yankinvasion

dougzone

U.S. warns of holiday terrorist attacks

Washington, D.C. – The U.S. government issued a new alert yesterday that Americans travelling overseas could be targeted for terrorist attacks over the next few weeks, including during the millennium celebrations on New Year’s Eve. The warning, called a “worldwide caution”, more sweeping in tone than previous ones put out by the State Department, was issued after U.S. intelligence (considered an oxymoron in other parts of the world) detected specific evidence that the terrorists were planning action against Americans soon, according to a U.S. official.

“Well I’ll be damned and dipped in maple syrup,” laughed Doug “Beaver” Cleaver, of the Canadian Consulate in Washington. “Many of my countrymen have saved and scraped together money from beer bottle empties to afford to leave our desolate land and these Yanks have screwed it up, again.”

The Government of Canada is prepared to warn its citizens of the impending onslaught of American tourists. The yet-to-be-released document contains the following warnings:

1. Citizens living in border towns (Windsor, ON, Fort Erie, ON, Osoyoos BC, Grand Falls, NB, Cartwright, MB, Climax, SK, etc.) must prepare themselves for the answering of questions such as,

· “PARLAY YOUSE, AMERICAN?”
· “CAN Y’ALL TELL ME WHERE I CAN GIT ME SOME OIL FOR MY UZI?”
· “THAT THERE IS AN RV, CANUCK. I’LL PAYS YA 50 AMERICAN CENTS TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT FOR ME, OK, BOY?”
· “WHERE CAN I GETS ME SOME OF THAT MOONSHINE, YOUSE CALL BEER?”

2. Ear protection should be worn in all restaurants. When those Yankees eat, they get awfully loud.

3. Americans don’t know the difference between Canadian Tire money and our official currency, so have some fun while this intolerance prevails.

4. To all hotel-operators, we know there are better beverages to serve but keep your shelves well stocked with Budweiser.

5. To every police officer in the land, strap on an extra book of tickets. You will be going through them like shit through a loon!!

The American Tourist Invasion (ATI) is not restricted to Canada.

“Bloody ‘ell!” yelped Peter Moore, Duchess of Nottinghamshire and Lands Northward including the curtains, “Seems we just got clear of the Yanks after Desert Storm. We’ll be forced back into the Castle's tunnels, especially the young lads and lasses. Must dust off our finest Nottinghamese to confuse the bastards. I trust the barbarians to the north have distilled enough Single Malt to keep the Budweiser-swillers comatose through to the New Year. Ah, there’s a plan! Excuse me, I must phone the Home Office.”

They'll wear and drink anything. Drive and drink anywhere.

Even their dogs can be assholes.

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