October 25, 1997

THE TRINK PAGE

The book I won't write

Now and again I am asked to write a book about the nitery entertainment field, based on my years of experience and weekly recording of the scene. "You've seen numerous clubs open and close, you knew the people involved, so tell it like it was and put in all the juicy details. It'll sell like hotcakes!"

Sounds great - I could use the money - but, alas, it can't be done. If I used real names, many of the people involved or their families would sue me for libel. And because of this very real possibility, the publisher (more than likely to be sued as well) would insist on the use of ficticious names. In which case, what would be the point of such a book?

I have read books (mainly novels) by authors who have set them in the Realm and even when a watering hole was innocuously described, its name was made up. From its description and location I was able to guess which one it was. Obviously the writer and publisher were playing it safe, yet I am loath to take that route. Either the actual name is employed or don't bother. And because of libel suits, don't bother is the only option. If I penned a bland book it wouldn't be worth writing, or reading.

The vast majority of publicans I've encountered have been aboveboard, with exceptions. A few smuggled ganja abroad or were white slavers or hired themselves out as collectors or ran gambling operations. To the best of my knowledge they were all caught, tried and imprisoned here or overseas. One sent me a letter from a British jail categorically denying the charges on which he was convicted, which I wrote in my column, and demanded a retraction. I refused to oblige and heard nothing more about it.

A more dishonest lot were the managers who brought shows here at the time Fun City had night clubs. All too often, the acts were imitations of name performers in the States. I brought this to the attention of a night club owner and their manager pretended to have a heart attack in his office, refusing to allow the owner to call for an ambulance. From the floor, he gasped: "Sign the contract and I'll die a happy man." The owner signed, the manager suddenly recovered and walked out with the contract.

A distaff manager told another night club manager that she represented a roadshow of dancers from a Las Vegas hotel, handing him promotional material and a brochure of leggy girls highstepping it. He spent a good deal of money advertising them in the Thai and English-language newspapers. However, what the opening night crowd saw bore no resemblance to the photos. The women ranged from hippos to string-beans and couldn't dance to save their lives. The show was soon cancelled.

There was the singer who sent a picture of herself, poster-sized, to hang outside the night club. Clearly, she was in her early 20s. When she arrived, she was in her late 40s. Admittedly her voice was above average, still she had misrepresented herself. The owner advised her to have a contemporary publicity picture taken and he might consider her returning the following year. But she didn't and he didn't.

I inadvertently caused the arrest of a Patpong area saloonkeep. A Hollywood actor was in his ale house the night I was making my rounds with the photographer assigned me by the Bangkok World. I had them pose together for a photo. After it appeared in my column, he was recognised and nabbed. He was a wanted man and served time. Material for the book I won't write.

HANK'S (Henry J. Bean's) Bar and Grill's third outlet in the Kingdom will have a public opening party at the Amari Orchid Resort (adjacent to La Gritta Restaurant, Beach Road) on Sunday, November 9, at 6 p.m. Happy Hour all night. Lucky draws. All other days, business hours 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. Sundays from 11 a.m. to 1 a.m., with brunch and kids' games corner. A visit is in order.

T.Q. 1 (Beach Road), run by Bob and Woody, will host the Jesters Halloween Costume Ball on Friday, October 31. Banana's famous roast pig, Herbie's homemade pumpkin pies from 8 p.m. and a full-on Halloween theme. Jester masks handed out to everyone attending. Prizes for best costumes, Miss Halloween and special drawings on the hour.

A Jesters Charity Run on November 1, with the orphans from Bang Lamung Boys' Home at Nova Lodge on Central Pattaya Road.

ON the evening of November 1 a party at Desperado Pub (Soi 2) with live bands, discounted drinks and Banana's leg of ox barbecue.

ON November 2, a Survivors' Brunch at Nova Lodge. Everybody's welcome to all events.

AFTERNOON and evening downpours at the resort, each lasting circa 45 minutes, replete with lightning and thunder.

HAVE been hearing good things about California Coolers Restaurant (between Bang Chang and Huaypong, in Rayong). It offers tasty daily specials - 95 baht. Check it out.

RISING wholesale beer, wine and whisky prices have led publicans to increase their retail prices nationwide. Most aren't being greedy, but business is business after all. Incidentally, restaurateurs are increasing their menu prices for the same reason. The problem is that the bouncing baht makes it impossible to plan ahead as to where it will settle down. Cases of "TIT" (This Is Thailand).

WHILE 2 a.m. closings at Nana Entertainment Plaza and Soi Cowboy are strictly enforced, gin mills in the Patpong area are permitted to operate until 2:30 a.m., constellations (after hours meeting places) until 4 a.m. and beer bars until cockcrow. Needless to say, bakshish continues to change hands.

THE new local eatery on Patpong 2 (off Silom) has failed to take off. One thing it could do is stop making customers buy tickets before ordering food. It works in huge food centres such as at Mah Boonkrong and Central Lad Prao, but is cumbersome in a one room shophouse.

RAINBOW 1 BAR (NEP) will celebrate its first anniversary on Saturday, November 1. Free food from 7 p.m. Special cabaret show. Come by.

I wish night spot owners who only give their bar girls/Go-Go dancers two paid days off a month would stop boasting about their fairness. The lasses deserve four paid days off a month. If they want to work during their days off, hoping to get tapped for extra-curricular activities, it should be their choice, not up to the owners. 'Nuff said.

AMARI Boulevard Hotel (Sukhumvit Soi 5) has converted the ground floor of its carpark into a Beer Garden. It opens to the public on October 31 at 6 p.m. Mosey on over.

EL GORDO'S CANTINA (130/8 Silom Road), run by Richard and Sureeporn, will celebrate Halloween Mexican-style on October 31. Drinks discounted from 10 p.m. Prizes for the best costume of the evening.

A reader's definition. Organic - musical.

VISITORS from abroad are becoming noticeable as the annual tourist season gets underway. As they are every year, nitery proprietors are apprehensive as to whether the bad press the media consistently gives the country overseas will cause travellers to seek other destinations. But, once again, I find this attitude unduly pessimistic. They'll show up all right, yet many won't be loaded. Rich or poor, don't overcharge and cheat them please.

COMPARED with other nitery entertainment areas in the capital the maidens on Soi Cowboy are anything but beauties, still more than a few are amiable (which few beauties are). See for yourself.

THE Bangkok Music Society presents the Requiem of Mozart at Assumption Cathedral on November 1 and 2 at 8 p.m., conducted by Graham Taylor. Tix at 350 baht, 200 baht for students, are available at Asia Books (Sukhumvit Soi 17). Proceeds will go to the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fund.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

ACCORDING to L.M. Boyd, the prime minister of Norway is a woman; eight out of the 18 cabinet members are women; all three political parties are headed by women. That country has been described as the world's "most feminised" democracy.

A reader's oxymoron. Divorce court.

IT'S IN Life For Real Dummies by Richard Sandomir and Rick Wolff: A typical business day:

8 hours for sleeping

1 hour for getting dressed, shower, reading paper, etc.

2 hours for commuting to and from work

1 hour for catching up on yesterday's work (phone calls, memos, etc.)

1 hour for boring, mandatory meetings

hour for catching up on office gossip

hour of uninterrupted work

1 hours for lunch

1 hour for catching up on the morning's missed phone calls

1 hour for another boring, mandatory meeting

hour for catching up on office gossip

hour to go through classified ads, talk with headhunters, etc.

1 hour to daydream, read the newspaper, do the crossword puzzle, call friends

1 hour for dinner

1 hour to cope with daily annoyances in life (mowing the lawn, dealing with life insurance agents, relatives, family obligations, etc.)

2 hours for playing with kids, watching TV, paying bills, playing softball/drinking beer, doing kids' homework

hour servicing the spouse

A perfectly time-managed day, with little wasted time or effort. It's what life is all about!"

BUT, I DON'T GIVE A HOOT!