The sick twisted spasm racing through my heart.
The uncontrollable pounding that slams menacingly with ones
desires, tied up with ones capacity to think and act alone.
To be constantly reminded of ones deficiencies by his very own
actions.
Hating and despising the creature that he has become.
Wallowing in self pity, further fulfilling his dark and dreary dreams.
Faced with the unnecessary displacement of energies,
waiting and hoping that his desires will bring him some gain.
Knowing full well that life can't live in the body and mind of
one who doesn't venture forth.
Fearful of what may lay before me.
I lay in despair waiting for someone to save me,
even though it is I who is the only one capable of saving this soul.

--0--
The television was on, yet I paid no attention to the
sights and sounds that bombarded my senses.
My mind distracted - I thought only of
ending time.
To challenge my will, to let my blood spill.
To severe all my chances of fulfilling this life.
I have things to do, and the time to spare,
yet I cannot bring myself to accomplish these things.
The depression I feel has almost gained control,
subjecting me to a time of null activity.
With a deadened appeal to life,
I see no use in going on.
For surely the time will come when I can say
farewell.
--0--
Inappropriate thoughts,
the unconscious link to my mind.
Providing a glimpse into some altered time.
Teasing and tantalising, even corrupting an open mind.
Offering substantial pathways, but with little reward.
Inappropriate thoughts,
a pathway to the divine.
An avenue of escape, the last great adventure,
it could all be mine.
--0--
Danger
Erratic
Painful
Ridiculous
Error
Stressed
Suicidal
Endangered
Dead

 --0--
Seriously
Undermined
Intellectual
Craving
Insecure
Dreaming
All
Lost

 --0--

Am I a prisoner of my mind?
Trapped in a dungeon cell deep inside.
Starring blankly at the barred doors before me,
watching the world pass ignoring me.
Un-association and disapproval form others on the
things I desire.
Ever forcing me to stay deep inside.
Waiting and waiting for a time, a place, a moment to
go outside.
To be myself, accepted and acknowledged by those who
live outside.
--0--
Pleasure and pain, aren't they really the same thing?
A mass of sensory recognition going to the brain.
Allowing us to determine the foundation of this
ecstatic rush.
Wanting more, or may be less, in an effort to
expand or control the sensation.
For pleasure and pain, it's everybody's game.
The need for a release, or an instant gain.
To me it's all the same.

--0--
Temptation, it's always there.
But how eager are we to fulfil our desires?
To complete the deed… our very own sacrificial lamb.
What would be the consequences of our master plan,
victory and gain, of defeat and pain?
Any such idea is almost beyond thought provoking ecstasy.
When shall we begin, and could this be our only original sin?
Temptation, it speaks for itself, don't just give it a second glance.

--0--
The television is on
Broadcasting its message to all who sit in awe
Consuming the messages of false hope and despair,
and fantasizing us with dreams of wonder and fulfilment
Becoming pawns in a minorities plans
with dulled senses and dulled expressions the latest craze for all

--0--
There's a hole in your head.
Your laying in a pool of red.
Yet you're still not dead.
You gave yourself a lobotomy instead!

--0--
The sorrow of a forbidden love
Where we shared all that was us
With pleasures that would excite and entice,
of secrets and desires that told our lives.
We knew it wouldn't last
But oh how we made it so.
For over a year you were my only love,
a friend to hold dear.
And now it has come to an end
Friends we'll be but lovers no more.
You seem so distant now as we talk,
as though we were two people who had only just met
Though I'm so happy for you, and what you will soon become,
and for the life and love for the one who you gave your consent
I’ll give you no trouble and you may soon forget that I hold you dear
As you renew your life and love for the one you share
I told you ‘you were by best friend’
Hiding the emotions that I held within
Knowing too well that you would not comprehend
Reducing our love till this the end
I could have told you, but where would I begin
You often said that you didn't know where you stood,
as I never really let you in, and now I'm sorry.
I feel so foolish and guilty as well for wanting you
So I guess all what's left are memories and thoughts of more
To idle chit-chat and nothing more,
as you begin to close the door
Friends we'll be but lovers no more
The transition is here, but you've done it before
I'm sorry for what I say, so there wont be much more
I guess I'm naive about how I look back on us,
knowing all too well that it was a forbidden love
Friends we'll be but lovers no more
You'll always be near my heart, as I may be in yours
So to the future I send you luck and love,
and a friendship that will always be yours
This is to you my lovey
From a friend who is yours
Though there will still be love
I’ll entice you no more.

--0--
Another restless night,
another night of idle wonder!
Another week gone by.
This year is nearly at an end.
So many things are on my mind,
of love and friendships and what my future does hide.
A thought just entered my head,
which if fulfilled will only bring dread.
But it seems so promising when I begin to feel this way.
I tried to ring my lover - but there was no reply.
Oh I should let it be, for she lives with another.
And what will the dawn bring?
Another day of stupid wonder!
In a family circle that I wish was wrong.
And to ask for a different life would work any wonders.
A few weeks to wait, and I’ll know where and if I'm heading anywhere.
Work isn't uplifting, and who really cares.
I wish to leave this life of mine,
to try something different, to try something new.
To have a perfect family instead of the one I had to go through.
To be in a caring relationship would only help to see me through.
I really dread the coming morning, and the life I must go through.
I have so much love to offer, and of feelings that I must hide.
I get so bored, so tired of it all.
I feel like I'm in a hole that is too deep,
and no one hears my call.

--0--
I was tired - far too tired,
and scared - so very scared.
How could such an event happen?
The energy, the power, the destruction!
All had gathered in quiet contemplation of the events
that were shaping this world as we see it.
But no one knew what would happen next.
Even now I try in vain to suppress the images from my mind.
To quash the sounds that trumpet in my ears.
But all to no avail.
I shudder here in the darkness,
wanting only to sleep and to forget.
My eyes are closed, but I still see.
How can I sleep when they invade me here,
with their cries echoing in my ears?
There is but one solution to rid these forms from my mind.
Alas though I don't have the strength to end it now.
I'm so tired and so very scared.

--0--
(to lovey)
They laid entwined in each others arms, feeling the warmth,
and experiencing the passion that they kindled with each passing night.
It was a love of understanding.
Filled with the hopes and dreams of time spent together.
Experiencing all that they had to offer was more than they could ever want.
Their love was for real - they did not hide.
They embraced it before the entire world,
and all did agree that theirs would last forever.

--0--
I lay here in bed,
unable to surrender to the need for sleep.
What do I try to contemplate?
I lay still thinking about what's been, what may be.
Unable to shrug these forms of despair.
Watching the time slowly flick by.
With this life so slow I wonder why?
But I know it is not for long.
The wink of an eye, or the burning of a candle,
the time will come.
I need a release,
a place to escape.
I try the glade,
but not tonight.
My mind is racing,
to stop now would be folly.
And still my candle burns shorter and shorter,
for soon the light will die.
--0--
My candle flickered in the room where I sat in contemplation.
Casting strange and mysterious images across my visage.
The candle is nearly gone, its smoke has scented the room.
Clouding my mind with its acrid smell.
Filling my head with thoughts and desires I never thought possible.
The draft builds, the candle dies.
I am cast in darkness, but I still see light.
The thought forms go hazy….
I try to keep hold of these, but they slip from my grasp.
I sigh in resignation, as I come crashing back to reality.
What a kick in the head, can't wait till I can go back again.
--0--
Emotional turmoil, low self esteem
The apparent loss and betrayal of a truly good friend
Of thoughts and desires never realized - kept inside,
for they're now mine to keep
A willingness to share, a need that leads to despair
A need, a want, a desire to share
Anyone, someone, but would they care
The sounds of desperation echoing in the shadows of my mind
Plummeting deeper in the vortex of time,
restricting the future and the joys of life
A stupid quest, but one that can't rest till closure is mine
--0--
Another Sunday just gone past.
Another day of null activity.
Staying at home in what would seem to be a stagnant atmosphere.
Everyone else seems O.K.
But this would happen every Sunday.
What could be the cause of such anxiety?
Why do I always feel so down?
Not caring for what I may say or think to do.
Is it out of boredom?
I know I crave more in life than what is happening now.
--0--
HELLO.
I cry out into the apparent darkness,
listening to my cries echo back to me.
Offering no solace.
And still, like the waves on the ocean,
I repeat my cry,
HELLO.
But people do hear my cry,
yet are unable to act.
They themselves call out,
but we ourselves pay no heed.
It is dark in this abyss of the mind.
As we search endlessly for a light.
And we cry out when given the slightest form of hope,
HELLO.
For one day our call will be answered with another
HELLO.
--0--
They call you emotionally disturbed,
a problem to all.
And yet you did no harm.
Laugh at these people.
Why get mad, wanting and waiting for the moment to lash out?
Oh sure its entertaining!
But is it helping your course,
or is it adding to their curse?
So laugh at their folly,
as all things come to those who wait.
--0--
Lies and deceit,
the world is full of such things.
Why do we hurt each other?
What does it achieve?
The innocent are always damaged -
the guilty exonerated.
Can the damage be healed,
or will it live on forever?
For peace of mind,
Oh do make it go away.