Driver: DIGGZY!
Diggzy Brown: SHHHHH!!!
Driver: No reason to be quiet. Nothing is going on here. Nobody is around at all! This is going to work even better than I thought.
He takes off his brown cap and dark glasses to reveal… DUN DUNNN DUNN… Diggzy Brown’s long-time partner and associate, Acid Ed!
Acid Ed: What the hell took you so long to get here?
Diggzy Brown: Oh man, they had this stupid armband tracker thing. I had to ditch it so they couldn’t track me here. I hid it in the bathroom at the aquarium building. That means we should start off with the Stingray, so they think I got the animal from there.
Acid Ed: One Stingray, coming right up.
Ed slides up the heavy back door to the box truck. Inside the five animals of this event appear… a caged leopard, a tied up croc, a stingray in a small aquarium, a snake in yet another aquarium (this one without water), and one very tranquilized rhino.
Acid Ed: This is going to be like stealing candy from a baby. While those other two are fighting off those regular wild zoo animals… you’ve got a de-barbed stingray, a croc that can’t bite, a taipan with its venom removed, a trained leopard, and a big’ol’ sleeping rhinoceros.
Diggzy Brown: Yeah, they’re following us with those GPS trackers, but NOT with cameras. They'll never figure it out!
Acid Ed: Right, what those other two guys don't realise is that this isn't a Barroom Brawl - it's STABLE WARS! They're out trying to win this thing by themselves, when really they should be winning with the help of their stable! Damned if it's in the rules or not - we're working together as a stable!
Diggzy Brown: Well, as a team at least. I mean… we’re the only two in the Blood Brothers who actually matter!
Diggzy gently pulls the stingray out of the water and into his hands. He heads back towards the aquarium to pick up his armband and make it look like he got the animal from there. Oh, you sneaky dog you! Can a ray survive out of the water for this long? The hell if I know. Do I look like some sort of ichthyologist? Is that was Dr. Abortion’s doctorate is in? No. No it’s not. His doctorate is actually in disco dancing.
Speak of the Devil! Dr. Abortion is in the Reptile House, checking out the snake section.
Dr. A: I have several excellent Snakes on a Plane jokes to say now!
Steve Irwin: CRIKEY! Save em! You’re going to need all your strength to deal with the inland taipan… the DEADLIEST SNAKE IN THE WORLD!
Dr. A: Whaaaaaa? Say what now, dead man?
Steve Irwin: Also known as the Fierce Snake, the inland taipan has the most potent venom of any land snake. A single bite from this baby and… WHOOOOOOO!
Dr. A: WHOOOOOO? What the heck is that supposed to mean? What is that Australian for? Are you just really Ric Flair pulling some trick on me?
Steve Irwin: No, mate. One bite of this can kill 100 adult humans or a quarter of a million mice!
Dr. A: I’m sure that’s quite handy for when it needs to eat a quarter of a million mice at one time.
Steve Irwin: Now, the proper way to handle this is to-
Dr. A: *ABORTOCUTTER!*
Taipan: *BITE*
Dr. A: AGH! AGH! Immortal Lobster Jesus, save me!
Steve Irwin: CRIKEY! Ya can’t do a three-quarter facelock bulldog on a taipan, Dr. Abortion. They HATE that. You’re going to have to find some antivenom, quick!
Dr. A: What? Like this?
He holds up a syringe.
Steve Irwin: WHOA mate! Good planning!
Dr. A: I’m a doctor. Of course I brought taipan antivenom with me when I heard I'd have to handle a taipan. Now I’ll just inject it up my ass and… Ahhh… much better. I can feel that metal taste in my mouth going away and my liquefied organs returning to normal. After all, I have a high tolerance to snake bites after that time I tried to kill the commissioner of NGPW with Cobras and then lived with them. But let’s never discuss that angle again, nor speak to anyone from NGPW who may remember it. *shifty eyes*
Steve Irwin: Right-O!
Barry Bonds: Hi there, I’m MLB star Barry Bonds. I just saw you stick that syringe up in your ass. Which makes me wonder if that substance in the syringe is what I think it is… and can I have some?
Dr. A: Go to hell.
Taipan: *bites Barry Bond’s neck*
Barry Bonds: AGHHHHH!!!
Dr. A: Snakey, I have the feeling that this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Taipan: *sticks tongue out and licks Dr. Abortion’s hand*
Dr. A: Hehehe… so cute and… AGHH! OH GOD! LOOK AT IT’S STOMACH! I THINK THIS IS A FEMALE SNAKE… AND IT’S GRAVID!
He snaps the snakes’ neck. I think this terminates their beautiful friendship.
Steve Irwin: CRIKEY! What did you do that for?
Dr. A: Go to hell dead boy. I don't need your criticism. I’m pretty sure I’m just imagining you anyway because I’m completely psychotic.
Naked Amanda Bynes: That's nonsense, you never imagine people.
Back at the commentator desk/Davros booth area...
Burnt: Well, looking at our GPS, it seems that Diggzy Brown is making his arrival back here after stopping by the aquarium, where he suspiciously stood still for quite some time.
Icehawg: Yeah, but look at this signal here, coming in at a rapid pace. It’s Sam Elliot and he’s running back. He must be excited about this match and trying to do it as quickly as possible in hopes of beating his opponents.
Just as the GPS indicated, Diggzy arrives on the scene first and drops the Stingray off at Davros’s booth.
Diggzy Brown: *yawn*… You’re telling me that Australian pansy couldn’t beat one of those things? Please, that was easier than a drunk freshman girl on a Saturday night.
Davros: Hrm… one point to Diggzy. Good work. You’ve got four animals to go.
Diggzy Brown: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. When you’re as damn good as I am, you don’t really have to worry about things. Guess I’m headed off to grab a snake next.
As he says that, Sam comes running onto the scene.
Sam Elliot: AGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Followed closely behind by a Leopard, chasing him.
Without even noticing it, he passes by the starting line by the booth that they originally ran from.
Icehawg: What was that blur?
Burnt: It was Sam… and a Leopard!
Davros: Well, he did cross. That’s one point for Sam!
Next trotting in (a minute or two later) is Dr. Abortion, holding a snake.
Dr. A: Ho ho! Check out this totally alive snake here! Very much alive. Completely alive snake. I have never seen a more alive snake in my life than this very much alive snake.
Taipan: Oh yeah, I’m alive all right. And you know what I think? I think Dr. Abortion is a sex machine and the ladies can’t get enough of him.
Davros: You know doc, moving the snakes mouth open and closed and talking in a high-pitched voice is not going to convince me that that snake is alive.
Just then, the snake wriggles.
Dr. A: AGH! HOLY CRAP! It’s alive!!! Uhm… ermm… I mean… I knew that. Yessss. I did. *shifty eyes*
Davros: Yep, that little thing is alive, it seems. Looks like it has a broken neck though. I’m just going to go ahead and say that we’re going to put a cast on it and it will get better. That should avoid any concerns about the animal cruelty clause in Wrassle policies.
Dr. A: As a qualified doctor, I agree with your assessment. This snake will make a full recovery, and go on to live a happy snake life. It’s little snake children will not, however. As I fashioned a paper clip into a tiny little cute mini coat hanger and went to work on this thing.
Davros: Okay, head on out. Everyone has one animal captured, and four to go.
Dr. A turns to walk away, but then is stopped.
Davros: -NO, WAIT! I almost forgot. Put on this new GPS tracking device. I swear the the government is NOT using it to control the weather.
Dr. A: Okay… I’ll trust you. THIS TIME.
Steve Irwin: Good work, Dr. A. I think you should next face the biggest challenge… the Rhinoceros! Once you take care of that, the last three animals should be easy by comparison.
Dr. A: Good thinking, Steve!
Davros: Steve? Who are you talking to?
Dr. A: Your mother.
Wow! Isn’t the excitement just killing you? Now let’s see what ol Diggzy is up to again!
