**Warning(Cast for DTV**): (I have these people's permission to use them in DTV) The Star/Host: Doozer. Co-Stars: Dusty, Yojin Musahiri, and The Dude, Extremist, and Hardcore Kinch. Other Cast Members: Dazz, Genecide, and Wreck. Guest Star: None. ***DARE Program Coming Soon: We already have FIVE applications!!! Dare to keep people of Donuts... Donut Abuse Resistance Education... You can sign up for it... Fill out Doozer's App... If you join his DARE Program, you are automatically a Member of the Cast on DTV*** (As the credits for "Celebrity Death-Match" hit the screen the voice of an MTV Desk Man Person Thing named Bert is heard over the television) Bert: Well, what a Main Event at Celebrity Death-Match. I have never see such a Main Event. I mean, the NWA, made up of rappers such as Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and others faced off against the boy band of The Backstreet Boys. Well, not only did NWA win, but they literally cut the Backstreet Boys into pieces. Next up is Doozer Television airing its Seventh Episode!!! Yes, today on DTV, Doozer and The Gang will try to solve the rest of DTVs Mysteries that are unsolved. Well, it’s time for… D-T-V!!! ("Urban Assault Vehicle" the remix of "Rollin’" by Limp Bizkit, DMX, Method Man, and Red Man hits the television as clips of Doozer winning the Hardcore Title, Extremist winning the Lightweight Championship, Dusty retaining his People’s Title, and other great feats by each DTV Cast Member are shows and the screen quickly switches over to…) Director: Alright guys, last show was great the one before that was even better. So, I was to see you guys put on the best damn DTV Episode yet. There is no "Home of The Homies" or "Boyz ‘N The Hood" or "Talkin’ Shit" today. Just "DTVs Mysteries." So, let’s get rolling. Doozer: I hear you dawg. Dusty: Jinkies Doozer, I think we can all hear him. Doozer: I got something for you to think about so you will shut up… If a tree falls in the middle of the woods with nobody to hear it, does it make a sound? (Dusty starts thinking about that and becomes into a deep trance over it. Then, "Ain’t Nuthing’ but a G Thang" by Dr. Dre plays as clips of the last DTVs Mysteries show are shown and the screen switches over to…) Doozer: Hey yo to all my Homies at their homes!!! This is The Dooze, your very own Truly Electric Hardcore Champion!!! I see it as this… since we have no Rock here to be electric I will be DWF's Rocky!!! Now, we are resuming DTVs Mysteries that are unsolved today after not doing it for two shows in a row. They made us postpone it because we showed the censors our Episode of it and they found it to be way to harsh and stuff like that, so we had to make up a more "family-friendly" show. Well, the first mystery that we are going to solve is… Yojin Musahiri: Doozer, somebody let the dogs out of my kennel today when I was sleeping!!! Doozer: There it is… Who Let Yojin’s Dogs Out? Dusty: *in a rough bark-like voice* Who… who… who, who, who? The Dude: Now, Yojin you have to go into the sound-proof room. (Yojin steps inside the sound-proof room and just sits down in the corner and does nothing.) Doozer: Alright, I don’t have a clue in hell on how we can solve this case. The Dude: I think I have a good question to ask a neighbor of his or somebody. Doozer: Thank god, what it is? The Dude: Ask him or her if they by any chance the dogs left some dog crap. Doozer: Of course he had to come up with a damn stupid ass question. Why would that help us find out who let Yojin’s dogs out? The Dude: Well, I thought that it might and… um… God I’m retarded!!! Doozer: The first smart thing you’ve said all day and for your whole life pretty much. Dusty: I come up with some smart things to say sometimes too... wait a minute... I think I'm coming up with something... yeah... yeah... yeah...... nope, I lost it... Genecide: How can you stand to be around him each and everyday? Doozer: Don't even ask... The Dude: But he just did, silly. Genecide: There are two of them!!! Wreck: Shouldn't we be getting back to solving the problem? Doozer: Man you're gay. Wreck: We already solved that I am not gay for god's sake. Extremist: Alright, I say that we call up the neighbors and... The Dude: Ask them if they've seen any dog crap lately? Extremist: No, we should call them up and see if they have had any problems like that or seen anything. The Dude: When you say problems, do you mean like hemorrhoids or something? Doozer: Oh no, don't mention hemorrhoids again. I remember when you just wouldn't stop talking about them. Hardcore Kinch: Wait a minute, I think I have it... The Dude: What? The cure for hemorrhoids? Dusty: Doozer, what if there are any animals around and they hear the tree? Doozer: No, see vibrations are only turned into sound by the human brain. Dusty: And there is nobody around? Not even someone going to an outhouse or masturbating behind a tree? Doozer: Nobody at all!!! Dusty: But what if there were... Doozer: SHUT THE F(censored)CK UP AND THINK ABOUT IT!!! Dusty: Ah, harsh language in usage. Doozer: Anyway, let's call up the neighbors. (Doozer picks up the phone then realizes one really important thing.) Doozer: How can we call them neighbors if we don't know the number? And how can we look up their number if we don't know their name? Dazz: I don't know, I guess this is just an unsolvable case. Hardcore Kinch: And I am thinking Dazz over there is correct. Dusty: But what if it makes really big vibration thingys that go all the way to where the people are? Doozer: Okay, this tree is falling down and there is nobody else on the planet to hear it, not even animals. Dusty: Then golly jee it makes a sound. Doozer: Why? Dusty: Because God is everywhere and he will hear it. Doozer: Good enough for me... I guess we can let Yojin out because we aren't going to be able to solve his mystery. (After contemplating the fact that they could not solve Yojin’s mystery, they decide that they could not solve it… smart guys huh? So, they let Yojin out of the sound-proof room and get ready for the next mystery.) Doozer: I guess we should try to solve Dazz’s mystery. Dazz: *talking to himself* I wonder if pink nails go better with the dress I have at home. Doozer: And it is, why does such a big and powerful man like to dress up as a woman sometimes? Yojin Musahiri: Well, Dazz you should go into the sound proof room now? (Dazz walks slowly into the sound-proof room.) Doozer: Well, boys, how are we going to solve this one? Wreck: Maybe if we all just dress up as women and we could find out... Doozer: Wreck, that is just a cheap excuse to see us guys change. You frigen gay bastard. Genecide: I thought we figured out that Wreck wasn't gay... Doozer: Oh, so you must be gay too. Genecide: Why am I gay now? Doozer: Gay people stick up for gay people, ya know the Gay Rights Clubs, they are all fudge packers... Yojin Musahiri: It's true, sad but true. Dusty: I was in one of those groups and I'm not gay. They told me to join if I was sexually confused and well... I'm confused about everything else so I said, "what the heck." Doozer: Shut up... Now, we are going to do something... The Dude: Let's dress up as girls!!! Dusty: Yay... Wreck: I got to say that sooner or later my "fem" side is just going to burst out. Doozer:... (The screen goes to Dazz who is combing his hair in front of a mirror in the sound-proof room and talking to himself about how he thinks he is fat. Ten minutes later we go back to the gang and... they are all dressed up as girls. Doozer is standing there with purple lipstick and runny socks and a pink flower dress looking very unhappy. Dusty is wearing a skin-tight mini-skirt because they didn't have anything in his size. Wreck is standing there with pink lipstick and a purple sparkling blouse with a handbag and finger-nail polish and all the women accessories, with loose wrists. The others are wearing normal women clothes.) Dusty: Hey, Doozer, your socks are running. Doozer: Yeah, I know. Dusty: Well ya better go and catch them silly!!! (Doozer starts to run around to Dusty's amusement, but then Doozer turns around and clothelines Dusty sending him to the floor and tearing his mini-skirt.) Wreck: Oh my, help him. Now that is just a fashion disaster if I ever did see one. Dusty: You just ripped my dress after It took me so long to find one that I could get past my ankles, I'm not talking to you! Doozer: I'm so sorry. Wreck: It's ok Dusty, I'll sew it up for you. (After a lot of fooling around and stuff the gang looks like they are all happy, even Doozer himself.) Doozer: I think we have solved the mystery boys... I mean, girls. Yojin Musahiri: Yeah, Dazz dresses up like girls because well it gets him free drinks and it is wicked fun. Doozer: Yeah, I say we should have a special day in the week where we go out as "Girlz 'N The Hood." Director: You guys should let poor old Dazz out of the sound-proof room now. He looks like he's about to do something drastic. (Doozer looks over and Dazz is about ready to shave off all his hair. So, Doozer runs over and opens the door. Dazz sees everybody dressed up as girls and a big smile forms on his face.) Doozer: So, why'd you look so glum there? Dazz: *sniffles* Well, it's just you insensative pigs were putting me in that room just because I dress as a girl sometimes. But, now that I see you guys doing it I realize that you are only doing it for me. Thankyou so much. Dusty: Actually, no we weren't. We were just trying to find out why you liked it so much. Doozer: *elbows Dusty* That's crazy talk Dazz. But, we did find out why. Because it makes us feel all sexy. Yojin Musahiri: Yeah, so every Friday night we are going to go bar-hopping as "Girlz 'N The Hood." Doozer: Yeah, and get some free drinks while we are at it. Dazz: Yeah, awesome!!! I'm so happy you guys understand me now. (Dazz goes to hug Doozer, but Doozer turns it into a handshake, but Wreck runs over faster than a speeding bullet and gives Dazz a hug. I'm not sure, but it looks like I saw Wreck doing a little grind. After a little bit, the gang gets dressed back up in their normal clothes. Yojin Musahiri: Alright, next up is Doozer's mystery. I am almost positive it is our last DTV Mystery. Doozer: Damn, I am just the greatest aren't I? Yojin Musahiri: If you all couldn't figure it out by now you have been raised in a barn because Doozer's mystery is this... Why is Doozer so damn cocky? Dusty: *butt bumps Yojin out of the way* Yeah, and this is Dusty on Dusty Live... Next up... studd. Doozer: Hey, this is my show... Doozer Television... the best damn show on Television. Dazz: Okay, get your cocky ass into that sound-proof room. Doozer: Wreck, you don't even have to say it, I know it's a fine one at that. (Doozer walks into the sound-proof room and just sits there gazing at himself in the mirror while taking off his shirt and kissing his muscles.) Dusty: Now, how are we going to figure out this mystery? The Dude: Well, I say we... and stuff... cause of that... like... um... I don't have clue. Yojin Musahiri: Well, dressing up like girls helped us figure out about Dazz. I think we should go in Doozer's room and put on some of his clothes and talk to some people and act as him. (They all walk into Doozer's room, but Yojin stops Wreck for fear of his ass losing it's virginity while changing. The Dude comes out wearing Doozer's Nomar Garciaparra Jersey and official Boston Red Sox hat with baggy cargo pants. Dusty comes out next wearing Doozer's T-shirt labeled "Born Buff" and his baggy jeans. Extremist comes out wearing Doozer's "Extreme Satisfaction" T-shirt and baggy car-hearts. Hardcore Kinch comes out wearing Doozer's "Extreme Cruelty" T-shirt and baggy red shorts. Dazz comes out wearing Doozer's "Truly Electric Hardcore Champion" T-shirt and baggy windpants. After all of the members of the Gang are out and wearing Doozer's T-shirts you can see a big and quick change in their attitudes.) Dusty: I am one Born Buff and Sexy cha cha. Yojin Musahiri: Shut up, dude, I am way cooler and stronger than you are. The Dude: Yeah, well I got the best shirt out of all of you on. Dazz: No way, I am just too Hardcore and Electric for all you bitches. Dusty: Just admit it, none of you are even half the man I am. Everyone in Unison: Yeah, you're right about that one. Extremist: I am just that damn Extremely Satisfying so put that in your pipes in smoke it. Yojin Musahiri: I just totally figured it out. Hardcore Kinch: Dude, I had it figured out way before you. Yojin Musahiri: I know why Doozer is so cocky. Dusty: Because these clothes make people look and feel so pooping better than everybody else. (Yojin opens up the sound-proof room while flexing his muscles. Doozer steps out.) Director: You better be finishing up there Dooze.
