The Wrassle Logo comes on the screen and then fades to a scene of Icehawg and Burnt, sitting at a table that is next to a special booth set up by temporarily-acting Event Coordinator, Davros, who is handling the first round until Dr. Kiebler is ready to assume his new position.
...(missionary)
Burnt: Hey there Wrassle fans! It’s time for yet another Round 1 Stable Wars match up. Those other matches between the Brothers of Chaos and Network, and Genocidal Dreams and SAVF were good… but this time two stables are going to have unhappy reps walking home, since this is going to be a three-stable battle between the AoD, Mental Military and Blood Brothers.
Icehawg: Yep, it’s Dr. Abortion versus Sam Elliot versus Diggzy Brown. And while two of those names are long-time vets that you might recognize, you can’t underestimate the newer star in the mix. Sam Elliot is no spring chicken himself with runs in HCW, NGPW, CWA and the UWF. And as I recall, Dr. Abortion once underestimated a young opponent he had named “The Disciple” and got quickly eliminated from a Bar Room Brawl. It just goes to show that any man can win here today!
Burnt: And all three men are in a race to capture five deadly animals and bring them right here to Davros’s booth right next to us. A deadly Australian snake called the Taipan… a leopard… a rhino… a croc… and the not-previously, but now definitely, feared-- stingray!
Icehawg: Right, with the latter animal being the cause for this whole memorial tournament. We had all three of our competitors sit down to give a few words about what Steve Irwin meant to them, in honor of the Memorial Deadly Animal Hunt. Let’s cut to the packaged material!
Cut to black and white footage. The black and white makes it classy and deep and stuff.
Sam Elliot: Hey there, this is The Sheriff. I don’t know much about Steve Irwin and I can’t say I ever met the man. But I know he stood for some good things like conservation, so I’d just like to give my best regards to his family from THE Face of the UWF.Icehawg: Wow, truly touching. This next one promises to not be so much so.
Dr. Abortion: AGHHHH! ****ING AUSTRALIANS! You know when I begun my career in the iUIWA what I had to put up with? Vicegrip and Bunyip. Two Australian asshats, one of whom immediately stole my female valet. GRAH! Dirty, dingo-loving, boomerang-throwing, koala-humping, Fosters-drinking, eucalyptus-munching, Croc-Hunting, Aborigine douchebags! NOW SOMEBODY GET THESE BEES OFF ME!!!Icehawg: Well, an interesting delve into his psyche there. Lastly, here’s what Diggzy had to say.He begins slapping himself to clear them off. There are, of course, no actual bees.
Diggzy Brown: Vigilante… he was always such a… petty competitor. Not even worthy of SUPERSTAR Diggzy Brown’s time. Quite frankly, spending time running a Labor Day weekend cookout was more important that facing his drunk ass. Which is why it’s not really sad that he died… of sucking disease… which caused him to suck. Hard.Burnt: Whoa! What’s up with that? Aren’t Vigilante and Diggzy Brown Blood Brothers stablemates?Interviewer: Uhm… excuse me, Mr. Brown. We’re supposed to be Eulogizing Mr. Steve Irwin here.
Diggzy Brown: Oh are we? Sorry, I didn’t realize that.
He punches the Interviewer in the face, knocking him out.
Diggzy Brown: NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT?!
Icehawg: It’s a complicated story there in the CWA, with Diggzy and his partner Acid Ed being legally bound to the Blood Brothers for the month, despite a huge amount of animosity. I wouldn’t be surprised if Diggzy is secretly looking to sabotage the Blood Brothers’ chances here today.
Burnt: Interesting, I hear it’s a similar situation with Dr. Abortion. Last month he swerved the AoD, but has since rejoined them claiming a leadership role over the stable, with a stated desire to destroy it once and for all.
Icehawg: Yeah, Sam Elliot may be the only one here who wants his stable to win.
Burnt: Or… alternatively… both the AoD and Blood Brothers recruited extra people into their stables in order to qualify for Stable Wars and get an advantage, but in kayfabe are pretending to feud with each other and act like it isn’t all just a big phony work.
Icehawg: …
Burnt: …
Pregnant Pause.
Icehawg: *rubbing back of neck*… uhm… yeah. Well, I’d hate to bore these fans to death with too much build up. I say we start this thing up!
Yes, let’s start it up indeed, Mr. Icehawg, or should I say… “Snugglebutton.”