Remus Lupin knew before he even walked into potions class that
his good friends Sirius and James were up to something. He could hear the
cheering and clapping of the other students as he descended the stairwell into
the somewhat chilly dungeon. Either class was canceled, he thought, or
James and Sirius are right in the middle of this. The latter suspicion
turned out to be true: when Remus entered the classroom, he saw Sirius leaning
James backward over Professor Parrish's desk, giving him a scorcher of a kiss as
the other students egged them on. Remus only shook his head, smiled and took his
seat next to Peter Pettigrew. Very little those two did surprised him
anymore.
"Aren't they insane?" Peter laughed, nudging Remus in the ribs.
"I could never do something like that, not even on a dare!"
Before
Remus could say anything, Sirius glided over to his side, put his arm around him
and said huskily, "I've got one for you, too, if you want it. All you have to do
is ask," flashing him a very charming grin. His long, sleek, jet-black hair
tickled Remus's cheek, which made Remus tense just slightly.
Remus
reached around, lifted Sirius's arm from his shoulders and said, "Don't kiss me
unless you mean it. Not everyone falls for a pretty face alone," keeping his
tone playful even though he meant the words. He knew how sexy Sirius liked to
toy with "curious" boys, always promising what he would never deliver, and Remus
preferred not to play along. For one thing, he was somewhat less impetuous than
Sirius and James and didn't find much humor in it. For another, Sirius had been
playing this game with him ever since that day two years ago when Remus
confessed to his three best friends -- Sirius, James and Peter -- that he was
mostly attracted to men. It was difficult for Remus to tell whether Sirius
sought to include him in the joke or to make him its latest victim, and he
didn't want to risk it either way.
There were other reasons, too, but
Remus preferred not to think about them, especially not right now. When he did,
it was too hard for him to smile.
Sirius pouted. "Tease."
Remus
laughed. "Flirt."
"Let him do it!" James interjected. He was sitting on
the teacher's desk, swinging his long legs over the edge and pushing his glasses
up on his nose. "He's a damn good kisser!"
More snickers from the
class.
"The three of you are completely revolting," came the sneering
commentary of Severus Snape, the good-looking, ill-tempered Slytherin who had
made himself the star of potions. "Some of us plan to have lunch in an
hour." He opened his textbook and glared at its contents.
"Friendly as
always," Peter said, rolling his eyes.
Sirius said under his breath, "No
kidding. He'd better get to Madam Pomfrey and have that stick pulled out of his
--"
"Good morning, class," Professsor Parrish said brightly as she walked
into the room. James jumped off the desk, took a sweeping bow and went to his
seat. Remus knew the gray-haired professor was trying her best to give James a
disapproving scowl, but as usual, it manifested itself as a tiny smile instead.
"Today, we're going to cover the green polywumpus potion, so please open your
textbooks to page two twenty-three."
Remus didn't really hear the rest of
the professor's discourse. He was too busy convincing himself that Sirius's
flirtation with him was just as meaningless as it was with every other
boy at Hogwarts who looked Sirius's way.
He doesn't mean it, Remus
told himself as he watched James scribble down a note and pass it to Sirius
while Professor Parrish wasn't looking. And even if he does have any real
interest in boys, it's probably James he wants, not me. Unfortunately, it
wasn't that easy to convince his heart.
Sirius
Black.
Sirius unfolded the note that James had just passed to him. It
read:
"You've got it bad for Moony, don't you?"
Sirius stuck the
note in the back of his textbook, grinned and cheerfully gave James an obscene
gesture. But, as usual, his friend was right: he had had a crush (carefully
concealed at first) on Remus Lupin since they were eleven years old. His
feelings only became more intense as their friendship deepened, and they reached
a new high when Remus revealed that he was mostly attracted to men. Since that
day two years ago, Sirius had pursued him as best he knew how -- which was
rather strange for him, since he was typically the one being
pursued.
You sure as hell don't make it easy, Moony, Sirius
thought, sneaking a glance at the object of his affections. Remus's pretty hazel
eyes were fixed intently on his open textbook and paying him no mind at all.
I could have nearly any girl and at least half the boys in this school... but
not the one that I really want.
On and off for the last two years,
Sirius had tried everything: love notes ("Don't you ever think about making love
to me?"), innuendoes, blatant flirting. But Remus never gave him the slightest
hint of encouragement, not even the smallest sign of temptation. In fact, he
only told Sirius to "Stop, unless you mean it," just as he had
today.
Sirius always balked at those words when he heard them from
Remus's lips. No one else expected that much of him; his lovers always seemed to
know that their passion was temporary, meant to last for only one night at a
time. But those words -- unless you mean it -- seemed to ask for so much
more. Sirius wasn't certain that he was quite ready to make such a promise, not
even to one of his best friends. Not even to someone he did.... No. He
didn't want to think of it, even if it was the truth.
The "L" word was a
complicated mess. Sirius avoided it as best he could, along with most other
serious topics. What if Remus didn't feel the same way? What if they did become
a couple, but Remus got bored with him later on? What if their friendship ended
up ruined? And what if he broke Remus's heart? That one word could change
everything, and not necessarily for the better. Better to leave well enough
alone and hope that Remus would eventually take him for what he was: a very
enjoyable one-night stand. It was safer that way and much less
scary.
"Black?" Professor Parrish's voice cut into his reverie. "Sirius
Black, are you still with us?"
Sirius blinked. "Oh. Sorry."
The
rest of the day's lesson was fairly uneventful, save that Peter's green
polywumpus potion turned out purple instead and ate a hole through his cauldron.
Remus volunteered to stay after class and help him figure out what had gone
wrong.
"Please, go on to lunch," Remus told Sirius and James with his
usual warm smile. "We'll catch up later."
"Good luck," Sirius said
doubtfully, looking at the smoking black lump that had once been Peter's
cauldron. But if anyone could help Peter, he knew that it was Remus. Sweet,
intelligent, sympathetic Remus, who often seemed to have the patience of several
hundred saints. In fact, it was mostly Remus's tutoring that had saved Peter
from failing potions last year.
"We'll save a place for you,"
James promised as he practically dragged Sirius out of the classroom and into
the hall. Once they were alone (the rest of the students were already gone),
James only grinned at him.
Sirius looked at him warily. "What?" His voice
echoed slightly in the gray stone hallway, and the lit torches that lined the
walls flickered as if to ask the same question.
James whispered, "Why
haven't you told him how you feel? You've nothing to lose for just
trying."
Sirius sulked and whispered back, "I've done everything I know
of to get his attention. Isn't that enough?"
James shook his head, still
grinning. "He probably thinks that you're joking with him, not that I could
blame him. You do have a bit of a reputation." He paused and then said in
his normal voice, "Let's head to the dining area and talk about it
there."
It was surprisingly easy to carry on a private conversation
in the dining hall at Hogwarts. For the most part, other students were too
engrossed in their own conversations to pay much attention to anyone else's.
Sirius told James everything, including the worries that held him back; James
told Sirius that he was being ridiculous, and that he shouldn't let a good thing
slip away.
"If I'd never said anything to Lily," James pointed out, "do
you think that we would be together now? If you want him as much as you say you
do, you have to take the risk." Lily was James's very cute girlfriend, who James
had been seeing for the last three months. She probably would have been at the
table with them right now if she hadn't been sick in bed with the flu, and she
probably would have told Sirius exactly what James was telling him now. And,
deep down, Sirius knew that they both would've been right.
"But you know
I'm not good at that sort of thing," Sirius responded, absently folding and
unfolding his burgundy cloth napkin and staring straight ahead. "I wouldn't even
know where to begin."
James turned thoughtful. "Then, maybe you should
do something about it instead of just saying the words. Something that he
couldn't mistake."
"Like what?"
James whispered his idea, which
made Sirius laugh. "What do you think?" he asked.
Sirius answered, "I
think you're a genius." Then, his smile faded. "But if this does
work...."
"If it works," James finished for him, "you'll have won the
heart of one of the kindest, most wonderful people either of us has ever known.
You shouldn't be afraid of that."
Remus Lupin.
On
Saturday evening, while all the other students in the Gryffindor boys' dorm
filed down the stairs to the dining hall for dinner, Remus was stopped from
leaving the room by Sirius's grabbing hold of his sleeve.
"I'm kidnapping
you for the night," Sirius told him with a wink. "Follow me; I've got something
to show you." He had his wand in hand.
Remus frowned slightly in cautious
puzzlement. "Padfoot, if anything explodes, catches fire, or turns into a
goat...."
Sirius snickered. "It's nothing like that this time. Please,
just trust me."
Somewhat reluctantly, Remus followed Sirius out of
Gryffindor Tower and down into one of the secret passageways they, James and
Peter had found last year. At the end of it rested Sirius's gleaming black
motorcycle, acquired just last summer, which Sirius had enchanted for
flight.
"We're going for a ride," Sirius said brightly. He slipped out of
his black wizard's robes and left them in a pile on the floor. Under them, he
wore muggle clothes: a black leather jacket, a white T-shirt, black leather
boots, and close-fitting black leather pants. Remus's heart skipped a beat when
he saw him like this. Obviously, certain aspects of the muggle world did have
their appeal.
"I... thought you only took girls on this bike," Remus said
quietly as he watched Sirius put his wand in the small compartment at the rear
of the bike. When Sirius Black had one of his "bike dates," he always seemed to
come back happy.
Sirius responded, "There's a first time for everything,"
his expression softer than usual. Gazing into Remus's eyes for just a bit longer
than necessary. Then, he cleared his throat and laughed nervously. "So, Moony,
are you coming or not?" He climbed on the motorcycle and looked back at Remus
over his shoulder.
Remus blinked. "I suppose I will." He got on, too,
nearly tripping over his robes as he did, and wrapped his arms around Sirius's
waist. This is... rather nice, he thought and held on a little bit
tighter. He could almost hear Sirius smiling.
Sirius started up the bike,
and seconds later, they were off. "Even better than Quidditch, isn't it?" Sirius
said over the roar of the engine as they soared above the Forbidden Forest. The
treetops looked like thick, billowing, dark-green clouds from this height. The
ground below was a mottled carpet of green, black and brown.
"Much
better," Remus agreed in a far-off voice, and his reasons had little to with the
view, the bike, or the way the wind blew through his hair. He had never been
this close to Sirius before, close enough to feel his heartbeat and rest his
head on his shoulder, inhaling the clean, soapy smell of Sirius's hair and skin
mingled with the slightly musky scent of leather. Close enough to feel the firm,
sculpted muscle just under Sirius's thin T-shirt....
Remus's cheeks
suddenly felt very warm, and other regions of his body offered a response as
well. Control yourself, Remus, he told himself, drawing in a deep breath.
You know that what you really want is probably more than he's willing to
give.
After about half an hour or so, they landed in a clearing in a
distant woods, right beside a small brook with a tall birch tree at its bank. "I
usually come here to be alone," Sirius said as he stepped off the bike. "I don't
know if you believe me or not, but... you're the first 'date' I've brought to
this place. I wanted to make this something special." He helped Remus get back
on solid ground and then opened the compartment at the back of the bike. From
it, he retrieved his wand and something wrapped in a blue-and-white handkerchief
that he set on the ground.
"Maximus!" Sirius pointed the wand at the
bundle, which glowed a curious shade of yellow. The handkerchief spread out and
expanded into full-size blanket, and the other items became a picnic basket, a
bottle of sparkling cider, and two lovely champagne glasses. "I would've gotten
wine," Sirius explained, "but I didn't want you thinking that I'm trying to get
you drunk."
Remus stood there for awhile, struck speechless. "You did all
this... for me?" To the best of his knowledge, Sirius Black had never
gone to this much trouble for one of his would-be conquests. An evening in
Hogsmeade? Occasionally. Snogging in one of the school's hidden rooms, or even
in a classroom that no one was using? Frequently. But as far as Remus knew, this
surprise romantic picnic in the forest was a first.
Sirius nodded. "All
for you, Remus," he said softly. "I just wanted you to know that I was serious
this time."
Remus smiled modestly, but he didn't say anything. Maybe
it's possible after all.
Sirius Black.
Remus had
been quiet for much too long. He hadn't spoken in at least ten seconds since
Sirius had told him why he'd done all this. Sirius asked, "Well? What do you
think?" putting on his patented crooked grin and hoping for the best.
"I
think," Remus replied, "that I hardly know what to say." He looked so beautiful
right then, with the way his windblown light-brown hair fell about his shoulders
and framed his pale, delicate face. Sirius noticed that Remus's cheeks were
slightly flushed, and he hoped it wasn't just because of the
wind.
Silence again.
It's now or never. Sirius cleared his
throat and ran his hand through his hair nervously. "Ah, Remus...."
"Make
love to me."
Sirius blinked. "What?" He must have heard him wrong. Remus
couldn't have said those words.
Remus repeated, "Make love to me. Right
here, right in this field." He looked Sirius right in the eyes as he
spoke.
Sirius laughed a little, pleasantly bewildered by Remus's sudden
boldness. "I, um... thought you'd never ask." He wrapped his arms around Remus's
slim waist and drew him close, taking a moment to savor the warmth and closeness
of the other young man's body. Then, as gently as a whisper, his lips touched
Remus Lupin's for the first time.
Not long thereafter, the panic set
in.
Oh, God, he's never done this before.
And I'VE never done
this before with anyone that mattered.
What if I do it wrong?
What
if I disappoint him?
What if I...?
"I... I'm sorry," Sirius
apologized, pulling away from him. "I probably shouldn't 've done this. I mean,
I--"
Remus put his index finger to Sirius's lips and shook his head,
smiling gently. "You don't have to worry about it," he whispered. "You said that
you wanted to make this special, and for me, it already is." He kissed Sirius on
the cheek. Then he took Sirius's earlobe ever-so-lightly between his teeth and
teased it with the tip of his tongue.
Sirius shivered and closed his
eyes. "Um, Remus?" he asked, "What are you doing?"
Remus murmured,
"Making it easier for you," and kissed him on the neck, running his hands up
Sirius's back. "You aren't the only one who's wanted this."
"...You're
doing a damn good job."
This evening wasn't going quite as Sirius had
expected it to. In his mind's eye, he had pictured himself the master lover who
would make all of Remus's dreams come true, fulfilling even fantasies he'd never
known he had. In his dreams, he had seen Remus as innocent and timid, the
delicate virgin in need of a teacher to help him overcome his inhibitions. But
as of now, innocent, "timid" Remus had tossed Sirius's jacket and shirt aside
and was unzipping Sirius's pants with his teeth. "Are you sure you've never done
this before?" Sirius asked, only half joking.
Remus laughed and looked up
at him, still kneeling. "I'm certain of it, last I checked. But I have quite an
active fantasy life." He placed his hands on Sirius's hips, coaxing him into
kneeling as well. Then, he guided Sirius's hands to the buttons of his
robes.
Sirius asked, "And what do you fantasize about?" going to work on
the buttons and eager to see more of Remus's skin.
"You," he replied
without hesitation, "ever since we were twelve years old." Remus sat perfectly,
patiently still as Sirius slipped the robes off his shoulders, leaving the
garment as a puddle of black cloth. "Well? Do you like what you see?" Anxiety
flickered in his honey-hazel eyes while he spoke.
Sirius let his right
hand trail over Remus's bare shoulder, down his arm, and finally, he held
Remus's hand. He knew why Remus was nervous about this; the reasons were right
before his eyes. When Remus transformed into a werewolf, he often bit and
scratched himself, which had left many tannish scars on his otherwise perfect
creamy skin. "You're beautiful," Sirius told him truthfully. He kissed Remus on
the hand. "I've never wanted anyone more than I want you right now."
That
becoming hint of rose crept back into Remus's cheeks as he lowered his long
lashes. "Thank you," he said. He placed his hands on Sirius's shoulders and
slowly eased him onto his back, straddling him.
Definitely not what I
expected, Sirius mused as he reached up to toy with Remus's shoulder-length
brown locks and stared into those warm, golden eyes that seemed to reflect the
setting sun. But I can't complain. He closed his eyes as Remus leaned in
for a kiss and, after a moment, he parted his lips slightly to permit Remus's
tongue inside.
Sirius had kissed and been kissed this way many times
before. The first time was courtesy of James Potter, when they were both
thirteen years old and wondering what it felt like. Later on, they came from
girls (and on one occasion, another boy) who he forgot about two weeks later.
But as his tongue played with Remus Lupin's... as they explored each other's
mouths and let their hands roam each other's bodies... he was amazed by how
intimate this simple act could be. It wasn't just lust or experimentation, but
something far more powerful that Sirius never expected to feel.
So,
this is what it's like, he thought, when you're in love. He gasped
and tilted his head back slightly while Remus's moist lips made their way down
his neck and ravished the sensitive flesh. "That feels... so good...." His hips
twitched forward once as his arousal became more intense.
Remus paused in
his affections just long enough to finish undressing Sirius, which drew a long,
shuddering sigh out of him. "Is that better?" Remus teased. He grazed Sirius's
erection with his fingertips, nearly driving him mad. But it wasn't so much the
touch itself as the fact that it had come from him.
"Much," Sirius
rasped. Then, wide-eyed, he watched as Remus kicked his robes aside and slipped
out of his underwear. "I see... you're enjoying this just as much as I
am."
Remus laughed. "You might say that." He kissed Sirius on the
shoulder and murmured, "You can touch me, too, if you like."
Sirius
didn't say a word. He simply rolled the two of them over, reversing their
positions.
Remus was quite beautiful: slender, lissome, elfin in
his grace. There was almost no hair on his body, save for the patch of brown
curls at his groin. Slowly, slowly, Sirius let his hands slide over Remus's
chest, gazing down at his unclothed splendor. Then he bent down to nuzzle that
patch of brown hair.
"Mm...." Remus closed his eyes and drew his knees up
slightly. Sirius took this to mean "Go on."
Sirius took Remus's shaft in
his hands and ran them up and down its length, squeezing just enough to give
some pressure as he did, until a loud moan escaped Remus's lips. "I'm not doing
this too hard, am I?" Sirius asked, concerned. The last thing that he wanted was
to hurt him.
"N... not at all," Remus gasped. He arched his back and
sucked in a breath. "You're absolutely perfect...." The slightest sheen of sweat
was forming on his brow.
"Good." He cupped Remus's balls in one hand and
massaged them for a time, stroking the shaft more lightly now. He knew that he
was torturing Remus now with a touch just firm enough to tease; his expression
was curious mix of desire and dismay. But before he could he could do anything
about it, Sirius found himself on his back again. Remus pinned his shoulders
down. Sirius blinked.
"Don't toy with me that way, Sirius," Remus said
with an impish twinkle in his eyes. He was trembling with need; Sirius could
feel him shiver. Then he descended upon Sirius with a torrent of ravenous
kisses.
Sirius couldn't say for certain if it had been minutes, hours or
days. Time had lost all meaning to the power of Remus Lupin's passion. Even now,
Sirius was surprised that such a gentle, soft-spoken creature kept this kind of
fire within -- and that he, Sirius Black, was the only one who knew it,
let alone had experienced it. "Remus...." Sirius groaned. His fingers dug into
Remus's shoulders as Remus ran his hot, wet tongue along the underside of
Sirius's throbbing shaft. "I can't... take much more of this...." Touching the
line between pleasure and pain.
Remus raised up and caressed Sirius's
cheek. "Do you want me to...?" His expression soft and
questioning.
Sirius nodded quickly and gestured towards his discarded
leather jacket. "Left pocket... check there."
Remus reached inside the
jacket pocket and pulled out a tube of lubricant. He laughed and observed, "You
certainly had confidence, didn't you?" Then he squeezed some of the clear,
slippery gel into Sirius's shaking hands. Sirius, knowing his cues, spread the
gel over Remus's hard cock... lay back... and parted his thighs. He heard no
sound right then, save for the pounding of his own heart, as he waited anxiously
for the act to be completed.
It took a little while for Remus to position
himself. Then, finally, it was time. Sirius gasped and gritted his teeth; this
hurt more than he'd expected it to, even though he knew that Remus was doing his
best to go slowly. Remus said softly, "We can stop if--"
"No!" Sirius let
out a shaky breath. "Just takes some time...." He closed his eyes as Remus
continued, and he felt it when Remus paused every now and then to let him get
used to this. He took in shallow, gasping breaths until Remus spoke
again.
"I'm completely inside of you now," Remus told him in a voice
thick with emotion. "I suppose the worst of it is over."
When Sirius
opened his eyes again, awareness began to crystallize in them. It shone as a
sparkle of starlight silver somewhere within those dark-gray pools. Wordlessly,
Sirius reached up to hold Remus as close as he could; he gasped when Remus began
his gentle, experimental first thrusts. "More," Sirius whispered. Remus
gradually picked up the pace and, as he did, stroked Sirius's shaft with one
hand.
Sirius moaned Remus's name as he felt himself approach the brink
and screamed it when he went over the edge. "Remus! Oh, God...." Like the
phoenix, he had died and was reborn in the very same instant. He knew he'd never
be the same.
He barely even heard it when Remus called out his
name, too.
Remus Lupin.
Long after they'd finished
making love, Remus and Sirius were still wrapped in each other's arms. They were
also wrapped up in the blue-and-white blanket that was supposed to be used for
their picnic which, from the looks of things, would probably wait for another
day. Neither of them said anything; right then, it wasn't necessary. Even the
stars seemed to wink their approval.
So, this is how it feels to make
love, Remus thought with a pleasantly weary smile. Sirius wore the same
expression. There was no doubt that this was real. There was no doubt that what
they had shared was everything Remus had hoped it would be.
"You think
they'll know?" Sirius asked. He lazily wound and unwound a lock of Remus's hair
around his index finger.
"James will," Remus said without hesitation.
"And even if he didn't, surely we would have to tell him."
"Mm-hm."
Sirius was quiet for a time, but his expression revealed every thought. Remus
was thinking the very same thing. "Remus," Sirius began, "I'm not very good at
this sort of thing, but... I... I...."
Remus said, "I love you, too," and
snuggled against his chest. Then he added with an impish grin, "And next time,
I'll let you be on top."