Smitty's Survey!!
1. Have you ever hugged a tree?
Oh yes. From the dogwood tree that the snake went in, many pine trees, a mulberry tree, and an occasional weeping willow. I was a tomboy pagan growing up, not much of a surprise if you know me now, and inclined to make up ritual and worship nature based gods. I went through a period in 3rd grade where I tried to worship Elbereth, the Elfin god from Tolkien. The snake was part of that period.
2. Ever hugged one in public?
No. I'm not arboreally expressive in public.
3. Have you ever not recognised yourself in a photo?
Yes. Often. I don't think I look like I actually do. My mother has a whole selection of pictures of me that I don't recognize, the most recent being my sister's wedding a few years back. I borrowed and wore my mother -in-law's clothing, because I promised my mother that I wouldn't dress like a man. Her exact wish, in fact. So I wore a dress, and even let her put make-up on me and have a wonderful queen do my hair. I looked like a Farside cartoon. My mother has a picture of me in that getup, looking like either a terrified six year old who can't get away, or an adult who has been brain damaged in a car wreck. My whole manner and posture scream agony and inferiority- I couldn't have wanted to hide more. I was holding a basket of flowers. It is my mother's favorite picture of me. Leslie thought I never looked worse. God bless her for that.
I feel compelled to add that the inferiority comes from my inability to recognize myself in that way. Plenty of women could look stronger than Joan of Arc in that outfit without a hitch. But the thing in me that makes me who I am, whatever it is that makes me strong or attractive or powerful does not show up in female clothing. I felt defeated by it. Butch women might be able to back me up here- do people ever tell you that it's just a dress, or just makeup, or hair? That we should be able to, without a hitch, carry off successfully what feels like a gender transition on command. I have often wanted to say, if it so inconsequential- try it. Dress as the opposite gender for a day, carry the required artfacts, most importantly, act in the required manner. Clothing isn't just clothing- we have heavy and pervasive cultural expectations that go along with clothing. See if you don't long for an abandoned sense of self so powerfully, feel such a level of discomfort that you cannot function. There has to be a level of comfort in your body, or you cannot get past it. Think about it on a surface level. Ever had a day when your hair was awful? Just horrendous. And you were out of laundry, all you had was you mother's sweatshirt with the big eyed kittens on it. And you had to go out in public, say drive to the store because your dog was sick or you were out of food. You hated every single person who looked at you, and you cringed everytime they did. You might want to stop them all and explain that you don't really look like this, it's temporary, it's a mistake- you get the point.
4. Not recognised yourself in a mirror?
No. I know my own face. I don't look much at my body, bless the hips of my
Scottish peasant women ancestors.
5. Pretended you were adopted?
Of course. Left behind in the peasant's hut in Pleasant Valley by royalty
who would claim me once I'd proven myself strong and clever.
6. Pretended you were being filmed?
Yes. Too much of a drama queen not to.
7. Pretended you were being filmed to impress someone so you could get with
them - and it worked?
No. But I have written plays just to seduce women, and one book of poetry.
8.Do you make up stories when you're bored?
Uh, yeah. All the time. Doesn't everyone?
9.Do you believe them?
Without question. Another brilliant writer from Buffalo I know also believe
this- that what you write, you bring into your life. You create it. It's a
bit of sympathetic magic. I don't intend it, but it is true to me.
10.When was the last time you danced naked?
Never.
11.What is the most disgusting thing you have eaten?
I was in Kiev and ordered a pizza- and I cannot tell you what mix of rotting
cabbage and eggs was in the dough.
12.What is the nicest thing you have put in your mouth?
That would be whom.
13.Ever told a homophobic joke?
Yes. I grew up very nervous about gay people- long Freudian stretch there,
isn't it? Homophobia in a small town is rampant. Do I now? Not if I find it
mean spirited. If I think it's not one of the "God Hates Fags" or "Fags need
to die in ugly ways" jokes, hell yeah I'll tell them. I like sexual jokes in
particular, and anything that shows queer culture.
14.Ever laughed at one?
Yes. See above.
15.Description of your dream letter-box:
The casket that Alexander kept under his pillow, with his copy of the Illiad
and a dagger inside. Both are essential to what I consider a life of
excellence- history,myth and the example of heroes, and a means to defend
yourself/attack at will.
16.Last time swimming in the nude?
Last summer when we lived in Vegas, and no you don't any more out of me on
that.
17.Do you find that you relate to people better when you are horny (randy)?
No, it makes me more distracted. I try too hard, I'm less charming.
18.When is the best time to flirt?
Flirting is an art form, a gentle stroke to the ego, and when done
generously or extravagently, a way of life.
19.If you could be the lead star of any existing TV programme, which would it
be?
I'd be Xena. Please. Tall, black haired, wearing a corselet and carrying a
sword, with a devoted gorgeous blond at my side?
20.Tell us about your favourite pet in three words.
Drooly monster guillotine.
21.Best x-mas gift you received.
A silver letter opener embossed with Alexander's portrait coin, in a carved
box from Rhodes. The letter opener came from Athens, where it had to be
bargained for.
22.Best x-mas gift you gave.
I'd say a trip to Europe. But you'd have to ask her.
23.Xmas present you pretended to appreciate the most, but gave away at the
first chance?
Any clothing my mother gives me. We've talked it to death, now I understand
that it is important to her conception of me. So I accept it and thank her
for it. She lives in Florida, I live in California, we don't see one another
more than once a year, so no one has to suffer for it. Sometimes, the essence
of civilization is not saying anything.
24.Talked to the television?
Constantly. I like to talk to inanimate objects. When I am alone.
25.When it was off?
No, it doesn't make any noise to prompt conversation.
26.Pretended to be gay to facilitate kissing someone of the opposite sex?
Hell no.
27.Pretended you were straight?
Yes. At work. I'm a children's librarian in South Central. Occasionally the
kids will ask me direct questions. I tell them I'm married. One boy actually
asked me in an unmistakeable hostile fashion, "To what?" I said "Dr.
Rockenbach." I imply that I am heterosexual and married to a man. It feels
like shit. But I work in an environment I know to be heavily Christian and
homophobic. I'm out to my co-workers, not to the community I serve. Yes, I
let the fact that I work with children influence how I let people see me.
Which is bloody funny. I look like a bulldagger. I act like, well, myself.
The kids all have taken to calling me "Sir." To my face, and behind my back.
So what level of protection does my implicit heterosexuality provide? Just
enough to keep their parents from coming after me, I suppose.
28.Did any one believe you?
I don't think so. But the denial is enough to keep a semblance of normality,
which is what the public seems to demand.
29.Ever told the truth but no one believed you?
No.
30.Ever lied and everyone believed you?
Yes. Leslie and I slashed the tires of this jerk who was terrorizing her ex
lover. The ex-lover happened to be Margaret Smith, whom I adore and love
deeply. I know she would not have approved at the time, but the wench had to
pay. So we did it, and when all hell broke loose the next day, we had no idea
who could have done such a thing. Nobody ever suspected, it was not the kind
of thing anyone could think of me doing.
I told Margaret the truth much much later, over a bottle of wine. She
laughed, but agreed that she would have killed me at the time if she knew.
31.Has the drag king list been beneficial to your over all well being and has
it made you a better bean pod?
Without question. And a better writer, too.
32.What three words first come to mind when describing your secret fetish?
Imperial. Cruel. Extensive.
33. On a scale of 0 to 10 (5 being in the middle):
a.. 0 hetero - 10 gay
10. I have never sexually loved a man.
b.. 0 prude - 10 town bicycle
3. I'm a god awful prude. So old fashioned. But I have been known to be
flexible.
It's complicated.
c.. 0 romantic - 10 slam bam thank you Sam (or Mamm)
4. See above.
d.. 0 kinky - 10 vanilla
3.
e.. 0 pursuer - 10 pursuee
8. Women have always pursued me. I'm rather shy.
f.. 0 the neighbours cat can tell you're queer - 10 no one believes you're
queer
0. I don't think I really fool anyone.
g.. 0 thank your lucky stars you're a dyke - 10 give anything to be straight
1. Because I live in this world, I have internalized homophobia. And at some
points, I wish I just wasn't who I am. I am also subject to despair, given my
temperment.
That calls for an example. I was at Leslie's school with her one Saturday
afternoon. We had walked over with the dogs so she could finish something up.
We were alone. I was wearing sweats and a baseball cap, I think, just stuff
you throw on to walk the dogs, not to see people. Now, Leslie had come out at
school, so some of the students knew she was gay. But seeing me is a
different thing. I walked outside with Jeffy, just strolling around.
A whole bunch of kids came up, with the athletic director. He stopped me by
yelling my name across the courtyard, and asking me how the dog was, is
Leslie around- no mistaking who I was. The kids stared. I made a short answer
and fled. For a few minutes, I saw myself through teenagers eyes. I felt
exposed, horribly dressed, a caricature of a dyke- but without any of the
understanding or appretiation for masculine women. I just felt ugly. And I
felt like I was destroying Leslie's standing with these kids by being…well,
such a dyke. These teenagers would never understand.
I was in tears about it. Leslie told me I was being silly- she wouldn't have
married me if I wasn't such a dyke. So I got to see myself again through
queer eyes, appreciative eyes- and I felt better. But both reactions do
exist.
h.. 0 like to be different - 10 like to be like every one else
4. I do like the experience of belonging. But I won't sacrifice everything
to do it.
i.. 0 happy with your appearance - 10 not happy with your appearance
9, usually. But on occasion, 2 or 3.