Why does it hurt? I can't think of why. I just know it does. And that pain makes it so much harder to avoid feeling this again in the future. I knew it was happening. I laughed about it. Yet this feeling came in my stomach, a feeling too strong to ignore.. like when you wake up and your stomach is grumbling, you feel that sharp hunger pain. It's like that only with the addition of that feeling of a knife being jammed into your gut, your heart dropping and splattering inside of you, and of course, love songs on the radio. Beautiful. So why does this feeling come when I knew what things were to begin with? Is it fear of lonliness? Is it a need for closure? Possibly the fact that so much relies on one single person that it drives you fucking insane cause you know they're lying, cheating, stealing, fucking you up the ass everytime you turn your back to them. Everytime you're not there it's a kick for them to do as many things as they can that they know would rip you apart. Why? Maybe is there a day coming when it'll all be thrown in my face when I say the wrong thing? Why should I fuckin care? I don't really want to see her. She doesn't really want to see me. We're killing time until we part, and we KNOW it's coming soon. The whole idea of what we should have been, a happy loving couple, died long ago. So why am I surprised to learn that you're doing this? Or am I? I don't even know if I really give a fuck. Maybe what really upsets me is the fact that I can't say anything about this without pissing you off and I need certain things from you at this point. I never felt like I could tell you anything. I never trusted you. I've had this feeling in my stomach a million times before. So why is it hitting hard this time? Maybe because this is when I need you the most and you know it. I wish I didn't need you. I wish I could just tell you what a hideous fucking person you are, tell you everything I really think of you, instead of having to bite my tongue simply because you're the only fucking person I know in this big place, and you're the only one that can help me. I so wish I wasn't here. My mom asked me "Well, what have you learned from this?" I laughed and told her "Never trust a girl. Get what you want and get the fuck out." She seems to think there's more to it than that. I know she's older and wiser and all, but I still don't. Why do I talk to you? I really don't like you. If I had a choice I wouldn't, but right now I'm so alone in a strange new world trying to take my first steps into adulthood and I need someone. What a horrible fucking joke god played on me by letting me believe that you would be the best person to fit that role. Fuck believing. Fuck trust. Fuck help, consolation, being there, caring, favors, selfishness, relationships, love, partnership and everything else. This is what happens when you need somebody. You get this feeling in your stomach. You get ripped to shit inside. I fucked up. I didn't believe in myself, and maybe that was just the biggest mistake of all. I let myself get into this situation knowing damn well I wouldn't be able to get out if shit went down. That's what I get for following my heart. For following what I heard in my head thinking god was guiding me. I remember before I left, I read the bible everyday. Prayed to god, asked his advice. Seeked his knowledge. Now where am I? Scared, cold, hurting, shaking. Wishing I had a fucking cigarette. Constantly questioning myself. My worth.. Is this all in my head? Some stupid hole that I've dug and fallen into and I don't know how to climb out yet? I don't like the games you play. But why should I care? I shouldn't be serious about relationships anyway. I already know better. I already know this isn't serious. So why does it hurt? Is this a test? Don't fucking test me. You have nothing to learn. It's funny really.. I'm smart enough to practically PREDICT whats happening in a relationship/girl/whatever.. yet I'm not smart enough to avoid it myself. Well that's why I'm fr0zty. My heart is a fucking brick of ice. Boo hoo. Poor me. Fuck off.
someday I'll learn.