November 29, 1997
THE TRINK PAGE
No offence intended
Apoint I've made more than a few times - and can't be overstated - is that in this day and age, except in dictatorships and theocracies, everything is grist for the humour mill. The line isn't even drawn at bad taste. The only criterion is that the joke elicits a smile, chuckle or laugh. Those who are offended are accused of not having a sense of humour.
Many jokes have to do with religion and the following, passed on to me by a reader, I think mild enough not to call for a holy war. All refer to church bulletins and their double entendres or misspellings:
1. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
2. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones will sing "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Swofford to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
17. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
18. Mrs Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
19. The Lutheran Men's Group will meet at 6 p.m. Supper will be served for a nominal feel.
20. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!!"
A reader's definition. Elbonics - the actions of two people manoeuvring for one arm-rest in a movie theatre.
AS locals and residents are aware, the Realm has three seasons annually - Rain, Winter and Summer. This year, however, for some reason - El Nino? - Winter came and went in a flash. And, to all intents and purposes, the climate moved from Rain to Summer. In a word, the weather is hot and it won't be long before it is sweltering. Figure to be fanning yourself during the Xmas-New Year holiday a month hence. A case of "TIT" (This Is Thailand).
IT is the tourist season and visitors from abroad are pouring in. They spend a minimum time in the metropolis, put off by its air pollution and traffic jams, before heading upcountry - Pattaya, Phuket, the islands, Chiang Mai. Then back to Bangkok for last minute shopping before flying out.
SO as not to disparage the resort's image, Pattaya's finest have put out the word that only upbeat items be voiced by the media. Crime news is frowned upon. The nation desperately needs foreign exchange and that's all there is to it.
WHAT do you call a man who reads his wife's or girlfriend's letters? A mail chauvinist.
LONG before the recession, I emphatically disagreed with publicans who asserted that imbibers don't care if a watering hole charges more than its competitors for suds and firewater if they like its ambience and service. And I disagree even more firmly now. Whether or not elbow-benders have money to burn, they tend to go to the cheaper establishment (unless it has nothing going for it except the lower price). I've seen many an oasis close because they charged too much. Saloonkeeps would do well to keep it in mind.
KG (the King's Group) has a problem. If it turns the Love Boat (ground floor of the Bat Boat, Patpong 2) into a beer bar, it will only be competing with its own neighbouring beer bar - King's Garden. Yet what option does it have? Perhaps a Brauhaus with a micro-brewery ought to be considered...
FYI (for your information). The Go-Go girls at Safari Bar no longer wear pasties, but those at King's Camelot Bar (both on Patpong Road) do.
CONDUCTOR Sir Thomas Beecham said it: "I prefer Offenbach to Bach often."
A farang was chased and set upon by a local dog pack at Nana Entertainment Plaza the other night. What was that all about, I wonder?
DESPITE the recent extension it is still SRO (standing room only) at the disco at the Nana Hotel, (opposite NEP), run by Rick S., in the wee hours.
IF a train station is where a train stops, then what is a work station?
ACCORDING to L.M. Boyd, "Oreo" means "mountain" in Greek. Oreo cookies were so named because the first of them in 1902 were shaped like cones.
YOU know it's going to be a bad day when the fortune teller offers to refund your money.
AN oxymoron. Butt head.
IT'S that time of year when I ask for colourful calendars to paper my walls - airline, ship company, travel agency, girlie, nature et al. If you have 1998 extras please send them to me at the Bangkok Post,136 Na Ranong Road, Klong Toey, Bangkok, Thailand.
A feminist's aphorism. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
IT'S IN Old Wives' Tales by Sue Castle: "Don't go swimming right after eating; you'll get cramps and drown - Not True! If there is one rule that has caused more childhood misery than this one, I can't imagine what it would be.
"The reasoning given by parents went something like this: The blood supply the muscles would normally use for swimming is needed to digest the food. Therefore, the resulting lack of oxygen would increase the tendency for muscles to cramp.
"According to Bev Hoover, Health and Safety Specialist at the national office of the American Red Cross, cramps can and do occur while swimming. But they have little or nothing to do with how soon after eating you take the plunge.
"They occur, for the most part, in one of your muscles: either in your arm or your calf. These cramps can be caused by fatigue, cold, overexertion, or simply by being out of shape.
"Stomach cramps, which are better defined as abdominal or gastrointestinal cramps, can result from the same factors. More likely, they can be attributed to overeating, or eating food that may have spoiled from the heat. But these cramps will appear whether or not you go swimming.
"The important thing to know is what to do when you get a cramp. The Red Cross says: Just relax, do not become panicky or alarmed. Reassure yourself that your buoyancy hasn't changed, and you are still floating. Often just changing your swimming stroke will relieve the cramp.
"Or float while massaging the muscle. If it's a foot cramp and you're in deep water, take a deep breath, roll face down, extend your leg and flex it, and reach down and massage the muscle.
"Often an intestinal cramp will pass in a few moments, especially if you don't get anxious. If it doesn't pass, then get out of the water as soon as possible, again without panic.
"Whenever you're at the beach or pool, remember the American Red Cross' 'dangerous toos' - too tired, too cold, too far from safety, too much sun, and too much hard playing. But going swimming 'too soon' after eating isn't included.
"If your kids, or you for that matter, want to plunge into the water right after a hot, sticky lunch, it's fine. Let's finally leave this Old Wives' Tale high and dry on the beach."