Orion Pax, who is replacing Charon for today until whenever I get bored of running him in 3 feds, watches TV.
He sees Bush the Idiot talking about Orion Pax being in the New Lead in Cslam.
Orion Pax: AGH!!!! How did he know that?! I must hide… yes… HIDE EVIDENCE!
Suddenly… Orion Pax sees it. Evidence!
OP: I must destroy this webpage. People will see that I was actually the LEADER of the New Lead. *ugh*…
Then Orion Pax notices something else.
OP: HAHAHAHAHA… Look at that! There was a crappy stable named “Cabal” back then too. It was led by Bramabull! HAHAHA… VON SUCKS! Hehehe.
Orion Pax then looks at other embarrassing things that make the embarrassment of himself look less bad.
He looks at another page, with a later date, this one…
OP: HAHAHAHA!… This is funny.
Stryfe is in a stable called rEgeneration eXtreme!
Mikey_ripper is in a stable called Gods of War! WITH A GUY NAMED Goldberg_!
Sheepinator was a Rogue Knight!
El_jefe in the SOCIETY OF DOOM (all caps)!
Look… The Carney Crew: Vile and Vile_ii! HAHAHAHA!
Nature Boy in the 187?!
HAIRY WAS IN XTASY! Oh my GOD! Hahahaha…
Benny Blair in The Assassin’s Guild. OH MY!
Magnifico… aka Mags – The Pantheon of Darkness, Deathwish and Pagan are there too!
There, by mocking the stables others were in, Orion Pax feels a lot better about being in the New Lead.
Maybe you can go and see where your characters were at those points too.
Orion Pax: I’ve learned an important lesson today. It’s that no matter where you came from, you likely sucked at one point. And that I shouldn’t hide from my past, but accept it. Also, that… -huh? AHAHAHAHA! …Look! HARDLEG! *giggle*
Yes, just mentioning Hardleg is funny. Arrr!
Kiebler Must be UNICRON!!!
Orion Pax is doing his job, which is sweeping the floor, because he’s a janitor. An occupation that most New Lead members will hope to attain one day in real life.
Orion Pax: *whistle*… Say, what's that on the TV?
Orion Pax sees a homoish looking moor.
Mittens: I want my body back! Give me my body back, Kiebler!!!
OP: By Optimus!
Orion gasps to himself.
OP: It seems as this Doctor Kiebler fellow has the ability to give people new bodies. He also seems to be an unstoppable planet-eating giant that wins every friggin tsob and tag tsob there is. That means he can only be… UNICRON!
Dunnn dunn DUNNN!!!
OP: I must use the power of the MATRIX to destroy him. Yes, I shall open the Matrix and Light our Darkest Hour. Then Kieblercron will be destroyed and the good people of Earth and Cybertron alike no longer have to look at that Optimus-damned picture on the main page again.
Orion Pax holds up Charon’s golden, shiny NEMESIS TITLE, which looks kind of like the Matrix in OP’s mind. Really. It does.
OP: This is the Matrix! I shall use it to blow Dr. Kiebler into small pieces except his head, which will forever float around the planet and menace us all!
And so Orion Pax goes off to Dr. Kiebler’s locker room.
Man, he sure has had a lot of knocks at the door today.
*knock*knock*
“Aghh!!! What is it this time?! If it is that cat man again I will put him to sleep!”
The Door opens.
OP: Greetings, UNICRON!
“Oh Yays! The janitor, I now have someone who can clean up the mess I make of him after I pummel him about carelessly!”
OP: I now possess that which you most fear, Unicron. You will not be able to eat Cybertron! Now, light our darkest hour!
Pax starts tugging on the Nemesis Title, which he thinks is the Matrix opening up to glow shiny light upon Unikiebs and blow him up.
“Yes, break the title. Very impressive. I’m simply amazed, you feelthy cow.”
*WHAM*
He slams the door shut in Orion’s face. Who immediately tries to figure out a justification in his fragile mind of why the matrix didn’t work.
OP: *gasp*… Optimus Prime used up the power of the Matrix in The second episode of “The Return of Optimus Prime” (Season 3, Episode 95) in order to destroy the red hate plague that infected all life in the universe. The matrix must have time to build up wisdom and knowledge once again. It is my duty as an Autobot to seek this knowledge and fill the Matrix again… TILL ALL ARE ONE!
Orion skips off, contently.
Mittens is a Decepticon! (AoD)
Orion Pax has wandered into a room known as the “Evil Lair of Evil” in order to sweep it. This is Arsenic’s old locker room. Arsenic who is very lame, the guy who ran him was gay.
Anyway, it is right next to the AoD Locker room, and has a secret entrance to it. Orion Pax listens through the paper-thin, Japanese style wall.
Mittens: Kiebler must give me my old body back! … blah blah blah… dwarves… mining equipment… blah blah…
And Mittens leaves the AoD Locker room to go find mining equipment and a huge cage.
Orion Pax: *gasp*… This Mittens character wants to get his “old body” back from Kiebler. I have already determined that this Kiebler fellow is UNICRON, the planet-eating, TSOB-winning villain! This means Mittens must be GALVATRON, who wants back his old body – Megatron’s body!
Orion Pax thinks.
OP: This cannot be good. Galvatron is ass crazy, and with him leading the Decepticons – they never even come close to winning. But if sane Megatron were to return, it is quite possible he could easily defeat Rodimus Prime and the rest of the wussy, effeminate Autobot cast of the third Transformers season – including Wheelie and such.
Pax opens the door and heads into the AoD locker room, to stop this. He misses Mittens, but finds Bush and Iron Sam Vane.
OP: Iron Sam Vane?! You must be… IRONHIDE! Come with me Ironhide. Let us defeat the Decepticons and I promise you will not die in the movie this time!
IronHide Sam Vane: Arrrrr?
Bush the Idiot stares at Orion Pax, squinting stupid facial expressions.
Pax looks back at Bush, squinting and confused.
These two may have both just found their intellectual equivalent.
Hi, I was left off of the Card.
Orion Pax, one crazy Autobot mofo, wakes up on the middle of the AoD locker room floor. No one else is around. The card has started.
Orion Pax: Hrmm… my rear end is sore. I guess I slept on it wrong or something.
Pax stands up and forgets what he was doing.
OP: Umm… wait. Someone was a Decepticon… or something like that. Umm… wait… I remember… it’s uhh… uhh…
He rubs his temple, he’s still woozy and light headed.
OP: MITTENS! … oh wait… and KIEBLER! They are both Decepticons. I remember now. AND HEAD! HEAD IS A DECEPTICON TOO!
Head is a villainous Decepticon for totally leaving me off of the card. Everyone knows that. He just must be jealous of me because my amazingly humorous post about crappy Cyberslam stables.
OP: How will I be able to defeat the villainous Decepticons if I am not booked in matches with them? Where I can put on my devastating finisher… THE METROPLEX!?!
Metroplex was a transformer city. Sounds a lot like a type of a suplex, doesn’t it?
OP: Yes, someone shall pay for this… they shall pay dearly. And that person will be GALVATRON… or whoever else I can find first. Because I’m going to go out and punch someone in the face right now for no good reason.
The actual reason he would do such a thing is because he’s crazy… damn crazy.
OP: TILL ALL ARE ONE! Autobots… Transform and Roll Out!!!
He makes the transforming noise and skates out of the locker room.
OP: Man, my butt really is sore.
Count Orion Pax, Huzzah.
Suddenly very confused by his past gimmicks, and cutting cake with the AoD, Orion Pax goes a little nutso.
Err… more nutso than usual.
Orion Pax: HUZZAH! This be a well tale of merriment, nay?
Transformers and the Middle Ages… they just don’t mix. Hrmm… or do they?
OP: Transformers Season 2, Episode 40: “A Decepticon Raider in King Arthur's Court.” Warpath, Hoist, and Spike are fighting Starscream, Ravage, Rumble, and Ramjet when the Decepticons go in a cave to escape, pursued by the Autobots, and all are transported back to medieval times. The Decepticons hook up with one Lord, while the Autobots hook up with another knight whose daughter Spike is attracted to. Spike gets a full suit of armor and rides Warpath in a joust against Rumble and Ramjet…
Bush the Idiot: - Yes, this is great, but I-
OP: .*ahem*… As I was saying, the joust is not spectacular, because the Transformers are low on fuel. The Decepticons kidnap the knight's daughter, and are able to repel the Autobots because their human ally provided them with an energy source (right before they betrayed him, of course). They also have an advantage because they have made a primitive gunpowder. The Autobots eventually win, the daughter agrees to marry her kidnapper, and the Transformers go back to the cave with a wizard who promises to send them home. The action is not over yet, because the Transformers must duck a dragon to get to the cave. They find themselves back in the middle of the major battle they started out in.
Everyone looks at Orion Pax oddly.
OP: And then of course, you can’t forget the other episode that the Transformers went back in time to medieval times. Season 3, Episode 78: “Madman's Paradise.” Spike and his wife Carly host a banquet for a visiting ambassador. Their son Daniel gets impatient and storms off. Grimlock follows him and they find a mystical chamber where they fall back in time to a mysterious world of medieval magic, sorcerers and dragons. It’s really a place where Quintessons banished their criminals. In this world of magic they fight on the Red Wizard's side. Only until they find out that he is a banished Quintesson and that they must help the Golden One. Fortunately, Blaster, Ultra Magnus and the boys show up to…
*SMACK*
Iron Sam Vane: ARR! Quit describing episodes of Transformers and talk in Gothic Talk to entertain me, ARR!!!
OP: Yeah, right. HUZZAH! Thou be a foolish moor and I shalt smite thee… hahahaha… and thou be a moor to, squire Mittens. For why doth thou have the name of a cat? Thou homoish moor?
Mittens: HEY! Don’t call me tha-
Bush: Ah, so you picked up on the homoish thing too, huh? Good.
Mittens: I’m warning you… I’m going to go off and do a post not involving you guys like my last one if you keep this up.
OP: Thou canst do as thou wish-eth. But for now, I shalt smite many a Decepticons. Aye, it shall be a noble crusade against Megatron and the gang of villainy that surrounds him, those foul beasts of iron! For the Autobots be More Than Meets Thine Eye, for they be Mechanical Contraptions in Disguise!
How long with Orion Pax confuse his gimmicks? Oh my! And when will Charon be back… these questions and many others to never be answered by me because I’m too good to advance plotlines!
Choosing Between Galvatron and Unicron? *GASP*
Mittens, the AoD Homoish moor, propositions Orion Pax in the hallway to help him win the match.
Orion Pax: Help Galvatron? NEVER!
Mittens: But look what your other choice is… Unicron. Look what happens if I don’t win. Unicron wins.
OP: Hrm… you’re right. You’ve got to give me a few minutes to think about this… hrmm…
He rubs his chin. He’s half wondering what to do, and half wondering what happened to the medieval talk he was doing earlier that he has decided to drop for this post.
OP: Well, Galvatron is ass crazy. He has no idea what is going on, and the Decepticons are sure to lose with a nutball like him in charge. And Unicron is a giant planet-gobbling, TSOB-winning freak who can crush entire worlds in minutes. So from those arguments it seeeeeeems like helping Galvatron would be a better idea.
Galvartron: It is! It is!
OP: But then again… I think you get your old body back if you win. And that means you get to become Megatron, and Megatron was a lot smarter and better than Galvatron. For one, he wasn’t friggin insane… he didn’t shoot his own troops when he got angry. He was a tactical, ingenious villain that came close to defeating Optimus Prime over and over again, and defeating Unicron… suuuure, he’s bigger and badder – but all I have to do is open up the Matrix and he blows up into little pieces. What could be easier than that?
Pax turns and makes his decision to Mittens/Galvatron.
OP: I am an Autobot, and I will favor no one.
Mittens: WHAT?!
OP: Autobots are not cheaters. May the best robot in disguise win. It would break Cybertronian code for an Autobot to be biased, and there is no way I can do it. Plus I’m hoping that if you two guys just beat the heck out of each other you’ll both be scrap and then I can easily finish both of you off no problemo.
Mittens: JERKFACE!
He storms off.
OP: Ugh… what a son of a Wreck-Gar!
Charon viciously kills Orion Pax
Orion Pax is sitting in Charon’s locker room. The same Orion Pax who jobbed the title to Buffy the Vampire Slayer at the PPV.
Orion Pax: *sigh*… this is so sad. Charon leaves and I just give away his title. I feel so guilty. I hope he doesn’t come back and viciously kill me.
Does Orion suspect too much? Or perhaps he just read the title of the post!
Orion Pax thumbs through the TV guide.
OP: Ooo… look! They’re running Gladiator later this week on the network! That has a guy named Maximus in it. Kind of like Fortress Maximus! The Transformer! WOW!
Orion Pax eats chocolate.
OP: *munch*munch*… Mmm… this is good. But I should save it for Halloween. Because I have this really bitchin’ Optimus Prime costume that I made, and I’m going to have the best costume out of all the…
The fiery gates of hell open.
OP: AGHH!!!!!!!!!! Just like in that Episode, “The Core,” when Megatron was drilling to the center of the Earth so that he-
Charon emerges from the fire and steam escaping the dark and burning hell from whence he came.
Charon: HADES! IT’S HADES, damnit. Not hell.
Sorry.
Charon: ORION PAX… who blaspheme my good name!
OP: NO! I’m so sorry for losing the Nemesis Title, it will never hap-
Charon: Nemesis Title? I’m talking about all this friggin html you use. Look at that. FONT COLORS! It makes me sick. Who uses Font Colors? I mean seriously… I can kind of understand an extreme member with quick tags… but I’m Hardcore.
OP: Please no… don’t hurt me. Say, you kind of look like some sort of Decepticon. Maybe I should fight you.
Charon: No, biotch… I look like Skeletor.
And Charon whacks Orion Pax with his paddle and sends him into the fiery pits.
*WHACK*
OP: AGHH!!!!!!
Charon: HAHAHAHAHA! I’m back, baby!
Say, I wonder how Charon got released from his Ferrymen of the Dead duties this time. Last time he escaped, but was caught and brought back.
Charon: I got laid off. Underworld Enterprises™ was constantly overstating it’s Elysian Field numbers to get a subsidy from Zeus. But with the new corporate accountability legislation on Mt. Olympus, there was an audit and the CEOs got caught red handed. So now there are massive lay-offs. Everyone is going down. I’ve agreed to testify against the whole enterprise at the Olympus court room in return for immunity and a box of chocolates.
Charon opens his box of chocolates and eats one.
It falls right to the floor because he is a skeleton.
Charon: Fie!