Dr. A Faux BRB Report I don’t actually remember much of this, but from what little I can gather, leading up to the Feb/March 2002 Bar Room Brawl (which I was in), Chevalier decided he’d use his big fat (har!) influence to give out his personal advice to everyone participating in the BRB. Since I had beaten Chevalier in every Rewrite Match I have faced him in, I decided that I was a MUCH BETTER person to be giving out Rewrite tips than him. So I think I got Davros to post this thing for me specifically to mock Chevs. Since I was actually participating in the BRB, I also used the opportunity to tell all my opponents they should just forfeit to me. It didn’t work, as I would be smashingly defeated in the first round.

Hrm… so I see Chevalier is trying to tell everyone how to fight in a Barroom Brawl. But what does Chevalier know about rewrite matches? Obviously not as much as me, because he has NEVER BEATEN ME in one. Yes. That’s right. We have fought multiple times, and he just couldn’t tell a better story than me, Dr. Abortion.

You know, I wonder if in that “Man of 26 Rewrites” thing that Chevy claims, if he counts that rewrite match against me when he was too much of a wuss to show up. The one where he no-showed because he couldn’t win. I bet he doesn’t. So try “man of 27 rewrites.” Of course - he had an excuse - and them promised he would try his hardest and beat me the next time, but even when he tried his hardest, he couldn’t beat me.

And if Chevy is so good a rewrites, how come he's not in the Goddamn BRB, huh?

This all obviously means that I am not only a better man to get advice from on this event: but also a better human being as a whole. Now I’ll start with the advice. This leads me to the first part of winning a rewrite contest…

Bribe Your Judges! Its after Valentine’s day, so there will be lots of candy at Wal-Mart with reduced prices. Get your judge’s home address and send them some sweet candy, kind of in the same way that Daos was sent a blowup doll of John Holmes.

Videos and Pictures always work If you are facing me in this Bar Room Brawl, because I am in it, you should have no quality in your posts what so ever. Dedicate no time to actually writing the match. Just post a few pictures and say “screw it, that’s good enough.” Remember - this ESPECIALLY works if you are facing me in a match, Dr. Abortion. Got that Rude Girl and Disciple? Chevalier is just unwontedly biased against flash because how Al Bradd totally destroyed him with them. Plus he’s not smart enough to do them himself, so he just pretends like they don’t matter.

Write in Arabic! At least one-fourth of your post should be written totally in Arabic, Sanskrit, or some other language that the judges cannot understand. This shows what judges like to call, “cultural appreciation.” Your rewrite is not a way to win a BRB, but a multicultural event that celebrates the rising interdependence and unity in the broadening, globalized world.

Don’t Know the Broadcast Team! “Some Guy” and “Some Other Guy” work really well as announcers. After all, Whitelight has been to the Barroom Brawl. Not knowing the other characters you are facing and not knowing your own gimmick can sometimes be helpful to. Its perhaps best if you just fill in a couple of adjectives and verbs into a “madlib” and turn that in. Yeah.

Giant Revelations Work! Especially if you are not me. If you end up winning the Bar Room Brawl, and you are not me - please reveal yourself to actually be me.

Always job to Dr. Abortion! Really. Don’t even put up an effort. Because I am going to win anyway. Its perhaps better if you spend your time playing the Playstation instead of wasting it in a futile attempt to beat me. Once you lose you’ll be like, “Ah, and least I put up no effort instead of putting up a lot of effort and losing anyway.”

Thanks, following these helpful tips will allow you to be a WINNER, not a LOSER, like - say - that Nakedman guy in Barroom Brawl 13, who lost to Vulcan Raven. He sucked.

Dr. Abortion