10/11/2k
I want to leave her. I want to throw all my stuff in my car when I get home and start that long fucking drive back to WA. I want to tell her off. I want to scream in her face. I want to make her feel like shit. I want to cut her down and make her realize what a horrible fucking person she is. I want to fuck her one last time, and laugh when I'm done. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to see her. I don't wanna hear her voice ever again. I want to be comfortable enough to just go without seeing or talking to her and never look back. I want to be comfortable enough to say "You fucked up, that's it. No talking. No excuses. Bye. Don't ever call me again." but I'm probably just pissed right now. I want to force her to realize what she's losing. I want her to see what I mean to her so she stops ignoring it and treating me like shit just because of her stupid little high-school issues. I want her to grow up. I want her to LISTEN almost more so than anything. I want her to appreciate me. I want to know what fucking good it would do either way because I'm leaving soon and she's not gunna be there. I want to know for sure if she's coming up. I want to silence that voice of reason in my head saying "You know thats all talk Jay, don't expect to ever see her again." I want to take my heart out for a while so I don't have to feel the pain this is going to bring. I want to see Darren. I want to see my mom. I want her to shut up and just do what I say, it would make things so much easier. I want her to realize a million things, but most of all that I love her. I want to force her to not ever be able to get angry again. I want to take apart her brain and reprogram it. I want to slap some sense into her. I want to tell her how much I hate her for everything she's done. I want to understand her. I want to tell her how much I love her for everything she's done. I want to know that I'm not just holding on because I'm afraid of letting go when I know I should. I want to hit a nerve in her that makes her stop all this stupid bullshit. But then again, what good would any of it do at this point?
We don't always get what we want.
