Clays review of MOAM (not MOAN)
Measure of a Man
a review by Clayton H. Aiken
No stars (Because I'm not a star. I'm just me.)
I have no idea why anyone would want me to review my own CD, because
I'm not that special. But I have to pick my battles, and since the
label honored my request for songs having nothing whatsoever to do with
casual, you know, S-E-X, I decided I would write this review when Clive
asked. He still hasn't told me where it will be published, but I trust
his judgment. Although Kim said she'd never seen a self-review before,
so she suspects he wants it just for laughs. Well, I've been laughed at
for less, so if that's the case, then laugh away, Clive! HA!!!
Measure of a Man is very special to me. Which isn't to say that I think
I'm special. No siree. That's why I wouldn't let them call the album
Clay Aiken, like they wanted. I realize that my name is still on the CD
cover, and that it's even bigger than the words Measure of a Man.
Believe me, I picked that battle. And I lost. Sigh. But at least
Measure of a Man is on there. Because it's such a clear and unambiguous
title for a CD. Especially because it's my CD, and all the songs are
pure. Therefore, no one should misinterpret MOAM as an invitation to
discuss the measurements of anything indecent, like my feet. Nor should
they misread MOAM as MOAN. That is just sick. They can, it seems, use
it as an opportunity to make jokes about how I don't measure up to the
current quality of pop music. Yes, I've read the reviews. No, they
don't bother me. None of them have been meaner than Simon. Except he
never made a play on the word "measure." Thank goodness.
Before I review the songs, I want to touch on the omissions. I know
that my fans were wishing for certain songs on the CD. I apologize
sincerely to every single one of them. Even the girl who tried to pants
me at the meet and greet in Detroit. I don't forgive her, though,
because to forgive is divine, and I'm just Clayton. Mostly, though, I
apologize to Mr. Sedaka, a.k.a. Obi Wan (that PRoC is so silly!). I
really did pick that battle, but they said no, again. I couldn't even
get an explanation, but I did glimpse a memo about market research
showing that including Deep!Voice!Clay (whatever that means) on the CD
would reduce millions of women to liquid. I don't get it. Anyway, sorry
about Solitaire, To Love Somebody, Something in the Way She Moves, and
Back that A** Up (the latter was omitted for obvious reasons, namely
that it takes too long to pronounce the asterisks.) Oh, and I can't
forget Bridge Over Troubled Water. Although, secretly, I'm glad about
that; it gives Simon one less rationale if I happen to sell a few CDs.
Yes, I know I sold a whole lot of CDs. But I'm just waiting to make
sure they aren't all returned in week three.
Okay, now to the songs that did make the cut.
Invisible. Sometimes I sing this song in my sleep. I've sung it more
than any other song, ever. So I really don't feel like analyzing it.
Let me reiterate, however, that I don't recommend people watching other
people in their room. Room, singular. That's right, grammar police, I
meant to say that! I make all my grammatical errors on purpose.
Speaking of grammatical errors, I just want to point out that Invisible
isn't the first song to mess up the conditional tense. Caldwell covered
Killing Me Softly, and I distinctly remember her singing, "And then he
looked right through me as if I wasn't there." Hey, Caldwell's singing
about being invisible! HA!!! And also, I wish.
Ahem.
I Will Carry You. I will. Really. Although I would like to point out
that the "you" in question cannot, under any circumstances, be
construed to mean "Ruben." And I would also like to point out that the
word "carry" cannot, under any circumstances, be construed to mean
"do."
The Way. This song is my favorite. When I sing "the way your lips
invite," it is true that I'm referring to kissing. Kissing is allowed.
Just to clarify, however, I am not addressing each and every fan. So
please stop trying to kiss me. One of my fans wrote to tell me it's not
sanitary, something about critters. I'm actually fine with critters, as
long as they're not cats. If that thoughtful fan is reading this
review, can you do something about the cats? Yes, all of them. No, I'm
not asking you to put them in the autoclave. That would stink. Just
send them all to Europe or something. But not Holland. In case I might
want to visit there, you know, for some reason.
WYSYLM. That's way too many words to type out. It's almost too many
words to cram into the song. Of course, it's easy compared to I
Survived You. But I'm getting ahead of myself. This is a song for my
fans. When you say you love me, do you mean it? Will you abandon me
after AI3, like Kelly's fans say you will? And why do you giggle when I
sing "baby when you hold me, do you feel it?" Wait, why? Ewwwwwwwwww!
That's not what I meant!!! And also, shame on you! You wouldn't talk
like that in front of your husbands! You would? Oh. Mah. Goodness.
No More Sad Song. RCA can't afford to hire copy editors, apparently.
This song is one of three or four that have been mentioned by various
reviewers as the only good song on the CD. Or the only non-completely
sucky song on the CD. It has been compared to Elton John, which is a
huge honor. And to Robbie Williams, which is, clearly, some kind of
sick joke. Although I am strangely moved by Feel. Wait, that's not what
I meant!!!
Run To Me. That's not what I meant!!!
Shine. No, I am not singing to an actual butterfly. It's an expression.
No, it's not code. No, I'm not singing to Kim. No, she's just my
roommate. No, really. Speaking of Kim, she has acquired her own stalker
since we moved to L.A. The woman is always carrying a latte; her purse
spills blinkies out in her wake. Not a great stalker, that one. Anyway,
Shine is a lovely song. So symbolic. Shadows, sinners, mirrors, and
rain. All symbols. I mean, how could someone actually hide away every
drop of rain? That's impossible. And butterflies don't get weary. They
get more than three hours of sleep a night, I'm sure.
I Survived You. Simon joked that this song is about us. I thought he
meant that I survived him, but Ruben says he meant it the other way
around. Ruben then threatened to sit on Simon, but that would be wrong.
And also funny. But still wrong. Remember how I said this song has too
many words? I just stole that from the PRoC. I read it on their board.
That isn't all I read on their board, but it's the only thing I can
repeat. Seriously, y'all stop that right now!!! Anyway, there's that
mirror again. There are a lot of running themes on MOAM. And not one of
them is S-E-X. I swear. Well, I don't swear, but you get the idea. Yes,
I did sing "I'll be damned." Alright, so I do swear on occasion. Hey,
Diane even got me to admit that I might have said the "F" word before.
Fooey. Oops, I did it again!
This Is The Night. A certain gentleman, whom I will refrain from
identifying except to say that he once took Jesus' name in vain by
requesting that Jesus turn around and show the man his rear end, thinks
this is the best song on the CD. I myself (see, I do know how to use
" myself" correctly!) have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I love it
because, while it could be about S-E-X, it is clearly a wedding-nighty
type of song, and therefore does not in any way condone, suggest,
recommend or advocate casually doing the nasty. However, it reminds me
of American Idol, which I lost, in case you hadn't heard. And while I
am not at all disappointed, I really, really wish people would stop
bringing it up. Because it's making Ruben feel bad, and I hate it when
my friends feel bad. So from now on, I prefer to think of This Is The
Night as my Miss America Pageant song. Also, we shelved the video for
this song because it was a complete debacle. Although whenever I said
that, Matt Rolston would just mutter, "I wish." That confused me.
Perfect Day. I was "fading." Or "Freddy." Or "fretting." Or "fretted,"
like a guitar. Really, just pick whichever one you prefer. I honestly
can't remember what the lyric is, because I was sleeping when we
recorded this song. This is another one that some of the critics like;
they think it's a song worthy of Justin Timberlake. I don't think
Justin would like it, though, because it doesn't have the words "body"
or "rock" or "thighs." Oh wait, wrong Justin. Instead, this song
includes words like "rain" and "shine" and "sun" and "sky," which is
why it reminds me of the time I reported the weather in Raleigh.
Measure of a Man. I do like the title, but we've already covered that.
Otherwise, I have no idea what this song means, either. It's obviously
not about me. I have no woman at my side. Women just aren't attracted
to me that way. Those fans are just trying to embarrass me with the
panties and the screaming and the kissing.
Touch. That's not me singing. I don't know who they got to do it, but
I'll admit he sounds a lot like me. Still, it can't be me, because
there is no way I would sing lines such as, "I've imagined the feel of
your body and how it will be when we move." That sounds more like a
Justin song. Either one. Maybe RCA got one of them to sing this. Then
again, there aren't enough effects in the world to make them sound like
men--, I mean, like me. It really does sound like me. Maybe we recorded
this one while I was asleep, too. If this is me, then I just want to
clarify that the word "tenderness," as in "all I want is your
tenderness here in my life," is not a euphemism for any part of the
female body. Did I just say "body"? I have been lurking on the PRoC
board way too much.
Thanks for reading. And laughing, Clive!!! And if anyone else does read
this, please don't return the CD. I need to record at least one more,
so I can bring up my review grade average. HA! I said "bring up"!!!
Ding-dang it, that PRoC is a bad influence. I need to lie down now.
**Credit to Cindy :)**
Credits
