What a fine wee beastie.

Felis vulgaris
"There is no such thing as an ordinary cat."

One Sunday morning, my lovely husband informed me that we had a visitor. I went outside to see, and there was a pathetic, bony, limping, starving, sickly cat, who shrieked, "OH GODDESS, FEED ME, PLEASE FEED ME!!!" (Gee, what did she do?) Once the poor thing was fed, he didn't leave. He picked a spot outside the patio door and slept on the bare wood of the deck, waiting for me to make my appearance. Soon fall began....it got frosty. I gave him a little basket to sleep in. Then I wrapped the basket in towels and put an old sweater into it. The deck kitty was very pleased with this arrangement. "Don't let that cat in! We don't need another cat. Besides, he is ordinary looking." "HE is NOT ordinary looking; he looks like a brook trout. And he has black lipstick and cleopatra eye-makeup, and an orange tummy with leopard spots, and beautiful black toes!" (We won't go into this conversation further, as it became quite heated, but the cat remained outside.) It began to rain and snow. I got a cardboard box, cut a door into it, put it inside a plastic storage bin, and heated it with a shoplight. This was much to the deck kitty's liking. Finally one day when the snow was 12 inches deep, I became fed up. I opened the patio door one morning and said, "Come in." He stuck in a couple of whiskers and stood in the doorway just like a cat. I helped him in the rest of the way, shut the door, locked it, told him, "There. Now you're in." Then I went off to work. When I came home from work, he was sitting on the couch next to the person who thought he was an ordinary-looking cat. Good work, kitty. We didn't name him...we call him D.K. (short for Deck Kitty).

Stray cats will not be fed. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food tossed on the ground, outside. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover meat scraps. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times. Stray cats will sleep outside. Stray cats will sleep outside unless it's raining. Stray cats will sleep in the garage. Stray cats will sleep in the house but not in the bedroom. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep on our bed. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers unless we're cold. Stray cats will not play on the desk. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j!!!!!

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