Dr. Abortion’s Kidnapper Revealed!
July 28/29, 2006

Dr. Abortion has been missing for several days now. In fact, let’s just go ahead and call it two weeks. Because that’s pretty much what it was. Honest.

MIT Nerd: Hey, do you remember when Dr. Abortion got kidnapped in the middle of that match he was fighting in?

Some Other Guy, Perhaps Named Steve: YEAH! I totally do. He was teamed up with Hooligan against the team of S.U.C.K and then – *poof* - he was totally kidnapped!

MIT Nerd: Yeah. I wonder where he could be!

Meanwhile, in Singapore…

Dr. A: *mmmph*

Kidnapper: Mwahahahaha!

Tied to a chair and gagged, Dr. Abortion struggles to free himself. Eventually, he spits the cloth gag from his mouth. Yeah, it was just cloth, not one of those creepy ass Pulp Fiction gags or anything.

Dr. A: YOU MONSTER! How dare you kidnap the great Dr. Abortion… the undefeated Dedication Champion… the Doc from DC… the Physician on a Mission… the Prime Minister of Canada… the Emperor of Japan… Chief Agent of Section 31 in the United Federation of Plants… The 2004 South Kansas Blackberry Pie Cook-Off Champion!

Kidnapper: No you aren’t, you’re a hack… a nobody… an IMBECILE!

Dr. A: LIES! All lies! I am popular and beloved and followed around my neekid ladied everywhere I go, who demand rough sex.

Kidnapper: HA! You’d like to think that because you’re insane.

Dr. A: Why does everyone keep saying that I’m insane? I’m not. Sure I permantly live in a mental state in which thought and perception are severely impaired, am continually paranoid and display disorganized thinking in which one idea or though is not connected to the next… but that doesn’t mean that I’m not feeding birds with delicious ice cream made from pomegranates grown on the side of a hill which was once owned by a John Holmes blow up doll which was strapped with explosives during the Gunpowder plot in order to blow up Parlaiment. HA! AND YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS GUY FAWKES, YOU STUPID BITCH! Speaking of which… did you see that movie V for Vendetta? Oh man would I bend Natalie Portman forward over a chair and give her an hour or two of harsh, brutal pounding. Oh wait, I already have. Because I am a total chick magnet.

Kidnapper: STOP IT! Dr. Abortion is not a goofy, insane idiot who talks about random nonsense! Dr. Abortion is a sadistic, but quite sane, heel… who uses cheap heat to get over.

Dr. A: No, that doesn’t sound like me.

Kidnapper: You’re right it doesn’t sound like you. Which is why YOU’RE NOT DR. ABORTION!

Dr. A: *gasp*… How dare you imply such a thing!

Kidnapper: Oh, I will imply it. Because I know it to be true!

Dr. A: Blaspheme! By the way. I pronounced that as “blas-feeme” instead of “blas-fuh-me.” It sounds cooler that way.

Kidnapper: I will now let you go. You may return to your stupid UCE, but know that I know the truth… and I will return to expose you soon!

Dr. A: Wait… you kidnapped me, put me in a plane, flew me to some unknown destination around the world, and held me captive for two weeks… just to tell me you knew some secret that isn’t even true because I am really Dr. Abortion… and then say you’re letting me go? I mean… couldn’t you have just done the thing over the phone? And why did you keep me tied up for two weeks anyway if all you were going to do was tell me something and set me free? It sounds like you’re the insane one.

Kidnapper: Shut up! And get out!

The kidnapper grabs onto the chair that Dr. A is still tied to and drags it over to a window and throws Dr. Abortion out. Fortunately, I’m not a very creative writer and I’ll resort to the cliché of there being a pool outside the window, where Dr. A lands safely.

Dr. A: AGH! Son OF A BITCH! That hurt like the dickens! I fell into a pool TABLE… not a pool of water!

Ah, that would explain why the billiard balls went flying everywhere. My bad.

Person by Poolside: My God… you just got shoved out of that window and survived! It’s a miracle!

Dr. A: If I were critically wounded I would have just no sold it anyway. Tell me stranger, where am I?

Person: Singapore!

Dr. A: HOLY CRAP! I’m half-way across the world! I better get back home!

Person: Well, not before indulging in illicit sexual intercourse with Southeast Asian girls.

Dr. A: Well duh. That goes without saying. It’s implied by mere fact of being in Singapore.

Person: Here is the phonebook. Open it up to the Escort Service or Massage Parlor sections. It doesn’t matter which one. We all know what they’re really advertisements for anyway.

And so Dr. A does that. But he doesn’t pay for it, because the woman totally falls in love with him, as all women do. Dr. A whispers sweet things in her ears to get the good stuff, but then punches her in the face when he’s done and runs out. He then returns 13 minutes later and punches her in the stomach, because that’s the type of thing he usually does instead and he had just momentarily forgotten about it. He then goes back to his cab, goes to the Raffles Hotel, orders a Singapore Sling, drinks it, sneaks out without paying, is confronted by police who arrest him and sentence him to be caned. Dr. Abortion delivers Diamond Cutters to them all and cleverly escapes, hijacking an airplane and flying back to the United States… or at least attempting to because he just stole a regional jet which didn’t have enough fuel. Needless to say, Dr. A ends up back in New York… in most part due to being an excellent swimmer.

Okay, so I thought I had saved at least one post with what happened next after this, but I apparently didn’t. So I’ll fill in what happened. We had the BMF, and Dr. A’s kidnapper showed up once again at the end, declaring that his identity was none other than – DR. ABORTION! Confused yet? Good. According to this “Dr. A,” he was the original that had been around from 1999-2002, when he was shot in NGPW after losing the Evil v. Evil match. He vowed to dedicate August to prove that he was Dr. A, and an epic battle began.

Soon, Roe and Wade showed up (not dead, despite previous claims), to ally with the Christian Cage-looking Dr. A (who was referred to as Dr. A 1) against Scott Steiner-looking Dr. A (Dr. A 2). Dr. A 1 swerved the AoD and teamed up with Juan Shan to cause massive havoc, wherin Dr. A 2 (who was sort of still allied with the AoD) was tied up in Dr. A 1’s evil base of operations, the Boiler Room! But Dr. A 2 escaped. This story picks up there, and heads into the PPV match that will reveal all.

Oh, and also, I stupidly forgot to save the post titles for several of these, so I’ll just think of something generic for them.

Post
By: Dr. Abortion

Juan Shan is, like, somewhere else… and Dr. A 1 is alone in the boiler room.

Dr. A 1: GRAH! Look at these stupid chains all broken. How the heck did Dr. Abortion 2 ever break loose?

Roe: Well, Doc. I think it’s because Painmaker just came back from inactivity, instead of reading back to see that Dr. A 2 was chained up in the boiler room, he just had him show up somewhere.

Dr. A 1: Hrm. Well, I guess I would have had to have set him free anyway so he could go out to the match and I could humiliate him when I prove to the world that he’s not Dr. Abortion!

Wade: That’s right boss. Now let’s head out and prove to prove it to everyone!

Dr. A 1: Indeed. Let’s roll.

They all head out. And just as they leave, a head creaks out from a corner.

Dr. A 2: God I hate those idiots. And why the hell are Roe and Wade allying with that stupid Christian Cage looking poser who doesn’t even look or act like me? Bah! Anyway… now to look around for some clue. Some final proof to reveal to the world the true identity of this faker. Hrm… now let’s see!

He starts rummaging around in all the garbage. Dr. A 1 essentially just lives in garbage. Because that’s what cool people do. As a matter of fact, he may even be hoping that Juan Shan loses his match so that they can win that awesome garbage lot behind the arena. That will be so over.

Dr. A 2: Hrm… what’s this. AH-HA! His wallet! Let’s see now…

He looks through and pulls out the photo ID.

Dr. A 2: Ha! There! His name isn’t James Babicila! That proves he’s not Dr. A!

Yes, the ID does not say James Babicila. Instead it says “Ms. Fuzzy” and has a picture of a cat.

Dr. A 2: Hrm… but on the other hand, this ID probably just proves his insane and not that he’s not me. I mean how the hell would he even use this ID?!

Post
By: Killall

I've more or less completely lost track of what was happening... I could go backwards on the flashboard and check it out... but I prefer to trust my crystal-clear, non drug-inhibited memory to just wing it... plus using the same character for like 8 years basically means I can figure out the usual pattern... Killall, Ricky Bailey, Juan Shan's asian whore of a sister (half sister technically... same uhhhhh chinese mother), and her associate who also happens to be an asian prostitute are roaming the hallways of Steeplechase Arena...


Killall:Ah yes... I finally have a loyal army of chinese prostitutes to do my bidding... the dream has finally come true...


Ricky:Plus you're the Universal Carnage Champion...


Killall:So...


Ricky:Well that's the pinnacle of the business... you know... the thing every competitor hopes to obtain... all that blood you spilled...*Giggle*... all the sweat from the hard workouts....*Chuckle*... all those long nights of planning...*Snicker*... they were all


Killall:*Stares indignantly at Ricky*


Ricky:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... yeah I'm just messing with ya... congratulations on your loyal army of two asian prostitutes...


Killall:Yes... I will surely now get the respect I deserve...*Adjusts UC Title*


Whore 1:Hey mista... when we gettin' paid...


Killall:You'll get paid when you've done the damn job... now don't make me go upside your head lady...*Raises hand*


Juan Shan's Whore of a Sister:Yes... we rove him rong time...


Killall:Damn right you will... you're going to wear him down... make him physically incapable of ever messing with me again....


As they continue walking... a MIT Nerd suddenly passes by and hands Ricky a slip of paper...


Ricky:Uhhhh Killall...


Killall:Ugh... what Ricky...


Ricky:Apparently the two Dr. Abortions are having a debate to settle who the real Dr. Abortion is...


Killall:I see... and while I'm sure that will make for some captivating television... I have to go see that Battlestone finally becomes a man... not that I actually am going to see it... for that would be creepy... though I should probably have someone tape it so we could further ruin his reputation by posting it on the internet...


Ricky:Well here's the thing...


Killall:What's that Ricky... you just happen to be into that sorta thing and would love to tape it... well there... it's settled... way to be a team player Ricky...


Ricky:I'm not taping a Battlestone sex tape... ugh...*Shudder*... the very though is...*Gag*


Killall:You're so selfish Ricky...


Ricky:Screw you... I'm not doing it... and you have to moderate the debate between the Dr. Abortions...


Killall:What?! Moderate a what now... I don't even know what you're talking about... are you high Ricky?


Ricky:No...


Killall:Oh... am I?


Ricky:How should I know... oh wait... yes... yes you are...


Killall:Very well... then let the moderation begin... shortly after I drop of these prostitutes that is...


Ricky:But you have to get out there now...


Killall:Ugh... damn me and this accursed popularity and success... why can't I just be some schmuck who is never bothered...


Ricky:I'm not even going to dignify that statement with a response...


Killall:You know what... fine... whatever... I'll help decide which Dr. Abortion is the real one by doing stuff and junk...


Asian Whore:What about us...


Killall:You're going to have to wait like... I dunno... some period of time... who knows really...


Juan Shan's Whore of a Sister:We wirr require payment...


Killall:If you want to get paid you'll hand around here and turn some tricks whore... look at all these MIT Nerds... you think they could get a woman to touch them... HA!... the very idea is laughable... this place is a damn goldmine... not get to work...


Asian Whore:But


Killall:DON'T MAKE ME GO UPSIDE YOUR HEAD!


The two prostitutes shrug and begin applying their craft... meanwhile Killall and Ricky head towards the ring...


Killall;For christsakes... I swear Battlestone is just destined to not get laid... it's like frickin' impossible...


Ricky:Well... you know a certain somebody was held in isolation for the last six months...


Killall:Who... BabbyBubba?


Ricky:No me... you know... I wouldn't mind a little... you know where I'm going with this...


Killall:Obviously I don't...


Ricky stops and scans the area making sure no one is within distance to hear...


Ricky:*Whisperingly*Sex...


Killall:What's that...


Ricky once again looks around...


Ricky:You know... sex...


Killall:Come again...


Ricky:SEX!


Ricky immediately covers his mouth as his face turns a bright red...


Killall:Oh... sex... you want a little action... eh Ricky...*Nudges with elbow*


Ricky:Well I certainly wouldn't mind


Killall:Too bad...


Finally they reach the entrance ramp... I will not call it the gorilla position... I have no idea where that came from... and for all I know it's complete bull****... anyways "Clam Like a Bomb" by Rage Against the Machine blasts throughout the arena and the crowd explodes as Killall makes his entrance...


Solie:Well it seems that Killall has not forgottten about his duties for the night...


Gooch:As if the champ would ever forget anything... ever... not likely...


Solie:I find it odd that he doesn't have to defend his title...


Gooch:Yeah... you would...


Solie:What's that supposed to mean...


Gooch:Why don't you tell me what the statement prior to my statement was supposed to mean first...


Solie:Well... usually the Universal Carnage Chamion defends at the pay per view...


Gooch:Whatever... you've always disliked the champ... you're jealous of his awesomeness...


Solie:That's not true... I am completely unbiased unlike somebody in this announce team who loves the champ above all other


GoochL:Shut up Solie... the champ is about to speak...


Gooch is right... KIllall stands in the middle of the ring with a mic in his hand...


Killall:Alright let's do this thing... the only rules are... there are no rules... it's going to be a hand-to-hand fight to the death... the Dr. Abortion that walks away is hereby declared by me... the champ... to be the real and legit Dr. Abortion... now


An attendant quickly slides into the ring and whispers something to Killall...


Killall:Oh... that's lame... well sorry folks... instead of using my awesome fight to the death idea... apparently this is a debate... and I'm going to ask the two Dr. Abortions questions and stuff that only the real Dr. Abortion would know... I know... I know... it's going to be boring as hell... but whatever... let's just get this over with...


Killall drops the mic and then stands around staring into nothingness...


Solie:Do you even think Killall knows anything about Dr. Abortion that would be relevant to this match...


Gooch:All I know is the champ has been standing there for like 2 minutes already... somebody get the champ a chair for christsakes...

Post
By: Dr. Abortion

Killall is standing impatiently in the ring, waiting for Dr. Abortion 2 to arrive. He wants a chair, because standing is for losers.

Killall: This is dumb. You know who has it sweet? Paralyzed people. Attendant, hit me with the tire iron or something.

Attendant: No!

Killall: Obey my orders!

Attendant: NO! Because even if I do what you say, it won’t work. Because your ideas never work. And you’ll be angry because I hit you with a tire iron, then you’ll chase me around with it. I know exactly where all of this is going. I’ve seen you with Ricky.

But further talk is halted, as Dr. Abortion 2’s music “Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi starts playing. No crappy You Tube videos. Only Dr. A 1 enters to You Tube videos. Because he’s insane.

Solie: And here comes the second doc!

Gooch: Wow… he comes out to the same crappy Bon Jovi music that the original Dr. A used to come out to. I think if he’s able to stand coming out to that over and over me might really HAVE to be the real one.

Dr. A 2 comes charging down from the Gorilla Position.

Professor History strokes his mustache and finishes off a smoke from his pipe.

Professor History: Ah, hello there. And welcome to another edition of Professor History’s school of knowledge. Today’s lesson, “the gorilla position.” This is perhaps one of the most misunderstood terms in wrestling. No, it is not a sexual position. And as a very aggravated Dr. Kiebler has recently reminded everyone, nor is it “Guerilla” position. That latter misconception comes from the fact that many attribute the name to be like a “guerilla” hiding behind the entrance, in a concealed position before entering. In actual fact, the Gorilla Position is named after Gorilla Monsoon, as the backstage staging area nearby the entrance curtain is where he could often be found.

Debate Shmeshmate. Now for some Suplexes.
By: Dr Abortion

Killall stands in the ring, as the UC Champion and Grand Debate Moderator.

Killall: Look what has happened! My wondrous verbal debate! Ruined by fighting!

Attendant: Well, maybe had you have asked questions…

Killall: Still, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Which is why I brought THIS with me…

Killall grabs onto his shirt and tears it off… to reveal underneath…

His bare chest.

Killall: Hrm… I could have sworn I was wearing a referee’s outfit under this. *rubs chin*… well, maybe I didn’t see this coming then.

Dr. Abortion 1 and Dr. Abortion 2 are going at it, with Dr. Abortion 2 having a distinct advantage.

Solie: Doc 2 has Doc 1 hooked up from behind… he takes him down on the map. OH! Longbow backbreaker now…

Dr. A 1: Agh! Quit it, bitch! That hurts.

Dr. A 2: That’s the point.

Dr. A 1: Well it won’t work. I never tap out for submission moves. I’m TOO CRAZY!!!! Woo hooooooo! Now watch me hulk out of this! GGRRRRRR!!!!!

GGRRRRR!!!!!

Doc 1 bites his teeth down and starts shaking. Every muscle is his body is gripping tight. The pressure builds… and builds… and builds and finally Doc 1…

Dr. A 1: *farts*

Dr. A 2: That was you hulking up?

Dr. A 1: What the hell are you talking about? I can’t Hulk up. But I can do this… ROEEEEEE! WADEEE!!!!

The two midgets jump from their positions and slide into the ring. They jump atop Dr. A 2 and break the hold.

Dr. A 2: AGH! You little traitorous jerks! I don’t know why you’be betrayed me and teamed up with that insane poser… but there will be HELL TO PAY!

Dr. A 1: Ah, thank you guys. And don’t listen to him. You’re only remaining loyal and true to the real Doc. And now… ballpunch!

As Doc 2 is angrily focused on the midgets, Doc 1 takes a closed fist to Doc 2’s groinal zone.

Dr. A 2: Iieee… sweet mother!

Solie: AGH! It was painfull just to watch that. Now Doc 1 is propping the other one up on the nearby podium. OHHH! ELEVATED CUTTER!

Killall: Hrm… I’ve noticed how the crazy doc likes to use cutters and stunners all the time… while the other doc is more of the submission specialist type. Perhaps I could ask some questions about this to them to see if it provides any clues.

As Doc 2 lay on the ground, Doc 1 is punching him in the face. Killall walks up.

Killall: Excuse me, but as part of the debate, I’d like to ask you about your moveslist.

Dr. A 1: I got it from Papashangoe. What about it?

Killall: I mean it’s sort of different from the moves Dr. Abortion used to use. And that that other Dr. Abortion uses.

Dr. A 1: Well, you know. Characters evolve. Watching homosexual grappling isn’t that fun. But you know what is fun? Abortocutters. Everything is better with a three-quarter facelock bulldog attached to it.

Killall: I see, and what’s your opinion on the subject, other Dr. A?

Dr. A 2: AGHHH!!!!!! MY BALLS!

He says, as he’s still holding onto his crotch, which now has a distinct blood patch soaking his ring tights around it.

Gooch: HOLY CRAP! Dr. A 2’s crotch is bleeding! You know what that means?! He can’t be Dr. Abortion!

Solie: And why is that!

Gooch: Because he’s not even a man… Dr. Abortion 2 is a WOMAN!!!!

Dunn dunn DUNNNNN!

Dr. A 1: HA! BleedyCrotch McPeriod! Your ruse is over. Now I’ll tear off this fake Dr. A goatee and reveal to the world that you’re really… like… uhm… Jailbait or something.

He pulls on the goatee. But it doesn’t budge. Then he pulls harder, and a few hairs rip out.

Dr. A 2: AGGHHHHHH!!! SONOFA…

Dr. A 1: Man, that’s really glued on there good, huh?

Killall: No, I’m pretty sure he’s just a dude and you punched him so hard in the nuts you opened a wound.

Dr. A 1: Of course I did with this baby! *kisses fist* AGH! Wait! Did I say baby? Oh my god! I have a baby growing off of my arm! I must abort it! AGHH!!!

He jumps up and starts bashing his right hand against one of the podiums, trying to sever it from his body.

Gooch: Damn he’s crazy.

Solie: Yep.

Bloody Crotch Dr. A slowly stands up while Doc 1 is self-mutilating. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hypodermic needle.

Dr. A 2: Oh, you’re gonna die.

He viciously stabs Dr. A 1 in the back and pushes down.

Dr. A 1: AGH! BITCH! I AND LORD XENU WILL DESTROY YOU! The mighty army of cyborg ants will not tolerate this villainous betrayal of the sapphire grapefruit of Troy! The Great Will of the Macrocosm shall reset time and space to transform you into a stick of Old Spice deodorant! And then I shall eat you… like I eat deodorant! Because it’s tasty. Mmm, MUSK! Then I will ride on my flying motorcycle of fire and… uhm… and… uhhm….ermm… uhm… Uhghh…

He starts to get drowsy.

Solie: I think that was one of those famed “Thorazine Injections” by Dr. A! Usually that kind of dosage knocks the opponent right out. But it looks like Dr. A 1 is lasting pretty long with it.

Gooch: Well, if Dr. A is a substance abuser. He’s probably built up a tolerance for it. I mean he’s always carrying those things around in his pockets. So he’s probably poked himself a hundred times accidentally and now his body can take it.

Solie: Hrm… maybe.

Dr. A 2: Damnit, douchebag. You’re supposed to be knocked out.

Dr. A 1: Huh? What? No. I’m just a bit tired. That’s all. Hey man, what’s up with you. Why is your crotch bleeding?

Dr. A 2: BECAUSE YOU ****PUNCHED ME, DOUCHEBAG! And then started rambling on about The Sapphire Grapefruit of Troy and eating deodorant.

Dr. A 1: Odd. That sounds like something a crazy person would do.

Dr. A 2: -BECAUSE YOU’RE ****ING CRAZY!

Dr. A 1: Please sir, no need to shout. We’re gentlemen here and we can discuss our conflict in a proper tone. HEY! Wait… what’s wrong with my wrist here? It has all these strange markings on it like someone was trying to sever it off.

Killall: Man, you sure seem to be acting weird, Dr. A 1. Go do a Abortocutter on him and say something crazy about having sex with imaginary Hollywood girlfriends.

Dr. A 1: No, that would be wrong. I’ve got to face the fact that sometimes I see things that aren’t really there. I’m not even sure why I’m fighting this man.

Dr. A 2: Wait a minute… I see what’s going on here. I use my thorazine injection to knock people out. Because a high dose of it actually puts people right down. But you know what the stuff is actually medically used for?

Killall: I thought I was the one that would be asking the questions.

Dr. A 2: It’s generally prescribed as an ANTIPSYCHOTIC. It acts as a blocking agent on dopamine and serotonin receptors, which have been linked to psychosis.

Dr. A 1: Of course that’s only a theory. Because said linkage is highly debated in the medical community. In fact, several studies have challenged the view that the amount of dopamine blocking caused by such drugs was correlated with any clinical benefit.

Dr. A 2: Your mother.

Dr. A 1: I don’t see how that argument works in your favor.

Dr. A 2: Like this, bitch.

Doc 2 sucker punches Doc 1, hooks him up in a Cobra Clutch, and suplexes his head into the side of the podium.

Post
By: Killall

Dr. Abortion 2 has just cobra-cluth suplexed Dr. Abortion 1 into one of the debate podiums... this is supposed to be an orderly debate yet it has somehow degraded into the lowest form of competition known to civilization... professional wrestling. This will not be tolerated...


Killall:Hey now... knock it off you two... you're making a mockery of these proceedings...


Dr. Abortion 2 runs over to a dazed Dr. Abortion 1 and begins to rain down right hands...


Killall:Hey... cut that out... quit screwing around...


Killall continues to request an end of hostilities... but Dr. Abortion 2 refuses to stop... this of course could all be stopped if KIllall would put some effort into it... but he won't... because he's Killall and not putting effort into stuff is his forte... however he does walk over to Dr. Abortion 2 who is angrily punching Dr. Abortion 2 in the face...


Killall:Hey... as the moderator for this event... as well as being the Universal Carnage Champion... as well as being the UCE Secretary of State... I demand that you cease punching Dr. Abortion 1 in the face... diplomacy must prevail... and I sure is hell am not going to let any wrestling occur under my watch...


Dr. Abortion 2:Did you say something douchebag...


Killall:Why yes... yes I did...


Dr. Abortion 2:Okay... pertaining to what exactly...


Killall:Uhhhhhhhh... I believe it was something about like not punching him and stuff... I could be wrong though... no wait... that was definitely it...


Dr. Abortion 1:I like this mans ideas...*Bleeds*


Dr. Abortion 2:Shut up fake...*Punch*... why would you want me to stop Killall...


Killall:Well you see uhhhhhhhh


Dr. Abortion 2:I mean... this Dr. Abortion did swerve you...


Killall:Yeah...*Shrugs*... whatever... I really couldn't care less...


Dr. Abortion 2:For Juan Shan...


Killall:Oh yeah... that sonofabitch... beat his ass....


And with that Dr. Abortion 2 resumes the beating of ass... Killall looks on nodding his head in agreement...


Solie:Well it looks like Killall is just going to let this fight continue...


Gooch:Indeed... that's right Abortions... fight for the champ's amusement...

Who will help Dr. Abortion 1? Oh wait... her.
By: Dr Abortion

Solie: And it looks like Killall is going to let Dr. Abortion 2 tear Dr. Abortion 1 apart!

Gooch: Well yeah, obviously. It was Dr. Abortion 1 who had swerved Killall, ending the chances of “Killall Babies” to climb through the tag ranks. If Dr. A 2 prevails, and proves he’s the real Dr. A… then we just may see Dr. A 1 kicked out of the UCE forever. Then will Killall Babies be back on track with the Dr. A-Juan Shan teaming over?

Dr. A 2 continues to pound into Dr. A 1. Both men are bleeding a great deal now. Dr. A 1 from his head mostly, and Dr. A 2 from his crotch. I mean… I don’t know what’s bleeding down there. I probably don’t want to know. *shivers*

Dr. A 1: Agh. Quit it. That really hurts.

Dr. A 2: Well now that you’re not so crazy… you’ll have enough sense to admit that you’re a phony!

Dr. A 1: Fake Dr. A? That’s crap man. The fact that I can inject myself with thorazine and my insanity subsides supports the fact that I am the real Dr. Abortion, since the only reason I acted “not insane” from 1999 to 2002 was because my constant drug abuse and self-injections. But I told the world in 2004 when I came back that I had stopped all the use of steroids and drugs. This explains perfectly my personality change.

Dr. A 2: That’s such crap!

Solie: Did you hear that? I think Dr. A 1 has a point. That’s some good evidence in his favor that he could be the real doc, despite his changed personality! I mean listen to him now that that thorazine is in him… he sounds pretty normal!

Gooch: Yeah. He certainly does. And now with that thorazine, he also seems to be able to speak on medical issues to… indicating that he has actual knowledge of medicine instead of just crazy talk.

This new evidence in his favor doesn’t do him any good though, as Dr. A 2 is still beating the crap out of him. After a few elbows to the jaw, Dr. A 2 delivers a vicious armdrag that takes Doc 1 down to the mat. Doc 2 then goes down for a boston crab… elevating and twisting it so that it becomes his finisher… the Trimester Termination!

Solie: The Trimester Termination! A move we haven’t seen a guy calling himself Dr. Abortion do for some time… but was famous in Dr. A’s early career!

Gooch: I don’t think that Christian-Cage-Doc can last much longer! Someone needs to help him out if Killall is just going to let it happen!

Solie: Well… where is the doc’s partner, Juan Shan at? I mean Dr. A 1 interfered in the Holy-Juan match earlier tonight to aid his partner… will Juan show up to reciprocate?!

Back in the ring…

Dr. A 2: You’re never going to get out of this. Admit you’re a fake. Do it or I’ll tear your goddamn legs off!

As he spits that out, the arena lights up again and Dr. A’s classic “Bad Medicine” music plays once more.

Gooch: What’s this? Dr. Abortion already entered twice. Is he going to enter AGAIN?! CRAP! Don’t tell me that there are THREE Doctor Abortions now!

But this will not be so, thank God. Out of the entrance ramp walks the silhouette of a female figure. It’s the same lady who aired that video earlier in the week declaring that all would be revealed at tonight’s PPV. The lights return to normal and the cameras focus to reveal…

Solie: Ms. Contraceptive! It’s Dr. Abortion’s long-gone valet, Ms. Contraceptive!

Gooch: Wait… didn’t earlier in the week they say that the mysterious female silhouette wouldn’t be Ms. Contraceptive?

Solie: Yes, but they said it in an ironic and clearly condescending way to the audience, implicating that it clearly would be her.

Gooch: Ah, I see.

The people in and around the ring all see…

Dr. A 2: HOLY ****!

Roe: HOLY ****!

Wade: HOLY ****!

Dr. A 1: PAPER-THIN RADISHES ARE ATTACKING MY EYEBALLS!!!

Killall: I thought you weren’t supposed to be crazy anymore.

Dr. A 1: Yeah, that thorazine drug stuff doesn’t last forever, you know.

*ahem*… HOLY ****! Roe: It’s been years since we’ve seen her!

Wade: Yeah! Not since… since… well…

Four Years and One Month Ago…

July 2002…

Evil versus Evil…

Prototype, Dr. Abortion, Roe and Wade are standing in a forest outside of Chibougamau, Quebec. Honestly, it’s the middle of nowhere. They have just stomped Celine Dion to death and are now in a post-homicidal depression stage, reflecting on the events that have just occurred.

Prototype has just won the Evil vs. Evil match, and Dr. Abortion’s career claim of being the most evil man in Cyberslam and Wrassle has been voided.

Dr. Abortion’s long-time girlfriend and valet/manager, Ms. Contraceptive, has just given birth two days ago to a baby. A black baby. It was believed by this point that Wade was the father of the child. In fear, Roe and Wade ran away, taking the baby with them to protect it from Dr. A. But Dr. A and Proto teamed up to track them down, and in the ensuing fight, the baby was lost down a river.

Wade: Wow, helping to stomp Celine Dion to death made me feel a little better, but now I miss my kid.

Roe: Come this way, Wade. Let’s get away from Dr. Abortion and talk in private.

The two head off back towards a log cabin, where they were earlier hiding out with the child until Proto and the Doc arrived.

Roe: You know, there is a chance that the kid will survive.

Wade: What? And be raised by wolves or something?

Roe: Okay, I admit it. There is no chance. But we can’t change that now. Look, one of us is going to have to give Ms. Contraceptive a call.

Wade: Oh… that’s terrible. We have to tell her that her baby just got thrown down a river? I can’t do it!

Roe: You’re the father! YOU HAVE TO DO IT!

Wade: Aww… awww! This is crap. It could have just have easily been your baby.

Roe: Look, we drew straws and it was you that used to hit Ms. C’s back while I hit the front. When you draw the long straw you get the benefits… and the consequences.

Wade: Crap man! Crap! Well, I can’t anyway. It’s not like we get reception out here in the middle of nowhere.

Roe: Oh come on, you haven’t even tried yet. We were getting it earlier.

He sighs and turns it on. Unfortunatly, he does get a few bars of reception, which means that the call must be made.

---

We now cut to the Hospital in the City where the TSOB (still the TSOB… Storm won’t defeat Angel Hunter and merge the titles for another few days) occurs. I’m not sure which city it is. Toronto? Calgary? Meh. Something like that.

Nurse: This is room 781. How may I help you? … oh, okay, I’ll see if she’d like to speak with you. *ahem*, M’am. This gentleman says he’s named Wade and that you know him.

She jumps from her bed to grab the phone.

Ms. Contraceptive: Is the baby safe? Is it-

But her excitement turns to anger and sadness when Wade tells the story of what happened.

Ms. C: ****! A ****ING RIVER?! HOW COULD YOU ****ING LET THIS HAPPEN?! YOU… YOU…YOU…

She begins crying uncontrollably, the phone falling from her hand and hitting the floor below. She’s never been the emotional type. Unless those emotions were hate, avarice or self-interested. But the child had changed her. For 9 months she carried it, and grew a life inside of her. And now it was gone. Forever.

Maybe.

Ms. Contraceptive: Rednecks, nerds, virgins… lend me your ears. I cave come to bury Dr. Abortion, not to praise him. You see… I know what happened after July of 2002… after Dr. Abortion was defeated in Evil versus Evil… and went back to Japan to spend another week or so in the NGPW… and learned that it was, in fact, SPX and not Wade, that was the real father of the baby… and then was shot by SPX. After that happened, nobody named Dr. Abortion was seen or heard from again for 2 years… and there was no question that that person who did show up then was the “real” Dr. Abortion until another two years after that.

Dr. A 2: Crap, this crazy bitch is probably going to ruin everything.

Dr. A 1: Yep. Because she’s angry at me for killing her baby.

Dr. A 2: NO! Because she’s angry at ME!!!

Ms. C: All the mystery and questions end tonight though. Because I will reveal the real Dr. Abortion. And it will not be as a show of support… it will be to DESTROY HIM! To end his career. FOREVER.

Killall: Dunn dunn DUNNN! *thonk*

Dr. A 2 punches him in the arm.

Killall: Ow!

Dr. A 2: Quit it.

(Viciously Long) And the Real Doctor Abortion is…
By: Dr Abortion

In the ring, the “debate” between Doctor Abortion 1 and Doctor Abortion 2, an opportunity for these two individuals to cite evidence as to why they are the ideal true Doctor Abortion, has been no such thing. Killall is the man in charge of keeping the debate in order, but as Dr. A 1 had cruelly betrayed him the other week, his version of “calling it down the middle” includes letting Dr. Abortion 2 beat the hell out of the other one.

In the ring are those three, while nearby are Roe and Wade. Also, there is an attendant who was around to help Killall, but he’s not doing much good anymore. And presumably Killall’s two Asian Whores are still nearby too. Maybe. And finally, up on the entrance ramp, stands Ms. Contraceptive – a blast from the REAL Dr. Abortion’s past.

Solie: Doc 1 isn’t looking so good right now. There is blood running down his face. I’m sure he can taste the saltiness!

Gooch: Well Doc 2 looks like he has a bleeding vagina as well. This whole thing isn’t looking good for either of them!

As well as in the outside world… inside Dr. A 1, there is a fight going on. It’s between the insanity that lay within him, and the thorazine sedatives that calm him and arguablt suppress his excess dopamine production, stabilizing his psychosis. Needless to say, his immune system is on the side of insanity, and the drugs are beginning to lose.

Dr. A 1: GRAH!!!! Destruction to all who betray the insect king of Mount Krakatoa! Come on Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Elisha Cuthbert, Keira Knightley and Dolphin-Faced Metal Guitarist Chihuahua! We’ve got an imposter to flay!

In a burst of strength he pushes Dr. A 2 off him, who goes flying down to the mat.

Dr. A 1: Nobody messes with the Emperor of Japan and Commissioner of the NGPW like that!

Killall: Dude, you’re not the commissioner of the NGPW. And even if you were, it wouldn’t matter… because this isn’t NGPW.

Just then, the lights go dark and the big screen lights up, with a flashing “NGPW” logo.

Gooch: AGH! It’s an NGPW invasion! Hide your wives and children! Chevalier is going to try to eat them!

But instead, an NGPW video clip comes on.

Solie: What’s this?! This is Universal Carnage Enterprises! You can’t run that NGPW garbage here!

The clip is a few years old though. From July 2002, in fact.

The doc has flown back to NGPW to clear out his locker after losing Evil vs. Evil. Roe and Wade followed him back too, trying to murder him for the death of Ms. C’s baby. But when the midgets learned that Wade was not the father, the group put aside their differences and joined forces once more…

Dr. A: Great! This is terrific. But one strange, strange question remains to be answered. If neither of you are the father of Ms. C’s dark skinned child, who could the father be?

Suddenly, former NGPW star who retired earlier this month, SPX, walks by.

SPX: *whistle*… Oh, hi Dr. Abortion. I’m back here to pick up my severance package from Martini. Looks like you’re packed to go too, huh? Well good luck wherever you go.

He strolls off whistling. No doubt he’s whistling the tune of some song that is about his enormous unit. Because this is all he ever talks about.

Roe: Say… didn’t he used to be in the SHOW?

Wade: Yeah… yeah. I remember. He was in the SHOW back when we were in the SHOW.

Roe: I remember. That was… uhh… about nine months ago.

Wade: Yeah, nine, give or take.

Dr. A: Sonofa…

Dr. Abortion pulls a concealed handgun out of his tights and runs down the hall.

…

*gunshot*

Roe: Oh,… that crazy Dr. Abortion! Hehehe…

Wade: Hahahahaha…

Roe: Hehehehe…

Wade: THAT, my little friend, was CLASSIC Dr. Abortion right there.

Roe: Right. Classic Physician on a Mission, Practical Practioner, Doc from DC stuff!

Wade: It’s so like him to charge at SPX with a gun, only to have SPX turn around and shoot him in the head!

Roe: Indeed! Hahahaha…

Roe and Wade then go to take him to a hospital to get medical treatment. And that was the last seen of Dr. Abortion for a long, long time.

Solie: Well, from what I take it that was the last ever footage seen of the “real Doctor Abortion” that both men claim to be and claimed happen to them.

Gooch: You know what… I think this explains it all!

Gooch pulls off his headset and waddles his fat ass over to the ring announcer to grab a microphone.

Gooch: FANS! WAIT! Dr. Abortion got shot in the head! He probably got some brain damage from that, which made him mentally unstable. And they probably had to cut up his face a bunch to operate on him. Which means he had to have plastic surgery to repair it! Only they didn’t make him look like he used to look… THEY MADE HIM LOOK LIKE Dr. Abortion 1 --- THE REAL DOCTOR ABORTION!

Audience: *stunned silence*

Solie: Wow, Gooch! That was actually some fine deduction!

In the ring…

Dr. A 1: Yes… yes! Absolutely true! All of that was exactly what happened! Except for the “became mentally unstable” part. Because I’m not crazy. I’m perfectly normal. Would a crazy man fill his bathtub full of gasoline and Coco Puffs, then bathe in it while masturbating to episodes of Dragonball Z? I THINK NOT!

Everyone takes a few steps back from Dr. A 1.

Ms. Contraceptive: Pretty good guess, Gooch! Now let’s watch this clip…

Ms. C interrupts once again, and so does the big screen…

April, 2000.

Long before Prototype and Dr. Abortion fought it out over who was the most Evil Man in Wrassle, Dr. Abortion was back in CSlam, just trying to prove that he was the most evil competitor in the CRF. A man calling himself Carnage claimed the same title, and challenged the Doc in a Loser-Leaves-Fed match. Dr. A won. He stayed and Carnage left. And Dr. A’s heel heat and claim to be the most evil spread until eventually people began to question whether the Doc or Prototype was more evil. But carnage didn’t leave the CRF without giving a departing shot to Dr. Abortion, that would forever change his… well… future.

As the doc cockily (and you’ll find the word choice amusing in a few seconds) sits atop of Carnage, Carny moves his hands… Ms. C tires to warn him, but a ringing in his ears blocks it out.

Carnage quickly and violently grabs the near-by screwdriver and jabs it at Dr. A’s ‘nuts.’

Dr. A: IIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

JS: AGH! I didn’t just see what I though I saw? Did I JR?

Solie: Wait… wait a minute here… That’s the evidence there! It’s all in the crotch!

He points towards Dr. A 2’s groin.

Gooch: Well that’s just gross, Solie. If you want to search for evidence there, then you can.

Killall: *gasp*… the bloodstain! All Doc 1 did was punch Doc 2 in the huevos and he started bleeding out!

Ms. Contraceptive: That’s right, ladies and gentlemen… the real Dr. Abortion is… Dr. Abortion #2!!!

Audience: *retracts previous gasp and give new gasp*

Dr. A 2: Oh great, great. That’s just typical. The whole world refuses to admit the blindly obvious… that a guy who looks like Dr. Abortion, talks like Dr. Abortion, walks like Dr. Abortion, wrestles like Dr. Abortion, acts like Dr. Abortion… IS IN FACT, DOCTOR ABORTION. That is until people see my balls bleed. Then they’re all like “oh yeah, that’s certainly Dr. Abortion, I can tell because his impotent, tiny, shriveled bleeding balls!”

Killall: Look, why didn’t you just show us all your balls in the first place? Then we’d have known and we could have avoided this whole- Wait… wait… oh God… I didn’t just say that, did I? *adjusts shades* ASIAN HOOKERS! MAKE OUT WITH ME NOW!

They do so, thus proving Killall is straight. Doc 2, who we can now call “Dr. Abortion,” goes over and grabs the mic from his podium.

Dr. A 2: At last some ****ing recognition around here! ME! It was ME who debuted in the iUIWA… me who rose to the in just a little over two months because my amazing heel heat… me who feuded with Kronus… and the Covenant… and the Barn… who played in the days of Legends. Who came to Wrassle… who DOMINATED the SHOW, who won all it’s major titles… who held three titles at once and couldn’t be beaten… who was so damn important that at the first ever Wrasslepalooza… they had to book the most important match of the whole event just to give closure to my war of words with Proto. A match that outshined even the merging of the TSOB and CSlam Ultimate titles! Nobody talked about that pre-planned Storm-vs-Angel Hunter screwjob afterwards. They all said, “HOLY ****! Did you see Evil vs Evil? That was the best event EVER!” Those my friends… were the days that Wrassle was a real collection of feds… with real names and real talents. Hundreds and hundreds of names. Now what? A pitiful handful of actives in a weak 2-national organization. I am the great Dr. Abortion of the past… when the past was great… and only in a Wrassle where the fans and fighters have come to expect less… come to expect nothing… would anyone even think that this insane, cruiserweight dip**** could hold a CANDLE to the talent and greatness that was once Dr. Abortion. I mean he doesn’t even try. The insanity is just an excuse to not pay attention to other people’s promos, and not sell things properly. Then he can just say, “oh, I’m insade… everything is wrong in my head.” He’s lazy… he’s stupid… and he’s FAKE! FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE! GRAHHH!!!

Dr. Abortion rips the microphone from his podium, tearing the wires. He throws it to the ground and stomps on it, shattering it to hell.

Killall: So then who the hell are you?

Fake Dr. A: No ****ing way dude, I’m Dr. Abortion! Check this out… I got a bleeding crotch too!

He drops his pants. But no bleeding crotch. So he picks up a jagged edge of the shattered microphone and stabs himself in the groin.

Fake Dr. A: AGHGHHHH! SWEET MERCIFUL TETRAGRAMMATON!

Ms. Contraceptive: You won’t find out from him. He hasn’t a clue who he is. He’s blitering insane, and that’s the way I found him.

Dr. A: Wait… YOU FOUND HIM?

Ms. C: That’s right. Quite a suitable replacement, no?

Dr. A: Well now your stupid charade is up. And his claim to the name is done.

Ms. C: Oh is it? Let’s take a look here!

She holds up a sheet of paper.

Ms. C: You were nothing… James Babicila. Everything good about you that ever happened… I made happen. I devised your gimmick… I created your character… I controlled you behind the scenes. You were an okay midcarder heel in the iUIWA. But it was I who launched you to the top. I created the plotline where I pretended to be your sweet, innocent valet… and you beat me constantly and sent me to a battered woman’s shelter. Quickly after that, your heat was insurmountable, and the CRF came calling. Then I returned and revealed my true nature to everyone… and since that time everyone has known that I’ve been the one who always got to over… who guided your career. All your victories came when I was around you. Then I got pregnant, our relationship ended. Not because your hatred of babies – that was just a gimmick I invented. Because you’re jealously that you couldn’t satisfy me… you impotent little half-man.

Solie: Ouch.

Gooch: You said it.

Ms. C: What next for you? Losses. You squandered in the regionals, was pathetically defeated in the BRB by a nobody named the Disciple, and was completely humiliated by Prototype at Evil versus Evil. Your one claim… the one thing that drove your entire career and gimmick… your claim to be the most evil around… dead in the water. If you still worked for me, and took my orders, there is no way Proto could have defeated you. It’s no surprise that after you lost, and after you got out of the hospital to recover from your gunshot wound, that you became a pariah, retired and living in Asia in solitude. You should have stayed that way.

Dr. A: No way, Ms. Bitch. I’m back and here to stay.

Ms. C: Not so fast. Perhaps you should take a look at this piece of paper that I’ve been holding in my hand. It is… in fact… my ownership… OF YOU.

Dr. A: NOBODY OWNS ME! I’M A MAN!

Ms. C: Oh, I don’t own James Babicila, the Johns Hopkins-educated doctor who became a CSlamer and Wrassler. But I do own the name “Dr. Abortion.” I created it. I created the gimmick. I created your catchphrases… your mannerisms… everything that made you a name. Look at the paper. Look at the ownership. It doesn’t have your name… it has mine!

Dr. A: Bitch, that’s just a sheet of paper! That doesn’t change the fact that I am Doctor Abortion!

Ms. C: Check that… you WERE Doctor Abortion. Yet now, I, as owner of the Dr. Abortion moniker and character, officially transfer ownership of that title to this crazy bitch right here. In fact… I transfer the title of EVERYTHING over. My character, Ms. Contraceptive… the Midgets Roe and Wade… the title histories… the T-Shirt sales… the website… it’s all his. So stop calling yourself Dr. Abortion, JAMES.

Dr. Abortion James Baicila: AGH!!! SONOFABITCH!!!!

Fake Dr. A Dr. Abortion: Ooo! Thank you pretty lady. The Doc is back in business, bitches!

Ms. C: So… I don’t care if you win or loose, James. Go ahead and beat the new Dr. Abortion. Because I destroyed you… and I destroyed everything you were. A victory for you here will be a victory for James Babicila. And we’ll see how many feds want a loser like that around when they can have Dr. Abortion instead. Your career is over. Adios!

And with that she turns and walks up the ramp.

Solie: Well fans… there you have it! This “debate” and/or match isn’t quite over yet… but we do know who the real Dr. Abortion is!

Gooch: Right! Dr. Abortion 2!

Solie: No, it’s Dr. Abortion 1!

Gooch: Not really. Dr. Abortion 2 WAS the real Dr. Abortion! He was the Doctor Abortion that always was!

Solie: That doesn’t matter anymore though. Dr. Abortion is just a character. And the character doesn’t belong to him anymore… it belongs to the other doc!

Gooch: But… but… agh… this is so damn confusing.

Dr. Abortion: So Jimmy, how does it feel realizing that I really AM Dr. Abortion?

James Babicila: If I can’t have the name… then you won’t either. Because I will cut your goddamn head off and stick it on a pike to show the world what happens to usurpers.

James charges and begins to strangle Dr. Abortion.

There was a little more match action after this post that I thought I saved (but also apparently didn’t). It’s okay though, since the big plot revelation was there. Essentially all that happens next is that they fight and James Babicila wins. Despite winning the fight – he doesn’t win the war, as UCE Security takes him and throws him out of the Steeplechase arena and into the dumpsters outside. You see, it was Dr. Abortion who was contracted to the UCE, not James Babicila. The “New” Dr. Abortion celebrates and fires Roe and Wade forever, as he owns the rights to their gimmicks. He and Juan head off to do more zany antics then. The End.