAVE BEEN HIT! Equilibrium Destabilized! DECEPTICONS, RETREAT!!!
Orion Pax runs off to the back.
CAT: Where are you going, wussy? I barely even touched you, biotch!!
But that’s just the way Decepticons are, really.
Orion Pax retreats to his secret base at the bottom of the sea. At least he think’s it’s a secret base at the bottom of the sea. He’s crazy!
Orion Pax: MWAHAHAHA!
Jailbait: *mmmpph*… *mmmph*
Jailbait is in the corner of the boiler room deep sea base. Her mouth has tape all over it and she’s tied up in a cage. A cage very similar to the cage used to hold Ravage in Episode 2, Season 1: More Than Meets the Eye Part II. Only this time, the cage isn’t just a false cage where Ravage is supposed to flee from in order to give Megatron faulty information.
Orion Pax: Ah, my pretty. That heroic Captain All Wheeljack of the Autobots has fallen into my trap!
He calls him Captain All Wheeljack because there was an Autobot named Wheeljack, and he thinks everyone is an Autobot. It’s because he’s crazy.
Orion Pax: Hahaha. He will come looking for you, Arcee, and when he does, I will threaten to rip out your optics and terminate your function! He will be scared, and he will be unable to attack me, because Autobots never risk the lives of innocents to defeat the evil! THEN I WILL SHOOT HIM WITH THE NULL RAY, HAHAHA!
As well as being crazy, Orion Pax is also a janitor. He has a broken-in-half wooden pole from a mop duct-taped to his arm, in order to simulate the mounted arm gun Starscream had – the Null Ray. It doesn’t fire though, it’s just a broomstick. Orion thinks it fires, because he’s crazy.
Orion Pax: *boom*… *boom*… *boom*… Hahahaha!
Jailbait: *MMPHH!!!*…
Orion Pax: SILENCE! I know you mumbled something about having sex with me earlier, but such things are unimportant to Decepticons. Besides, how could a woman ever love a robot? Hahaha…
Orion then thinks about Episode 54, Season 2: “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide.”
Orion Pax: Meh. I had a point somewhere. NOW… to drink of the glowing pink Energon Cube! MWAHAHAHA!
He drinks some Strawberry Kool-Aid.
Orion Pax: Ahh… refreshing. Say there girl, for a flesh creature – you sure do have a nice rack.
Jailbait: *something that sounds like a muffled “Thank You.”*
Orion Pax to plunder Hawaii’s Precious Energy Resources
Orion Pax: MWAHAHAHAHA!
Says Orion Pax, perhaps the worst one of my characters ever created.
Jailbait: *mmmmph*
Jailbait is there too. They’re at an airport. She’s tied up with her hands behind her back and her mouth gagged.
Lady at Counter: Sir, could you please stop maniacally laughing for a second so I can see if we can book you on the next flight to Hawaii?
OP: Oh, I could just transform and fly there myself, being a mighty Decepticon and all. But I’m not sure if I could carry the weight of this passenger.
Lady at Counter: Is she supposed to be bound and gag like that?
OP: Um… yes.
*shifty eyes*
Lady at Counter: Well, this is Japan and from all the pictures I see on the internet, I guess the Japanese are really in to that. So I’ll let you through. One ticket for flight-
Orion snatches them.
OP: MWAHAHAHA! The volcanic activity of the Hawaiian Islands is an unlimited source of potential power! By dropping Dr. Archival’s bomb into the Hawaiian volcano, much like his bomb was almost used in Season 1, Episode 14: “Countdown to Extinction,” I will be able to harness an unlimited source of energy to make energon cubes and rule the universe! HAHAHA… to Hawaii with me, Elita One!
Jailbait: *mmmphhh*
Pax grabs her arm and pulls her towards the airplane docking place-a-ma-jig. Something like that. I don’t know what airports look like. I haven’t been on an airplane since I was 4 or something. I don’t like flying. Had Vector Sigma wanted us to fly, he would have made us all Decepticons.
He looks out the window to see the airplane he’s getting on. It looks just like the leader of the Arielbots, that wuss who is afraid of heights.
OP: SILVERBOLT! How dare you blaspheme the skies with your presence! Slingshot should be the leader of the Arielbots and you know it! Slingshot is the one who thought Megatron was cool! He thought the Decepticons were cool. You know you should join the Decepticons. Because the Decepticons can fly and Autobots can’t. Only you are an Autobot who can fly. THIS IS ODD! AGH!!! My brain… hemorrhaging again!
Security: Excuse me sir, are you looking out the window and talking to an airplane?
OP: Um, no, I was talking to my lovely daughter here, right?
Jailbait: *mmmphhh*
Security: Oh. Carry on then.
Orion Pax and Jailbait board the plane.
Look what plane I’m on! (Necro, Jobre)
Evil Orion Pax is sitting on an airplane, flying to the land of hula skirts, leis, and volcanos that produce massive amounts of heat that can be transformed into energon cubes in order to power cybertron.
Next to him, squished by the window, is Jailbait, who is tied and gagged. On the other side is just some fat, snoring guy. Ugh… you always get stuck next to a fat guy on an airplane.
Jailbait: *mmpphhh*…
Orion Pax: Shhhh! Silence, or I will order Octane here to transform in the middle of the air, and crush us all inside of him and leave us as bloody messes.
He now thinks the airplane is Octane, a triple changer Decepticon robot, oil tanker, and airplane.
Fat Guy: *snore*
Suddenly, Pax hears the conversation in front of him.
Lexy: …I want that world title so badly. I could have…
Pax notices that there are some NGPW people in front of him. Lexy, aka: The New Necropus, and El Jobre Magnifico.
Jobre: (stuff in Spanish)
Pax: *gasp*… two NGPW Autobots right in front of us. I must throw this bag over your head so that no one sees that it is you that I have kidnapped, or else I will be in trouble and stuff. Go Starscream.
He throws one of those airplane barf bags on her head. Fortunately for Jailbait, it’s unused. But it’s also very small, and doesn’t fit on her head. So it falls off.
Pax: CURSES! This is turning out to be even worse than the Episode “Carnage in C-Minor” (Season 3, Episode 82).
It is a horrible episode.
Jailbait: *mmmphhhh!!!!*
Pax: Earth creature, there is no escape. Do not try to call for help. MWAHAHAHA!
Orion Pax’s overly-loud maniacal laughing causes everyone to turn around and look at him anyways.
Pax: What?!
Jobre: Cebo de la Cárcel!
Translator: JAILBAIT!
Pax: What? No. This is, uhh… Elita One. And she has joined the Decepticons. You cannot stop me! The power of Hawaii’s volcanoes shall be mine! MWAHAHAHA! I will transfer the power with the crystal!
Just like Season 1, Episode 9: “Fire on the Mountain.”
Decepticons do not like honey roasted (Plane)
Orion Pax and Jailbait (whom is bound and gagged – but no one notices because they all just figure she’s into that) sit in seats on an airplane right behind Necrolexy, El Jobre Magnifico, and the translator, who covers up all the things El Jobre has to say about Lexy's tight ass cheeks.
Orion Pax: Yes, soon… very soon we shall have landed in Hawaii, then the powers of the Volcanoes shall be used by the Decepticons. And I have no fear of the lava, because as we all saw in the climax of Season 1 (Episode 14, Heavy Metal War), when all of the Decepticons fell in the lava, they were not killed… but lived for yet another season. Mwahaha!
Jailbait: *MMPH*
Pax: Silence, female Autobot!
A stewardess walks up with her cart.
Stewardess: Honey Roasted Peanuts?
Pax: Do they contain Energon? For I need Energon to continue to properly function.
Stewardess: Umm… no. I don’t think I’ve ever heard about that. How about the meal?
Pax: PATHETIC FLESH CREATURE, THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!
Stewardess: Umm… okay. How about the in-flight movie? Would you like headphones to listen to it?
Pax: ME?! Watch HUMAN ENTERTAINMENT?! HA! What do you take me for, some kind of Junkion? Hahahaha.
He laughs because that is very funny to him. He finds Junkion jokes very hilarious. Because he’s crazy.
Stewardess: The movie is “The Professional.”
Pax: Hmm… this is most fortunate. For I do enjoy this movie much because a jailbait-aged Natalie Portman is in this movie and her favorite TV show is transformers. She is very wise and knows to worship the might of Starscream.
Jailbait: *mphh mphh Mphh?*
Pax: No I didn’t just call your name, what in the vector sigma are you talking about?
Jailbait: *mph mmmph*
Pax: SILENCE! Or I will get Unicron to eat you.
Jailbait: *mmfff…MMPH!*
Pax: What do you mean you like getting eaten? Oh, wait. I understand now. By Megatron, you’re not right in the head at all, little girl.
Orion Pax is calling Jailbait crazy. This is ironic, ironic because Orion Pax is a nutball.
Pax: Soon, very soon. The powers of the volcano shall be mine, and nothing can stand in my way, not even – THE AUTOBOT MATRIX! Mwahahahaha!
Landed! And now to the Mountain of Fire!
Orion Pax and Jailbait’s plane is now grounded, as you mighty recall from Necrolexy’s post.
The two walk through the Hawaiian Airport as Pax looks at the directions to Mountain View, the next location they need to be at.
Orion Pax: These schematics are more confusing than the directions to find the power source buried within the subterranean caves of Cybertron featured in Season 3, Episode 90: “Grimlock’s New Brain.”
Jailbait: *mmpphhh*
Airport Guard: Excuse me, sir… SIR.
Pax: AGH! It’s Spike Witwicky! But how come you aren’t wearing yellow boots and being all gay with Bumblebee?!
Airport Guard: Look, I know you’ve just flown in from Japan, and I don’t know what Airport Security is like there, but in the United States of America you cannot have bound and gagged women. It’s illegal.
Pax: Illegal?! ILLEGAL?! By who’s law? Your law… or Megatron’s Law?
Airport Security: Uhh… my law.
Pax: Oh, okay. That makes sense then.
He pulls the gag off of Jailbait.
Jailbait: *GASP*… Oh thank you. That has to be the longest time my mouth has ever been closed. My mom says that even before I learned how to talk I always had my mouth open and was crying for this or that. She said the only time that I ever calmed down was when this older guy who was my next door neighbor and babysitter would hold me and swing me back and forth and sing songs to me. Then my physiatrist later said that he thought that may have subconsciously caused some “issues” for me growing up. But still, it’s nice to be able to talk again. What I don’t understand is why you even gagged me in the first place. I didn’t do anything to you and I was very nice. I also don’t understand why you haven’t tried to hit on me yet, because usually when guys are around me this long they try to-
Airport Security: Okay. I see now. You can put the gag back on her.
Pax: Oh thank you, the Decepticons will reward you well for your cooperation.
Jailbait: Hey wait! What are you- *MMPHHH*… *MppmmHHH*
Orion Pax takes his Autobot female hostage out of the airport, looking for a ride.
We pick up the story about 15 minutes later as Pax and Jailbait are in the front and passenger seats of a rent-a-car heading for the Mountain View.
Pax: Yess… this car is most excellent. You would think that all cars are wussy Autobots. But this car is a STUNTICON! Meaning it is a Decepticon and it can fly.
Jailbait: Umm, whatever you say, but I think tha-
Pax does a double-take.
Pax: HUH?! When did you lose your gag?
Jailbait: Don’t you remember silly? I lost it when I had to take it off at the car rental agency in order to “make the down payment” to that cute employee.
Pax: Ah yes, I cannot believe he would not accept my promise not to crush him and this planet in return for my rental of this Stunticon. But realistically, he is wise because I do plan to crush him and suck this planet dry. MWAHAHAHAHA!
Jailbait: So, umm… you’ve literally swept me off my feet and taken me to Hawaii with you to go see the volcano. Usually I would think that was sooooo romantic. Which it would be if not for the part where you ether ragged me and gagged me and tied me up. Kinky, maybe… but not romantic.
Pax: SILENCE FLESH CREATURE! I am taking you with me to unleash the powers of the volcano, like in Episode 9, “Fire on the Mountain.” Yes, the energy of the burning lava in this volcano shall be quite enough to be transferred into a super-powerful weapon which I shall use to rule the world! Mwahahaha! And I shall transfer the energy using the ancient Incan Crystal of Power! Now I… oh wait… I don’t have the ancient Incan crystal of power.
Jailbait: Oh, tough break. I guess since we can’t do that... you can just drop me off at the beach and I can-
Pax: NO, WAIT! I am sure any crystal will do. Tell me… do you have any jewelry?!
Jailbait: Not on me. A lot of guys buy me jewelry though. It’s so sweet. And sometimes they say they will buy me jewelry, and then they don’t. I think that is kind of mean. Because there was this one time that this guy said he was going to give me a pearl necklace, only he never did because he just-
Pax: -HEY LOOK AT THAT! The volcano’s peak is in the distance! Soon, the power of the mountain shall be mine to harness for the Decepticons and rule the world. Mwahahaha!
Jailbait: I need to go to the bathroom.
Pax: Again?!
Edge of the Lava! (Jobre)
The most totally insane Orion Pax has driven his rent-a-Decepticon up the volcano steep. Now, I’m sure he needs some permit to do that.
Orion Pax: BAH! How did I do that? I thought I needed some puny flesh creature permit to do this.
Jailbait: I slept with the permit guys, remember?
Pax: Oh yeah. Right. Thanks. I’ve got to say Ms. Hostage, you sure are being nice and helpful in aiding me with my plan to convert this lava into Energon and rule the universe. MWAHAHAHAHA!
But now are both outside of the car, on a rocky hill of the Volcano itself. This is because the tires on the car melted.
Pax: Ooo!!! Iieeee! AGH! Hot feet! Hot feet! Hot feet! Ground Hot! Ground Hot!
Jailbait: *giggle*… I’m glad I’m wearing these high heels. And to think that Ginger called them “whorish tramp boots.” That will show her. I mean, if she was here.
Pax: PREPARE FOR EXTERMINATION!!! The lava power will be mine!
Jailbait: But I thought you didn’t have that crystal doo-ma-hickey. Say, I know this girl named Kyrstal. Maybe she can help. She’s a few years older than me, but this guy I was hanging out with took me to a strip club where…
Pax: I will crush you with my bare hands, Arcee!
Jailbait: Well, that doesn’t seem nice. And my name is-
A car pulls up, with two Spanish speaking guys in it, they are really confused.
Translator (in Spanish): I told you I should read the map! Now we have no idea where we are!
El Jobre Magnifico (in Spanish): But I am an expert driver with expert map skills!
Translator (Spanish): Yes. But everything on this map is in English. Sheesh, don’t you even know North from South when something is in English instead of Spanish.
El Jobre (Spanish): SILENCE, FOOLISH TRANSLATOR!
Translator (Spanish): Now look what happened. Why did you have to stop the car? The tires just melted! Is this even a road we can legally drive on?
El Jobre (Spanish): *GASP*… look over yonder! It is the woman that I wish to be my tag partner, only she has not agreed yet and has only had sex with me!
Translator (Spanish): Yes, and me too. Look, she is with that deviant loud guy from the airplane who I believe has kidnapped her, only that’s his business and not mine – so I didn’t ask.
Pax: Agh! That car! It looks like Cliffjumper! Then that must be Chip Chase and Spike Witwicky in there! They must be destroyed!
Jailbait: HEY! It’s my Latin Lover, El Jobre Rickymartino! JOBRE!!!
El Jobre and the translator get out of the car.
El Jobre (Spanish): OooO! Ahhh! Feet hot! Feet hot!
*bling*bling*… Orion Pax notices the gleaming of the humorously large diamond that El Jobre wears around his hand.
Translator (Spanish): Doesn’t that weigh a lot on your ring finger? Shouldn’t you wear it around your neck or something?
Pax walks up, pulling Jailbait with him.
Jailbait: Hey there, my Chiliean darling. This crazy guy here doesn’t want to have sex with me, it’s so strange. Usually when I’m taken to a secluded place with a huge view like this, the guys pull out the cameras and-
Pax: CHILEAN?! If I am not mistaken, from what Starscream surveyed of this puny world of flesh creatures, the Incan Empire extended as far down South as Chile. And you are Chilean, therefore… THAT MUST BE THE INCAN CRYSTAL OF POWER! MWAHAHAHA!
El Jobre: Que?
Translator: “You’re a douchebag.” Hahaha… no seriously, he said, “what?”
Pax: GIVE ME THE CRYSTAL! Once it is mine I can covert the powers of the fiery mountain and rule the world. Do not get in my way, I will spare your worthless lives if you ally with the Decepticons right now!
Orion Pax runs over and yanks the diamond off of Jobre.
El Jobre (Spanish): AGHH!!! My finger!
Translator: He says, ah screw it. You know what he says.
Orion Pax runs up the slope of the Volcano with the crystal and Jobre gives chase.
Jailbait: Wow, I hope they don’t trip or fall. The ground is very hot and it might burn one of them.
Translator: So, wanna do it in the back of one of these cars?
The chase up the slope continues… with Pax screaming.
Pax: DECEPTICONS, RETREAT! RETREAT! AGHH!!!! Soundwave… Jam that Transmission!
El Jobre (Spanish): Give me back my diamond! For it is my lucky diamond that gives me good luck in the ring.
I’d return it if I was him.
Pax: STOP!, Human… your flesh cannot stand this intense heat, unlike the powerful Decepticon metals that I am made of. Follow me no further. Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Jobre: Eso es una pregunta que usted debe preguntarse, perra.
Pax: HAHAHA! You’re too late!
Orion Pax, who is helluva crazy, stands at the edge of a volcano. One of those edges where you can look in and see lava deep within, and steam rising above.
Pax: Now the powers should be mine, once I do this-
Pax drops the diamond into the Volcano.
Diamond: *Sssttt*
It quickly melts into a liquefied blob of carbon.
El Jobre (Spanish): El %@$#* sucking @%^*&! Grande!!!!
Pax: Hrmm. I wonder why it isn’t working. Why aren’t the massive energies of the Volcano being released so that I may dominate the universe?
El Jobre Magnifico runs over and tries to push Orion in.
Pax: Hey, what the- OH CRAP!
Fiery Lava Pits… and Secret Layer? (Match, Jobre)
When last we saw Jobre and Orion Pax, they were fighting on the volcano top. This segues quite well into the match booked for the card, which is Jobre and Orion Pax fighting on a volcano top.
Odd, no?
Jobre: Grande Taco Chiquita Cinqo de Mayo!
Jobre brags to Orion Pax after his punch to him.
Orion Pax: Actually, it really didn’t hurt that much. Your slaps are kind of girlie and weak. Like a pathetic flesh creature.
Jailbait: Okay, we’re all pathetic flesh creatures. We get it. Could you please stop repeating yourself? And if you’re so interested in flesh, why don’t you pay attention to these mounds of flesh on my chest, huh? They really are nice. I just can’t understand any guy who wouldn’t be interested in these. Except for, you know, gay guys.
Pax: Are you trying to insinuate something? As it happens, I get quite a bit of Female Decepticon tail on Cybertron. Sure you don’t see them on the show ever, you only see female Autobots, but that’s because 1980s morning television standards were too wussy to allow for evil females!
Jobre: Qué sobre Mal-Lyn y Baronesa?
Translator: El Jobre says, “What about Evil-Lyn and Baroness?”
Pax: SHUT UP! Those shows sucked! They are just cartoons! Transformers is real! REAL! REAL! And I… wait a minute. Did one of you say something about a mad scientist’s lab with a ladder?
Jobre: Si.
Pax: Dr. Archival! It must be. He will help the Decepticons for sure! He will help me harness the power of the Volcano to rule the world! And it’s not like he’s untrustworthy at all. Nope.
Translator: Not so fast, Orion Pax. You and Jobre have a match to take care of first.
Pax: Match? Match? But… but… I haven’t slammed since Cyberslam. I, like, retired in June of 2000.
Suddenly, Butterbean and Money Williams show up in lawn chairs, headsets and carrying a desk.
BB: Wow, this ground sure is hot.
Money: My flip flops are burning up!
BB: Nice Hawaiian shirt, Money. You know what they say about guys who wear Hawaiian shirts?
Money: Nope.
BB: Well fans, we’re broadcasting live from the top of the volcano! We’ll be here until either Orion Pax or El Jobre gets a pin… or until one of them burns up in a fiery death within the lava.
Money: I brought marshmallows!
Pax: Well, if it is wrestling you want, it is wrestling you get. Together we shall fight. The winner will gain control over this volcano and the amazing powers within it. Either the Autobots will win, and be very wussy and use the energy for good. Or I and the Decepticons will win, and use the power to conquer the universe. Tell me which sounds cooler?
Jailbait: You know, Mr. Pax. If you conquer the universe I guess I will just have to be your obedient servant and do anything you tell me to do, even if that means-
Pax: -I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU!
Jailbait: Oooo… Why?! Why?! What did I do to deserve this? How can a man not find me desirable?
She sulks.
Pax: One shall stand, one shall fall.
Jobre: Fiesta Los Lobos El Nino, Three Amigos!
Orion Pax and El Jobre have a stare down… and it commences! The two hook up, this time for some action hopefully more exciting than a Wet Noodle Slap!
BB: Jobre… Pax! This should be interesting.
Money: Why isn’t Jailbait fighting? Why is she just standing over there? I want to see some hot upskirt action!
BB: OHHH! Orion Pax with a Russian Leg Sweep! Right onto the smoldering, rocky ground!
Tbc…
Why don’t you just DIE!!! (and Hugs!, Ileya, Jobre)
BB: Wow! Look at those vicious thunderstomps!
Money: Umm… thunderstomps are pretty weak, Butterbean.
BB: Oh really, then how come Orion is screaming in pain?
Orion Pax: AGHH!!!!!!!
Money: Well, the ground is flaming hot.
BB: Ah yes, I remember now.
Meanwhile, Jailbait watches the match and gives Ileya a nice hug to show affection. This would be non-lesbian affection, unlike all the other girls in the fed.
Ileya: You sure we have to stick around and watch this thing?
Jailbait: I don’t know, but we’re better safe than sorry.
Ileya: I guess. Just promise that you’re coming with me as soon as it’s over.
Jailbait: Will do, and… Oh… it’s so hot up here. And I’m so sweaty. I could just take my shirt off and-
Ileya: Hold it! Lets get in the car over there. It will keep us off the hot ground and maybe we can crank on the AC and watch the match from there.
Jailbait: Good thinking! That’s why you’re so smart and I’m glad you’re my teacher!
The two go over to the car. Ileya gets in the driver’s seat and turns the key to get the Airconditioner going. Jailbait climbs in and lays on the back seat.
Ileya: Umm…
Jailbait: Oh yeah, sorry… that’s just a force of habit when getting into cars for me.
She climbs out of the back seat and then sits in the front passenger seat next to Ileya.
Ileya: See? It’s cool in here and we can see the match.
And what is going on in that match? I’m glad you asked!
BB: Orion Pax has picked himself up… and now he’s charging at El Jobre Magnifico!
Jobre: Ay carumba!!!
BB: SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!
Money: You don’t have to say everything 3 times. Besides, it wasn’t that good of a move anyways.
Jobre picks himself up, dazed by the side of the cliff. But un-burnt (not the former ceo) because his parka (not la parka) protection.
Pax: Hehehehe… Constructicons, Transform Phase 1… and now… PHASE 2!!!
Orion Pax’s phase 2… pushing Jobre off the edge of the Volcano.
*push*
Jobre: AGHH!!!!!!
BB: NO! Not AGAIN!
*CLONK*
A moment of silence falls over the group as they wonder El Jobre’s fait in the volcano.
*clank*clank*clank*clank*clank*clank*
Jobe emerges from the ladder that was mentioned to be there previously… leading to an evil scientist’s lair.
BB: He's up! He didn’t land in the lava! He’s alive!
Money: Phooey. Someone should wind up in the lava next time.
Pax: So Autobot, the matrix wills that you live, does it? Well, perhaps your fortune will not be so great this time! MWAHAHAHA!
Orion Pax heads for Jobre again. Jobre tries to dodge, but can’t do it in time because all his parkas make him less manuverable.
*push*
The translator looks on and cringes as Jobre as he falls down into the pit again.
Jobre: AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
*CLONK*
A moment of silence falls over the group as they wonder El Jobre’s fait in the volcano.
*clank*clank*clank*clank*clank*clank*
Jobre emerges from the ladder… AGAIN.
Pax: AGH!!! WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIE?! You’re like Wheelie… you just won’t go away!
Pax pushes him.
*push*
Jobre: AGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
*CLONK*
A moment of silence falls over the group as they wonder El Jobre’s fait in the volcano.
*clank*clank*clank*clank*clank*clank*
Jobe emerges from the ladder.
Pax: Okay, I give up. I’m not even going to try that again. It is pretty clear that no one can fall down there and actually die because… AGHH!!!!!!
*push*
This time, Jobre pushes Orion Pax off the side… Pax falls and falls until we hear…
*SIZZLE*
The sound of the sizzle is pretty loud, and quite different than the metallic clank of Jobre landing on the mad scientist’s lair inside the volcano. The announcers have their eyes wide open in disbelief.
BB: Was that a… a… sizzle?
Money: *gulp*… I think it was.
El Jobre Magnifico nervously looks down, afraid that he might have just murdered a man.
Pax: HAHAHAHA… you’re such a sucker!
*sizzle*
Orion Pax stands on top of the scientist’s layer, cooking some bacon and eggs over the lava. That’s where the sizzling sound came from. Hohoho!
Pax: Didn’t expect that, now didja?
Action Heats up... Har har (Jobre, Ileya)
Jailbait, Ileya and now the translator sit in the car, waiting for one individual or another to emerge from the volcano top and be the victor.
Jailbait: Ugh… I’m so bored. I can’t even see the match any more.
Ileya: I told you we should ditch this thing. But I suppose we should wait until we lose creepy guy here.
Translator: HEY! I can understand you, you know!
Ileya: Whatever, doesn’t stop you from being creepy.
Back by the fiery Lava and stuff…
BB: WOW! Those Firebird Splashes really are hitting Orion hard!
Money: Wait… how can we see this? It’s down in the-
BB: Come on, Money… you know how! We’re looking into our Volcano-Cam1 monitors!
Money: Oh yeah, it’s a good thing that Hawaii let us set up camera’s everywhere, even in their precious socio-cultural landmarks such as this volcano.
BB: It was very nice of them indeed.
And El Jobre is beating the heck out of Orion, who has ring rust due to being out of action for over 2 years.
Orion Pax: OW! STOP! HEY!… Give me a break. I don’t even know how to wrassle. I’m a slammer… from cyberslam… not a wrassler. Come on, it’s not even a wrestler, it’s all incorrectly spelled. What's up with that? Who owns Wrestle.Net, huh?
*SLAP*
BB: OH! And a counter by Orion Pax! He slaps him right in the face!
Jobre: Grande Ouch-o!
Pax: Now, pathetic Bumblebee…
He think’s he’s Bumblebee because the font color=yellow.
Pax: You’re time is nearly up. I have had enough of these games with you, and shall now de-particalize you with the DEPARTICLIZER!!!
Orion reaches into his pants.
BB: *gasp*
Money: SICK!
No… he’s not reaching into his pants there… he’s reaching into his pocket and pulls out…
a hair comb?
Pax: Now, your particles shall be broken up all over the planet, once I fire this at you!
Jobre: That-o is-o a comb-o.
Pax: That is-o where you-o are wrong-o, pathetic flesh creature. This is the Departiclizer! DIEEEEE!
Orion aims it and “fires” it, but nothing happens. Nothing happens because it is a comb. Orion Pax is crazy.
Pax: CURSES! It didn’t work. How could it have possibly broke? You… you must have infected it with cosmic rust!
See Episode 61: “Cosmic Rust,” aka: “Rust in Piece.”
Pax: Ah, forget about it. I’ll just wrestle you.
BB: WHOA! And now Orion Pax hooks up with El Jobre…
Money: Wait… is that a neckbreaker he is about to do…?
BB: NO! Look… it looks like some sort of modified stunner! OH MY! It’s his Decepticon Finisher – THE NULL RAY!
Money: I thought the Null Ray was that broomstick which he broke in half earlier and threatened to shoot people with.
BB: He’s a very fragile man, Money… don’t mention that to him or his reality will crack and he’ll be like Buffy in that one episode where she thought that her entire life was a nightmare and she was really in a mental institution and was never really the slayer.
Money: Ugh? You watch Buffy? Homo. You are such a Living Dead Girl.
Pax and Jobre continue to battle it out by the Lava, while in a little tribal town down the Volcano…
Tribe Leader: The Volcano is about to blow! We must sacrifice a virgin to it!
Tribesman1: Say, don’t you think that’s a little backwards for us? I mean… we do speak English. This is the 21st Century. Look… check out my Cellular Phone. I have 1000 anywhere minutes a month.
Tribesman2: Yeah, I’m a Christian. I don’t know about this sacrifice stuff.
Tribeswoman: I agree with those two.
Tribe Leader: SILENCE! Who is the leader here? I am… that’s right. Now where will we find a virgin around here?
Not Jailbait.
Mad Scientist, Angry Natives, and Teen Sex (from Jobre)
Lots of stuff is going on around Mt. Kiluea. Orion Pax and El Jobre Magnifico were battling it out by the lava, and found there way to a secretive lab in the Volcano. A group of tribesman are considering sacrificing a virgin to appease the volcano gods that they don’t believe in, and think the cartoon nerd Orion Pax to be a good candidate for virginity. And finally, Jailbait, Ileya and the translator are in a car, waiting for all this madness to end.
Jailbait: UGH!!! It’s been soooo long since I’ve been with a man. I mean, that thing with those guys at the airport was like… hours ago.
Ileya: Damnit Jb… don’t make me kick that translator out of here. You’re not doing anything like that while I’m around.
Jailbait: Yeah, you’re right. Besides… I’ve already slept with that guy before. I mean, what would be the point of sleeping with the same person multiple times over the course of a lifetime, huh?
Translator: Well, actually, I think that I-
Ileya: YOU SHUT UP BACK THERE!
The door opens and Jailbait gets out.
Ileya: HEY! Where do you think you’re-
Jailbait: Those two guys have been gone for soooo long. I wanna check on them to make sure that they’re okay.
Ileya: You mean sleep with them, huh? WAIT! Come back… Oh, damnit.
Ileya gets out and chases off after Jailbait, who is headed for the ladder down to the lab/lair. The translator considers giving chase, but the car he is in is a lowrider, so no way he is getting out. He starts listing to Konnan rap songs.
Translator: Bow wow wow, yippie yo, yippie yay… oil of olay, all day, everyday.
This ends my 1998 Disco Inferno WCW references.
Orion Pax: AGHH!!!!!
Jobre: El-AGHH-O!!!!!
Pax: *GASP*… Dr. ARCHEVILLE! The Villainous Half-Man, Half-Robot ally of the Decepticons in the Ultimate Doom Parts 1-3 and Countdown to Extinction! YOU REALLY EXIST!
Orion Pax jumps up in triumph, now believing the religion he has formed around transformers to be true!
Jobre: Que?
Dr. ARCHEVILLE: Of course I exist. For I am… ah screw it. No, I don’t exist.
He tears off his human-robo mask to reveal.
Now all my posts will be about a 15 year old slutty ho again, happy? Yeah, me too.