TITLE: First Steps

AUTHOR: Ophelia

EMAIL: ophelia_rd@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: Joss, not I.

DISTRIBUTION: Let me know where it's going

CATEGORY: B/S

RATING: M

PART: 1/1

FEEDBACK: Yes please!!!

VISIT ME: http://au.oocities.com/dra_gon_fly_er

First Steps

I look at him and feel like I'm drowning.

Drowning in his handsome pale features.

Drowning in his incredibly blue eyes.

But I'm not allowed to - he vampire, me slayer - mortal enemies always to remind.

Also I've got Riley...

The nice human Angel wanted me to find.

And he - acid bubbles up in my stomach by the mere thought of the two of them sharing one bed - yeah, he's smooching up Harmony, the bloody bitch. Damn it all to hell, why do I always allow him to get to me like this.

Sometimes on some rare occasion when we are alone I think Dawn might be right.

Maybe it is nothing but a cover-up and he actually likes me one tiny bit.

But then again, other times, he is so spiteful and cruel and hurts me and toys with me and my feelings only to get a rise out of me - only to have the last laugh and use it to laugh in my face.

Can't he tell how much he upsets me?

Hot and cold with the blink of an eye.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Makes me edgy and jumpy whenever he's around.

Even worse, I can't eat, I can't sleep and even Riley thinks something is fishy.

I don't know what to do.

It's not like I could confide in Willow or Xander - or Giles...

What I feel for him is so totally different from anything I felt for Riley or Angel.

It's so intense, so alive.

He makes me laugh and cry and happy and mad.

I never feel sure about him, sure, I know he won't hurt me, not because he can't but because he's enjoying our little quarrels far too much to deliberately cut himself off of his source of amusement.

He has battled and comforted me, seen me at my best and worst.

So, what does this leave us?

Enemies?

Friends?

I've seen him around Drusilla and know he is not the jackass he wants the world to believe. I just don't know what to do...

Maybe it would be best to forget the whole thing - concentrate on Riley instead, he's not a bad guy. It's not his fault that I can't love him back the way he'd like me to.

Spike...

Why does this have to be so complicated?

It affects my studies, my life, my slaying...

I so much wish I had someone to talk to.

What if I simply walked up to him and told him: "Spike, the two of us gotta talk!"?

But what if I'm wrong and it's all just a game, even worse what if it's just all in my head?

However, it doesn't help, something's gotta happen!

I just can't go on like this!

"Alright, whatya lurkin' in front of me effin' crypt?"

Fuck!

I should have known.

Should have known he could sense me.

Probably been laughing his head of about silly old me wearing a whole in the bloody concrete slaps.

Oh well, what the heck...!

Some things just have to be said!

"Listen, Blondie," I sigh and gesture towards the entrance of his crypt. "Why don't we find someplace less public, so we can have a long, long-overdue chat?"

end