10/10/2k
So I'm coming closer to going home. Feels like everything's crashing to a halt. I'm training the new lady for my job. I put it my 2 weeks notice. I got a measly 400 bucks saved up, (well more this weekend) and I'm preparing myself for the drive. Erin's *Supposed* to come with me. Would be nice. I talked to Darren on the phone last night and I really started thinking. I don't know if I want to be back home. I'm so afraid of taking steps backwards now that I've come this far. It's like I know going back to Olympia would be a mistake. I'd never make this kinda money. I know I need to get in school. I know I wanna be close to seattle so that I can still work for the kinda scratch I make now. I can't live off burger king paychecks while some old fat asshole yells at me just because he's upset that all he accomplished in life was a position as manager of some fast food hole. And I sure as hell don't want to end up that guy. Darren lost his jobs again. I fucking care about that kid too much. He's my best friend, and it sucks to see him going through this. He's at the same position I was at a year ago before I took a chance on something. He's reluctant about being close to the city, even though I explained to him it's the only way to be close to good paying jobs. I guess thats the least of my worries though.. I mean who says we're even gunna get a place. Anyway, Darren's like the best friend I have back home, but I can't help but to think that he needs to take some kind of gigantic leap forward here because we're not getting younger and things are only getting harder. I wanna push him.. I wanna get him a resume and some good job that he can hold on to.. I want him to be able to buy himself nice clothes and not have to worry if his car breaks down will he be able to fix it? I was just thinking the other night about where I stand. About how I feel awkward walking into groups of people that were at one time people I associated briefly with. I feel like they're peering at me thinking "What the hell is this little bastard doing here?" or "he doesnt belong" but then again when I think about it I've always gotten that feeling, it's just on the other end now. Which leads me to the thought, what if thats how im going to feel back home. I dress completely different now. I know thats stupid 90210, and really unimportant, but then again I know the people I chose to associate with seem to place some kind of importance on the issue. Why? They're the dirty kids that wear the same old clothes day in and day out and bitch about how jocks fuck with them for it, yet whenever I dressed nice they gave me shit about it. I guess its a double-edged sword of sorts. Pussy Pressure. Oh well, I make no apologies for who I am or the choices I make. Or do I? How is it going to feel knowing I've basically been alienated except for my one best friend who looks the exact opposite of me? Why is this bothering me? I feel so fucking 90210 it's sad.. I guess being here made me realize I have something to strive for. Something a little more meaningful than just pissing everyone off. I guess Erin understands theway I look because she's known me this time. Everyone back home is just going to flip. It's so lame the kind of things that happen based on stupid issues like this. Is it just that maybe I'm accomplishing something while they're sitting around bitching about how much everything sucks? Am I an asshole for saying that? I don't really care too much, except for Darren. He means a lot to me and I want him to see that he can accomplish things. I don't want him to be one of those people that gets stuck in a meaningless life of bitching about how things can't work right for him. I don't wanna see him in his fucking ripped up dirty black hoody held together with safety pins. and I don't want to let go of him either. Lately I've just been wondering what's going on between us though. I dont see why anything that's happened should change our friendship, but all in all.. has it? Have I become something that he can't accept? Or have I become a role-model? I know I need more friends. Different kinds of people than the ones I used to hang out with. Not because they're dicks, I know they're good people, but simply because it feels weird to me. Just the thought of having them look at me like that. The thought that there's going to be plenty of jokes cracked at my expense simply because I dress nicely. "You preppy!" etc. Maybe I need friends that ARE "preppy" to balance it out. I admit I do feel very odd going out in public with this crew of punkers and metalheads that look dirty and being the only clean preppy looking one. I hate that fucking term. I hate the fact that it matters. I hate how it's in my brain because I remember when I was 14 and hung up on all this anti-conformist shit and how I bitched and moaned that everyone alienated me cause I had green hair or wore all black. Now here I am, changed for the better, and wondering if I'm wrong for doing exactly what those people did. Maybe they were right in doing so. Maybe I'm on the right track here and just need to associate myself with stronger, more successful people. Maybe I've just become that judgemental prick that I hated so long ago. I guess change is a funny thing.
