by Doctor Cornelius
Author's note: Not-for-profit fanfiction based on the works of J.K. Rowling. For personal use only. Thanks to Jane for beta-reading. Thanks also to the SQ Professors and Dr. Aicha (not to mention Dr. Aicha's green robes) for being kind enough to put up with this sort of ridiculous mockery-- or, I should more properly say, "MOXery."
Originally written in the context of a discussion of Kathy's and Jedi's SQeGaD Summit, on the old SQ EZBoard.
"This ROX!" said Cap'n Kathy, also known as Elanor Gamgee, as she stepped off the airplane at an undisclosed airport near Jedi Boadicea's Secret West Coast Hideout. "You've got the Weather Controlling Charms in place, have you?"
"Yup," replied Jedi. "They only seem to work west of the Rockies, though. It makes it much nicer here. I mean, New York is a fun place to visit, but who'd want to live there?"
The Cap'n looked doubtful, most likely wondering what GP would have to say about that. She stowed her suitcase in the trunk of Jedi's car, and was not surprised to see that it had been magically expanded. "Wow!" she said. What's all this?
"My armoury, of course," replied Jedi. "I've got George Washington's axe, the Sword of Gryffindor, the Bow of Legolas…"
"The Bow of Legolas!?!?"
"Yup… personally autographed by Orlando Bloom himself." Boadicea smiled and gave a deep sigh.
"Wait a minute… George Washington's axe? That doesn't quite fit, does it?"
"Well, they're all myths, aren't they?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
The girls piled into the car (which, being magically expanded, could somehow hold enough provisions to keep two women happy for three weeks), and zoomed off into the desert in search of the hideout.
"Which way are we going?" Cap'n Kathy asked. "Is this north-east?"
"Oh, who knows?" replied Jedi. "What I lack in sense of direction I make up for in speed."
The Cap'n nodded in agreement.
Dr. Aicha sweltered in the summer heat and humidity of North Carolina (Weather Controlling Charms don't work on the East Coast, remember) as she read the Cap'n's post on the Sugarquill message board about her visit to Jedi Boadicea's hideout.
"Uh-oh," she said to herself. "I've got a bad feeling about this." She went over to her fireplace and tossed in some Floo Powder (fortunately, thanks to a clever Flame Freezing Charm, it didn't make the day any more sweltering than it already was). "Zsenya?" she called.
A moment later Zsenya's face appeared. The green flames made for an amusing contrast with the trademark white streak in her hair. "Dr. A?" she said. "What's up?"
"Have you read Elanor's post on the Summits and Meetings board?"
"No, I haven't… I've been horrendously busy this month… it's really awful…"
"But I thought you liked being busy and couldn't survive otherwise?"
"Oh-- yeah. Right. Forgot. Sorry." Zsenya disappeared for a moment to go read the Cap'n's post, and reappeared within a couple minutes.
"Uh-oh," said Zsenya. "We've got trouble on our hands. Elanor says she's going to keep the Yeti away?"
"I didn't think so either. The two of them together are going to attract even more Yeti than Boadicea does by herself."
"Yeah," Zsenya replied. "The Original Fantasy Yeti, the Babylon 5 Yeti, the Star Trek Yeti, the Star Wars Yeti, the Lord of the Rings Yeti…"
"Search and rescue, then, is it?" asked Dr. A.
"Yup. When's the next Concorde to the West Coast?"
"The Concorde only goes to London and Paris. And after 9/11 it would be kind of risky to ask Firoza to hijack one for us."
"Oh. No good, then. When's Dr. Cornelius going to get done building that Sonic Cruiser thing?"
"I don't know. I'm sure Boeing's got its own quota of Yeti to fight off. Probably not in time to rescue Kathy and Jedi, anyway."
"You're right. I wonder what-- hey, wait a minute--"
"What?"
"HAVE WE GONE MAD? ARE WE WITCHES OR NOT?!?"
"Oh-- right. Apparition it is, then."
And they both raised their wands to Apparate, but--
"Hey, Zsenya?"
"Yeah?"
"Did Jedi tell you where the Secret Hideout was?"
"Nope."
"Me either."
"Are we there yet?" asked Kathy for the who-knows-how-many'th time.
"Oh, hush," replied Boadicea. "I know where we're going. We're just… just taking the scenic route, that's all. We've gotten through the desert, haven't we? We've gotten into the mountains, so it can't be too far. Why, look-- here's the park entrance now. The hideout's only a few miles from here."
Sure enough, a sign by the right side of the road read:
YOSEMITE
NATIONAL
PARK
"I don't know," said Kathy. "Something still doesn't feel right about this."
A tough-looking female guard came out of the ranger station. "Can I see your park reservation, please?" she asked in a gruff voice. "I hope you have it… if not, that would be… terrible."
"Okay," said Boadicea a bit uncertainly. She fished the appropriate paperwork out of her glove compartment.
"Jedi Boadicea," gleefully intoned the guard's gruff voice, which Boadicea thought sounded vaguely familiar. "And you've brought a friend with you this time…" The guard's smile showed some teeth that definitely did not look normal.
"No!" said Jedi, horrified, as she frantically motioned for Kathy to hurry up and do something.
"Yes," said the guard, waving a wand at the sign, whose letters rearranged to read:
SOME YETI
NATIONAL
PARK
And the guard swelled to a height of fifteen feet and became covered in white fur as she transformed back into…
"AGRUFFA THE GRUFF AND TERRIBLE WHO EATS ROCKS AND SOMETIMES SMALL CHILDREN!!!" shouted Jedi and Kathy.
"The very same," acknowledged Agruffa. "And, since Yeti stories are even longer than our names… it seems we'll have a lot to talk about."
"No!" shouted Jedi, as she and Kathy pulled out their wands to mount a desperate attack.
"Oh, but I've brought some nice little plot bunnies for you to play with while you listen," said Agruffa, opening up a cage out of which hopped several small bunny rabbits (each with a nametag identifying it as "Original Fantasy," "Babylon 5," "Viktor and Charlie," and so forth). And so Agruffa launched into her latest lament over the stupidity, incompetence, and general wimpiness of her mate, Timmy the Timorous Who Looks Really Impressive But Is Way Too Chicken to Ever Actually Attack Anyone, while Jedi and Kathy sat down to pet the cute fluffy bunnies, their wands forgotten.
Meanwhile, Doctor Aicha had Apparated to Zsenya's place in Maryland, and was now standing outside the Zsenya's Junk Room at the University of Maryland Archive (Zsenya had given up the Minas Tirith job ages ago). She watched in amazement as Zsenya rummaged around tossing various objects and papers out the door.
"Hey, Zsenya," she said. "I thought you Archivists were supposed to be… well-organized?"
"Shh, don't tell anyone," replied Zsenya. "This is what junk rooms before. Now where is that stupid thing…?" She continued rummaging around for whatever she was looking for as what appeared to be the tattered remnants of an old diary flew past Dr. Aicha's face.
"Zsenya, you can't just… ZSENYA, THIS IS PRICELESS!! You can't just…."
"What?"
"This is… this is an original handwritten manuscript of HQoW, Year One!"
"Oh," said Zsenya in a bored voice, "that old thing." She continued her search as Spiro Agnew's face flew past Dr. A, winking cheekily at her from the front cover of Nattering with Nixon. "AH-HA!" Zsenya shouted.
She emerged triumphantly holding a large metal ball, painted blue but otherwise unmarked. "Here," she said proudly, handing it to Dr. A.
"What's this?" said Heather. "It's the wrong color for a Magic 8-Ball. Am I supposed to point my wand at it and ask, 'Where are Cap'n Kathy and Jedi Boadicea?'," she wondered, placing her wand on the globe as she said this last.
Suddenly, writing was appearing on the turquoise-blue surface:
Headmistress Zsenya asks: State your name and business, please.
Professor B Bennett wonders if perhaps you've forgotten the password.
Headmistress Arabella adds: The Professors' Globe doesn't reveal its secrets for just ANYONE.
Professors Kathy
and Boadicea
would just like
to say:
Nyah nyahhh,
can't find
uuusssss!!!
Duuuude!
Tee-hee!
Dr. Aicha looked up and rolled her eyes, and then realized that one more script was joining in the fun:
And Deputy Headmistress Moey also wishes to add that those green robes are positively hideous.
"That does it!" said Dr. A, slamming the metal ball to the ground. Zsenya, horrified, picked it up and made sure it hadn't sustained any damage, while Dr. A waved her wand around madly, looking for someone to curse. "MOEEEEEYYY!!!"
"She's not here, Heather. That's just her consciousness embedded in the Professors' Globe."
"Oh-- yeah, right. So how does it work? Do you say, 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good?"
"Close," said Zsenya, placing her wand on the Globe, which was beginning to write: Headmistress Zsenya says: Neither are we, but that's not the password.
The real-life Zsenya then recited in a solemn voice: "Harry and Hermione is a ridiculous impossibility." Immediately the Globe erased itself, and a world map started appearing in its proper position on the Globe.
"KEWWWWWLL!" said Dr. A, "this ROX!!!" She gleefully examined the detail of the Globe, having completely forgotten her opinion of Moey's uniquely personal contribution to it. "And there they are!" She pointed to a spot somewhere in the Sierra Nevadas, as Zsenya nodded.
"Ready?" said Zsenya.
And this time they really were ready, and off they went via Apparition toward Jedi's Hideout on the West Coast.
Unfortunately, it took them two tries to find the Hideout (the first time Zsenya Apparated five miles south of where she wanted to go, right on top of some old deer doing its shopping; perhaps she was distracted by the hope that Jedi's Hideout might be somewhere near Arabella's camp full of redheaded boys with British accents). They got it right the second time, however, and stealthily crept up behind where Jedi and Kathy were sitting.
"Hmmm," said Dr. Aicha. "Something's wrong. Is that a… bunny I see there?"
"Oh," Zsenya replied suspiciously, "it's just a harmless little bunny, is it?"
They crept up closer, and saw none other than Agruffa's gruff and terrible self, obliviously lost in the rapture of her own sorrowful storytelling.
"eGaD," said Dr. A.
"That SUX," Zsenya agreed.
"What are we supposed to fight Yeti with, again?"
"Fire, I think it said in Fantastic Beasts. Too bad I've, um, quit smoking." Zsenya avoided Dr. A's eyes as she said this.
"Hmm. Well, 'Stupefy' worked on the dragons in GoF. Shall we?"
"On three."
And on the count of three, both Zsenya and Dr. A leaped out of the bushes, pointing their wands at Agruffa and shouting "STUPEFY!!!"
"Ha!" said Agruffa, roused by the curse from her storytelling reverie. "Agruffa the Gruff and Terrible Who East Rocks and Sometimes Small Children laughs at your pathetic curses."
She prepared to unleash her mean left hook, but then-- "AYIEEEEEE!!!"
Agruffa suddenly slumped to the ground. This was surprising enough to draw Jedi's attention away from the bunnies at last.
"Agruffa," she said, "What's with you now?"
"It's those green robes," said Agruffa, nodding toward Dr. Aicha with her eyes squinted nearly shut. "They're… well, how do I say this?"
"Drop-dead gorgeous?" said Dr. A with a winning smile.
"No, not that, more like… positively hideous." And she fainted dead away.
* * *
When all this had been peaceably settled (Zsenya and Dr. A had returned the bunnies to their cage in a no-nonsense, take-charge manner, much to Jedi's and Kathy's disappointment), they finally arrived at Jedi's Hideout, where the SQ Search and Rescue team became the SQ Fanfic Drill Sergeants, making sure that Jedi and Kathy stayed on task in the production of "Memories of Tomorrow, Dreams of Yesterday" and, of course, the mythical "Ron's Fourth Year."
And so all was well.
At least, that is, until….
"ARRRRGGH!!!" shouted Jedi (sounding almost like Moey but not quite). "Subtext! Subtext! Why do you keep seeing this supposed subtext in my story? Where would you even get such an idea?"
"Well," said Zsenya, "don't tell anybody this, but… I've been reading H/H posts on FA again…."