The fed he was randomly sent to was the NHE. But in a few days he transferred to the SHOW, where I had many zany adventures for several months.
And things will never be the same again.
Post in the NHE, (OCT 2, 2001):
The sound of the life being drained of a soul hits the PA system, followed by “Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi. You know you wanted to hear it.
DF: What? Who’s music is that? What's going on here?
JB: I don’t know… all I do know, is that that music must be the music of a true legend! A hero! A man among men!!
Out of the Entrance Ramp steps a man, not just any man. A doctor wearing a blue medical suit. A stethoscope hangs around his neck. A mic is in his hand.
Next to him stands an attractive, well endowed lady in a nurse’s outfit.
Dr. Abortion: LADIES, and Gentlemen… please allow me to introduce myself. Not that you’ll need to know my name – because I hope that I’ll be out of this sorry waste of space fed within a few day. My name, is Dr. Abortion.
The crowd boos. You would too.
DF: Dr. Abortion?!
Dr. A: I am not only the greatest singles performer in the history of Cyberslam, I am not only the most sadistic, evil man to have ever graced it – but I am the Doc from DC, I am the Practical Practitioner, I am the Maniacal Medic, and most importantly – I am the Physician on A Mission.
Ms. C snatches the microphone away.
Ms. Contraceptive: That’s right, Doc. You tell them. And none of you, not a single one of you has what it takes to stand on his level. Oh… and for those of you who may have heard of us before… who may have seen the name… who heard that we were "dead"… well, heh… boy have we got a story for you.
The Doc from DC takes the mic back.
Dr. A: Well, not really for you. The story is probably for a better fed. One that really matters.
He takes the mic and violently tosses it into the crowd, his music coming on again as he and Ms. C smile and go to the back.
Somewhere, wherever he is, a man named Whitelight agrees with the Doc.
The Doc from DC has not seen this much suck since the iUIWA
Dr. Abortion, the big bad baby-killer, paces around backstage with Ms. Contraceptive. They don’t have a Locker Room yet – and with any luck, they never will here.
Dr. A: I can’t believe this. We had a plot. A plan. June 2000… we faked our deaths. Like 15 fricking months we’re gone… and its all to suddenly show up here? Geez. This is worse than the CSlam indies. Remember Bunyip?
Ms. C: Who can forget Bunyip? Remember when I had sex with him?
Dr. A: I hated that plotline.
Ms. C: Well, with me leading you into battle – guiding your every move, controlling you in every way, shape and form, as my own personal puppet – you can do no wrong. I own you, James.
Dr. A: Gee, thanks. You make me feel so much better.
Dr. A stands there, watching some of the other wrestlers walk by. He’s disgusted.
Dr. A: Look. These guys aren’t slammers. They are marks. People who think they’re X-Pac. People who think they’re a rapper. It makes my sick to my stomach.
Ms. C: That’s what most people say about you.
Dr. A: Killin’ babies for a living made me good money. You gotta hire someone to work at the Free Clinics. When men make mistakes, I fix them… when the money is right, even when the women don’t want them fixed.
Ms. C: I’d call that illegal.
Dr. A: Yeah, that certainly is a miscarriage of justice. Hehehehe.
Ms. Contraceptive rolls her eyes.
Dr. A: Hey, check this out. It’s the CRF Rewrite title. I had the midgets steal it when Cyberslam went out of business. It is my property technically – I never did lose it. I was the undefeated mastermind of murder.
Ms. C: So I’ve been doing a scouting report on some superstars since our “disappearance.” Ever hear of “Whitelight?”
Dr. A: Ughh. I think Pestilence was talking to me about him one day. You know how he just hung out in our room sometimes.
Ms. C: I had sex with Pestilence too, remember that?
Dr. A: Yeah, whenever the powers that be needed a good angle they deemed it fit to move you from me. Forget it. This federation is getting me down, I so outclass everyone that I don’t event want to interact with people here.
He places the CRF rewrite title on his shoulder and puts on his shades.
Dr. A: I feel like some chicken.
Ms. C: I’d rather you take me to some fancy place for dinner.
Dr. A: But I want so- err… yes dear.
Dr. A and Ms. C head off, as this fed goes to commercial. A fed like this probably only has local furniture salesmen as its advertisers though.
Legends… from Mighty Whitey
(continued from a non-archived Whitey post. Sorry Whitey, I should have saved it)
Dr. A: Geez… I can’t believe this. I’ve only known you for like 2 minutes and your already trying to bang my girlfriend. You sure are a jerk.
Whitey: You’re right.
Dr. A: Excellent. You’re my kind of man then. Just lay off of Ms. Contraceptive.
Whitey: ‘kay, I’ll try to lay to the side of her.
She blushes.
Dr. Abortion, knowing everything in these stupid feds are recorded for TV, grabs the cameraman, brings him forward and takes out a microphone.
Dr. A: Hey, You. Yeah, you – whatever fed this is.
Legend. That word has been used a lot. Legend. What does that mean? Legend.
A legend is a man who has risen above his actual greatness, and assumed an almost mythical, immortal identity. He is respected, feared… he is loved and sometimes hated in his legendary status.
When did I say I was a legend? When did Dr. Abortion step up and say the word “legend” to identify himself? He didn’t.
Dr. Abortion is no legend. Legends have legendary status – I am not legendary, I am not mythical. I am real.
I am no legend – I am simply the greatest human being who has ever played this game in the history of time. Others are respected more than me. Others are feared more than me. Others are praised more than me. Let them have that praise. Dr. Abortion never came into this game to be a legend. Dr. Abortion never wanted respect. Dr. Abortion never wanted you to like him. But Dr. Abortion did want to be the best. And I am the goddamn best.
None of you puny, worthless wastes have what it takes to stand on my level. I will always be better than you. If I am a mere mortal man, then in my greatness I make you look like subhumans. I am the Doc from DC, I am the Practical Practitioner, and I am the Physician on a Mission.
The True Champ has spoke, G’day mates.
Whitey: Quite a soliloquy there, Doc.
Ms. C: I liked the homage to Vicegrip.
Dr. A: Yeah. Even Vicegrip is superior to these people. Its so sad for a legend like me to be here.
Whitey: Wait… I thought the whole rant of yours was about you not claiming to be a legend – but you just said you were-
Dr. A: Shut up.
MacArthur faded away… I’m just leavin’
Last post in NHE
The Doc from DC and Ms. Contraceptive are standing outside the arena of whatever fed this is.
Ms. C: Its cold outside, when is the bus coming?
Dr. A: I can tell its cold.
She looks at him staring at her chest.
Ms. C: Yeah, look at my breasts. Like you can do anything about it though? You haven’t been able to do anything for me since Carnage stabbed you in the groin with that screwdriver.
Dr. A: Please don’t talk about that.
A Bus pulls up.
Ms. C: Its about time.
Dr. A: I kill babies.
Ms. C: I know, snookums. I know.
Didn’t expect to see me, did’ja?
First post in SHOW
While Whitelight makes an impressive debut in Storm’s locker room, “Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi kicks on the arena PA system… following by the images of spinning syringes.
Tony: Well fans, we’ve got a- what the?!
Harry: I know that music! I know that music! Its going to be Shannon Elisabeth – just like in that Kevin Smith movie!
Mild disappointment follows as a man comes strolling out the ramp. He wears a blue jacket, and has a stethoscope around his neck. Some disappointment is made up for when an attractive woman in a too-tight Nurse’s uniform follows him out. Oh yeah – did I mention he has a mic?
Dr. Abortion: Yes. Yes. Please… please… a couple cheers… a couple boos. Now audience. SHUT UP… now. *ahem*. A few of you may remember me. Why it was 15 months ago in a little federation called the “CRF”, which by the way has never had a good commish, in which I was last seen.
Ms. C snatches the mic away without asking.
Ms. C: -You see… One by one, the Doc here and his associated disappeared. Including myself. It then “appeared” as if the Doc had died of what we in the medical community like to call a “smack overdose.” Oh… but that was just not so. You see its been my plan all along to-
Dr. A: Hey, stop that. Its supposed to be my plan.
Ms. C: But its my plan.
Dr. A: But you’re supposed to pretend its my plan so that I look evil and stuff, and am not just your puppet.
Ms. C: *Pffft*… that may have worked in 1999. Just tell them that you kill babies.
Dr. A: Oh yeah. I kill babies!
The Audience boos.
Dr. A: Yeah. And I have a stirring demonstration to show you all. Now look at the big screen. Here’s a scene from my debut in 1999, when in the iUIWA I wheeled out a pregnant woman, ripped the fetus from her belly and proved myself to be the most evil man in the history of this industry.
The audience watches some grainy footage from an indy fed of a guy tossing around a cabbage-patch kid with ketchup on it while a female mannequin lay on a stretcher.
Dr. A: Good times. Good times. Oh… and for those of you who do not know me… well… I am the Doc from DC… I am the Practical Practitioner… I am the Maniacal Medic… and I am the Physician on a Mission! Hit that damn music!
He raises his hands in the air as his Bon Jovi music plays. Someone in the audience could have swore that Al Bradd had just debuted with all the Bon Jovi.
The Doc and Ms. C head back up the ramp. What are they’re plans? You’ll see.
The Doc from DC goes backstage
Dr. A and Ms. C roam around the back.
Dr. Abortion: I have got to find a friggin locker room.
Ms. Contraceptive: You should go ask the commish where yours is.
Dr. A: Bah! I liked my one that was next to the huge Battery Barn locker. Sure it was small and Vader was noisy. But it grew on me. You know. Unplug.
Ms. C: Hey! Look at this locker room here! It says “Prototype.”
Dr. A: Holy hell?! Someone I know? Wasn’t that the guy who’s match I interfered in during Bar Room Brawl 12?
Ms. C: Yep. Remember he said we was the “most evil man in CSlam.”
Dr. A: GRR!! I kill babies! I am more evil!
Ms. C: He said he did it too, for fun.
Dr. A: He’s a liar. God, things could only get worse if Evolver shows up.
Ms. C: Heh. Lets find you a locker room.
They see another locker room. It says “Holyevil.”
Dr. A: That’s the guy I jumped in BRB 12! Damnit. I swear… if Kronus shows up here I am screwed!
Ms. C: Calm down, honey. At least you know you won’t run into any knights you know.
Dr. A: Yeah, that’s because I never knew any knights. I think I saw Dr. Greenthumb in the arena once in 6 months. And you can fill in your various jokes about other knights right here.
Ms. C: Oo… this room here looks empty. It has cobwebs on the door though. Says “Toaster.”
Dr. A: Well take that sign off. Its my room now. Go make yourself pretty. I’ve got to meet someone.
Ms. C: What? Whitelight! Oh… I’m… heh… supposed to meet him to now that you mention it.
The doc grits his teeth.