**Warning(Cast for DTV**): (I have these people's permission to use them in DTV) The Star/Host: Doozer. Co-Stars: Dusty, Yojin Musahiri, and The Dude. Other Cast Members: Dazz, Genecide, and Wreck. Guest Star: None. ***DARE Program Coming Soon: We already have three applications!!! Dare to keep people of Donuts... Donut Abuse Resistance Education... You can sign up for it... Fill out Doozer's App... If you join his DARE Program, you are automatically a Member of the Cast on DTV*** (As the credits for yet another great "Celebrity Death-Match" play, the voice of Bert, the MTV News Reporter Desk man Guy thingy is heard.) Bert: That was a great Thanksgiving Celebrity Death-Match. I guess that Justin guy from N’sync should thank Eminem for giving his head back. Anyway, up next is the Fourth Episode of DTV. That’s right, Doozer Television is already on its Fourth Episode. Yesterday on DTV, Doozer and The Gang hung around the house and Yojin pulled a hilarious prank on Dusty, then they ventured over to Plymouth Rock with some educational stuff about Thanksgiving, and then we saw Doozer cut yet another great promo. Well, today on DTV there will not be "The Home of The Homies." There will not be "Boyz ‘N The Hood." There will not be "Talkin’ Shit." No, today DTV is going to be dedicated to finding out all the mysteries about Doozer Television and about the characters that are in it. Yes folks, all three hours of DTV is going to be solving mysteries. What kind of mysteries, you say? Watch on and find out… ("Ain’t Nuthing but a G Thang" by Dr. Dre plays as clips of Doozer wrestling, Dusty wrestling, Yojin Musahiri wrestling, The Dude wrestling, Dazz wrestling, Genecide wrestling, and Wreck wrestling are all shown and the screen quickly switches over to…) Director: Alright guys, this is going to be a great show today. No scripts again, I don’t feel like getting Dusty and The Dude all confused like yesterday. Since today is going to be a special kind of show, there will be no guest stars. Hell, we have enough co-stars to make three different shows. Doozer: Man, we do have three different shows. Director: That is exactly why we have so many co-stars. Dusty: I’m confused… The Dude: Me too… Dusty: Well, great minds think alike , Dude. Doozer: Yeah, and in the case of you two, great minds don’t think at all. Director: Alright, we are getting pretty close to show time. Hey, you guys notice how much the ratings go up from "Celebrity Death-Match" to our show? Doozer: Yeah dawg, it’s like record-breaking or something. Yojin Musahiri: Yeah, "Celebrity Death-Match" got some good ratings, but once DTV comes on they shoot right threw the roof. Dusty: They do? Then why don’t I see any holes in the roof? Doozer: Well, you know that hole you got in your ass? Dusty: My bum-bum hole? Yeah, I poop through that. Doozer: Well, *in a kind voice* There is going to be another hole in that ass… *angry voice* Because if you don’t stop being so retarded I’m gonna rip you a new asshole!!! Dusty: Ah, harsh language. (Dusty runs around in circles slapping himself repeatedly.) The Dude: And why do you feel like you have to announce these things? (Because it is my job, damn it.) Dusty: More harsh language. Doozer: What are you talking about Dusty? Nobody said anything. And, Dude, who the hell were you talking to? The Dude: The guy who speaks in orange words. Doozer: I think it is about time for Unsolved DTV Mysteries. Director: That it is, Doozer. Alright, everybody get ready and here we go... ("Some Strange Unsolved Mysteries Type of Music" by some Wacko plays as clips of the paranormal are shown. Only, this a different kind of paranormal. This is like clips of Dusty saying words that have more than four letters. These are clips of Wreck checking out women and not men. These are clips of Dazz losing a wrestling match. These are clips of Doozer wearing a tuxedo. These are also clips such as Yojin Musahiri being a boyscout. The screen quickly switches to...) *This show might have some disturbing content and language. Viewer discretion is advised.* Doozer: Screw the viewer discretion right up the back side... Oh, hello people of the paranormal, I am Doozer and I am ready to bring to you... DTVs Mysteries that are Unsolved. Now, we have had some pretty viscous mysteries floating around here and I will solve them with your help. Actually, I'm not going to have your help, but it'd be cool if I did care what you people thought out there, too bad for you. (Suddenly, five blobs start running around the room, they have knives in their hands and bags covering them and a banner on them that says, "Viscous.") Doozer: But, there are always some mysteries that are not viscous, as in that retarded mystery right over there who has a spoon and not a knife. Dusty: Aw, I am even retarded at being a mystery. Can I do anything right? Why Lord, why me? Doozer: Damn, he is pretty scary though. I mean, a five-hundred pound retard yelling at the top of his lungs in a dimly-lit room. I know if I was seven years old piss would be running down my leg right now. (All the mystery bag people take off their bags and Doozer directs Wreck into a sound-proof room.) Doozer: Now, while one person is in the sound-proof room, myself and the gang with try to figure out and solve their mystery. The first person to go in is Wreck. Yojin Musahiri: Wreck is a disturbed guy. He says he is not gay, when each and everyday he reveals more facts to prove him the other way. Doozer: Big props to the rhyming Yojin. Yojin Musahiri: Thanks, I didn't even mean to. Dazz: Now, the first thing that brought us to the conclusion that this guy was gay is that he said hot lesbian sex was gross. Genecide: I was deeply disturbed when he said that because I had been arm-wrestling with him. You never know where his hand might have been. It might have been up another guys ass or something. I will not go any further with this. Doozer: So, now we are here trying to figure out this puzzling mystery... Is Wreck gay or is he straight? (That weird mystery type of dah duh dahn music plays just after Doozer reveals Wreck's mystery.) Dusty: I think I know how to solve this mystery. Let's call up his parents. Doozer: Good idea, now even though Dusty isn't in a sound-proof room, he just yet again showed us his mystery. Why he can be so retarded and smart at the same time? Anyway, lets call up his parents now. Yojin Musahiri: *walks up to the phone book and picks it up* Alright... Wreck's parent's number is... 695-3225, they are in the area code of 207. Call it up, Doozer. (Doozer walks over to a phone. He picks it up and dials 207-695-3225. It rings twice and then is picked up by a woman. Both voices of the conversation can be heard.) Woman: Hello? Doozer: Hi, this is Doozer from the Dream Wrestling Federation, you should know me and if you don't you are probably living in a barn with no TV. Woman: No, I know you. You are the sexy one right? Doozer: *holds his hand over the phone to talk to The Gang* Well, at least his mother isn't gay. Dazz: Dude, if his mom was gay then how would she have Wreck? Doozer: Good point, I'm retarded. *uncovers the phone and resumes the conversation with the woman* Are you Wreck's mom? Wreck's Mom: Yes, I am. Doozer: What is your name. Kim: My name is Kim. Doozer: Oh, that's a pretty name, probably for a pretty woman. Yojin Musahiri: Haha, Doozer this isn't time to hit on Wreck's mom. She's old enough to be your mom. Doozer: *waves of Yojin and resumes over the phone conversation* Do not take any of this personally, it is just part of my show. Now, have you ever suspected of Wreck being a fa... I mean, a fudge pac... um, have you ever suspected Wreck of being a homosexual? Kim: Actually, yes I have. Doozer: Oh well that is interesting because we do, to. Hey, we have something in common. Yojin Musahiri: Doozer, don't do it. Doozer: Shut up, Yojin. Now, Kim, what made you suspicious of Wreck being gay? Kim: Well, to my knowing, he has never had a girlfriend. He also has boys over constantly and likes to play "wrestling" with them that doesn't resemble wrestling, but resembles hardcore gay sex more. He also had a playgirl under his bed. Doozer: *ready to puke* Okay, I think I have enough information. Thank you for spoiling my supper and tomorrow's breakfast and lunch, bye. Kim: Buh bye. (Doozer hangs up the phone and looks back at the gang, Dusty is beating his head up against a wall probably trying to get sick gay pictures of Wreck playing that version of "wrestling" with other boys out of his head. Yojin is just smiling while shaking his head at Doozer for Doozer's attempt at flirting with Wreck's mom. Dazz and Genecide are just playing it cool, trying not to let the whole playgirl thing get to them.) Doozer: Now, we will engage in a conversation with Wreck. This is when he can prove to us that he is not a fudge packer. (A speaker is lowered into Wreck's room so that Wreck and the gang outside of the sound-proof room can hear each other.) Doozer: Now Wreck, I am going to make this easy for you... Are you gay or are you not? Wreck: Not. Doozer: What were you doing with those boys? Wreck: Oh, I was just going for a leap frog, but got tripped up and rammed right into his ass. And then I just gave him a powerbomb. Doozer: I can see how that would make your mother think of hardcore gay sex. Hey, hardcore, like my Hardcore Title. Yojin Musahiri: Okay, while Doozer is caught up saying "his" Hardcore Title when he hasn't won it yet, I will continue for him. Now, why did you have playgirls under your bed. Wreck: That's easy, see I bring them over to this girls house and whenever she sees those guys she wants to do it, so really I am getting some while people think I am gay, it is funny. Doozer: Okay, I am convinced and that is a good idea, Wreck. *in a quieter muffled voice* I'm gonna use it on his mom. Yojin Musahiri: Doozer, you are sick. Doozer: Wreck, you are free to step out. Next in will be Dusty. (Wreck steps out of the sound-proof room and Dusty slowly gets in.) Dusty: Slowly but surely, Mister. Doozer: And that brings us to the mystery of Dusty. He seems to talk to some imaginary friend that nobody else can hear or talk to. But, The Dude can also talk to him. So, Dude, you get in their too. (The Dude gets into the sound-proof room with Dusty, they are probably gonna do it.) The Dude: I heard that bastard. Doozer: My point exactly, now they say he talks in orange words. Well, me and the gang being the people of the paranormal that we are, will figure this mystery out. See, since the orange guy talks to retards, I am going to attempt to smoke myself retarded. I bought some weed in preparation for this and I am ready to go. The Gang in Unison(Dazz, Yojin, Wreck, and Genecide): I think we should have some, too. Doozer: Alright, we can just have a big circle and pass it around. (Doozer takes out a huge group water bong.) Doozer: Never mind, with this thing we can all do it at the same time. (Doozer packs all his weed into the group water bong and as everybody has their mouth on each valve and Doozer lights it up.) Doozer: Alright everybody, suck until you can't and remember to inhale while you are at it. (After they smoke the whole two pound bag, they all pass out.) Doozer: *just starting to stand up* Whoa, I am like Mega Dude Guy right now. I think I can fly. Yojin Musahiri: Dude, I think you did smoke yourself retarded cause you said you could fly, man. That is what Dusty dawg diggity dawg diggity... I forgot what I was talking about. Dazz: It's cool man, happens to the bestisis of us man. (As you can see, they are all f*cked up.) Doozer: You got that one right man. Hey, you know what I always thought was just way far out there and stuff? Yojin Musahiri: Yeah, I do. Doozer: What? Yojin Musahiri: I don't know... (They all suddenly just start laughing their asses off for no apparent reason. When, the laughing has died down. Doozer looks over at Genecide and sees him still laughing. The sight of Genecide laughing makes Doozer laugh hysterically. Then, it starts off a chain reaction of laughing all over again. This goes on for about ten straight minutes.) Doozer: Whoa, it didn't feel like ten minutes. (Well, it was.) Doozer: Whatever you say, orange dude. Yojin Musahiri: Hey, Doozedawg, you do it man. Yeah, you just like... *starts laughing again* You just like smoked yourself retarded and now you are talking to the orange guy thing person and stuff like that. Doozer: Sweet, I guess he is real. Okay, this mystery is... Wow, mystery is a wacky word. Dazz: Mystery... mystery... *in a deeper voice* mystery... *in a high voice* mystery... myst... ery... myst... ery. Yeah, it is definitely a wacky word. Doozer: What was I gonna say? Yojin Musahiri: Uh, this mystery is solved? Doozer: Oh yeah, this mystery is... damn, mystery is one far out word. Dazz: Mys... tery... *in a deep voice* mys... *in a high voice* tery. Yeah, it is so far out that I can't touch it. Doozer: Wow... Yojin Musahiri: I'll say it then, the second mystery has been solved. (After a couple of hours they are back to sanity enough so that they can finish their sentences.) Director: Well guys, we are almost out of time already. You guys wasted so much time being stoned out of your mind. Anyway, Doozer you should wrap it up pretty soon there buddy. Doozer: Got ya man. Oh yeah, we should let Dusty and The Dude out of their sound-proof room now that we know that they really do talk to a guy in orange words. Yojin Musahiri: Yeah, that guy kicks royal ass. Doozer: To bad we can't talk to him again. Dazz: We could if we smoked ourselves retarded again. Doozer: True that, true that. Yojin Musahiri: You are like a backwards Kurt Angle. Doozer: Yeah, well I got three Is for you. One, I am bigger than you. Two, I am stronger than you. And three, I can kick your ass. So, take that, put it in your pipe and smoke it. Yojin Musahiri: I can't, they are just words dude.
