Once upon a time there was a boy wizard named Sirius Black, and he was the most irresistible young rascal that had ever magicked a motorcycle to fly. No one else in all of Hogwarts could compare with him. His friend James was fond of him to a great degree, and his other friend Remus even more so, and well they might be, for he was so clever and wicked and devilish, not to mention generally willing to help other Gryffindors cheat on Arithmancy exams, and he also had a very nice bum. So Sirius was loved and admired by almost everyone at school--everyone but a nasty, ill-tempered boy named Severus Snape.

On Sirius' sixteenth birthday, his three good friends gave him a set of hooded dress robes, which were all the rage in fashion at the time. The robes made him look so dashing that everyone called him Little Black Riding Hood, although he loathed the nickname and loudly threatened to thrash anybody who used it.

One evening James came to tell Sirius that their friend Remus was ill. Having stolen from the kitchens some pastries and butterbeer, he handed them to Sirius and said, "Why don't you run along and go see Remus, and take these goodies with you, and sit him on your lap and hand-feed him until he feels better."

Sirius growled, "You think I'm your errand-boy, Potter?" Still, the notion of Remus on his lap struck him as rather intriguing, so he put on his hooded robe and set off for the Shrieking Shack, which, you must observe, was located at quite a distance from Hogwarts, through a wood and past a Whomping Willow.

What he did not realize was that it was the night of the full moon, and in the middle of the wood he was met by Moony the Werewolf. Moony, being an insatiable beast, had a mind to eat little Black up. But as Severus Snape was abroad in the forest, trailing after Sirius in the hopes of catching him at some mischief and being able to tattle, Moony did not dare to do it. Instead he sidled out of the shadows toward Sirius and spoke.

"Where are you going, tasty morsel--er, young man?"

So distracted was Sirius by thoughts of lap-sitting and finger-feeding that he failed to notice anything remarkable about a talking Wolf. He said to Moony, "I'm off to see my friend Remus, who's got a bit of a cold, and I'm taking him some pastries and butterbeer, and you know, I do believe that busybody James is trying to set me up."

"Well, how lovely," said Moony. "Sounds like a lark." Scarcely able to believe his luck, he bounded off through the trees toward the Shrieking Shack. He took the shortest possible route and thus arrived in good time, after dodging several attempted whomps from the Willow.

Entering the house, he shut the door and leaped into Remus' bed in expectation of little Black, who came shortly afterwards and knocked at the door.

"Who's there?" asked the ravenous Wolf.

Hearing the hungry edge in his friend's voice, Sirius was at first a bit startled, but since the Whomping Willow was doing its best to bludgeon him, he was more concerned with getting inside the Shack than anything else.

"It's me," he yelled, "and I've got butterbeer, so will you let me in before the bloody tree kills me?"

The Wolf replied, "Push the knob at the base there, and it'll stop." Sirius did, and the Willow stopped whomping. Relieved, he went inside.

As little Black came into the Shack, Moony hid himself under the bedclothes. Speaking faintly, he murmured, "Bring the butterbeer and get over here, will you? It's cold."

At this Sirius was reminded of the possibility of lap-sitting, and he hastened to obey his friend's request. Throwing off his robes eagerly, he went to sit on the bed, but was shocked at the hairy snout he glimpsed protruding from beneath the blankets.

"Remus," he said, "have you considered that it might be time for you to start shaving?"

Then he noticed something else protruding from beneath the blankets.

"Dear God! What a great big--"

But before he could finish those words, the hungry Wolf pounced upon Sirius and ate him up.

Now I trust, dear Reader, that you have not forgotten our naughty Severus Snape? No, of course you haven't. At that very moment, Snape was lurking outside the Shrieking Shack, trying to find a way around the Willow so that he could sneak inside and see what sort of rule-breaking Sirius was up to. He had just discovered the trigger knob for the door when he heard a tremendous ballyhoo from within the Shack. There was howling and growling, and then a long, low moan that made Snape shiver in his boots.

Convinced that Sirius was tormenting some helpless creature, Snape rushed into the house, his cloak thrown back, his wand at the ready.

He was quite unprepared for the sight of his arch-enemy being swallowed by a Wolf.

So contorted was Black's face and so desperate his groans that Snape felt certain he was in mortal agony, and would soon be dead. Before the Wolf could notice his presence, Snape backed away and fled from the Shack. All the way back to Hogwarts he ran, giggling in delight, and once there he went straight to James Potter to gloat.

"Well, Potter," he sneered, "you're going to be one flunkey short after tonight."

"Why's that?" asked James, who was playing Scrabble with Lily and Peter.

Snape's beady eyes glittered bright with triumph. "Because as we speak, your little friend Black is off in the Shrieking Shack getting eaten by a monstrous Wolf!"

"And about time, too," said James. He picked up six of his tiles and placed them on the board, adding an "iality" to Peter's "best."

"Twenty-seven points," said Lily.

Try as he might, poor Snape could not rouse James and the others to horror, or even dismay. He left in a huff, thinking that Potter was even more of a rotter than he'd previously supposed, and eventually went back to his room to console himself with the thought of Sirius Black's dreadful demise.

Hours later, when dawn came at last to the Shrieking Shack, a sleepy but very much living Sirius spoke.

"Can't you do that thing with your teeth just once more?"

"Sorry, dearest, but the fangs are gone. You'll have to wait until next month."

There was a heartfelt sigh, followed by a pause long and thoughtful.

"You know, I think Padfoot could manage that trick."

"Oh, do let's."

And they both shagged happily ever after.