Davros: Okay guys… one last time with the rules. You have to bring all five animals back to me. Fortunately, the San Diego zoo has a large population of animals and there are at least three or more of each of the animals you have to capture… which means that if your opponents get to the animal first and bring it back to me, you still have a chance if you work faster with the next animals. Now… are there any questions?
Sam Elliot: Yeah Dav. Just one little one… HOW THE HECK DO YOU EXPECT US TO BRING A RHINO HERE, JACKWAD?!
Davros: Look, it’s not my job to baby you guys through every step. Somehow the zoo keepers got the Rhinos to San Diego in the first place, so I’m sure you can find a way to move them a couple thousand feet to this booth.
Dr. A: I’m certain it’s similar to dating a fat lady and getting her to move. Right Diggzy?
Diggzy Brown: What are you trying to say, Doc?
Dr. A: I think I’m saying that you date fat fatties who love pie, you fattie lover. Go make out with Jeff Hardy in a wig.
Diggzy Brown: Yeah… real funny Doc. SoooOoo funny. If you were worth my time I’d punch you. Luckily for you, you’re not.
Davros: Are you ready? Okay then. On your mark. …Get Set. …GO!
*BANG*
Davros holds his arm up and fires a shot. Diggzy Brown and Sam Elliot run off into the zoo. Dr. Abortion sits on the ground, Indian-style, reading a Highlights Magazine.
Dr. A: I don’t get it. Everyone is telling me there is something wrong with the back cover, but it all looks completely normal to me. I mean why WOULDN’T that fish be riding a tricycle? If I were a fish, I’d want a tricycle.
Davros: Psst… Dr. Abortion, go!
Dr. A jumps up and grabs Davros’s gun.
Dr. A: HAHA, I lured you into a false sense of security by making you think I’m just sitting here being crazy! But now I just snatched this gun from you, which will give me one hell of an advantage catching these animals! So who’s the crazy one now? Certainly not me, with my totally real girlfriend, Naked Amanda Bynes, standing by my side and totally really existing for real.
Davros: You have to bring the animals back alive, Dr. Abortion.
Dr. A: ARGH! CRAP! You know what?! Screw you! ABORTOCUTTER!
The Doc from DC tries to go for his patented “Abortocutter” on Davros, but some sort of sophisticated alien force-field technology deflects him. The Doc, knowing that the gun is now useless, gives it to a young boy and wanders off mumbling under his breath.
Burnt: All three men have left the area of Davros’s booth now. However, we’ll be able to keep track of them with the global positioning system devices we’ve put on them. Each competitor is wearing an armband that we’re using to track them with, just to make sure nothing shady is going on.
Icehawg: Yeah, these trackers are guaranteed to work. There is no way that they can be tampered with or- OH HELL! Dr. Abortion’s just went out! What the heck is going on?
He bashes his fist against the GPS map they have on their desk, which no longer puts up a signal for the doc.
About 200 feet away…
*STOMP*STOMP*
Dr. A: THE WEATHER! The Executive Committee is trying to control the world’s weather. They’re using the power that I, Sam and Diggzy are generating by running around and siphoning it in these machines, and sending it to a satellite in the sky that controls the rains of the heavens! I MUST STOP THIS!
Ghost of Steve Irwin: Crikey, ya gotta stop this, mate.
Dr. A: Stan Daniels?
Steve Irwin: Yeah, reeeeeaaaal original, mate. I’ve only heard that joke like 20 from Wrassle people since I’ve been dead.
Dr. A: Meh, it was worth a shot.
Steve Irwin: Look here, doc. I’m here to guide you and help you along the way. My spirit is telling me to come back and help you win this event in my name.
Dr. A: You’re right. It’s a logical alliance. After all, both of us are famous for dangling babies in front of crocodiles. Alas, only one of us had a set of balls big enough to follow through with our hilarious antics.
Steve Irwin: But beware, ahead of you lies Danger! Danger! Danger! I’ll guide you with advice whenever you come upon one of the animals ya have to grab. I suggest you head to the reptile house first and go after that deadly Inland Taipan they have there. Getting that sucker out of the way will be a good first step.
Dr. A: Excellent! TO THE REPTILE HOUSE!
He immediately heads off towards the exact opposite direction that the Reptile House is at. Yeah, he’s kind of dumb.
MEANWHILE…
*RRRRRRRR*
The sound of a box truck pulling up can be heard. It’s happening at the back of the zoo, in a service area that only employees are allowed to use.
A driver dressed up like a zoo employee pops out and waits inconspicuously by the back of the truck. Of course, it’s not really a zoo employee – or else I would have simply called him a "zoo employee" instead of “a driver dressed up like a zoo employee.” Geez, duh. Use your fricking head.
Driver: Ugh… where is he?
He impatiently checks his watch. But whoever he’s looking for isn’t here.
Yet.
Moving on…
Sam Elliot: Excuse me, sir. Could you tell me where what direction the large cats are at?
Zoologist: Well, depends what you’re looking for. Tiger River is going to be on the far south side of the park. Lions are going to be East. Which large cats were you thinking about?
Sam Elliot: The Leopards.
Zoologist: Ah then, you’re looking for Cat Canyon. Just follow the trail up this way. You’ll see bus stop 5, head past that and you’ll be right there.
Sam Elliot: Ah, thanks a lot for your help.
Zoologist: No problem, enjoy your day at the zoo!
Sam heads along and gets to the Leopard exhibit. Little does he know that this is the last friendly encounter he will have with a zoo employee based on the pending story arc I am giving him. Anywhoo... there they are, leopards in their natural habitat. Sorta natural, I mean. With open cans of National Bohemian Beer and the torn remains of shredded vampire clothing. Because that’s what Leopards eat. VAMPIRES.
Sam Elliot: Guess I better head in. I mean it’s not like this thing is going to catch itself for me.
Sam leans over the railing and jumps down. The pack animals look over curiously. Not ones to immediately attack, they stand up and begin inspecting first. After all, these are zoo animals, and they associate humans in their exhibit with being given a free meal… instead of associating humans with BEING a free meal.
Female Zookeeper: HEY! HEY YOU! What are you doing down there? GET OUT! That’s dangerous!
Sam Elliot: It’s okay m’am. I’m here for the Wrassle event. You know, right? I’m the Face of the UWF… Sam Elliot. Maybe you recognize me from TV?
Female Zookeeper: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
Sam Elliot: No seriously, it’s just part of the Steve Irwin Memorial Hunt. You know, with Davros.
Female Zookeeper: What on earth are you talking about?!
Sam Elliot: WHAT?! You mean Davros DIDN’T clear this with the Zoo first?
Ho ho! The answer is no. No he didn’t.
Leopard: *growl*
Sam Elliot: Uh-oh, this doesn’t look good.