Contents:
Weirdness and sugar: *****
Inside jokes and "you had to be there"'s: *****
Alternate universe: ***
Reality: *** (now THAT'S scary)
Characters: (in case you're reading this WITHOUT any prior knowledge of the aforementioned... that's rather brave of you...)
Adam C--------* (NAME WITHHELD FOR PRIVACY REASONS) was a resident heartthrob among the teeny-bopper crowd in junior high school. Poor guy...
Dorothy- you know already. It's me.
Jennifer- Dot's friend and good friend of famous Adam. They were simply good friends and that's all but she DID have an obsession with his hair at one point.
Erin- our friend.
Sharon, Keisha, Destiny, April, Ashley- the Evil Teeny-boppers.
Big, stupid, jealous guys- you know them. It takes all their brainpower not to spit inside the school.
Teachers:
Ms. Kerr- a young teacher and our grade 9 math teacher. I'm sooo sorry madam...
Mr. Briand- the phenomenally eccentric french teacher. I could go on about him for days. But you figure him out yourself.
Mr. Cadue- the tyrannic vice-principal.
Onward, ye who are brave
“Complete the star.” The five hooded characters shifted onto the five points of a star, drawn with scented glitter.
“Hear us now, oh mighty horned one,
One girl hesitated. Her lip trembled and she pulled her hand out of their grasp. But then she took one look at the photograph in the middle and quickly joined them again with a sigh.
“Hear us now, the Wicca cult,
They blew out their candles.
Adam walked in, late as usual. He rushed past the library, down the hall, and instantly noticed something was wrong.
Adam was headed towards the exit when he ran into a wall of guys. They wore angry scowls, glared and spat at him. He recognized some as jealous jerks who shoved him around whenever their girlfriends blurted that they liked him, but some were ones he’d never seen in his life.
It was the weirdest thing. On this kind of day, feeling romantic and girly, Dorothy would be prone to doodling pretty anime characters with wings and shoujo bubbles. Her object of affection would lean towards angelic Quatre Winner, if she was feeling eccentric, handsome Weiss Kreuz characters, or just any anime bishounen in general. But today she felt nothing like that. All her angels turned out with T-shirts and spiky hair, kind of like Jennifer’s friend...
“Hades meet Aphrodite,
Something clicked. The noise around Adam stopped. He looked up, warily, saw the broken window, saw the door busted off its hinges. He waited for girls to swarm him, but they all looked confused. One girl took her foot off the windowsill, in which she just in the process of climbing in the room. No word was spoken, no questions were asked. The entire crowd dispersed silently, and everyone went home. It was 11:00 am.
“Give me back my glasses!”
Dorothy went home, had a sandwich and went back to drawing proper bishounen.
Somewhere, a writer snickered.
The slim girl brushed back her long blond hair and bent to give each of them a candle, and lit them. She then set a small altar in the center of the star: flowers, incense, several ticket stubs and a photograph.
The five characters faced each other, bent their heads, applied lipstick, and joined hands.
As we cast our sacred spell.
Rise to grant our fearful bidding,
Rise from the very depths of hell!”
The girls lifted their candles high, letting the smoke intertwine above the altar.
With the powers of greed and lust,
Cast this spell on Adam C...,
Make him loved by no one but US!”
The lights went on, revealing Sharon’s bedroom, the walls covered with N’Sync posters. Keisha ran a Dustbuster over the rug, sucking up the glitter and five giggling girls flopped on the bed and picked up magazines.
“That was SOOO fun!”
“Yeah, I love the new age articles YM prints up!”
“Groovy!”
“D’you think it worked?”
“I feel more popular already!”
They giggled.
Usually one or two girls would be waiting by his locker, if they felt like it. But he was so late, he thought they wouldn’t bother, and it wasn’t before a big dance or the weekend.
But the girls that usually waited- all five of them were there.
Among with others. Every single girl in his class. And the girls of the classes nearest to his locker. In fact…
Wasn’t it every girl in the school?
“What’s going on- a meeting?” He thought. They seemed to be arguing loudly about something. He went closer to try and eavesdrop.
One female head snapped around so quickly that it startled him. Her eyes went wide and her big red mouth opened.
“THERE HE IS!!!”
What happened next, he would never be sure, but there was a sudden flurry of activity, and he was suddenly being bodysurfed violently by a wave of endlessly screeching females.
His shoe came off. He lost his backpack. All that he could register in his mind was: “I hope my hair isn’t messed up.”
“I got his shoe!” A voice announced happily.
“I touched his hair!!”
“I’VE GOT HIS HOMEWORK!!!”
“I’ve got a piece of his shirt!!!!” Several girls who were out of reach of him flocked to envy this lucky female. Adam looked down and indeed, a piece of his shirt was gone.
“Alright! Break it up!!” It took every teacher in the school to disperse the crowd. Adam was hoisted off the frenzied mob by Mr. Cadue, who gave him a look one would reserve for a dissected worm.
“What’s going on here, son?” The vice-principal demanded. Adam noticed the girls were still reaching after him and shrieking as if he were some kind of rock star. It must have looked like he was the cause of this rave. But he wasn’t. Was he...?
“Get to class, son.” Mr. Cadue ordered. Adam nodded quickly, smoothed his hair and staggered the hell out of there.
He took off his other shoe- no use for it now, put on his gym sneakers and changed into his gym shirt.
Approximately 40 girls who had possession of various pieces of Adam’s property were immediately summoned to the office, and the items (or what was left of them) were recovered, sometimes forcefully. The remnants were returned to him, but strangely, his sneaker wasn’t. Mrs. Bona, the secretary, poked something further underneath her desk.
The minute he entered Mrs. Elmswood’s classroom, he could feel dozens of eyes on him. Even though he was nearly half and hour late, Mrs. Elmswood did not yell. He sat down, becoming more and more apprehensive.
Every girl was staring at him, almost predatory-like, with such huge smiles he wondered if his pants were on backwards. The guys were staring too, but more like glaring. In the same predatory way.
By 2nd period, he was officially spooked out. He wondered if he should go home sick, and decided he would.
On the way to his locker, though, he was met with another wave of wide-eyed girls, who began pursuit the instant they saw him. With all the reflexes of an animal who knows its life is in danger, he bolted in the opposite direction. Their screaming was one continuous high-pitched frequency. He ran up the stairs, taking three at a time, and wrenched the knob on the first classroom around the corner. It was locked. The floor began to vibrate with the pursuers stampeding closer and closer. He pounded on the door.
“HE-E-E-LLP!!!” Suddenly, the door swung open and he fell inside just as the female herd thundered past.
He sighed with relief and glanced upwards, to stare straight into the face of a young teacher.
“Um… ah… you’re Ms…” He looked at the nameplate on her desk. “…Kerr.”
“I don’t care what the school policy says…” she said in a thick voice, and lunged.
Adam let out a high-pitched girl scream. He dashed out into the hall, ricocheted off the lockers and flung himself down the stairs. He glanced around wildly, then darted into the janitor’s storage closet.
He put his ear up to door and listened intently, sighed, then turned around. The lights suddenly came on. He jumped to be face to face with Christina, in a black trenchcoat.
“That’s different…” he thought, but she suddenly shrugged it off revealing a pink lace teddy edged with silver frou-frou.
Usually he might have been shocked or even amused by seeing her in something this ridiculous but right now all he could feel was scared.
“Don’t you like me, Adam?” She chanted. Suddenly, April, Sharon, Keisha and Ashley appeared behind her.
“What about me?”
“How about me?!” He gave them a bewildered look, backed away and dashed out the door.
April pouted. “I don’t understand!!” She whined. “We cast the spell!”
Ashley whipped out her February YM issue. “Well, let’s see.”
“Ugh… all that small printing!” They pored over the article.
“Umm… let’s see…draw a star… light some candles… preferably mulberry scented ‘cuz that’s the new style…”
“Get on with it!” Keisha grabbed the magazine and read, “Get 4 of your best buds and sit at each point of the star facing outwards…”
“Outwards?” The girls glanced at each other in shock.
“We did it backwards!”
“What happens when we do that?” The girls pondered for an extended amount of time.
“I know! The spell would be reversed!”
“That’s why everyone else started liking him!” (they’re kinda slow…)
They gawked at each other and squealed. “COMPETITION!!!”
“We gotta reverse it now!!!”
A burly guy swaggered up and snarled, “My Carly all of a sudden says she likes you better than me.” He paused to run over to the water fountain and spit. “You gonna pay for that. Get him!”
Adam found himself running again, up and down through the floors until all the guys gave up and went outside to smoke.
He staggered into the library, panting, then saw Jennifer sitting at one of the computers.
“Jenn! Thank goodness…” He croaked. “You won’t believe what has been happening to me…” He suddenly saw Jennifer’s computer screen. She had been composing a message to him. It read:
“Dear Adam…
I don’t know how to say this but I LOVE YOU!!! I’ve always loved you (like is too weak a word) you’re my light and sunshine, my god and universe. Your hair, your eyes, your laugh, your hair, your hair…”
It went on. He nearly vomited.
Jennifer sprang from her chair. “I was just going to write you, because I knew the words wouldn’t come any other way! Look at all the revisions this letter went through!” She started pulling masses of paper out of her binder.
Adam heard a shriek behind him and turned to see Erin. She held a huge bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolate (the fudge ones all eaten) but pointed an accusing finger at Jenn.
“You! I always knew you were after him!!!”
“He’s always liked me better than you and you know it!!!”
“I’ll show you!!!” With a warcry, they were rolling on the floor, engaged in the most massive catfight the world had ever seen. Adam backed away and bolted for a third time down the hall, but with a second thought, went back for the chocolate.
“Adam!!!” Dorothy saw the boy dash down the hall and went after him, a new feeling giving her adrenaline. It was like she had completely no control over her body and she was just riding inside this new image of her, watching everything out of its eyes. Words came with reckless abandon.
“Please, will you dye your hair blond and pose with a violin for me!!!”
Adam finally dashed into Mr. Briand’s room, slammed the door, and peered out from the window. He yelled with alarm as the female herd found him and began pounding at the door. He pushed desks in front of all the doors and heard hammering on all sides of the room. Girls were outside along with enraged guys, smashed up against the window and shrieking. A stone was thrown and the window broke. They were coming in.
Strengthen the weak and smite the mighty!”
“I can’t do it!” Ashley wept. Sharon patted her shoulder.
“Do it for him.” Blubbering, Ashley pulled out her February issue of YM. She held it over the bonfire in the center of the star, and took a deep breath.
“Cleansing flames, I sacrifice my spell unto thee!” She dropped the magazine into the flames and it spewed a mighty blue fireball. A heavy scent filled the room.
“Perfume samples.” Destiny muttered.
Ashley wailed. “It was such a good fashion issue…”
Meanwhile, Mr. Briand still sat at his desk correcting Tribune Librrres, unaware of the smashed windows or wreckage. But there was no spell on him. That’s Mr. Briand.
“Not until you give me back mine!!!” Jennifer sat up, wearing Erin’s glasses, and peered around, wondering what had happened. School was apparently ended for the day. She and Erin both saw the leftover candy at the other side of the room.
“Race ya…”
The five girls are still obnoxious and practicing voodoo to this day.
Adam had extensive physical and mental therapy for a month.
And whenever Dave asks him about how to get popular with girls, Adam just screams.