So I was walking along one day, smokin a fag, and I came by this fitness shop. I stopped for a second and looked through the glass doors to see people jogging and drinking their naya inside. Most of them were wearing spandex and sweatpants and other such fashion no-nos. Lots of them also had headbands and such, and a good portion of them were large women. I giggled a little, puffing along on my fag, standing in the doorway being FAT, when a large buff man with a crew cut and handlebar moustache approached me. His white nike shirt was drenched in sweat and he had an angry bulge forming in his sweatpants. I could tell he had luv on his mind. My gartner snake retracted in fear. "You got a problem kid?" He bellowed at me in a deep surly voice. His unibrow frumpled as he spoke, "Not really sir," I replied.. trying to not let on that I might be just the littlest bit afraid that this big sweaty crew-cutted freak might punch me upside the head and take advantage of my waiting hole. Who knew what this sweatpanted villain had in store for my precious yet filthy luv clam? "Who the hell do you think you are?" He said in a smarmy tone, coming close to my personal bubble and heaving his shaven chest. "What? I can't smoke and watch you guys run in place?" I asked. "you're fat." The man replied, and I knew he didnt mean phat, no that would be ridiculous, he meant I was a lard ass. I giggled, and noticed his hand on my thigh. "What in the fat fizzuck are you doing you filthy old crew cutted MADMAN!?" I screamed.. catching the attention of the morbidly obese women jogging and treadmilling in the background. I jumped back and zipped up my pants. The man growled at me and ripped off his sweaty nike shirt and bared his bussom. I cried and put my cigarette out on his nipple in a loving fit of passion. Our tongues met for a second, and his hands made their way down my black leather vest. I felt my handlebar moustache tingling with Joy. I slapped his hands away and muttered, "You dirty faggot" and walked on. I turned to see tears forming in the man's eyes as I walked away, so I grabbed his hand and said "Come with me.." His face lit up with Joy. Joy said she'd come along too. We all held hands and skipped merrily into the sunset, rainbow and all. Along our journey through the ghettos of san jose, we came across a large tin truck stopped by a small bussiness. They appeared to be selling food out of it! What a genuinely clever idea! I felt Gerardo (my friend from the fitness club)'s pubes gently caressing my hand. I said "Stop it." We walked along, all 4 of us (we acquired a 5' mexican named fillipe along our travels through the ghettos of northern california) and approached the food truck. The lady inside appeared to speak no english and had a large, full moustache that personally made me a little jealous. I believe fillipe was a little envious as well. Fortunately for us fillipe spoke perfect spanish as well as english as well as british slang that he picked up from a homosexual partner that liked to call himself "Daddy Vigilante" when he visited england for his middle school field trip. fillipe was rich. "Ey esse! thas a taco wagon holmez!" fillipe said with a hint of excitement coming from under his pathetic failed attempt at a hitler-like stache. I gingerly brushed my cheek against his pubes with Joy. "Stop that shit esse" he snapped! The lady in the "taco wagon" seemed to appear angry at the fact that we were standing in front of her 'bussiness' being homosexual in broad daylight and scaring away customers. She screamed various obscenities at us in spanish, all of which I only picked up "tus pelatos tienen el oler de huevos podridos!" Which was the only phrase I ever learned from high school spanish. I started singing loud reggae as I do so well, with that nonsensical jibberish mumbling all fast and deep-toned. I'm a pro. All of a *holy shit that chicks skirt is short as fuck!!!* sudden a small 80's boombox appeared and bumped a phatty boom blizzunt beat that I jibbered more reggae to while Gerardo gingerly sucked me off, his head moving to the beat of the riddum. MOVE IT TO DA BEAT OF DA RIDDUM! The lady in the truck screamed with Joy and stepped out to chase us around the BIG K parking lot with a broom while she screamed "YOU KNOW I THUG EM HUG EM FUCK EM LEAVE EM CUZ I DONT FUCKIN NEED EM TAKE EM OUT THE HOOD KEEP EM LOOKIN GOOD BUT I DONT FUCKIN FEED EM" and other such big pimpin lyrics such as "BIG SOUTHERN RAP PIMP PRESARIO COMIN STRAIGHT UP OUT DA BLACK BARRIO MAKES A MIL UP OFF A SORRY HO AND SEE IF THAT COULD BE MAH SCENArRryo" and "SMOKIN IDEE THROWIN UP KEEP IT LEEED UP IN MAH CUP IN MAH HOOD WE CALL IT BUCK YO MAH NIGGA MAH HOODS FUCKED WE BE SIPPIN DAILY NO RECTAHTUM WHEN DAY PAY MEh" Gerardo and I laughed as we ran cowering in fear. Little did we know fillipe was making his way into the back of her truck and filling his black winston backpack that his father bought him with empty winston packs with as much food as he could grab. I think he managed to smuggle a few taquitos in his hole as well. We ran away giggling with Joy as the woman cursed in more spanish and shook her fist angrily at us. I ran with my hand on Gerardo's ass. Gerardo ran with his hand on Joy's ass. Joy ran with her hand on fillipe's ass. I'm bout ta hit you like an uppercut! Pay attention bitch! So anyway, I felt my balls freezing in the cold north carolina summer winds, so I had Gerardo gingerly warm my skizzack with his tizzungg. His beard twitched to and fro with Joy. fillipe and I smoked a fat bowl of chum, or as he called it "lung" which I believe is one of those "fag" terms like "pants" that he picked up from his english lover and wanted felon, Daddy Vigilante. fillipe then began to complain about a frequent problem he has with ants as we chowed down on our deelishuss stolen grub. Mmmm mexican. Ma-ma-ma-ma-mexinuggets. "I fuckeeng hate theez ants esse," He began. "They're all over my fuckeeng ballz holmes!" He growled with a disgusted look in his eyes and adultery on his breath. We then noticed a very sexy young woman in a TINY skirt walking by in stilettos, She came up and introduced herself as "Janet the skeez" and continued begging for scraps of our food. Since none of us have any interest in females, we tossed her a taquito and told her to scram. Just then I noticed my good buddy robothug creepin around the chevron across the way. "YO ROBO.. WHERE DA COKE AT?" I screamed, mouthing the words with my hand firmly gripping my scrotum (which at the moment happened to be exposed). Robothug made his way across the street with his hands up in the air. "I GOT DA HOOKUP BITCHZ!" He screamed back, right in my face standing on my feet. It hurt because ROBOTHUG is basically robocop with a blue rag on cuz we dont luv them fuckin pirus. We kill dem bloodclots. Robothug proceeded to open his robo-chest and expose the bags upon bags of cocaine inside. We all had a good laugh and got coke moustaches then ate some more taquitos and gangbanged this "Janet the skeez" out of a drug-induced fit of curiousity as to what its like to be hetero. We didnt much like it, so robothug proceeded to crush her into a tiny cube and fit the cube up his robohole with Joy. We all laughed gingerly at how we performed finishing move after finishing move on this "Janet the skeez" character, then wiped our coke moustaches gingerly, and giggled some more. Robothugs laugh sounds like a cat being molested in an empty folgers can, so I kicked him in the robo-nards and stuck a red rag in his eye. This angered him so he said he wouldn't give us any more cocaine and walked away. We cried and put on some Lil' Kim on the boombox I mentioned earlier. Yea so it only played tapes, and very poorly I might add, but we needed to groove cause our coke high was wearing off. I told Gerardo to toss me and I jacked off with Joy while he did. "Yooz sum sick mofuckaz esse.." fillipe said, trying to fish the Janetcube out of robo's robohole. I saw a rainbow in the background, but that was kind of odd because it was 3am and we were sitting in the parking lot of a shell station in the most ghetto part of north carolina. I had to shit so I told Gerardo to just lay back, and open ya mouuuuuth. I let loose with mah juice as I caressed my bare hairy bear chest underneath my black vest (weren't you paying attention - I described that earlier, DICKWEED.) and moaned. fillipe shouted in panic "HEY HOLMES.. STOP THAT SHIT EH? ITS JESUS (pronounced hay-soos) AND HIS CREW ESSE!" I quickly wiggled my hole on Gerardo's butt-broom to gingerly wipe myself clean and pulled up my daisy dukes. I noticed a jet black 6-fo impala creepin' fulla mexicans wearin rags n vests much like mine. "What the fuck you doin ESSE?" I heard one of them shout. "N..n..nothin!" I muttered in fear that they might have weapons of some sort and beat us down cuz they dont like homosessuals. "Thats right nothin" they said and started to drive away when I heard fillipe shout, "HEY YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.. YOU THOSE ASSHOLESE THAT RAPED MY BROTHER THE UNICORN (refer to "Unicorn Porn" by Animal Camera) HoLMES.. I GON' FUCKEENG KEEL YOU!" and he then ripped off his shirt and started to brandish his machete that he keeps tucked under his balls. It shined under the street lights and blinded one of the mexicans who just screamed things like "I CANT FUCKEENG SEE HOLMESES!" and held his eyes. "YEA MOTHERFUCKERS!" I screamed. Standing up and throwin up my arms. I accidentally knocked off my black leather baseball cap and felt like an idiot when I bent over to pick it up though. I was surprised Gerardo didn't attempt to goose me like he so gingerly does. fillipe started walking towards the impala menacingly when they shreiked and took off. "ohhhhh no they dont.." fillipe said, as he ran to his buick skylark (how do you think we got from north california to north carolina) and hopped in the air, arms at his side, flying through the window into the driver seat like a human torpedo! We all ran and hopped in his ride and took off, speeding down the empty street, close on the tail of these unicorn-raping bastards. fillipe got a blowjob with Joy while he was driving which just made him go faster as he reached climax and gave her the finishing move. I stuck my fat body out his moonroof and waved my fists menacingly at the unicorn raper mexis. At speeds reaching 235 mph, my bare hairy bear chest felt sore and raw so I ducked back into the car and had Gerardo rub me down with mentholateum. The jet black impala swerved around cars, ducked off sideroads, jumped cliffs, and never lost us. We were right in their ass the whole time. Then in one fell swoop, their car hit a cactus at 250 mph and lept into the air. we watched in spin in slow motion as it careened towards the ground and then KABBOOOOOOM! the unicorn rapists were dead. fillipe laughed and cried. Robothug laughed too, I hate his laugh. Gerardo gingerly fingered my manhole with Joy and me, well, I just jacked right the fuck off. YeAaAii YeaAaHhuHh. Le Finale.